Does it hurt because we were chasing the "reward"?

[Husband321]

Usually in life hard work and dedication leads to a good result.

Do some of us carry this thinking over into a relationship?

As an example, for my wife and I to be together it was not easy.

She was newly divorced. Took 2 years of getting to "know her". Helped her with several parenting plans. Then lived together.  Then engaged. Then married.

Then a car accident she got into. Then helping her become a better mom. Helping her change the way she looks at money. Helping her quit weed. Helping her drink less. (And each step of the way her fervently thanking me as I am the only one in her life who cares)

Then once all is "good", financially, her parenting plan, nice house, great area,nice car,  she bolts. Just can't handle stability.  Needs chaos. Ran to a different man she knew for a couple days, and now I think another state. Disappeared.

It's almost like so much effort just to be hurt and be the "bad guy" once it is all over. So many nights you are up all night talking to them about their "problems" all forgotten. I think that is the frustrating part.  Always hurdle after hurdle, thinking you are closer to "good times" when in reality they might not even know how to handle "good times"

[In a bad way]

You are so right.
Mine couldn't handle stability, when plans fell into place she got worse. I asked her a few times why she could't be happy, is was as if she thrived on confrontation with me.
I used to think that because her past relationships were full of arguments that that was what she was used to. Yes chaos was the norm to her, a nice night had to end in an argument caused by her even though there was nothing to argue about, it was like a night cap to her.
Eat the nice meal I'd cooked, relax in the house I'd cleaned for the second time that day because in between her kids had left it like a tip, and watch TV and then bang, start a massive row.
It was like it was all she knew, she couldn't embrace happiness and peace and tranquillity.
We got the dog we wanted, her mood started off great but within a couple of days she started her old tricks again.
I sold my house, she got more abusive, I was on the verge of a great job, she got more abusive, nearly mine and her birthdays she went worse. Near to holidays she went worse.
She couldn't handle the good.

[Husband321]

You are so right.
Mine couldn't handle stability, when plans fell into place she got worse. I asked her a few times why she could't be happy, is was as if she thrived on confrontation with me.
I used to think that because her past relationships were full of arguments that that was what she was used to. Yes chaos was the norm to her, a nice night had to end in an argument caused by her even though there was nothing to argue about, it was like a night cap to her.
Eat the nice meal I'd cooked, relax in the house I'd cleaned for the second time that day because in between her kids had left it like a tip, and watch TV and then bang, start a massive row.
It was like it was all she knew, she couldn't embrace happiness and peace and tranquillity.
We got the dog we wanted, her mood started off great but within a couple of days she started her old tricks again.
I sold my house, she got more abusive, I was on the verge of a great job, she got more abusive, nearly mine and her birthdays she went worse. Near to holidays she went worse.
She couldn't handle the good.

So right about the holidays and birthdays.  She disappeared on me and her ex husband a few days before Christmas... .

Once all was good she said she couldn't stand our house anymore. Then couldn't stand the state we live in... .(loved both previously)

Then she made up some imaginary problems with my ex wife. Then just didn't want to be a "housewife". But didn't want to work either. It was never ending.

[In a bad way]

We went on holiday and it was two weeks of hell, she totally ruined it, it was like having a badly behaved 5 year old with me.
It was meant to be a great time, but she was in a foul mood for 12 out of the 14 days, screaming, throwing tantrums, lying on the floor in the middle of the street, gave me nothing but verbal abuse. you name it she did it.
I actually said to her we were finished when we got back but I didn't stick to it. She acted like nothing had happened.
In fact the last 6 weeks up to going on holiday she was terrible.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, I kept hoping it would get better. It did for a little while after his suicide attempt when he was in counselling. He was actually buying into it, and it was like we were newlyweds. Then he quit counselling, and things began changing again. I think he had a bad PTSD flare, and then we were separated a month later. Even during the PTSD flare, I kept hoping that I could do something to turn it around.

Then for months I agonized about what I could have done. Lots of ugly interactions over the phone, then over email, and now we just email on business-related matters.

The clinical psychologist I used to see predicted it a full year in advance. She told me there was no hope for the relationship. I actually stopped seeing her for awhile and went elsewhere because I didn't want the "I told you so," but one of my young adults still sees her. We've since talked, and I wish that I had seen it more clearly. My current counsellor is good though and helps me hold my personal boundaries. She doesn't soft-pedal the ugly aspects of BPD/NPD either.

I hate the thought that my marriage of 25 years is in tatters, but I'm seeing the other side of it. I was foolish to think that it would turn around without a miracle. So yes, it hurts because of the investment and hope I had. I wanted to be one of "those" stories that makes it through h*ll and back and still in love. But it wasn't.

[Bo123]

MeandThee29-Sounds like a dream that was crushed by the hard rocks of reality.  Sorry.  25 years is a long time and a lot of memories.  Me being my own worst critic, would be beating myself up thinking the T had said a year in advance, no hope. T's are not always right, but it was brave of them to make such a statement, must have really thought they had it nailed, and did.  Wish I had a magic wand to make things all good from the beginning but I don't.  Tough as it is, maybe its time for a reset and start anew?  Covering all 25 years will take forever and I think you know who the problem was and what issues needed to be addressed on both sides.  Don't waste time on the old, focus on the new.  Best of luck.

[Jeffree]

You know, sometimes we forget the cyclical nature of some disorders.

My first ex kept things together for pretty much our entire 10 years. We dated for three years, she earned her Masters degree, got a decent job, made a decent wage, got help for her depression and stayed in therapy and on meds, kept her medical sales job, made friends... .for 10 years. The only blemish was that we kept having to move every couple of years because she would conveniently change jobs or territories that often.

Then one day she said she was misdiagnosed and went off her meds, and a few weeks later said she couldn't live like this anymore and she was gone. It didn't matter one bit who I was, what I was about, how I pleaded with her to stay. I basically never saw her again. We met during a couple of the divorce sessions, and I once stumbled upon her dating site profile, but that was it. Gone goodbye.

I think I met her at the beginning of a good cycle, then once the mania hit she was off to the races, having an affair with her boss, left me, got herself and her boss fired for the affair, then got her ass kicked in the divorce proceedings.

J