I'm getting burned out on dating

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi friends,

I am 4 years apart, 3 years divorced from my BPD ex-husband.  I finally dated a man for 8 months this past year, but found my feelings would not reach any intensity, so I broke things off.  

My divorce really did a number on my soul. Since then, I've learned how to care for myself quite well.  I seriously wonder if it's possible to fall in love again, now that I'm no longer so needy.  I want to meet a man who dazzles me, and it just. ain't. happening.

People ask me if I still have feelings for my ex and I am reluctant to tell them the truth.  When I do tell, people say, "it sounds like you need more time alone."  I will forever grieve him.  But just because I have feelings for my ex doesn't mean I want to be back together with him.

I'm ready to be in a relationship, I am just feeling burned out and a little numb. I wish I knew why.  I keep hoping I'll meet somebody who will change this feeling.  Can any of you relate?  Is this a fear thing or perhaps old feelings getting in the way? I can't get to the bottom of this. Dating has never been such an issue for me.  Before my ex husband, I had only spent about a month alone in my entire adult life.  This is very strange behavior for me.

[calledandchosen]

Hi friends,

I am 4 years apart, 3 years divorced from my BPD ex-husband.  I finally dated a man for 8 months this past year, but found my feelings would not reach any intensity, so I broke things off.  

My divorce really did a number on my soul. Since then, I've learned how to care for myself quite well.  I seriously wonder if it's possible to fall in love again, now that I'm no longer so needy.  I want to meet a man who dazzles me, and it just. ain't. happening.

People ask me if I still have feelings for my ex and I am reluctant to tell them the truth.  When I do tell, people say, "it sounds like you need more time alone."  I will forever grieve him.  But just because I have feelings for my ex doesn't mean I want to be back together with him.

I'm ready to be in a relationship, I am just feeling burned out and a little numb. I wish I knew why.  I keep hoping I'll meet somebody who will change this feeling.  Can any of you relate?  Is this a fear thing or perhaps old feelings getting in the way? I can't get to the bottom of this. Dating has never been such an issue for me.  Before my ex husband, I had only spent about a month alone in my entire adult life.  This is very strange behavior for me.

[gotbushels]

Hi calledandchosen 

I am 4 years apart, 3 years divorced from my BPD ex-husband. 

Yes, these relationships are difficult.  Breaking up with a partner is difficult.

I finally dated a man for 8 months this past year, but found my feelings would not reach any intensity, so I broke things off.   

Sometimes we miss the good feelings of being in a certain type of relationship.  It seemed that you ended a relationship because feelings would not reach a certain level of intensity. Is this important to you?

... .I seriously wonder if it's possible to fall in love again, now that I'm no longer so needy.

Yes, after a breakup, it can happen that we wonder when we'll be in another relationship. It is possible to be in a relationship after a difficult one, though it might not feel like it. You mention that you're uncertain about the ability to fall in love despite being less needy. Will you share more about this relationship between being needy and feeling love?

I'm getting burned out on dating

Can you share what you're trying to gain from a relationship? What is it that is getting burned out and why?

I hope you find peace.

[araneina]

Hi friends,

I am 4 years apart, 3 years divorced from my BPD ex-husband.  I finally dated a man for 8 months this past year, but found my feelings would not reach any intensity, so I broke things off.  

My divorce really did a number on my soul. Since then, I've learned how to care for myself quite well.  I seriously wonder if it's possible to fall in love again, now that I'm no longer so needy.  I want to meet a man who dazzles me, and it just. ain't. happening.

People ask me if I still have feelings for my ex and I am reluctant to tell them the truth.  When I do tell, people say, "it sounds like you need more time alone."  I will forever grieve him.  But just because I have feelings for my ex doesn't mean I want to be back together with him.

I'm ready to be in a relationship, I am just feeling burned out and a little numb. I wish I knew why.  I keep hoping I'll meet somebody who will change this feeling.  Can any of you relate?  Is this a fear thing or perhaps old feelings getting in the way? I can't get to the bottom of this. Dating has never been such an issue for me.  Before my ex husband, I had only spent about a month alone in my entire adult life.  This is very strange behavior for me.

Meaning you've always been in a relationship?  Perhaps you're finding that you like being alone more than you thought.  I am the exact opposite.  I have spent most of my adult life alone, and now I sincerely miss being in a relationship.  I haven't yet returned to dating but I am dreading it.

[Lucky Jim]

I finally dated a man for 8 months this past year, but found my feelings would not reach any intensity, so I broke things off.   

Hey c&c, I wonder whether you are keeping your guard up after your divorce "did a number on your soul"?  In other words, maybe you aren't ready to let your feelings flow again?  If so, that's understandable after going through the turmoil of marriage to a pwBPD, yet it might also indicate that you need more time before you are emotionally ready for dating again, notwithstanding that this is "strange behavior" for you.  To me, it's not so strange that you might have an emotional block after parting ways with your pwBPD.

LuckyJim

P.S.  It's been five years since my divorce from my BPDxW.

[Jeffree]

For myself I wonder if I will ever be attracted to companionship with one who would be good for me, or if like the moth I am drawn to the exciting flame despite the potential for dire consequences.

That's the thing, though, isn't it?

I'm a regular, decent guy—honest, relatively smart, reliable, etc. Nothing scintillating here. But my STBx thought the world of me at first, couldn't get enough of me, filled my head with dreams of grandeur, which is the head trip of all head trips because that's not really real coming from anyone

I wouldn't say she played a premeditated game of screw over the boy in love, but I trapped myself by believing this drug wouldn't harm me. 

Like they say, "If something seems too good to be true, chances are it is."

So after getting that high, I venture forth for something more reasonably real—solid companionship with a peer, which I have yet to find. I just hope when I do find it that I can actually appreciate it for what it is.

The other thing is that society seems to feed us these unreasonable expectations of what passion/love is supposed to be. Somehow the first time you meet someone you don't even know, your nether region is supposed to spontaneously ignite because you connect so intensely... .and that's supposed to last until death do you part.

I think there's a better case to be made on behalf of the existence of Santa Claus.

J

[once removed]

I want to meet a man who dazzles me, and it just. ain't. happening.

how soon in a relationship are you looking for/expecting this?

[Lucky Jim]

I venture forth for something more reasonably real—solid companionship with a peer, which I have yet to find. I just hope when I do find it that I can actually appreciate it for what it is.

Jeffree: I think that's a reasonable goal and definitely do-able, as I can confirm.  I doubt you will have trouble appreciating it when you find yourself in a healthy relationship.  The key, in my view, is to be authentic with yourself and the other person.  For much of my marriage to a pwBPD, I was just pretending and/or going through the motions, as if everything was OK when all signs indicated that things were not OK.  No more.  These days I strive to be myself, which seems a good starting point for romance.

LuckyJim

[BasementDweller]

Hi, C&C -

I can kind of relate to what you are saying, and I think that what you are experiencing is not abnormal. Some years ago, I was in a relatively brief relationship (only six months) with a man I fell deeply in love with. We were highly compatible, had fantastic chemistry, could talk for 14 hours straight without a moment of uncertainty, and for all practical purposes - we should have worked... .

... .except it was a long distance relationship and he had trust issues and recent trauma from a very bad break-up. We just didn't make it. Our timing was horrible, sadly. Too many things were stacked against us.

I was absolutely devastated by the loss of him, as I had loved him with a depth I'd never felt before, even in that short time. I'm normally very emotionally reserved, and far more logical and rational than emotional. I'm, a straight-up, stone cold INTJ who scores 0% on the feelings scale when I take the Meyers-Briggs. No joke. ZERO percent. Surely that can't be right?  But it's true that I was completely unable to muster up any interest in anyone for a full three years, and even then, I still had NO interest in dating, but sort of forced myself to "get back out there", because I was holed up in my flat like a hermit, and could probably have been re-classified as a virgin again by then, haha.

To add to the tragedy of it all, my ex-and I used to have an ocean between us. We met when I traveled to his country for a work assignment... .two years after our split, that assigment ended up turning into a job offer. Which landed me living in the same city as him. Everything reminded me of him, everywhere I went, and I fell into a deep depression. By the time I arrived here, he was in a new relationship.

He described it as "luke warm" but said that it felt safer to him, as his feelings for me had been scarily intense, and potentially dangerous to his fragile psyche. He later told me that if I had lived closer, and he'd had more time to get to know me in a "day to day way" - our outcome would have been different and he now regrets his decision to let me go. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream when I heard that, but it was the catalyst for me to quit moping and just give someone else a chance.

About 48 hours after I decided I'd consider dating again, my dBPD partner came crashing into my life, rather accidentally. Because go big or go home, right? Initially - I felt nothing for him. Except that he was difficult, stubborn, volitile, overreaactive, seemingly arrogant, emotionally labile, and intensely passionate. We argued - a LOT. The total opposite of my levelheaded, unflappable, mathematician emotionally restrained ex. Whom I still loved madly.

I told myself this guy was "safe" (as odd as that sounds) - because I wasn't going to fall in love. He was TOO difficult. I couldn't possibly, right?

A few months of relatively casual dating later, he noticed my distant demeanor, and said "I am starting to think I am not your type and maybe you aren't that into me. Do you want to just stay friends?"

Suddenly, I was seized by a tiny glimmer of panic. I wasn't sure that's what it was at the time, but in retrospect, I realize it now. I was falling for him, and no, I did not want to give him up.

A few weeks after that, he showed up at my apartment and said "I want to be your boyfriend!" with a huge smile on his face. I said, "Baby steps. But that's not a 'no'. It's a 'wait a while'". He accepted that, to the best of his ability. A few months later, we moved in together. And yes, then the BPD began to really kick up, and man - it was a roller coaster. I questioned my sanity and my decision to stay with this man every day. I began to wonder if I in fact, felt nothing for him, but was only there because I refused to fail. Again.

Did I eventually fall madly in love in some whirlwind honeymoon phase? Not really. Not like that. Not by a longshot. The more we bickered, the more exasperated I felt, and the more his BPD came to the surface, the more doubtful I became that this would work, or that I'd ever love him deeply. It seemed he wouldn't let me. And Jesus, he pissed me off! 

However, there was one thing that kept coming to the surface and rising above all my doubt. He loved me intensely, and he did NOT leave me. Even when the going got tough, he didn't leave me. He didn't replace me, either. He never made me feel as if there was anyone out there for him but me. There were times when he'd do the "I hate you don't leave me" thing... .(or, I hate you, LEAVE ME!) but I'd call him on it and say, "You don't mean that and you know it. It's your defense mechanism. Relationships are scary, aren't they?"

My ex left me WHILE we were in the honeymoon phase. Who does that? This guy... .is still there. And yes, we have had some horrific battles. But he did not disappear. That means something.

When things came to a head, I told him that we MUST go to couseling together, and get this situation under control because I had spent years crying in misery over my ex, and I will not spend another precious second of my life crying in misery over the boyfriend I DO have. He agreed, as he was tired of fighting too, and letting BPD behaviors destroy his (and our) happiness.

Our therapist is amazing and got right to the heart of the matter immediately, and didn't mince words. His "tough love style" made me worried that my pwBPD might storm out of the sessions. He hasn't. He actually likes them. He likes the fact that the therapist immediately said "I don't care if you have BPD. We all have our issues. Welcome to the human race. Labeling you solves nothing. Let's just help you two work through whatever stresses you out, and develop some better conflict resolution skills shall we?"

Two meetings in, we began to address my partner's abusive mother (also BPD, but WAY worse) and how she traumatized him his entire life, and that was why he reacted the way he did to so many things. He broke down crying in the session, and apologized for how he has behaved toward me. My heart sort of split wide open, and I realized that day... .I loved him fiercely. Different from the way I had loved my ex, sure. It did not come easy, nor did it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was... .insidious!   It was more like a very slow boil that finally sprung to the surface like a geyser, and blew the top of my head off that day, haha. But it happened. Despite my attempts to squelch it. ;-)

The moral of this long winded snorefest? Sometimes, giving somebody a chance and maybe just enjoying the ride turns into something real. It took me over two years to realize how much I loved this guy... .because to be honest, I WASN'T ready when I met him. But now I am. And lo and behold, there's been peace between us for a solid month now. Am I foolishly optimistic that everything will be rosy, from here on in? Hell no. It's going to take a lot of work, and there will be blow-outs. Hopefully less intense and fewer and more far between though. But am I in love with him? Finally, truly... .yes. After FIVE years of my heart lying essentially dormant - and I can barely believe it myself.

So maybe do try to give it a go. You never know what might happen, or how love will present itself. Love is weird that way. We'll never have it all figured out. It's the sneakiest and most mysterious thing on earth. Good luck! 

[Lady Itone]

Ah, dating.

Almost 4 years ago, I separated from the man I was with for 16 years. It was my decision. I've gone on many dates with people of both genders ever since--I've been openly bisexual seen college, I'm mid-40's now.

Like you, @calledandchosen, in the past, I've rarely given myself time between relationships. When I met my exhusband in my late 20's, I was living with a guy, broke up with him to be with exhubby. Then, I went right from my exhusband to a NPD woman, briefly back to exhusband, then 8 months with a Peter Pan bachelor. A week later I had my first date with my recent BPD exgirlfriend. She was gorgeous and wild and I knew she'd be trouble, but I guess I was looking for trouble, . That first date lasted 4 days. I'm still untangling from her.

Luckily, I enjoy dating. I think the trick is I don't really care if it never turns into a romance. I'm an introvert who lives for one-on-one face-to-face time, and going out on dates lets me have that. Plus you get to have food, drinks, conversation, all things I enjoy! If I don't feel that attracted to a person, so what. I make friends, and I've made lots of new friends this way and expanded my social circle.

Personally, I operate under a "Hell yes" system. If it's not a "hell yes," if I'm not, as you say "dazzled" by a man or woman, they get put in the friendzone. That doesn't mean they won't eventually move into a romantic light, it just means at that time I won't engage with them physically or romantically. Hell yes dates are few and far between, that's just the nature of the beast. That's ok. You still get to meet lots of new people, make new friends, try new restaurants. I also find that what gets a hell yes outta me changes over time. Me going all-in with passionate, damaged BPDgf was likely direct response to the lukewarm emotional depth of Peter Pan guy.  

Right now, I've been taking a break from dating in the hope that I will not choose a mate in reaction to the relationship that just happened. I'm hoping next I'll chose someone very stable but also passionate.  

If you're feeling burned out on dating, stop for a bit. It's supposed to be fun! What's your rush?  

[calledandchosen]

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt responses, questions, and bits of personal experiences.  It's all so helpful.

So, after three months alone again, I began to date someone from my Meetup group with whom I have a strong connection and the result has been surprising, and unlike my last experiences trying to date.  I feel very invested in him emotionally, I'm feeling passionate, and connected.  I discovered that my BPD ex-husband is also dating someone, and I'm actually feeling relieved and happy for him, because I wish his happiness.  So, the spell is broken.  I'll always remember the feelings I had for my BPD ex-husband, but I'm don't miss him anymore.  He's become a part of my subconscious symbols and shows up in dreams in context to fear, pity, and abandonment mostly.  It's like a part of my DNA, or PTSD, yet not even on the level of being a friend I miss and would like to catch up with.

What's interesting to me is that because I hadn't found someone yet that I really clicked with, that this meant I still loved my ex-husband and might never recover.  I realize that the other people I've tried dating were healthy choices for me, but just not what I am looking for.  I want to start paying closer attention to my intuition because I'm finding that it's pretty reliable. 

So I bring good news today.  There is hope for moving forward and finding passionate love again.  I do believe that this man I'm now dating has a bit of a dark side, and I'm embracing it because it has boundaries.  Fiercely intelligent and sensitive people often do have a dark side.  Relationships can be boring or they can be difficult (apart from all of the good stuff), and I will always choose difficult over boring. I'll always chose to go deeper, to feel alive, to be made vulnerable.