Will she abuse the kids?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Something I’m struggling with is the fear that she will abuse the kids. Right now our S3 and her D8 are fairly safe, I think. There have been red flags that cause me concern, though. She does have a tendency to get loud with them. I always tried to let her know that that wasn’t acceptable. I think she resented me for that. I wasn’t there to witness this, but she did tell me that she bit our Son until he cried to punish him for biting his sister. I did witness her back hand him upside the head. My ex was laying on the floor and S3 was climbing on her. Playing. He ended up biting her and she hit him like that. Needless to say, I went off on her. She appeared to feel some guilt, but she didn’t apologize nor console our Son. My real concern is this. I know the emotional abuse I received from her. The rages. The awful things she said. The using of my most sensitive vulnerabilities against me, etc. I have read and heard from several sources that if she is capable of abusing the father, that she will more than likely be abusive to the children. Her D8, from what I’ve seen, looks miserable whenever I get a glimpse of her. Near the end of the relationship, when my ex would text me pics of S3 and her D8, D8’s eyes looked pretty blank and it always looked like her smile was forced. I was noticing how much my ex was neglecting her daughter after our Son came along. I tried to help, but everything was already so chaotic so the best outcome was merely controlled chaos. Does anyway have any knowledge or experience with something like this?

[JNChell]

Something I’m struggling with is the fear that she will abuse the kids. Right now our S3 and her D8 are fairly safe, I think. There have been red flags that cause me concern, though. She does have a tendency to get loud with them. I always tried to let her know that that wasn’t acceptable. I think she resented me for that. I wasn’t there to witness this, but she did tell me that she bit our Son until he cried to punish him for biting his sister. I did witness her back hand him upside the head. My ex was laying on the floor and S3 was climbing on her. Playing. He ended up biting her and she hit him like that. Needless to say, I went off on her. She appeared to feel some guilt, but she didn’t apologize nor console our Son. My real concern is this. I know the emotional abuse I received from her. The rages. The awful things she said. The using of my most sensitive vulnerabilities against me, etc. I have read and heard from several sources that if she is capable of abusing the father, that she will more than likely be abusive to the children. Her D8, from what I’ve seen, looks miserable whenever I get a glimpse of her. Near the end of the relationship, when my ex would text me pics of S3 and her D8, D8’s eyes looked pretty blank and it always looked like her smile was forced. I was noticing how much my ex was neglecting her daughter after our Son came along. I tried to help, but everything was already so chaotic so the best outcome was merely controlled chaos. Does anyway have any knowledge or experience with something like this?

[Torched]

I haven’t had (or don’t know about) the same problems you fear/are having.  My ex basically enmeshed with my kids during the divorce, using them as an inappropriate crutch.  It was abusive in that my D10 and S13 should’t have been put in a position where their mom was using them for constant emotional support.  This was accompanied with very heavy FOG for my D10 especially which caused her a lot of pain and confusion up until I started getting her in counseling.  The counselor really helped give my D10 the tools to deal with mom’s inappropriate behavior and now she doesn’t play ball with mom.  This caused mom to move on to son, and now I have him with the same counselor for the exact same reasons, one year after the divorce.

I’m not aware of really bad outward behaviors, and yet I don’t think my kids would tell me... .they love their mom and unfortunately I know they would put up with a lot.

The thing that has really been a constant fight other than the enmeshment is the badmouthing from mom, attempts to alienate/create mistrust of me with my children.

Hang in there, stay observant, and act quickly when you see things develop.  Trust your gut because you’ll usually be right on.

[livednlearned]

Hi JNChell,

Wanting to raise emotionally resilient kids when one parent is BPD is something many of us work toward.

What is your relationship with your son like? How is he with his mom?

It looks like there is no formal custody order in place and you see him when your ex says it's ok?

Dr. Craig Childress talks about "pathogenic" parenting, to describe the full range of child abuse possible when someone has BPD/NPD.

How are things going in regard to custody?

[JNChell]

My Son and I have a very good relationship. He’s very affectionate with me. He has his 3 year old moments, but that’s to be expected. He had a pretty bad meltdown out of nowhere over the weekend. It lasted nearly 2 hours until he exhausted himself. That was a first for me. If I tried to get close to him, he would try to hit and kick and was hitting a trash can. I just had to wait it out. That was very concerning. He’s had a couple of other episodes that have me a little concerned as well. Maybe he’s just adjusting? I don’t think he’s taking the split very well. He often makes his little comments about me coming home with him, and over the weekend he was making me draw mommy, daddy, sissy and himself.

He and his mother get along pretty well. I don’t think she pays enough attention, though. She’s on her phone a lot and there were occasions when we’d hear him fall in another room and he would start to cry. I’d immediately jump up to run to him and calm him down. When I’d return to where she was, she’d still be on her phone like nothing happened. She’s displayed some pretty serious rages toward me in his presence as well. This made him visibly upset. Stuff like that. I know they love their mom, though.

You pretty much described how custody is right now. I don’t know if we’ll end up in court or not at this point. She and her ex husband avoided court, but it was very hostile between them for quite a while. I’m hoping to get my work schedule modified so that I can have him for 2 nights during the week, plus the weekends that I already have for the most part. She does leverage him for control which is disturbing. If she and I are in conflict about something that has nothing to do with him, she’ll threaten to take him away. I get told over and over that I’m a bad Father because I don’t have him enough. I would have him all the time if I could. I’m working on getting resettled since the split, but it’s going to take some time. I will read the article later when I’m off work. Thanks for reaching out.