My BPD wife wants a divorce

[thiswasnotscheduled]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD during an intensive in patient program at Loma Linda University about 2-3 years ago after having several major attacks and blow ups.  The program was great and when it was completed, she was to see a counselor at least twice a month and see a doctor at least once a year to adjust medication.  There have been about a total of maybe 6 appointments with a therapist and  meds adjusted maybe once or twice.

We have been together 10 years.  My daughter hired her at our restaurant.  Everything was amazing in the beginning.  She really encouraged me to express my feelings, stand up for myself, etc.   (My first husband turned out to be an alcoholic drug addict and I went to AlAnon which helped so much; 2nd husband turned into an anger machine and later I found out that he abused my daughter.)  She absolutely knew my worst and weakest points - I don't handle anger and confrontation well.

There have been major, horrible losses in her life from the psychotic episodes with her bioligical mother and death of her beloved father.
We have lived together that last almost 10 years and she asked me to marry her 1 1/2 years ago.

Reflecting back, there have been soo many signs. The intense judgmentleness towards my children (now a successful chef and sommelier).  She went through a horrible cancer scare (Peritoneal Mesothelioma) and had major, intense surgeries, couldn't work, etc., denied disability - all horrible things.

About a year ago, a drunk neighbor called her and said please just take my daughter.  A dream come true for her - not being able to have children herself.  This was all great with me too.  I should mention we also run a non profit animal sanctuary which is very time consuming but so wonderful.  After she had been in the house for a month or so, my wife decided she no longer needed medication.  The daughter was making everything so wonderful, all would be fine.  That didn't last long.  She went back on limited meds a few months later (Symbalta but not the other one she was given to take)

Anyways, during the course of having a teenager in the house, she became the total focal point of my wife.  No chores, no boundaries - I even mentioned she can't overcompensate for her past.  She continued borrowing money to make everything great (trips to Knotts Berry Farm, use the Amazon account to get what you really want for your birthday), etc.  She just turned 15 and I became a bit worried about the off the shoulder outfits, high heels, etc.  Whenever I would talk to my wife about boundaries and chores, it was met with I am just jealous... .all she wanted was a family with me ( as long as I just take her shopping and don't have any real input about chores, clothes or anything else)  

I know I am all over the place and I appreciate your reading and listening.  The BPD attacks have become more frequent.  The high pitched screaming has turned into shoving me against a wall a few times, almost hitting me, hitting me once.  Having been through this before with an alcoholic husband, I should have done more and acted sooner.  It was just so hard to believe this person, I finally really, trully loved and thought I would spend the rest of my life with would act this way.  When the attack / outburst was done, it was back to smooth sailing.  I get it =- I know I should have demanded more therapy, whatever as physical abuse is ever ok.

The past six months or so, I've been accused of being passive / aggressive, pouting and being a victim.  For sure, I have walked on eggshells and done ANYTHING to avoid a loud confrontation.  

This is now the third time she has demanded a divorce but this time it was super high pitched screaming get the F out, I hate you, you don't understand me, I have evolved and grown and you haven't wanted to and I don't want to take this journey with you anymore.

I will completely admit to my part.  I walk on eggshells.  I am quiet and try not to provoke.  This last time, before I moved out, she came at me again with the loud screeching voice, waiving her arms wildly at me, threw her ring at me and somehow I have a blemish on my chin, and I slapped her.  I immediately appologized and said I was wrong and shouldn't have reacted.

When I have confronted her about the physicil violence against me, I drove her to it.  This is just soo off base from who she normally is.  Or is it?

This time, she called my 74 year old parents in the loud shreaking voice.  My parents new about the diagnosis but have truly embraced and loved her like a daughter and were completely terrified, freaked out and wanted to come make things better (which wouldn't have been a good idea).

So indeed I packed a bag and am at my daughter's house for the 2nd night, but keep having these overwhelming feelings of grief and failure.  Like I can't even believe this is what is happening.  I've never had such feelings of grief and failure.  There is no talking to her or 'explaining' or trying to have a complete conversation.  I am the focal point for everything bad and everything is my fault.

It is true, I've never been asked to leave - I've always been the asker, but I have two places I can go and she has none.  This isn't making me feel any better.

I have a lot of evidence (friends and co workers who have recieved the all cap screaming cell phone texts from her) and wondered what was happening.  Such a Dr. Jekel/Mr Hyde personality.

Yet I sit here typing feeling like I should have done more.  Just listen - never let her be alone when she is threatening suicide, etc.

Everything just feels dark and hopeless right now.  Sadly, what I am missing the most are my animals and my life at home.  This wasn't on the schedule.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation.  It must be so painful to be separated from your wife, your home, and the animals.  I am glad that you are safe, and that you have a place to stay with your daughter.

Can you tell us how long ago she hit you?  How long ago was each incident where she pushed you against the wall?

It sounds like you have enough experience with tough relationships to wish you'd done some things differently.  But you also know how incredibly complicated these situations can be.  BPD can be about as easy to cope with as a hurricane, so even if you think you've spotted places you could have done better, try to go easy on yourself.  Even if you'd done all of those things you wished you'd done, you'd still be facing a tough challenge.

When you posted, you had been at your daughter's house for two days, and another day has passed.  Have you had any communication with your wife?

You have found a community here that can give you emotional support, as well as work with you to learn some coping tools to help improve the situation. 

WW

[Mutt]

Hi thiswasnotscheduled,



 

I've never had such feelings of grief and failure.  There is no talking to her or 'explaining' or trying to have a complete conversation.  I am the focal point for everything bad and everything is my fault.

 I'd like to join Wentworth and welcome you to the family. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time but don't put all of this squarely on you a r/s takes two people even if the other partner blameshifts just take your portion and leave the rest there.
 
 
 
 Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
 
 BPD is a persecution complex where the person truly believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others and not through their choices and actions. That being said a pwBPD will cast themselves in either the victim or rescuer role and never in the role of persecutor, the non is cast into the role of persecutor.
 
 Even though she casts you into this role it doesn't mean that you have to assume the role it helps to understand this pattern You can move yourself to the center of the triangle because it has elements of all three roles it's more balanced and less polarizing and helps with eliminating a lot of unnecessary drama.
 
 I'm looking forward to reading your posts. It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.