Sister with BPD needs a "break" from the family

[LeneLu]

I have been "standing up" to my sister via emails since a final outburst from her 6 months ago.  I continue to focus on my one need... ."for you to please find a different way of expressing your anger to me." Her last message to me pulled in issues from years ago, illogical arguments, vulgarities, more blame and threats to triangulate.  48 hours later, she sent a message to my parents (not me or my brother), saying that she needed to take a break from the family.  Has anyone had experience with this type of pattern?  What was the outcome?

TIA,
Kathleenlou

[ninjacat]

I've had this happen with my BPDm several times... .in her case, this was just a switch of tactics.  If aggressive outbursts didn't help her get her way, she'd eventually try a different method- sometimes this was giving everyone the silent treatment or disconnecting from everyone around her... .the purpose was punishing us and her goal was to make us come crawling back to her.  Think, "you'll miss me when I'm gone!"  For my mother, breaking contact never lasted long.  Usually, someone would reach out to her due to FOG... .if this didn't happen as quickly as she'd like, she'd either:

1. have (invent) some kind of emergency to rally everyone back to her
2. wait for someone reach out to her for a family/holiday event 
3. reach back out within a week or two, pretending that nothing had happened
4. reach back out within a week or two, asking for an apology

In any case, she always seemed to demonstrate that she had "won" in some way or another.  For us, at best, contact was restored without more drama or, at worst, this tactic would work with most people but those not allowing her to slink back in gracefully/rush to her side would be painted black and become the new object of her rage.

I wish I had a more positive experience to share.

[CollectedChaos]

I'd like to echo what ninjacat stated.  My uBPDm would also use this tactic, as a confusing and frustrating method of attempting to pull us back to her instead of away.  When her crazy outbursts didn't get her what she wanted, she would then move on to the silent treatment.  She would go on about how she's "living her own life now" and she doesn't need us, and doesn't care what we think... .blah, blah, blah.  What I've learned through T is that it's a way to get others to show her that they want to be in her life and "beg" her to not ignore them, essentially.  Goes back to that feeling of abandonment that BPDs often feel - they need people to reassure them that they are still around and haven't abandoned them.  If she ignores us and we beg for interaction, that is reassurance to her that things are "okay."  They go to great lengths to get that reassurance.  With my mom, it doesn't seem like it matters if the interactions are positive or negative - as long as there is interaction, that's enough for her to feel safe.  It's sad, really, but very frustrating to be on this end of it.  Like ninjacat's mom, if we didn't give in to the silent treatment game (or didn't give in quickly enough), my mom also pretty much always did one of those 4 things, all of them equally baffling.

Wish I could give you some solid advice... .unfortunately the only thing that has kept be out of this endless drama cycle is going NC.  Hang in there, you're not alone!

[Deb]

My sister dBPD would get angry about something, real or imagines. Usually imagined. Then, to justify her anger, she would remember something that happened years before. And she would give us the Silent Treatment. What she wanted was for us to beg her to forgive us for whatever it was. And sometimes we would. Other times, she would come around and act as if nothing had happened. The last time she did that to me, I just didn't ask her back in my life. I didn't beg her. Nothing. I just decided enough was enough. I never expected her to come and ask for forgiveness, to apologize or whatever because she will NEVER do that. The few times she did, she turned around with the nastiest attacks ever. It's been almost 20 years . She did send her flying monkeys to try and get me to apologize to her but since I had done nothing to her, there was none to give. She now still tells people what a horrible person I am, but I don't respond to people hen they bring her up. This was my choice to protect my mental health.

[Mariez]

1. have (invent) some kind of emergency to rally everyone back to her
2. wait for someone reach out to her for a family/holiday event 
3. reach back out within a week or two, pretending that nothing had happened
4. reach back out within a week or two, asking for an apology

In any case, she always seemed to demonstrate that she had "won" in some way or another.  For us, at best, contact was restored without more drama or, at worst, this tactic would work with most people but those not allowing her to slink back in gracefully/rush to her side would be painted black and become the new object of her rage.

WOW... .this.  I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my mother.  This describes how they work to a T. 

[LeneLu]

I have gone NC with my uBPD sister.  And it sounds like many other of you have for many years, leading me to believe that it doesn't really help the BPD because it has no impact on them.  They don't ever come round.  I understand that NC is for the nBPD, but what hope do I have of this ever being better with that tactic?

[RDMaggie]

I have gone NC with my uBPD sister.  And it sounds like many other of you have for many years, leading me to believe that it doesn't really help the BPD because it has no impact on them.  They don't ever come round.  I understand that NC is for the nBPD, but what hope do I have of this ever being better with that tactic?

Hi there!

As you stated NC really is for the benefit of the nBPD, we cannot control BPD folks behavior, it's up to them to take the initiative. What you can do is put up boundaries and draw what you consider hardlines and then stick with them or follow through. Rather than saying "I wish you would find another way to express your anger" try wording it a little more assertively, like "I will not engage with you when you speak to me like this. This is unacceptable." If she doesn't listen and continues her assault, hang up, leave, remove yourself from the situation. It's easy to get wrapped up in the drama especially when a BPD knows your triggers and is deliberately trying to provoke you, but if you can find the strength to calmly disengage when things get out of hand it can have a profound effect.