Schmetterlinge
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6
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« on: January 14, 2018, 01:20:05 AM » |
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It hasn't been an easy decision, but I have decided to move on. 20+ years of marriage and enduring what my husband (Narcissistic, possible BPD) has done has taken its tole. I was holding out a smidge of hope that I would someday wake up feeling different than I have for the past five years, but I'm not going to wait anymore. Being more aware of the behaviors has had me witness him rewriting the past to fit his current 'agenda' and I know that even if he could change, it's going to take way longer than I think I have left in me to endure.
My daughter overheard our 'talk', which was actually close to a 2 hour monologue, in which my spouse told me things as he sees them. I'm unwilling to change, I refuse to work towards the same goal as him, I'm selfish, crazy, heartless... .yaddah yaddah. I need to trust myself to know that I do try to be kind to people, and that I'm considerate and loving. I know now that it's simply because I don't, and no longer have the same goals as he does, that he sees me as being crazy, selfish and wrong.
Even his Narcissistic mom said tot let me go. That was surprising to hear. I guess he underestimated the relationship (with boundaries) I had developed with her over the years. Actually, I know it really affected her when I mentioned how miserable he told me he was. It didn't matter whether or not I actually agreed on the reasoning for his being miserable, the truth was, we are both miserable, why drag it out.
Interestingly enough, history was rewritten that is he not and has not been miserable about the amount of sex he was getting from me. He is not only saying he liked the amount of sex, but he is also saying that it wasn't actually sex he was upset about. It had to do with work and something, blah blah blah. Yet, a week ago, he was adamantly professing to me how sex is the end all for him, his whole personhood, self-esteem, self-worth, connection to the world, and the ONLY way he knew/believed I loved him. Today he said he was actually upset at work and he was using harassing me about never giving him enough sex to make me feel sorry for him because he felt as if I should be feeling sorry for him (about work)? I think anyway, either way it's messed up.
Who knows, I get so confuzzled. So my plan is to start looking for a house, get a written money agreement passed by my lawyers and start packing. It sure will be a rough adjustment for the kids, but I do have to try to save myself so I can be there for them going forward. I do feel like I'm losing the battle of emotional well-being and sanity staying where I am.
Today I moved permanently into the guest room. it was bittersweet. I also tried to explain to my husband how I will not be changing my mind about any chance at reconciliation. And that I WILL be moving out by the summer. It seems as if everything comes as a sudden announcement to him, because I think he still believes I won't go through with it. He has even started to talk about himself in the third person, (my bio dad did that) and chip away at the idea that I've gone insane, simply because he cannot fathom the idea of someone not being under this thumb.
So hang in there everybody, wherever you are, from those of you just learning to those of you who, like me, feel compelled to get away, just keep going forward. I may be abused, put down, jaded and depressed, but I know life still has a little shimmer of light for us all, if we just try to keep our hearts and mind open.
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