Ex Rude, I Put Up With It

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Being seperated from her H for a year,  we've done more joint outings with the kids.  Last weekend to the coast was OK.  This past weekend we drove an hour to the central valley for the kids' cousin's birthday.  D5 is a Major Princess, and S almost 8 has ASD1 so he can act like that also.

Kids were outside in a jumper. D5 started crying. Ex-BIL, who was doing BBQ on the back porch came in and said D5 was crying. My ex was holding her infant niece. I went outside to triage. Kids being kids. 

A little later,  D5 started crying again.  BIL came in again. I said that D was just being a Princess. She was,  even if the boys were being annoying.  They were just doing a sing-song chant which she didn't like.  Cue loud crying.  She needed to handle it rather then demanding to go home. 

I told their mom that she was fine.  She said, still holding the infant, "you need to go out there. You wanted to be a father,  so be a father!" I went out,  assessed the drama and came back on telling mommy that D was fine.  No further drama. 

I told two friends at work about this and I think they got more pissed off than I did at the time,  especially anow older female friend. I'm thinking I still have trouble standing up for myself.  The funny thing is that she asked if I wanted to take Monday off  (a holiday in the States, but not at my company) to spend it with her and the kids. She seems oblivious to how rude she can be. 

I'm thinking the next time that she can drive alone  (which she hates... .I drove us through fog, too).

The kids love us doing stuff together, and she does.  It was awkward when they said, "we want Mommy to stay the night!" However,  I can't help but to think "what am I getting out of this?"

[Turkish]

Being seperated from her H for a year,  we've done more joint outings with the kids.  Last weekend to the coast was OK.  This past weekend we drove an hour to the central valley for the kids' cousin's birthday.  D5 is a Major Princess, and S almost 8 has ASD1 so he can act like that also.

Kids were outside in a jumper. D5 started crying. Ex-BIL, who was doing BBQ on the back porch came in and said D5 was crying. My ex was holding her infant niece. I went outside to triage. Kids being kids. 

A little later,  D5 started crying again.  BIL came in again. I said that D was just being a Princess. She was,  even if the boys were being annoying.  They were just doing a sing-song chant which she didn't like.  Cue loud crying.  She needed to handle it rather then demanding to go home. 

I told their mom that she was fine.  She said, still holding the infant, "you need to go out there. You wanted to be a father,  so be a father!" I went out,  assessed the drama and came back on telling mommy that D was fine.  No further drama. 

I told two friends at work about this and I think they got more pissed off than I did at the time,  especially anow older female friend. I'm thinking I still have trouble standing up for myself.  The funny thing is that she asked if I wanted to take Monday off  (a holiday in the States, but not at my company) to spend it with her and the kids. She seems oblivious to how rude she can be. 

I'm thinking the next time that she can drive alone  (which she hates... .I drove us through fog, too).

The kids love us doing stuff together, and she does.  It was awkward when they said, "we want Mommy to stay the night!" However,  I can't help but to think "what am I getting out of this?"

[Pretty Woman]

Turkish,
   Personally I think you handled the situation very well. Just because she snapped at you and you did a second check on your kids doesn’t mean she’s controlling you. You prevented the situation from escalating in an extended family setting.

People who have not been in these situations have the best of intentions. This older woman friend has lived life. She’s probably seasoned and wise but not to the world of personality disorders. Take her anger as a sign of a good friend who cares about you but please don’t beat yourself up. You are doing a great job co-parenting in your situation. I’ve been on these boards a few years and have witnessed your journey. You are in a great place.

I think you need to stay true to your feelings though. You pose an interesting question: What are you getting out of this? If you are not happy you need to do what’s best for you, even if it means denying your kids “happy family time” with both parents. Sometimes those boundaries as harsh as they may seem will only benefit you and your kids in the future. They need the best of Turkish, not Turkish suffering through outings with mum.

I am pretty sure my own mother is a BPD (witch) My father left when I was five. He was in my life but there was very limited contact between my two parents. My father was also an alcoholic.

The crazy thing is this. He drinks today and will have one drink and be totally fine.

While I don’t normally say this about alcoholism I don’t think he was really an alcoholic, I think it was how he escaped her.
Not the best way to do so but I don’t think he knew any better.

Long story short, I appreciate my dad today more than ever! Your kids are smart and much more observant than you give them credit for. Be healthy for YOU and that will make you a better dad, even if it means putting the kabosh on extended family time.  

[Sunfl0wer]

Sorry I do not have much to offer on the general situation.

What did come to mind to share is something I learned in couples therapy about my step daughter.  Therapist explained that typically every kid of divoced parents has fantasies of their parents reuniting and things returning to what they were like before the divorce, minus the fights and such.  So that was expected to come up. 

Idk, but realizing this fantasy was a commonly shared one of kids of divorce, helped us to keep it in better perspective vs feeling emotionally tugged at by it. It helped us to remember that we are the emotional leaders of the child vs allowing her/childs fantasies to guide our decisions.  It was tempting to “give in” to stuff... .and encourage stuff that helped feed into her fantasies... .as it felt “right” while in the moment.  Yet, understanding that the fantasy is a given for her, and we can help her cope with learning it is ok to have mom and dad on different terms than before, was the ultimate goal... .helped us to stay focused on what she really needed long term.

[valet]

Hey Turkish, maybe this can be an opportunity to 'not sweat the small stuff.'

She snapped at you. You're right that it's rude, but it happens sometimes. There's very little chance that your boundaries are always going to prevent these little outbursts, so try to consider the bigger picture.

Are things alright in general? Does the good of this situation outweigh the bad? And in addition, how invested do you think you are in how she treats you when you see her with the kids?

Totally up to you to decide, of course.

[Turkish]

My work friend has a strong personality, though not BPD. She may have reacted how she would react.

I think my trouble is that I put up with things I shouldn't and maybe react to things I shouldn't. I suppose I can take the occasional snide comment, as long as it doesn't become a pattern. Not coming home to it every night is nice 

It took me over two years to not resent coming home to an empty house half of the time, a house I only bought because I started a family. Time and space give perspective. Thanks for the check-up everybody. Going to pick up the little rapscallions soon... .

[JNChell]

Turkish, I don’t know you, but from what I’ve read, you are quite a guy. I’m terrified of my ex, yet you’re able to actually do these things with yours. How? How have you been able to do that? Are you still in love with her? Does it feel good to be around her with your children? I’m being blunt, I know. I’m just intrigued by how you’re able to do this. BTW, is your screen name from the movie “Snatch”? I’m a Guy Ritchie fan.

[Turkish]

Turkish is indeed from Snatch. It was also the name of my last pet rat  (his mate was Tommy, naturally) my ex "made" me get rid of before I moved in with her. 

For over the first year,  I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her.  I won't lie and say that I don't find her attractive,  or that two Sundays ago, that I didn't kind of enjoy her company... .though the kids asking her to stay over at my house was kind of tough.  The lessons and tools (not to mention the support) help me not to trigger her as well as detach.  The kids are with me tonight,  but they go back for the weekend while I am alone in the home I only bought for my family.

I can't say that I don't still resent the empty nest. However, it is best to embrace reality at some point, which can't be fought. "Let the past die. Kill it if you have to." Maybe we don't have to go quite that dark, but there is a point there. With shared kids, it's another dynamic.  The past can't be killed,  only moved past.