When did she/he really get in your head?

[JNChell]

With the storm of thoughts that have been going through my head, I latched on to this one this morning. I’m curious to know if any of you have identified a defining action by your ex that resulted in them finally inflicting the fatal blow that ultimately made you start to question your sanity and who you were. For me, I’m starting to believe that it was when she started telling me that I was fake. I know now that I am anything but fake, but this really messed with me hard. I think that that may have been a triggering gaslight that really knocked me off balance. Like she had finally wounded her prey, and she knew it. I understand that there were many factors involved that lead up to my emotional and mental state, but I’m curious about other’s POV on this.

[Jeffree]

About four years ago, there was an incident when she was warring with everyone in the house all at once (me, and the two teenage kids), then started to let it flow over the phone onto her bio children's deceased bio father's sisters... .that side of the family as she referred to them.

The following morning as I was leaving for work, I made a simple statement or asked her a simple question to try and get her to reconsider the tack she was taking. She was laying in bed and relatively calm. It was probably something like, "What are you trying to accomplish with all of this?" or something. I don't remember the specifics now, but it was my best attempt to get her to look at the folly of what she was doing to everyone around her.

So, I go downstairs to gather my things, and she comes storming down, naked, looking for a big fight, screaming in my face, then made a motion as if she was going to hit me. I flinched, then saw red. I pushed her out of my face... .fairly aggressively, though not with the intent to injure her. The shock of my shove caused her to lose her balance and fall back a couple of feet into the kitchen cabinets. Then I grabbed her face and screamed into it, "Stop it already! Shut the hell up!"

She kicked at me, then went crying upstairs.

I gathered myself, devastated by what I had done, the promise to myself I had broken of never harming a woman. 

I went upstairs to apologize profusely, told her I would leave for good if that's what she wanted. Through her tears she tells me how unsafe she feels, that she married me because she didn't think I was like that, etc.

I knew my goose was cooked, that she would use this against me for the rest of our lives, and that she would choose to not work with me toward recovering from this.

For a while, I questioned who I was, if I really was that dangerously angry a person.

She eventually referred to that moment as "when I threw her across the kitchen."

She was in my head about this for a while.
 
J

[JNChell]

Jeffree, man, I’m sorry. It’s gets so crazy with them. Do you ever wonder if what happened was exactly the outcome she was hoping for? I know mine knows all of the buttons to push. I never put my hands on her, but I am guilty of punching things a couple of times. My ex before this ex would get physical. She punched me in the face a couple of times and would even follow me around the house when I was trying to remove myself from her assaults. She would taunt me and chest bump me and say things like “come on MFer! Hit me!”. It was insane, and I’ll admit, scary. Don’t think a 110 lb. girl can punch? Think again. Last I heard she went back to school... .psychology major. Saw it myself on LinkedIn. J, I know how bad it feels to lose it like that. Maybe in a way it can serve as a reminder that we do possess remorse, compassion and empathy. We really feel the guilt, and we grow from it. Thanks for sharing.

[FindingMe2011]

Probably not a good idea, to latch on to any thoughts, until you reach wise mind.

I’m curious to know if any of you have identified a defining action by your ex that resulted in them finally inflicting the fatal blow that ultimately made you start to question your sanity and who you were

As with any PD, those within close quarters, either conform, and enable, or become a victim... .Your words speak as if you were a prisoner... .what kept you in the r/s?

Like she had finally wounded her prey, and she knew it  
 
Gaslighting, refers to someone who changes past events, to fit their recollection of an event... .What you describe, seems to fit Projection... .Its the transference of ill feelings, from one to another... .and yes if a 5 yr old, finds something that works, they repeat at nauseum

I understand that there were many factors involved that lead up to my emotional and mental state, but I’m curious about other’s POV on this.

Yep, it was the perfect storm... .and if it wasnt her, it was going to be someone like her... .I know its just the beginning of your journey, but know the true healing comes when you work on yourself... .Its the only factor in all of this, that you can control

[JNChell]

BTB4, from researching and studying, I’m beginning to understand what kept me there. There are several contributing factors and I think I may have identified two very serious issues within me. One being attachment and the other being that I have been seeking a corrective outcome due to my mother. You’re right, the time has come for me to make sense of it all and find help and guidance in doing so. I’ll readily admit that I don’t like the person that I’ve allowed myself to become. That needs to change. Thanks for your insight. It helps.

[Jeffree]

JnChell,

Thanks! It was definitely a wakeup call that helped me never take that bait ever again despite her best efforts.

Yes, I believe that was the incident that made me worse than her dad in her eyes, "because he at least didn't pretend to be above putting his hands on a woman." So I gave her the ammo to put him higher up on the pedestal she had him on already.

My kind and balanced nature might have had her questioning why she had it so much easier with me than her mother was able to have it with her father, who literally had beaten her mother to within inches of her life several times way back when.

I do think, though, somewhere deep inside she knew what I had done paled in comparison to what her dad did, and was a one off, so she kept on trying to provoke me. When I had asked for us to be in separate bedrooms she screamed bloody murder and threw my stuff all around the room. When I packed to leave at her request that night, she tried to throw my luggage out the window then unpacked my stuff and threw it, threatened to key my car, etc. All I did was snatch back my bag, and she claimed I hurt her again, that if I touched her she'd call the cops.

And there were cruddy incidents like that all along the way the past few years. Yet I never took the bait and even told her I will never give her another reason to call into question my good nature.

Ooof, and that first one you got embroiled with... .holy crud! Just thinking about being in that scenario made me woozy.

J

[FindingMe2011]

I’ll readily admit that I don’t like the person that I’ve allowed myself to become. That needs to change. Thanks for your insight. It helps.

This is not good, and the crux of your issues. Self esteem... .Learn to truly love yourself. YOU DESERVE THIS... understand how you got there, you had plenty of help, and are NOT 100% of the blame... .Embrace things how they are... .why? b/c it is, what it is... .doesnt mean you like it, but it should give you better insight, to navigate... .I wish you well,PEACE