Adult Children Question Validity of Memories

[JanuaryPiper]

My adult children, two in college, one early twenties, are questioning their perceptions of memories, repeating abusive behaviors, that I have only seen in my spouse and his mother, and questioning their reality. My son, the youngest says that when I would tell him as a child that his father was “good” after a rant to comfort him,  I was really saying don’t trust your dad. He also says that his oldest sister told him I probably liked abuse and that I did things to make his dad angry so that his dad would abuse me. This sister has recently created a no contact situation with my husband and me.
 
My son says he does not trust me. His dad is a charming storyteller. Except for the screaming (interpreted  as arguing) several incidences of breaking things, he has not seen his dad hit me or verbally abuse me in a rant that sometimes lasts for hours.

I see a therapist (2.5 years since my husband’s 2 year sexual relationship with a client was discovered) and she recommended a couple of books about living with someone with BD. My middle daughter repeats my oldest daughter’s opinions and my romantic partner (my husband) says I should write a letter. I’m not sure what to write. I can tell the story, try to describe the missing information, but I’m not sure my children will believe me. I have been accused of doing things that did not happen as I remember by my oldest daughter too.

I have not used a message board before. I am looking for objective insight. 

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[Radcliff]

Hello JanuaryPiper,

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with your children's differing perceptions of what has happened in the past.  It sound very painful.

Can you help us better understand the facts of the situation?  You described abusive behavior by your husband, but then say your husband is telling you to write a letter, which sounds supportive.  Is this a first husband and second husband?

Are you currently safe, or are you experiencing verbal abuse or being exposed to a husband breaking things?
 
Can you give us timelines?  When was the most recent abusive incident?  How old are your children?  If you divorced and remarried, when did each of those things happen?

You've found a supportive community here.  Welcome.  With a little more information we can start to give you support and advice.

WW