Did she have BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just asking this question as I feel I need some insight for me being able to move forward.

Just a brief summery of our relationship:
- We dated for 3 years, and she broke up with me in November. When we met she moved the relationship forward a bit fast, and wanted to be a couple within a few weeks of dating (which at the time made me suspicious).
For the most part our relationship was great, and she was very happy (several people have told me how much she changed for the better after she met me, and how happy she looked).
- Not sure if this is idealization (which I suppose happen in normal relationships too during honeymoon phase). However up until 2 months before our breakup I couldn’t do anything wrong, and she did shower me with love. She also did adopt my hobby (working out) as she really didn’t have many hobbies of her own.
- She was the most loving and caring girl I have ever met. We didnt really fight apart from the usual small arguments every relationship have. She did however say that 'no one could piss her off like me', however she never showed it. Her anger was turned more inwards rather than outwards which youd expect from a person with BPD? When she was angry shed become silent until whenever I tried to make her talk again.
We did however have one 'big' argument, which imo wasn’t  really a big deal, or even an argument that should have happened, but it left her in tears at the time and even a year after she still felt hurt.


During the breakup phase she alternated between being very hot or cold. She changed her mind a lot, not just regarding our relationship, but regarding everything. One moment she wanted to move on to another position at her job because she had done everything there was to do at her current position. The week after her job was the only thing she was sure about. Changed her mind about everything basically.
We had a 1 week break 1 month before it was over. She wanted me back, I was still 'the man of her life', 'best thing that have ever happened to her', 'the man she wanted to grow old with', and we were still planning our future together, she would cry that she wouldn’t want to lose me, etc.
Then a month later it was done, and 2 weeks out she was already in a new relationship, claiming it to be 'the happiest day of her life' - despite me having made 2 of her dreams come true this year alone, and everyone, including herself saying how happy she was with me.

Obviously I did do some things wrong in the relationship, I just have a hard time grasping how she can go from claiming to be with the love of her life (me) and actually plan a future together, and everyone claiming they’ve never seen her happier (family, co-workers etc.)  - and then do that span of a month or two, and totally cut me off (and being blocked on social media)?
The breakup wasn’t even bad. We agreed to keep each other on FB, however during December she slowly cut me out of some social network sites, then gave me limited access on FB, and later blocked me for some reason? Can anyone make sense of this?

There is however a few points that lead me to believe she might do have BPD, which would ease the guilt I have from apparently having hurt her:
- She had fear of abandonment. She'd cry MANY times during our relationship because she was afraid id leave her, despite me have reassured her I wouldn’t.
- She had been wronged in every relationship (cheated on, emotionally abused) she have been in, particular the relationship before me, which lasted 8 years. She, and particular her mother, would for some reason STILL, 3 years into our relationship, bring that ex up in a negative way whenever we visited her parents.  
- In her last relationship she did have trouble controlling her weight (eating because she was sad), and spending (as she had debt which she blamed her ex for), indicating she acts impulsive.
- Did have a hot temper (just not aimed at me, which make me question if she is BPD?).
- Highly emotional. She'd cry whenever she was happy or sad.
- Easily get hurt. And when she was hurt shed bring up old wounds. So if you said something that reminded her of thing that had hurt her in the past, she'd feel those old feelings again. She cut her best friend off for a year because she hurt her (because she couldn’t attend her graduation), and she always had someone, either colleague or friend who’ve had hurt her in a way.
- When we had our break she had to talk to her mother (which she did often) to sort her head and thoughts out. This made her realise, 'yes Sab88 is a very good boyfriend, and he'd never hurt me like past relationships'.
- She was diagnosed with something she was treated for by a psychiatrist for 2 years. Think it was both social anxiety and psychopathy (ASPD?), however those personality types doesn’t really fit her.

Im kind of just asking how it all makes sense that she could drop me (the love of her life, a guy that had given her so much, and she was so happy with according to everyone), and be in a new relationship 2 weeks after? And what does it mean she just completely cut it off and block on social media, despite we actually agreed not to?
Also asking what I can expect? Should I reach out to her? Or stay No Contact (which I have been since breakup in November), though that’d maybe confirm to her that I don’t love her? (which I do).
In a way I want her to know I actually care for her very much, though she should already know that? I still however feel very guilty for having hurt her.


Thanks in advance.

[Sab88]

Just asking this question as I feel I need some insight for me being able to move forward.

Just a brief summery of our relationship:
- We dated for 3 years, and she broke up with me in November. When we met she moved the relationship forward a bit fast, and wanted to be a couple within a few weeks of dating (which at the time made me suspicious).
For the most part our relationship was great, and she was very happy (several people have told me how much she changed for the better after she met me, and how happy she looked).
- Not sure if this is idealization (which I suppose happen in normal relationships too during honeymoon phase). However up until 2 months before our breakup I couldn’t do anything wrong, and she did shower me with love. She also did adopt my hobby (working out) as she really didn’t have many hobbies of her own.
- She was the most loving and caring girl I have ever met. We didnt really fight apart from the usual small arguments every relationship have. She did however say that 'no one could piss her off like me', however she never showed it. Her anger was turned more inwards rather than outwards which youd expect from a person with BPD? When she was angry shed become silent until whenever I tried to make her talk again.
We did however have one 'big' argument, which imo wasn’t  really a big deal, or even an argument that should have happened, but it left her in tears at the time and even a year after she still felt hurt.


During the breakup phase she alternated between being very hot or cold. She changed her mind a lot, not just regarding our relationship, but regarding everything. One moment she wanted to move on to another position at her job because she had done everything there was to do at her current position. The week after her job was the only thing she was sure about. Changed her mind about everything basically.
We had a 1 week break 1 month before it was over. She wanted me back, I was still 'the man of her life', 'best thing that have ever happened to her', 'the man she wanted to grow old with', and we were still planning our future together, she would cry that she wouldn’t want to lose me, etc.
Then a month later it was done, and 2 weeks out she was already in a new relationship, claiming it to be 'the happiest day of her life' - despite me having made 2 of her dreams come true this year alone, and everyone, including herself saying how happy she was with me.

Obviously I did do some things wrong in the relationship, I just have a hard time grasping how she can go from claiming to be with the love of her life (me) and actually plan a future together, and everyone claiming they’ve never seen her happier (family, co-workers etc.)  - and then do that span of a month or two, and totally cut me off (and being blocked on social media)?
The breakup wasn’t even bad. We agreed to keep each other on FB, however during December she slowly cut me out of some social network sites, then gave me limited access on FB, and later blocked me for some reason? Can anyone make sense of this?

There is however a few points that lead me to believe she might do have BPD, which would ease the guilt I have from apparently having hurt her:
- She had fear of abandonment. She'd cry MANY times during our relationship because she was afraid id leave her, despite me have reassured her I wouldn’t.
- She had been wronged in every relationship (cheated on, emotionally abused) she have been in, particular the relationship before me, which lasted 8 years. She, and particular her mother, would for some reason STILL, 3 years into our relationship, bring that ex up in a negative way whenever we visited her parents.  
- In her last relationship she did have trouble controlling her weight (eating because she was sad), and spending (as she had debt which she blamed her ex for), indicating she acts impulsive.
- Did have a hot temper (just not aimed at me, which make me question if she is BPD?).
- Highly emotional. She'd cry whenever she was happy or sad.
- Easily get hurt. And when she was hurt shed bring up old wounds. So if you said something that reminded her of thing that had hurt her in the past, she'd feel those old feelings again. She cut her best friend off for a year because she hurt her (because she couldn’t attend her graduation), and she always had someone, either colleague or friend who’ve had hurt her in a way.
- When we had our break she had to talk to her mother (which she did often) to sort her head and thoughts out. This made her realise, 'yes Sab88 is a very good boyfriend, and he'd never hurt me like past relationships'.
- She was diagnosed with something she was treated for by a psychiatrist for 2 years. Think it was both social anxiety and psychopathy (ASPD?), however those personality types doesn’t really fit her.

Im kind of just asking how it all makes sense that she could drop me (the love of her life, a guy that had given her so much, and she was so happy with according to everyone), and be in a new relationship 2 weeks after? And what does it mean she just completely cut it off and block on social media, despite we actually agreed not to?
Also asking what I can expect? Should I reach out to her? Or stay No Contact (which I have been since breakup in November), though that’d maybe confirm to her that I don’t love her? (which I do).
In a way I want her to know I actually care for her very much, though she should already know that? I still however feel very guilty for having hurt her.


Thanks in advance.

[Mutt]

Hi sab88,

 

I’d like to welcome you to the family. How do you feel like you hurt her? I recall watching a YouTuber that had really low body fat for bikini competition and had gained a lot of weight after the completion was over then she switched to power lifting and she looks like she’s in really good shape.

We’re not doctors and cant diagnose what we can look at are traits of the disorder, BPD is a spectrum disorder I think that there are some traits there, it helps to read posts from other members you might see that there’s a lot that you can relate with. I recall lurking the forums and reading many posts that I felt like they could have been my exuBPDw with slight variables in each members story.

You’re right a pwBPD have a core wound of abandonment, a narcissistic injury and have feelings of rage from being abandoned. Some pwBPD direct their anger towards loved ones because they’re the most tempered, some pwBPD are quiet and direct their anger inward.

Splitting is another BPD behaviour a pwBPD can’t see the grey nuances in life they see either all good or all bad. You’re out on pedestal or you’re their worst enemy and devaluated - a pwBPD can’t see people as an integrated whole. To answer your question about reaching out to her I can’t tell you what to do I give you advice.

It hurts like hell when you’re in a r/s with a pwBPD and then you’re suddenly cut off. Personally I wouldn’t pursue her because of that treatment - it makes you feel sub human. I have a feeling when she has a need like the r/s is rocky and her abandonment fears are trigger she might put her feelers out. I’d take a time out and self reflect look at why you feel like you hurt and maybe that’s why she went NC.

A pwBPD have deep abandonment fears imagined or real and start looking for exit strategies. Realize that it’s not personal to you it’s something that a pwBPD s big part of healing is separating yourself from your exes behaviours.

When you realize it's not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were.” — Eckhart Tolle.