A glimpse into the past and myself

[hope2727]

So I had an interesting experience today. I was searching my email history for an old term paper and accidentally ended up reading a bit of my exes and my email thread (He used to proof a lot of my papers) just after the relationship ended. I then re-read a bit of an old email between my ex-bestie who is now my ex's and my replacements's friend and no longer mine. Then I happened upon an email from me to my sister. This is what I found.

Ex-fiancee... .email was filled with vitriol, and seething with anger aimed at me with lots of blaming me, but underneath all that immense pain and hurt. It was like he was an a third degree emotional burn victim and no matter what I said to sooth or support or validate or anything it only hurt him more. Let alone when I defended or explained myself. JADE totally went unheard or was twisted into a new attack on him. So sad.

I remember him with such love and even reading a few lines I realize he remembers me with only hatred. Seriously sad to see someone I love hurt so profoundly. Also so sad to see we have such profoundly different memories of the events. Poor man has no idea how loved and valued he really was and in truth still is. He sees himself as abused and treated horribly. I see him as loved and held accountable but always always loved and valued.

Ex-friend ... .blame shifting all the way. Couldn't accept my apology or acknowledgement of my less than stellar choices and he took ZERO responsibility for his horrendous actions toward me. Made me realize just how much of a low class, emotionally unhealthy, manipulative person he is. I don't miss him in truth. I have so much healthier friends I have no idea why I kept the friendship with him as long as I did.

Me... .wow was I a (trying to think of a non swearing way to express how horrible I was) raging, nasty, cow to my family at times. I was LIVID in the particular email in question. I can't believe I spoke to anyone let alone a sibling (even if I don't really care for her) like that. That I reached a point where I would ever speak to anyone that way appalls me. I completely lost it and raged in no uncertain terms via email not so much at her but to her about the actions of other siblings. Not ok. Bad bad behaviour on my part. So not ok. 

I realize that I was under the worst stress of my life taking care of a desperately injured elderly parent, dealing with my ex as the relationship was spinning out of control, completing a difficult science degree and working to support us all at once. But serious Hope27 shut that foul, mean mouth and grow some manners.

Wow. Even though I am so done with my siblings I feel like I owe them an apology for any emails of that ilk. Yikes. It was absolutely horrible and beyond unacceptable by my own standards. I can't believe I wrote it.


So essentially wether it was the situation or our personalities or whatever I feel like a line from a favourite song of mine... ."I can't believe I spoke to you that way. I can't believe the words I heard you say." Not ok. I truly hope I never reach that point of depletion again. I truly regret I acted in that manner. I can't even believe I felt so powerfully angry. Its like reading the words someone else wrote. Perhaps that is a tiny bit of what my ex feels.

So sad for everyone involved. Kind of shocking to me and a little re-traumatizing but quite revealing at the same time. Helps me understand my ex and I truly have different memories of our experiences. Helps me realize that I deserve (and have) WAY better friends. Helps me realize I can be quite the female canine at times. Mostly it helps me recognize that I can and want to do better. So onward ho.

[In a bad way]

Sounds perfectly normal to me, not saying you were right or wrong, I did it myself but more so to my ex but also a few other people.
It's because in my case anyway my BPD ex drove me insane, all the usual  projection and accusations and everything else we all suffered.
They carry on like nothing happened and I was a gibbering drunk wreck.
I've read through texts and watsapp messages and I feel like you.
All we can do is remember that if it wasn't for the abuse we received off our ex's we wouldn't have done it.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, it's tough. I was cleaning up some things, and I found some cards from him. Reading them and then thinking about the ugliness afterwards, you would never know that it was the same person.  To some extent it has been that way for several years. Lovely encouraging words in cards, but so critical and blaming every day.

He can still really let it loose if he wants to. I'm quite the destroyer and the lowest of the low. Sometimes he gets triggered by something completely out of my control many states away and sends me a barrage via email.

He talks a good talk about reconciliation with his friends and acquaintances, but my counsellor keeps reminding me that it's all show. People who truly want to reconcile in a healthy way don't act that way he has.

[gotbushels]

Hi hope2727  

Yes, sometimes things seem clearer when we look back on them. We often regret some of the things we say in heated moments, or when our own emotions get ahead of ourselves. I think of course I'd feel remorseful over some of the things I've said in anger.

JADE totally went unheard or was twisted into a new attack on him.

Would you mind sharing more on this?

I completely lost it and raged in no uncertain terms via email not so much at her but to her about the actions of other siblings.

Did you find a grain of truth in the things you said?

We're here to help and share, so I'll go first. As a personal example--using what I learned about validation and intentionality in relationships--I decided to get mindful about difficult dialogues with a specific person. I found many of these conversations difficult. I realised that this person was thirsty for validation and didn't respect my ideas of limits. Over the course of several conversations, I was provided with evidence that indeed this person was very validation "thirsty". To me that's a truth because it changed how I looked at this person--it therefore changed how I approached situations with them and how I handled myself in those situations. Did you find some ounce of truth in the conversations?

As additional encouragement, I do think finding the truth sometimes really helps. I think it improved my ability to give support, and improved my awareness when I really wanted support from others. I found it really fulfilling to notice my "need" and what feels right to be on that end--then trying to give that when I see a need from the other side of the table. I think that giving of kindness is very rewarding.

[hope2727]

Hey got bushels

Yes there was a bushel of truth not just a grain. My siblings were being jerks and I should have addressed it directly but I suck at confrontation.

As for the JADE went totally unheard I am not sure what clarification you mean. If Itried to explain he just couldn't hear or understand it. Its so sad really.

[gotbushels]

Yes there was a bushel of truth not just a grain. My siblings were being jerks and I should have addressed it directly but I suck at confrontation.

Haha  I see. Having jerky behaviour put at us isn't fun. Sometimes we don't address things for a reason, even though we want to have done so at the time. If those conversations happened differently--and maybe even in an ideal scenario--how would the encounter with your siblings have looked in a conversation?

If Itried to explain he just couldn't hear or understand it. Its so sad really.

Yes it's sad when one person doesn't understand another. It becomes more difficult when one person tries to explain something and the other person doesn't hear it. Was it that defending or explaining yourself was difficult?

[hope2727]

With my siblings we all have a habit of triangulation, blame shifting and basic poor conflict resolution skills. I just avoid them like the plague and then blow up when it gets to be to much. Now I just go with the avoid part.

With my ex his thinking was so distorted and he was so dysregulated that he would attribute words thoughts and emotions to me that simply weren't accurate. He couldn't fit my experience into the way he sees the world so he just twisted it into whatever he needed it to be to ease his cognitive dissonance.

Yet I miss him dearly. How sad for both of us.

[gotbushels]

I see.

With my siblings we all have a habit of triangulation, blame shifting and basic poor conflict resolution skills. I just avoid them like the plague and then blow up when it gets to be to much. Now I just go with the avoid part.

Those are some interesting descriptions hope2727. I do understand part of the avoiding thing. People with which conversations are difficult, there's a lot of blame, conflict, etc., it makes sense that you'd not really want to get into that. Is avoidance of conversations with your siblings an ideal scenario for you?

With my ex ... .
Yet I miss him dearly. How sad for both of us.

Yes, sometimes we miss previous partners. It is sad in this regard when people aren't together, and at the same time, a relationship isn't entirely about missing someone. It can still be sad though.

He couldn't fit my experience into the way he sees the world ... .

Is that to mean that explaining yourself was difficult?

[hope2727]

Hi again.

My siblings include every deeply unwell individuals. I choose after much counselling and soul searching to disconnect form them essentially permanently. They are not going to get better and I am not willing to let them harm me anymore. So its BIFF for them unfortunately. And to directly answer your question is the best scenario from the selection of bad ones.

As for my exporter. Its not just sad to miss someone it is very sad to see someone you care about suffer. The relationship was lovely and valuable in many ways and I am grateful for it. I wish it could have continued but I am again not willing to tolerate the harm it caused.

As to explaining my self I don't really find that difficult. He unfortunately was so ill that he was having very serious breaks with reality. He eventually ended up in in patient care. That I think was the best thing that could have happened at the time. He was safe and monitored. However, it pointed out how disjointed his perceptions were. No matter what I said or did he would hear something that fit his perception. He could even within two sentences deny something I said or rewrite it to an opposite. So explaining myself wasn't a problem. His respective abilities were simply broken. Like I have said before very sad.

Anyway off to work and school so can't elaborate more at the moment. Hope everyone is well and and enjoying the first day of the second month so to speak. Hugs all.

[gotbushels]

... .
I choose after much counselling and soul searching to disconnect form them essentially permanently.
... .
And to directly answer your question is the best scenario from the selection of bad ones.

I see. Ok hope2727 

As to explaining my self I don't really find that difficult.

Ok.