Husband Commited Suicide During an Argument on Video Chat

[InNeedOfHealing]

Hello dear BPD community,

I am terribly sad, but I have found out that my beloved newlywed husband had this mental condition only after he has committed suicide.

It is as if this perfect and amazing person who I loved suddenly turned into a demon, and I could not even say a word!

We have met online, and were separated by great distance. We fell in love right away. He has told me he loved me several days after (this was quite weird for me as we never saw each other), but something inside of me wanted to be with him and I eventually gave in even though I told him that I was not ready due to not yet being completely healed from my past relationship. We had beautiful moments, and he would always be there to support me and care for me, and love me as no one else I would have imagined could! I was doing my MA at the time, and he has provided great help from his side and stayed many nights awake together with me as well as took days off only to help me out. He also supported me and has helped me with money when I unexpectedly had to go to the US due to my research subject (After I knew that he has borrowed that money from his mother, and we wanted to return everything once he would move to me and both of us started working). His mother was always a great support, she was the only one who believed and supported our relationship, and tried to help us as much as she could. We ended up deciding to get married, of course, me as a student with a low paying job, I could not pay my ticket to go there and to prepare all the papers, but his family has helped me immensely in every aspect I really felt like it was the family I would love to be a part of. From my side, I was hoping to finish my degree, get a good job and be able to get him over to me so that I could settle him in, get him a job and help him to pay his university fees that I was hoping he would attend as he decided to become a writer. All seemed like a fairytale. However, me being so blindly in love, I did not even realise how I rushed into things without even properly knowing him, it seemed that his wish to stay with me on the camera almost 24/7 was a certain way of coping with the long distance relationship, and we never really got tired of each other, at some point it even started to feel comforting as I never felt alone.

Of course, as in every relationship, there were issues and red flags that I have missed from the very beginning and hoped that all would improve once we were together or that he would change. During the first 5 months of our relationship, we already had 3 massive discussions over his completely overwhelming jealousy. This scared me the most as I am not a jealous person at all, and I did not know how to react. Some of the major jealousy attacks were due to such occurrences as me leaving video chat while I was at work and him recording sounds of my house (in which I also lived with 4 more people). So, when I was back from work he would look at me with an extremely hating face saying that I have cheated on him and he had the proof! I did not know how to react, so, I would start crying and begging him to reconsider as I explained to him that he was wrong and I would never do such a thing! Next time, he left his PC sounds on while I was sleeping and went away. His brother's girlfriend hird weird sounds (probably me dreaming or turning in a metal bunk bed), and she took a snapshot of the screen just in case as she could not see what was on the screen since it was off. When I woke up, the call was down and I was blocked from all of his accounts, and just read his long message talking about how terrible I was for cheating on him, and that he saw a leg of another person in the screenshot (it was my cheek at the end). So, to prove him wrong I had to create new FB account and then send him lightened snapshot to prove that I was not cheating and that it was actually my face... .The last thing that completely made me angry was him being jealous of my friend, he needed a place to stay to save some money, and of course, since he helped me in the past, I did not even hesitate to invite him to stay at my home for awhile. My husband (who was then only my online boyfriend) started throwing tantrums on crazy scale, and I was defending my friend who I have already known for ages! At the end, the account blocking thing became my way of coping when I was too overwhelmed and angry, so I blocked him too. That is when the toxicity of the relationship started, and I did not even understand how. So, at the time I still could spend more time with him doing couple activities, and we would have lunch together, dinner, watch series, do funny stuff, but due to my studies and work, unfortunately, I was getting more and more paranoid with everything. He was calmer at the very beginning but then would start pushing me more towards going to him. There were times when he threatened to kill himself if I left him, he also asked me not to break his heart because he gave away all of him completely. He was talking about having major self-confidence issues, and not having an ego. I was trying to boost those two up, but I am only a human with my own insecurities there is only so much I can do. Eventually being under all of the stress, and things not going so well with my degree either because I was trying to do the degree, work and build a relationship in a very busy and chaotic city while he was at his parents home working in his family pizzeria. Of course, we had argued of a different kind along the way, but most of them were because of his clinginess, obsessiveness and paranoia. When we met, at last, I fell in love with his family and friends, it took some time to adjust to him, but eventually, I fell in love even more, and both of us were completely in love with each other finally deciding to get married and build a life together. We had a massive argue due to his jealousy when I was there though, and I was about to leave as I was so angry. I understood that I had made some mistakes as well and did not realise that this could have been an issue of cultural differences, and I have let it slide.

I have to note, that when I was picking up papers for marriage, I had to travel back to my home country when I was supposed to work on my dissertation, and the journey was extremely stressful. At some point, we got into a fight while I was there (I can not even remember the reason) I believe I was talking about not being ready for marriage, at the end, he was saying that he does not care... .I was really upset and started feeling very anxious, and unfortunately felt as if I have overdosed on anxiety pills to calm my heart down (my family has a long history of heart diseases). I told him that I have probably overdosed, and we were still arguing, and I was crying, he was calling me, until I threw them up just in case. It was very emotional because I am generally a very sensitive person. Another time was after I came back from his home country, and I was constantly receiving negative responses on my cases at university as I eventually did not submit my final work on time, because I was suffering from anxiety due to supervision issues, and of course was trying to build my life with him, which essentially was a hard relationship. I ended up being really sad one evening, got really drunk and felt like jumping in front of a metro train. Of course, I was talking to everyone, calling, just because I was really drunk and upset, I mean who sometimes doesn't feel desperate? He was always supportive of me and told me that I could do anything and that I will get this work done, and I would tell him the same about his writer's career and his future. He came from a very disconnected place lost in a middle of nowhere, but I felt his great potential and knew the great person that he was. Unfortunately, he had many issues with his stepfather who was the owner of the family business with his mom, they would fight a lot and sometimes hit each other. In any case, I none of my wishes to leave this planet were associated with him, but were rather cries for help as I was feeling overwhelmed, was working many hours and nothing seemed to add up. So, I decided to get psychological help to ease my anxiety and depression. I started off with medication. From his side, I had suicide threats when we were having arguments or it was somehow related to my choice to end a relationship (I feel like I have unconsciously opened this barrier when I have broken down myself), he would tell me that he is cutting his hands, or that he took a lot of pills, I would get scared and start calling his mom, she would not pay much attention and would just look at his cuts and say that he cannot do things like that. I encouraged him to see a doctor, which he did for several sessions, but then said that its enough and that he is feeling better (I was really sceptical about this, but I also let it slide). Then we started having issues again, and he started going to a different psychologist, but I felt like it was not helping my husband and I recommended him to come back to the first doctor (he never did). He was suffering from anxiety and depression, massive panic attacks. Sometimes, it would not even feel real, but as his wish to get some attention, because when I came back from his home after marriage I told him to give me some space (he was not happy about that) as I was working many more hours than  before, correcting my work, and trying to get him to me by getting us a house. Unfortunately, it started becoming unbearable, we started having arguments so often that I myself did not know how to cope. We already spoke to him that there should not be any stupid thoughts about suicide anymore and that we are going to make it! At the end, I was dying from my side to get all the money for mine and his house because I did not want his mom to help anymore as she already has helped enough, and he was unhappy that I was not spending enough time with him.

Dear community, please trust in my word, I was so wined up in work and the chaotic routine that I simply could not understand how he does not see that I am on video chat with him every single time that I am free! Or not at work, I would even video chat him when I was on my lunchbreaks or introduce him to my friends so that he could feel less lonely! For him, it was never enough! I did not know what to do. Now, I did not have my lectures anymore, so, I could not simply talk with other people as before, and in order to do that I would have to go out to simply unwind, for me it seemed normal that I cannot spend all of my days simply talking only to him, and that I also needed other people to talk to or ask for advice. Everyone knew him and wanted to help!

Finally, I had a major issue with my house around Christmas as after living there for a month I realised that those people were drinking all the weekends and playing non-stop music from 7 pm till 7 am while shouting and banging everything. Once I got really scared because when I asked to lower the music they have threatened to punch me if I said what they were doing to anyone. After talking to my therein co-worker who saw all what I was going through, she offered me to stay at her and her boyfriend's place until I and husband had a house, and that this would also help me to save up some money. We decided that it was a good idea together with my husband. These people actually helped a lot, since if not them I would have been spending Christmas with drunks from my previous house. I was very tired, since I have been working non-stop for 6 days in a row with 12 hours a day, and then on my weekend sorting things out with the house for me and my husband. So, when I arrived, my friends called me to join them at the table, and I called my husband as soon as all of my things were organised in the corridor. I had a long day on the 24th of January. My husband did not feel comfortable to stay with me on video chat and wanted to spend Christmas alone, but I encouraged him that I wanted to spend it with him even if we were not in the same country yet. So, we went on and all of the people from the house were talking to him and communicating and having fun, then we celebrated Christmas in my husbands country. All was going very well until I had to sleep. Unfortunately, as I did not have a private room, for the time being, I could not leave the video chat open while sleeping like I and my husband were accustomed to do every night. He got angry with me, because of that and mentioned that this house was even worse than the other another one because we could not even video chat with each other. But that night at the end he stayed ok, because I was sleeping with the girlfriend who was the owner of the house in the same bed, and he understood that it would be weird if the video chat was on. Other friends stayed in the other room because they still did not want to sleep. I and the girl were very tired so we went to bed early. Then In the morning, I have called him the first thing I woke up and had a video chat with him, all was going well, we were planning to have mate all together later in the day. But I told him that my friends are taking me for lunch, of course, nothing strange at least it occurred to me, but he got upset with me not having tea with him and going for lunch. This time I got really angry because it was not the first time that he texted me that he could not feel happy seeing me happy being with friends (i was sending him photos from lunch and keeping him updated). And i told him that I did not understand how a person who loves me cannot be happy for me when I am alone in this city and I just managed to move from a home where they were constantly drunk and threatening to hit me to a home with friends who cared and wanted me to have a more or less normal Christmas, and all of them welcomed him too and waited for him to come and were trying to help me and him save up money for our first home together. I just could not understand it, you know, even on such an occasion as Christmas he managed to find an argument that was pointless and could have been avoided. It is true that he apologised and tried to go to sleep to not continue the argue, but since I got really upset with him, I felt the necessity to express that, because I was tired, frustrated of trying to make everything work from this side, and even when asking for patience and giving me some space to simply organize, I could not have it. I was going nuts with getting all the money needed for the house deposit, because I wanted to do it all on my own, and I have managed, we were only waiting for the positive answer that I received on third of January, and I had to decline it while I was in the hospital due to the fact that my husband has actually died since I made the enquiry. Since I was really angry at him, and that is where I feel my part of guilt, I told him that I really want him to go back to the old psychologist, because I felt like he really needed help, and I said that until then I will have to take out the deposit, because I cannot let him travel to me in bad state of mind. So, when after I sent him those messages about going to a doctor and saying that he was acting very immature, and by saying that he is hurting himself he did not learn anything from this relationship and has no respect either for himself, his family or me.  I decided to stop talking because I felt like I would say more stuff I did not want to because i already told him that if he is starting with this hurting himself part of again I just cannot be with him, its just hard because I wanted to tell him to stop doing or saying these things because it was really scaring and hurting me, and then I simply thought to call him later to make up like we usually did and say that I loved him.

(Please read the Part 2, I would greatly appreciate your opinions as I am suffering his losss immensely and do not know how to cope)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[InNeedOfHealing]

Thank you for reading Part 2 of my tragic story.

But, instead of calling my husband later, what happened was that he continued sending me messages and calling, but it was not unusual because sometimes he would call up to 50 times in a row, and I did not give it any special attention. Then, he started sending me messages about beating up his face as a punishment, but many times he told me things and when I called preoccupied he was just sitting there calmly and waiting for my reaction. This time, I just started feeling bad, and thought ok, I am just going to pick up and make stay ok with him so we could have mate together and maybe watch a Christmas film, because I would stay in kitchen alone while others would be in living room, or something, just to spend some time together. So, I decided to walk away from the room where everyone was, at the time I did not realise that the girl was not there at the moment, and I decided to find an empty room to talk to my husband calmly and make up.


So, I went to the bedroom as I thought it was empty, and I answered his video call, I did not realise that the girl was there taking care of some clothes. And what happened next was that, I saw him with an extremely distressed face expression with a cup of a drink on his left-hand side (i realised straight away that he was drinking again, even though I asked him so many times not to), and after some moment I saw a shotgun that he was holding pressing it into his neck under the chin and pressing the trigger from time to time. I got scared, and then looked up and noted the girl, I did not know what to do, so, the only thing I could say to her was Oh my God, -her name-, please look at what he is doing, please help talk to him. I got an instant block because I did not know what to say, I never saw a shotgun in my life! I do not remember this part, but one of the other friends said that somewhere around this point when I handed the phone to the girl I ran out and started getting in panic in the room with other people, and then I went back to the room and the girl was trying to calm him down. I tried to take myself in control and took over the phone, it was really scary as I never dealt with such situation before and I did not even know what to say. He asked me "-my name-, do you see how my face is f... .d up?", he was still holding the shotgun, and I just did not know what to answer, its like I got frozen, and I just said, "No, -his name-, its hard to see through the camera", and then I remember he started putting bullets in the shotgun, and I got so anxious and scared that I fainted, and I don't know how much time it took for me to get up, I just remember the girl was standing by the door with a very preoccupied face. And I came back to him on the camera, and he said: "Ok, I am ready, I have no remorse" and then he shot himself. I could not believe what was happening, I started freaking out, panicking, shouting, calling him, and immediately tried to call his mother, contact someone who could tell me what has happened because I hoped that he just hurt himself and was lying in pain, and he was still alive and that he was ok. And mother answered, I was very anxious, I shouted his name hoping that they will get there soon to get him help. And I could not stop calling her because I was so worried, and I did not understand what was happening. Then his stepfather picked up, I remember he was swearing, but I still had no answers. And I continued calling until he picked up again and said that my husband has killed himself. I was in complete shock and disbelieve. In the meanwhile, I was running around the house begging everyone to contact either police in from his country, or even in the country where I was, some kind of service that could help... .

Long story short, Police arrived, I told them all of my stories... .Had a mental breakdown and ended up in a mental ward until my mother came to take me home. Now I am in my home country still trying to understand what has happened, dealing with what I had the misfortune to witness, cannot understand why he did it. I tried to send his family a long letter as I did not know how else to help. They are not answering me (I understand that their grief is even worse than mine, I cannot imagine being a mother and finding my son who shot himself). Nonetheless, I know that since his suicide they have been putting all the blame on me, saying that I was bad and that I was a manipulator. It really hurts me, because, yes, of course, I am not a diamond and did many of my mistakes in this relationship, but after the previous one I was really trying to do different and be better. And it is never guild of just one party, but both make their mistakes in the relationship. However, no one kills themselves during an argument! To say the least, I am heartbroken as I lost a person with whom I was building a family, I feel traumatized because I saw him shoot himself in front of me, and I feel shocked that all of this actually happened!

I have enquired about his previous relationship, and got information that it was also very unstable, toxic, he was threatening suicide. When I asked him about grounds for his past break up, he said that his previous girlfriend cheated on him, she was crazy, and all of what happened was her fault. It was strange for me as I know that two people are always guilty, but no from his point of view it was only her fault, I just let it slide as well, but now I think he was not telling me the truth. I also got information that he was always so unstable, and it just makes me think. Why then his mother did not give any reaction when I first tried to talk to her about his suicide attempts? Why they thought it was normal that he wanted me to stay with him on camera all the time, and I could not even have my space to interact with other people. Later I found out that he sent a letter to one of my friends during one of our arguments saying that I have not called him for a week and now I am asking for space, which was clearly a lie since I spent all of my free time with him. And now, I am here, full of feelings of remorse, guilt, and blame that I have led my beloved person to a suicide, even though I was doing everything I could to build a life for me and him with more opportunities! And because of this, now I am considered as a monster by his family, and cannot move on with my life because I feel dead inside. I already spoke with everyone I knew, I swear, there are no more ears to listen to my story.

If only I have known that he had BPD, I would have most likely understood him better, talked to him differently. Maybe I would have even saved his life, and now my beloved person is gone, and when I see how much internal and emotional pain he was undergoing I do not know what to even do. I am suffering for him, my heart is broken into pieces. I do not know what to do, and I do not even know what kind of advice I am seeking here, please help, someone, if you can!

[Skip]

I answered his video call, ... //... and after some moment I saw a shotgun that he was holding pressing it into his neck under the chin and pressing the trigger from time to time. I got scared, and then looked up and noted the girl, I did not know what to do, so, the only thing I could say to her was Oh my God, -her name-, please look at what he is doing, please help talk to him. I got an instant block because I did not know what to say, I never saw a shotgun in my life! I do not remember this part, but one of the other friends said that somewhere around this point when I handed the phone to the girl I ran out and started getting in panic in the room with other people, and then I went back to the room and the girl was trying to calm him down. I tried to take myself in control and took over the phone, it was really scary as I never dealt with such situation before and I did not even know what to say. He asked me "-my name-, do you see how my face is f... .d up?", he was still holding the shotgun, and I just did not know what to answer, its like I got frozen, and I just said, "No, -his name-, its hard to see through the camera", and then I remember he started putting bullets in the shotgun, and I got so anxious and scared that I fainted, and I don't know how much time it took for me to get up, I just remember the girl was standing by the door with a very preoccupied face. And I came back to him on the camera, and he said: "Ok, I am ready, I have no remorse" and then he shot himself.

I'm so sad to read this. My heart goes out to you.

Are you back home now, with your family? How far away is his family?

[InNeedOfHealing]

I'm so sad to read this. My heart goes out to you.

Are you back home now, with your family? How far away is his family?

Dear Skip,

Yes, now I am back at my childhood home with my family. My husbands family is on the other side of the world, but it has happened only less than 3 weeks ago. So, I am still in shock and do not know how to understand anything of what has just happened! I was planning rest of my life with this person one second, and the other second he is gone! What killed me is that he decided to do it in front of me! I have no words, I am scarred and heartbroken for life.

[heartandwhole]

InNeedOfHealing,

I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking and so tragic. What a terrible, terrible shock for you. My heart goes out to you and your husband's family.

Are you still receiving support from a counselor or therapist?

We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[InNeedOfHealing]

InNeedOfHealing,

I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking and so tragic. What a terrible, terrible shock for you. My heart goes out to you and your husband's family.

Are you still receiving support from a counselor or therapist?

We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

Dear heartandwhole,

Yes, I am receiving therapy and counceling, and I was put on antidepresants and anxiety managing pills for the next 6 months. Thank you for the support. I just cannot understand how he could just do it, my heart is bleeding, and everyday waking up feels as if someone is cutting off my limbs without aenesthesia.

InNeedOfHealing

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you have been through this. Please know that you are not the cause of what happened. My psychologist told me I didn't cause it didn't cause what my ex experienced, couldn't control what he experienced, and couldn't cure what ailed him. I, like you, were simply side carnage in his emotional battle and wreckage.

You have endured a HUGE trauma. This has caused you harm/damage. If you were hit by a bus and physically injured you would require rest, nutrition, medication, physical therapy, occupational therapy, counselling, and so so much more. So please treat your emotional and mental injury much the same. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

[Fie]

Dear InNeedOfHealing,


I have no words to express how terribly sorry I am that this happened to you. I can feel through your story how anxious you are and I wish I could do something to help you.


There is nothing in the world you could have done to prevent him from doing what he did. Unfortunately you were married to someone who just could not handle life. Even if you had known about BPD, you could have done nothing to save him.

I am not a diamond and did many of my mistakes in this relationship, but after the previous one I was really trying to do different and be better.

Of course you are not a diamond. But you don't have to be. You can be yourself. You can make mistakes, you are allowed. It is not your mistakes that killed him. He did that himself. Even if he would not have known you ... .he would have done it anyway. The fact that you know about his suicide threats in previous relationships, only confirms this.

People don't commit suicide because their partner is not perfect. People commit suicide because somehow they are so 'defective' (please don't feel offended by my word choice) that they can just not cope with the problems that life encompasses.

You are saying his mum was not supportive of him, when you alerted her about his problems. I think that is extremely strange. The fact that his mum supported you, also financial, is very nice. You must have felt loved, you must have felt good in your new family. But apparently there are two sides about his mum... .Have you thought about the reason why your husband was so troubled ? It is not normal that a mother does not worry about her son cutting himself. There is something seriously wrong there.
It is also not normal that he and his stephfather sometimes hit each other. I would say that there were apparently some serious problems in the family of your husband. If your husband grew up in a family were people behave in such ways that they are not alerted by the emotional turmoil of their children, I think this means the children are going to have some serious psychological problems later on. It is very sad; but it seems that this was the case for your husband.

He probably thought about you as his 'savior'. You probably have meant a lot to him. But no one could have saved him, only himself.

since his suicide they have been putting all the blame on me, saying that I was bad and that I was a manipulator.

Have you thought about the possibility that the mum of your husband is also BPD?


You are not alone in this. There are many ears listening here, and they will keep listening, even after 100 posts. We are here for each other, also for you.

You will get through this.

xxx

[Highlander]

Dear InNeedOf Healing,

I read your story and my heart is truly pouring out to you.  There is no other word to explain what you must be feeling at the moment other than heart numbing pain. 

I hope by sharing my experience I can help you somewhat relieve your feelings of guilt.  Like you, my husband (H) also made an attempt on his life and like you, it was in front of me.  In my case, I was physically present and I can not begin to imagine how difficult it would have been for you to be in the helpless situation of being unable to do any more than the incredible effort you made via online video.

For me, I was luckily enough to be in the position whereby I could physically risk my life to save my H and I am sure you would have jumped into the screen if you could have done the same.  For us, we both later found out that my H was incredibly lucky to survive – that there was only a few mm between his wounds and instant death.  I don't wish to give you too much detail as the trauma you have experienced does not need additional triggering.

Your story is incredibly similar to mine.  Like you, I too:

*Heard that my H's ex's had difficulty with his temper and ability to cope during what many regard as 'normal' relationship indifferences,
*Witnessed my H's cutting,
*Begged him to get help,
*Tried to speak to his mother about his cutting but these attempts were largely ignored or I would be blamed for them,
*Was also subject to my husband's paranoia, jealousy etc,
*My H's punching of his head and cutting was always exasperated from drinking alcohol,
*A psychiatrist and a counsellor we had both seeked help from leading up to the event, also did him no good,
*Worked countless hours to provide a planned future for us,
*And made attempts to stand my ground against the emotional abuse I was receiving from my H.

And like you, after the attempt on my H's life, I too found out about BPD and cursed myself that I didn't know about the condition earlier.

All of this was pretty hard on me but what made that evening a trillion times worse was that whilst my H was still being transported by ambulance and his condition, although was stable, it was still unknown as I was told he needed a major operation near his heart region.  Through my foggy shock I was experiencing at the time, I called his mother to inform her of her son's condition and this was met with her saying it was all MY FAULT!  Not long after I received a phone call from his father (his parents are divorced) again blaming me and even threatening me, even though they were both about 2000km away and not privy to the event, nor had they even attempted to listen to me about what had actually occurred.

Like yourself, for me, I simply walked into a situation whereby my H had been drinking and the distress on his face was as clear as day.  I had also recently been standing up to some emotional abuse from my H but likewise, there was no argument between us to spark anything, his mind was made up - he was determined to do what he had been determined to do.  My pleas were ignored and even though I was able to physically struggle with him I was unable to stop him from inflicting serious, almost lethal harm on himself.

I am hoping I am not triggering you but you can now see that our stories are almost identical and I am now hoping what I am about to tell you will give you some relief.

*My H was later diagnosed with BPD,
*My H began self harming at age 10 (20 years before I met him),
*At age 12, his mother noticed he was self harming and marched him to the doctor to cut out the marks.        No psychological assistance was offered.  He was just told “never to do it again”,
*This led to cutting in places no-one could see 18 years before I met him.
*His self harm continued throughout his life but until he met me, he never seeked help,
This is important InNeedOfHealing... .BPD is a childhood disorder – It is caused during childhood.  It is generally an inability to to cope with your emotions effectively.  A baby is not born knowing how to cope with their emotions... .like talking, counting, learning the alphabet etc a child learns these skills.

As traumatic it was for me to have my In Laws 'blame me' for it being 'my fault', this experience became highly relevant to the doctors that assessed and diagnosed my H with BPD – having parents not respond appropriately to stressful events resulted in many, many more questions about his parents and his childhood.  This may seem eerily similar but my H was also exposed to punch up's between himself and his father.  These are all indications that he was around people that were not the best role models for either one of our husbands to learn how to cope with emotions effectively.  We were also informed that my H's mother also 'likely' has BPD/NPD.  The word 'likely' is used because a diagnosis can not occur if one has not met the patient but she also cut herself, at times in front of my H when he was a child.

This gives incredible weight to what Fie noted about your mother in law.

You are saying his mum was not supportive of him, when you alerted her about his problems. I think that is extremely strange. The fact that his mum supported you, also financial, is very nice. You must have felt loved, you must have felt good in your new family. But apparently there are two sides about his mum... .Have you thought about the reason why your husband was so troubled ? It is not normal that a mother does not worry about her son cutting himself. There is something seriously wrong there.
It is also not normal that he and his stephfather sometimes hit each other. I would say that there were apparently some serious problems in the family of your husband. If your husband grew up in a family were people behave in such ways that they are not alerted by the emotional turmoil of their children, I think this means the children are going to have some serious psychological problems later on. It is very sad; but it seems that this was the case for your husband.

He probably thought about you as his 'savior'. You probably have meant a lot to him. But no one could have saved him, only himself.

Have you thought about the possibility that the mum of your husband is also BPD?

InNeedOfHealing I really hope I can help you to understand that your H passed due to BPD.  You did not give him BPD, he had it when he met you.  It is not your fault you did not know what BPD is... .mind you I wish we could have all learnt about it in school!  Like me, you did everything you could to get him help... .the right help.

Looking back ,there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done that day to stop the events from occurring.   OK.  Could I have left work earlier before he began drinking.  Maybe... .but I wasn't to know. 

It's simple - When I entered the room, like when you answering the call, I also noticed my H had a “extremely distressed face”.  This has later been described to me, not only by my H, but his therapists that he was in a 'psychosis' – a state of unconscious mind or described in the dictionary as characterized by an impaired relationship with reality.  People with BPD can have psychosis and like my H, your H also seemed to be in psychosis likely with the help of alcohol. 

You need to know that to know the following – there was absolutely nothing you could have said or done to stop him.

You also need to understand this to help you to cope with the very fact that your H did this in front of you.  You wonder how he could do that... .I have since asked my H and has described the psychosis to me... .he felt like he had absolutely no control of himself, nor any of his actions and he is very sorry he put me through that experience. 

As far as your in laws go... .please never expect them to ever come around... .It is now 8 years since my H made the attempt on his life and even though my MIL has been explained he was diagnosed by countless professionals with a 'childhood disorder', she still tells everyone the ridiculous unmedically founded theory that I gave him BPD in his 30's and that I was responsible for the attempt on his life.

Please try to understand, like I once had to get my head around... .your in laws blame on you... .are behaviours that only help to determine their dysfunction and that should help you to confirm that it was BPD that was responsible.  People who are mentally sound and who know their son was unwell do not throw heart wrenching blame games around.   An incredibly huge percentage of 10% of people with BPD do take their lives and I am so sorry for your loss.

InNeedOfHealing I hope I have helped you somewhat.  Please make the most of your close friends and family and when seeing a therapist, its important that you find one that is knowledgeable of BPD... .it will really help you to understand... .nothing was your fault. 

It may also help you to understand that I later found out that the reason why my H was in such distress that day and drinking heavily had absolutely nothing to do with me but something his mother had said to him earlier that day over the phone to him.  It is not uncommon for a BPD sufferer to go to their partners in time of severe distress.

Have you ever considered that without meeting you, his life could have well been shortened?  My H has disclosed to me that that is truly the case for him.  He was heading for self destruction before meeting me.  Many people that have BPD are really sensitive souls and beautiful people – don't forget all the happy memories you shared with your H.  He was lucky he met you and shared so many laughs with you.

Please take care
xx

[Skip]

When there is a suicide, people often seek to know "what made him do it". What was the cause.

I don't think this is the best question to explore, because the reason is often something that has been simmering for a long time is sparked in a moment of depression and the distorted thoughts that depression involves.

Everyone around feels guilt and loss. Suicide casts a large net of guilt and loss. The guilt stems from knowing that if we or someone else did something different, this wouldn't have happened. And we are all adults and know that this is true.

Kurt Cobain's suicide on April 8, 1994 could have been stopped on April 8, 1994. That day would have been different if friends came over and took him out to dinner - or the shotgun was taken from the home a week earlier, or if he received notice he got a new record contract the day before, or his love life wasn't on the rocks, or his wasn't being put down by his father.

Change anything, and that suicide doesn't happen on April 8, 1994.

We all see this after the fact. We all suffer with this and feel guilt that we didn't do something. This is unique for suicide. If a friend dies in a car accident, all the same things are true, but we typically don't go through it with intensity as we do when there is a suicide.

From what I know of suicide, its often a perfect storm of events. The common theme in 95% of suicides in depression and a predisposition toward suicide. When and if the perfect storm coalesces is something of chance, not unlike the car accident.

This is a long way of saying that the guilt you feel is normal. It also to say that everyone will try to rationalize the cause to cope... .was it the person that bough the alcohol, gun laws, the parents, the girlfriend, the job, sickness, insanity, sun spots... .this too is normal. Some will over accept responsibility. Some will put it on others. The reality is more about the perfect storm that came together at the moment.

This painful and toxic brew swirls around all suicides. Families, partner, friends struggle to understand for years. It is the nature of suicide.

[2bright]

I am so sorry for what you have been through and I am also sorry for your husband. You are not alone.  I was with my wife for 20 years before I left her to protect my daughter. Two months later she took her life. Only after her death did we receive a possible BPD diagnosis from my her therapist.

It think it is impossible to not feel some guilt for not doing more to find answers and help a loved one who is in distress. Very simply my daughter and I are dealing with that guilt but at the same time we realize that she was sick. We will never know more of an answer why this happened than it was due to a terrible sickness that none of us were aware of. Even if we were aware, there may have been very little we could have done.

I hope it provides at least comfort to know you are not alone.

[InNeedOfHealing]

I am so sorry you have been through this. Please know that you are not the cause of what happened. My psychologist told me I didn't cause it didn't cause what my ex experienced, couldn't control what he experienced, and couldn't cure what ailed him. I, like you, were simply side carnage in his emotional battle and wreckage.

You have endured a HUGE trauma. This has caused you harm/damage. If you were hit by a bus and physically injured you would require rest, nutrition, medication, physical therapy, occupational therapy, counselling, and so so much more. So please treat your emotional and mental injury much the same. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Dear hope2727,

First of all, I am also very sorry for what you had to go through.

Further, I would like to thank you for your kind support. I am indeed trying to do my best to recover even though some days are quite hard to get out of the bed, and simply to say that you somehow will overcome this! Currently I am on antidepressants and antianxiety medication, which I will take throughout the following six months, I also have therapy sessions with a psychologist planned out, and am trying to regain my weight as I ended up weighing only under 50 kg with my height of 178 cm after the event occurred and all of the hospitalisations happened.

Indeed, I am trying my best in somehow soothing myself, and am also trying to understand that I would have never wished him to do what he did as I loved him immensely, and what has happened cannot be changed, has to be accepted and learned from. Nonetheless, some days are harder than others, and emotions skyrocket to inexplicable levels, which once again brings back the thoughts of guilt, and what ifs... .But, I am slowly starting to comprehend that people in their sain mind would not react so impulsively with a clear intent of suicide and no time for negotiation.

I am also slowly starting to realise that I was doing my best in getting him rid of his addictions, which he has so, unfortunately, exchanged for alcohol. Unfortunately, as I was unaware of BPD at the time I did not know that they use addictions to cope with their emotional distress. My husband has confessed to me that he had issues with alcoholism and alcoholic comas that has damaged his kidney several years back and has mentioned that he quit drinking for health reasons... .The alcoholism was used as a coping mechanism with his past breakup. I mentioned on every possible occasion that he should not drink too much as he was getting kidney pains and it generally did not work with him well but little did I know that once he will get rid of other addictions he will start turning back to alcohol, which has eventually led him to the state that he was on that day.

Kind regards,
InNeedOfHealing

[InNeedOfHealing]

Dear InNeedOfHealing,


I have no words to express how terribly sorry I am that this happened to you. I can feel through your story how anxious you are and I wish I could do something to help you.


There is nothing in the world you could have done to prevent him from doing what he did. Unfortunately you were married to someone who just could not handle life. Even if you had known about BPD, you could have done nothing to save him.

Of course you are not a diamond. But you don't have to be. You can be yourself. You can make mistakes, you are allowed. It is not your mistakes that killed him. He did that himself. Even if he would not have known you ... .he would have done it anyway. The fact that you know about his suicide threats in previous relationships, only confirms this.

People don't commit suicide because their partner is not perfect. People commit suicide because somehow they are so 'defective' (please don't feel offended by my word choice) that they can just not cope with the problems that life encompasses.

You are saying his mum was not supportive of him, when you alerted her about his problems. I think that is extremely strange. The fact that his mum supported you, also financial, is very nice. You must have felt loved, you must have felt good in your new family. But apparently there are two sides about his mum... .Have you thought about the reason why your husband was so troubled ? It is not normal that a mother does not worry about her son cutting himself. There is something seriously wrong there.
It is also not normal that he and his stephfather sometimes hit each other. I would say that there were apparently some serious problems in the family of your husband. If your husband grew up in a family were people behave in such ways that they are not alerted by the emotional turmoil of their children, I think this means the children are going to have some serious psychological problems later on. It is very sad; but it seems that this was the case for your husband.

He probably thought about you as his 'savior'. You probably have meant a lot to him. But no one could have saved him, only himself.

Have you thought about the possibility that the mum of your husband is also BPD?


You are not alone in this. There are many ears listening here, and they will keep listening, even after 100 posts. We are here for each other, also for you.

You will get through this.

xxx

Dear Fie,

I would like to thank you for your precious time in reading my story and responding to it in such a detailed way.

Thank you for your expressed support. You have most definitely highlighted some major points that I was unable to notice at the time. Indeed, it had never struck me that my husband's mother could also have BPD. However, once you have mentioned this I have to point out that my husband sister moved out and stopped all possible contact with the mother due to the fact that she would at all times take the side of the stepfather and neglect her children reactions. It was a bit strange when my husband's sister mentioned that their mother was the kind of person who would at all times choose her man as opposed to her children. Husbands sister also noted that she did not want her son to grow up in such a toxic environment, and that was the reason for her moving out. Nonetheless, since I do not speak their language, and my husband was the only person who freely spoke English in the family, I never could properly talk to his mother, and I never really have the chance to know her. I may only assure that she always worked as a moderator of mine and my husband's conflicts, even on the day of his suicide she has told him that it was incorrect to feel unhappy when I was meeting with friends for lunch and could not have tea with him.

All in all, the story that has happened to me yet seems like something from a movie rather than real life, and it is really hard for me to think that he saw me as a saviour because then I feel as if I have failed him immensely and did not bring to the table what he had expected. :'(

Best wishes,
InNeedOfHealing

[InNeedOfHealing]

I hope by sharing my experience I can help you somewhat relieve your feelings of guilt.  Like you, my husband (H) also made an attempt on his life and like you, it was in front of me.  In my case, I was physically present and I can not begin to imagine how difficult it would have been for you to be in the helpless situation of being unable to do any more than the incredible effort you made via online video.

Dear Highlander,

I would like to say big thank you for sharing your story. Indeed, they are much alike with mine. I am so happy that in your case husband had survived this unfortunate accident. Unfortunately, the fate of my beloved person was to die on that particular day. :'(

I would like to particularly thank you for explaining me the state of psychosis that my husband has most likely rendered upon consumption of the alcohol. At present, I am sure that that might have been the cause of such an impulsive behaviour as I am aware of him suffering from alcoholism in the past. He was fortunate enough to stop, but as he stopped calming himself with other additions alcohol once again became his coping tool.

I also thank you for explaining to me that at that particular moment he was completely unresponsive and that he did not mean to do it in front of me, but it just so happened that his emotions reached a peak at that time, and there was nothing that I could have said or done. It was indeed hard to watch, and as much as I tried to be as useful as possible all that has happened, happened so quickly, that neither of the people present during the event could even comprehend how could such a thing even occur.

Moreover, thank you for also pointing on to the possibility of his mother having BPD as well. I am also aware that he has lost his father who was a policeman at quite a young age and could never cope with his father's death, which resulted in a continuous depression that he has suffered up until today. Nonetheless, it was strange to me that he was not getting any help in terms of therapy or medication to deal with his complicated grief, depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

I find it really hard to think that I have extended his life only this much, and maybe I could have extended it far more if I had known about the condition earlier and was able to understand him better as well as assist him in learning how to live with this condition.

Your story has most definitely helped to put my heart slightly back in place. Yet, I still find it really hard to cope with the reality that I will never have him by my side again, never will hug him, hear his voice or simply hear him laugh!

I really thank you for sharing this.

Best wishes,
InNeedOfHealing

[InNeedOfHealing]

We all see this after the fact. We all suffer with this and feel guilt that we didn't do something. This is unique for suicide. If a friend dies in a car accident, all the same things are true, but we typically don't go through it with intensity as we do when there is a suicide.

From what I know of suicide, its often a perfect storm of events. The common theme in 95% of suicides in depression and a predisposition toward suicide. When and if the perfect storm coalesces is something of chance, not unlike the car accident.

This is a long way of saying that the guilt you feel is normal. It also to say that everyone will try to rationalize the cause to cope... .was it the person that bough the alcohol, gun laws, the parents, the girlfriend, the job, sickness, insanity, sun spots... .this too is normal. Some will over accept responsibility. Some will put it on others. The reality is more about the perfect storm that came together at the moment.

This painful and toxic brew swirls around all suicides. Families, partner, friends struggle to understand for years. It is the nature of suicide.

Dear Skip,

Thank you for your kind illustration of what surrounds suicide, it has most definitely helped me to understand that my feelings of guilt and 'what if?' questions are more than a normal occurrence under these particular circumstances.

I believe it will take quite a long while to somehow organize all of my thoughts and feelings in regards to this event. Nonetheless, I am trying my best to stay with the good memories rather the darker parts of mine and husbands relation. He will always be a sunshine of my life, and he will forever be in my heart as the great, kind and loving person that he was. What can I say, it seems like a really difficult process, and I feel extremely sad that I can not in any way assist his family in this difficult time... .

Well, sadly, that's life.

Kind regards,
InNeedOfHealing

[Skip]

I feel extremely sad that I can not in any way assist his family in this difficult time... .

I would too. In my personal experience, the family squared off against each other, too.

It's really hard to cope with suicide... .not everyone is graceful.

[InNeedOfHealing]

I am so sorry for what you have been through and I am also sorry for your husband. You are not alone.  I was with my wife for 20 years before I left her to protect my daughter. Two months later she took her life. Only after her death did we receive a possible BPD diagnosis from my her therapist.

It think it is impossible to not feel some guilt for not doing more to find answers and help a loved one who is in distress. Very simply my daughter and I are dealing with that guilt but at the same time we realize that she was sick. We will never know more of an answer why this happened than it was due to a terrible sickness that none of us were aware of. Even if we were aware, there may have been very little we could have done.

I hope it provides at least comfort to know you are not alone.

Dear 2bright,

Thank you for sharing your story. Please accept my condolences.

It is so unfortunate that in order to find some comfort us people have to reach out who have suffered similar losses, but it does indeed help to broaden up the picture and realise that such unbearable pain is kept not only in your own heart but also in the heart of others.

I do comprehend that my husband has been most likely suffering from BPD even though neither of us was aware of it and there was no official opportunity to diagnose it. Nonetheless, I have mixed feelings about being aware of what he was suffering as now I feel like if he had not killed himself on that day, and if I would have found out that he is suffering from BPD earlier, I would have done all I could to get him help and support him through all the journey. :'(

Sometimes, as they say, ignorance is a bliss.

I wish all the best for you and your daughter in coping with your loss, I sincerely hope that there will be a day when we will cherish good memories of our deceased loved ones and will be able to remember them with a smile and not tears of pain.

Best wishes,
InNeedOfHealing

[Fie]

Hello  InNeedOfHealing,

How are you coping ?

xxx