She already recycled an old boyfriend; they are already not talking again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone, happy new year

I have not written in while, mainly because I felt a little improvement in the ability to not dwell all my waking hours on my ex. And as much as this forum has been a godsend, it also reminds me of her.

I won't repeat my story in full, but quickly: diagnosed BPD gf broke up with me back in December and I suspected she might be back with an older bf. She being the classic BPD waif--gorgeous, charming, engaging, damsel in distress one moment flirtatious tease the next.

Today has been an interesting one. And I am GRATEFUL that I can describe it as "interesting" instead of "devastating" or "soul crushing." I never suspected it to happen but I had contact with one of her older boyfriends. The one that she went to after she broke up with me (pretty much immediately).

He confirmed that they have an, as he described it, "on again/off again" r/s. And that he was not wanting "deal with her drama this week". He said he knew about me, but didn't ask her.

I suspect she didn't tell him she was BPD, as she confessed to me. Or, if she did tell him, he is ok with being recycled or never took the time to investigate just why the r/s is so drama-filled and why it is on/off.

I am not proud of the feeling, but i admit that when i heard about the drama, and that he was having a hard time with her I felt better. I am still trying to understand what that feeling is about. I fear that there is a part of me that hopes this gets back to her, that she reaches out to me. Like an alcoholic hoping that bartender will unexpectedly show up at the door with a drink.

As far as this guy, who I feel sorry for more than anything, I have no plans on trying to discuss her with him--as much as I want to. It just isn't in me to do that.

So there it is. In the month since we ended our r/s she has already recycled an old boyfriend and they are already not talking again. Reading so many other tales that people share I truly wonder if I ever knew anything about her. The more I realize what was really happening to more I realize that everything was a lie, a con, a ruse, a fantasy.  

[Shoct]

Hi everyone, happy new year

I have not written in while, mainly because I felt a little improvement in the ability to not dwell all my waking hours on my ex. And as much as this forum has been a godsend, it also reminds me of her.

I won't repeat my story in full, but quickly: diagnosed BPD gf broke up with me back in December and I suspected she might be back with an older bf. She being the classic BPD waif--gorgeous, charming, engaging, damsel in distress one moment flirtatious tease the next.

Today has been an interesting one. And I am GRATEFUL that I can describe it as "interesting" instead of "devastating" or "soul crushing." I never suspected it to happen but I had contact with one of her older boyfriends. The one that she went to after she broke up with me (pretty much immediately).

He confirmed that they have an, as he described it, "on again/off again" r/s. And that he was not wanting "deal with her drama this week". He said he knew about me, but didn't ask her.

I suspect she didn't tell him she was BPD, as she confessed to me. Or, if she did tell him, he is ok with being recycled or never took the time to investigate just why the r/s is so drama-filled and why it is on/off.

I am not proud of the feeling, but i admit that when i heard about the drama, and that he was having a hard time with her I felt better. I am still trying to understand what that feeling is about. I fear that there is a part of me that hopes this gets back to her, that she reaches out to me. Like an alcoholic hoping that bartender will unexpectedly show up at the door with a drink.

As far as this guy, who I feel sorry for more than anything, I have no plans on trying to discuss her with him--as much as I want to. It just isn't in me to do that.

So there it is. In the month since we ended our r/s she has already recycled an old boyfriend and they are already not talking again. Reading so many other tales that people share I truly wonder if I ever knew anything about her. The more I realize what was really happening to more I realize that everything was a lie, a con, a ruse, a fantasy.  

[Harley Quinn]

How did the contact come about, out of interest?   

I'm pleased to hear that you are making progress regards your reaction to having the conversation, however I suspect that may be because he stated that things weren't going well between them.  In time the way you feel will not be determined by what is going on in her life.  Give yourself that time and space as much as possible.  Do you expect to hear from him again?

Love and light x

[valet]

I am not proud of the feeling, but i admit that when i heard about the drama, and that he was having a hard time with her I felt better. I am still trying to understand what that feeling is about. I fear that there is a part of me that hopes this gets back to her, that she reaches out to me. Like an alcoholic hoping that bartender will unexpectedly show up at the door with a drink.

These feelings are normal. Like any loss, it's pretty reasonable to wish whatever it is back. The alcoholic simile is a good one. Keep in mind that you do have the power to choose how your life goes. Some alcoholics quit drinking, others don't. Some can drink again in a healthy way, others can't and relapse. It's important to carefully examine what you are ready for and can handle situationally.

Why aren't you proud of feeling better after hearing this kind of news?

So there it is. In the month since we ended our r/s she has already recycled an old boyfriend and they are already not talking again. Reading so many other tales that people share I truly wonder if I ever knew anything about her. The more I realize what was really happening to more I realize that everything was a lie, a con, a ruse, a fantasy.  

So she got back with an old flame, and realized that he wasn't for her, yet again. This is also pretty common, regardless of whether or not a person has a personality disorder. Do you see the push/pull? It happens even in healthy relationships, and sometimes it's a necessary part of conflict resolution.

None of this is a lie, con, ruse, fantasy, etc. These things actually happen with people of all personality types. We make mistakes. We're too quick with important decisions. We can all be impulsive.

I know that's a frustrating reality. Try to sit with your feelings. Avoid narrativizing them if you can. We are not part of a larger story. We have agency and can write our own part in it, including how we think about past events. It takes some courage, but we can do it.

Years ago, when my ex suddenly broke up with me, I didn't understand a thing. Everything hurt and I didn't know why. I had had other relationships in the past, and I got over them without much effort. It just happened. The kind of separation that you're going through right now will take a little bit more work. It's easy to get lost in the pain, to feel a sense of petty satisfaction from the suffering of another person.

Once we have calmed down and these emotional bursts have run their temporary course, the important question to ask is always 'why?'. Why do we apply opinion and bias to facts? What good and/or harm is it doing to us?

[Shoct]

Hi Harley,

Thank you so much

Yes, as time has gone on it has gotten slightly better.

This is all instagram stuff, so if you don't use it might not make total sense, but how it happened:

I followed this guy (call him J)who lives in my city. We are both serious photographers, and we were very supportive of each other. I first saw her through his photos, as they dated in summer.

Right before I was discarded I noticed a lot more interaction between J and her. Including a very odd thing that stopped me in my tracks. But, still, she told me otherwise and I, naively, trusted her. So, after about 4 days after not getting a response from her, a picture of her pops up on J's instagram account. They were, as I feared, back together, and it started while we were dating. All confirmed.

I had no ill will to J. But, I didn't want the constant reminder of her, so i unfollowed him. He must have not realized it as he still followed me for awhile after. But, a couple of days ago I was shocked to see he blocked me. I figured he blocked me because he thought i was playing follow/unfollow games. I have another IG account and I wrote to him, to explain. I didn't think I'd hear back.

But yesterday morning he did, and he apologized for blocking me, as he unblocked and then re-followed me (again, very inside-instagram lingo). That was when we had the short exchange about him not being able to deal with drama at all.

[Shoct]

Unbelievable... .I had to update this thread as a new development has just blown my mind.

After I texted the guy she was with during/after me, I mistakenly checked her instagram page.

I just can't get over it, it has left a firebrand on my brain. There were three incredibly sensual pictures of her completely naked in her bed in her apartment -- taken by yet another guy. Being instagram, you can't show anything graphic, but they were about as sexual as you can get. I haven't seen a picture of her in weeks... .so very difficult.

I have a date tonight, with someone I have not met, in about 6 hours. I need to clear my head some. But, I did want to write about that.

And. valet, thank you for your response. I do understand what you are saying. But, as far as the lies and the ruse, yes, the r/c was actually filled with them. Some I am only beginning to realize now. I have not gone into what these are--other than the larger topic of cheating--and I didn't mean to imply that because she went back to an old b/f that that was a lie/con/ruse. That she had done that, from what I understand now, while we were dating and telling me otherwise is.

And it is a good point that what she has done could be done by anyone coming out of a r/c. But, again, there is more to the story than this. I tend to get a little wordy and didn't want to go over my whole r/s again. But, truly, you speak from experience and, as it sounds, wisdom. I am still very raw, and in time I hope that some of your questions are something I can tackle.

[valet]

Hey Shoct, sorry if that came off a little vague. I didn't mean to imply that your ex never lied to you. I was pointing at the bigger picture: that if she lied she had reasons that were valid to her (even if they weren't to anyone else). This idea isn't meant to distract, only to help you put some mental distance between her behaviors and you.

You seem like a pretty rational guy. Why reach out to this other guy? Are you looking for closure, or is it something else?

[Shoct]

thanks valet, no apology necessary.

I see what you are saying, and it is possibly the most difficult thing to comprehend--as far as her grasp on things is quite unlike mine (re: lying, cheating, etc)

The reason I reached out to the other guy was because I wanted him to know why I stopped following him after he blocked me. We have been IG-type friends for a couple of years and that I unfollowed him upset him enough to block me, judging from his reaction.

That is what I like to think was the only reason--it was what I told myself at the time. But, in hindsight, I wouldn't deny the hope of either finding something out (as I did), or something even more dangerous--hope that she hears that this dude and i are talking.

But it lead me down this ugly path that has left me so upset today. Had I just left it all alone I wouldn't have seen the nude photos last night and I wouldn't be so troubled because of it.

[valet]

Hey Shoct, I get that. I was constantly pecking at things for information after my relationship ended. I think it's pretty normal to want to know what happened, why things ended, and how we could have been better partners. Finding out who she might be with is an obvious point of comparison. How do we stack up? We can almost hinge our identity on questions this like this in times of mental crisis, with our emotions running amok.

On the bright side of things, this could be a lesson that you learn from. From what you're saying it sounds like you're still pretty sensitive to this kind exposure to your ex.

If the goal is to detach (this is the detaching board), it could be a good idea to set some boundaries for yourself in these areas. They don't have to be permanent, they just need to give you some time to clear your head. What do you think?

[Bo123]

Shoct--You didn't like her dating so quick and now you're doing the same thing.  The quickest way to put almost all odds against a healthy r/s is to date/sleep together too soon.  You are still 95% emotionally into her and you're going on a date.  Bad idea 100%.  Take care of yourself and get right, deal with her and resolve it, take some time to clear your head, then date.  You are painting yourself into a corner of misery and maybe taking an innocent person who doesn't deserve it with you.  Not cool.  I think your date is a fantasy to deal with the pain, reasonable emotion but I have followed/posted on your thread and supported you but this is just driving on the wrong side of the road.  I don't care to see the wreckage and you shouldn't want to be in it, and as far as flirtatious women, don't know how old you are but if you haven't learned your lesson there yet, even more pain ahead.  Good luck as I think you have planned for failure on your present track.

[Shoct]

Bo123,

You make so many assumptions, and take such an aggressive stance -- again. I am not sure why, I have never met you.

Yes, I have gone out on some dates. Had some coffee, drinks, a lunch, etc. I have not slept with anyone, had more than one date with any particular person, etc. I did this after she broke up with me. What I am upset about is that she was lying to me while we were dating and, as I have come to realize, recycled an older boyfriend as she is telling me that she isn't. You can see the difference, yes?

The bigger question is why I am justifying myself to you. Who the eff are you? I don't know you.

This is not the first time you have come at me with vitriol. I vividly remember you writing to me accusing me of 'not wanting to feel better' because i didn't go on antidepressants that you were incessant i take immediately--not knowing that I have a health condition that makes that difficult.

Listen, I come hear for support not accusations and criticisms. I regret coming here today after reading this.

[FindingMe2011]

You make so many assumptions, and take such an aggressive stance -- again. I am not sure why, I have never met you.


when all we look for is validation... .how does one become more mentally healthy? we dont... .I have read the thread, and dont see assumptions, or aggression... .Do you always become defensive over comments you dont agree with? Look up the term Altruistic Narcissist... .could be some help 

Yes, I have gone out on some dates. Had some coffee, drinks, a lunch, etc. I have not slept with anyone, had more than one date with any particular person, etc. I did this after she broke up with me. What I am upset about is that she was lying to me while we were dating and, as I have come to realize, recycled an older boyfriend as she is telling me that she isn't. You can see the difference, yes?

There really isnt much difference... .You are obviously still very much, emotionally attached to another... .Is this fair to put someone else, in the middle of your mess? Its your life, to live as you choose. JUST AS IT IS, with pwBPD, right?... .

Listen, I come hear for support not accusations and criticisms. I regret coming here today after reading this.

Enabling IS NOT SUPPORT... .The hardest part of becoming mentally healthier, is dealing with the bones , in our own closet... .Its where most stop, b/c it becomes too painful... .I hope one day, you DONT see accusations, or criticisms... .it really is support, hoping to push you, to ask yourself the hard questions... .I wish you well, PEACE

[Skip]

I am still very raw, and in time I hope that some of your questions are something I can tackle.

This is all new stuff... .of course you are raw.

I really encourage you to spend time here working through your feelings. There is a lot going on in your head and you don't want to take this relationship into another relationship... .remember, many members here got into their BPD relationship as a rebound... .nothing more soothing than idealization when we have taken a huge ego blow.

Here is a good discussion on the topic:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319736.0

What I am upset about is that she was lying to me while we were dating and, as I have come to realize, recycled an older boyfriend as she is telling me that she isn't.

Betrayal wounds are deep. The more I see reactions to them, the more I appreciate just how devastating they are. The Instagram photos had to be like a drill into your skull. That hurts.

I think its god that you reconnected with the other photographer AND that you are dropped the gf talk with him - you both touched into that enough.

[Mutt]

Hi Shoct,

And as much as this forum has been a godsend, it also reminds me of her.

I think that many members will relate with not having supportive people in their lives or loved ones that don't understand. My FOO is invalidating they don't know any better and when I suffered a huge ego wound when my exuBPDw was secretly having an affair and left for the other man it was tremendous pain.

I was invalidated all of my life I didn't understand the concept of self validation I just wanted to be heard from loved ones I didn't want support because they didn't have experience with divorce and I didn't need them to fix anything. I just wanted them to be there for me for this one thing it hurt like hell.

Thank god for this forum I huge part of healing is validation when your self worth is damaged because of your FOO and / or breaking up with a pwBPD. I come here when there are BPD things going on in my life this family - bpdfamily gets it.

I also get it when you say that the forum reminds you of her do you see a lot of semblances from your experience and what other people share? My advice is it will get easier when you have more time behind you and things are less raw as Skip said - it helps to talk. It will get better brother.

[EdR]

You make so many assumptions, and take such an aggressive stance -- again. I am not sure why, I have never met you.


when all we look for is validation... .how does one become more mentally healthy? we dont... .I have read the thread, and dont see assumptions, or aggression... .Do you always become defensive over comments you dont agree with? Look up the term Altruistic Narcissist... .could be some help 

Yes, I have gone out on some dates. Had some coffee, drinks, a lunch, etc. I have not slept with anyone, had more than one date with any particular person, etc. I did this after she broke up with me. What I am upset about is that she was lying to me while we were dating and, as I have come to realize, recycled an older boyfriend as she is telling me that she isn't. You can see the difference, yes?

There really isnt much difference... .You are obviously still very much, emotionally attached to another... .Is this fair to put someone else, in the middle of your mess? Its your life, to live as you choose. JUST AS IT IS, with pwBPD, right?... .

Listen, I come hear for support not accusations and criticisms. I regret coming here today after reading this.

Enabling IS NOT SUPPORT... .The hardest part of becoming mentally healthier, is dealing with the bones , in our own closet... .Its where most stop, b/c it becomes too painful... .I hope one day, you DONT see accusations, or criticisms... .it really is support, hoping to push you, to ask yourself the hard questions... .I wish you well, PEACE

I recently told another member, itgetsbetter, that I would probably take some time off these boards. Although they've helped and I hopefully have helped other members, they also keep me somewhat stuck. A kind of paradox really.

Some other things have bothered me as well: treating NC as the Holy Grail and in some cases even hurting the pwBPD triggers me enormously.
The bold part in the quote above is something I don't really appreciate either. I don't know Shoct, I don't know Bo. But I do know that both were hurting and perhaps their hurt might change the way they act. I only know that I appreciated (most of) their contributions, so I am most certainly not interfering here. But the bold part in this quote feels like a jab. If anyone of the caretaker type would research the 'altruistic narcissist' as requested, they would probably feel like staring in the mirror. But that does NOT mean they fit the label and I truly feel this kind of cheap psychology is dangerous. It's like saying: "oh my gosh, this guy killed his mother". Yeah, that sounds horrific indeed. So others would probably start yelling "lock him up!".  But wait a minute... .we don't know anything. Was it murder? Or was it perhaps self-defense?

[Skip]

We have two post relationship boards... .Detaching is Level 1. Learning is Level 2.

We all understand the raw emotion of detaching.

Learning is above the raw emotion and doesn't support the specific things you mention.

We all go through stages in our recovery. You should be posting on Learning EdR

[Harley Quinn]

The reason I reached out to the other guy was because I wanted him to know why I stopped following him after he blocked me. We have been IG-type friends for a couple of years and that I unfollowed him upset him enough to block me, judging from his reaction.

That is what I like to think was the only reason--it was what I told myself at the time. But, in hindsight, I wouldn't deny the hope of either finding something out (as I did), or something even more dangerous--hope that she hears that this dude and i are talking.

Hi Shoct,

I picked up on the word dangerous here.  What do you feel is the danger if she hears that you and this guy are talking?  I'm guessing, and stop me if I'm wrong, that you would feel in danger of breaking your own boundary on yourself if she were to reach out to you?  In light of the pictures that left you feeling so troubled, do you still feel the same level of danger exists for you now?  I know these came as a real shock and were very upsetting for you to see.  Let us know how you're doing. 

Love and light x

[Bo123]

You have a right to your opinion however as I read it, there was little of the forcing you to do anything, I gave options to help.  You're obviously hurt and it shows in your post.  I wish you the best in whoever and whatever road you choose to take.  Sorry for how you interpreted my input.