uBPDsd7 how to cope?

[BonusMom]

My SD7 exhibits many BPD traits just like her bio mom. Lately, she's been going into intense rages at the flip of a switch, just like her mom. Her mom refuses therapy for my SD's, and in our state, she has to agree beforehand. I'm frightened about the future for SD7 and all of us if nothing changes. (I've seen something similar play out with my young adult dBPD niece.) I've told my SO how concerned I am, and he is, too. He feels like he doesn't know how to help SD7, as hard as he tries. I've expressed my opinion about how this is where professional help comes into play, and this issue is worth the fight for a court order. However, his ex makes way more money than he does, so I think that's one major reason he's afraid to take legal actions. She's very high-conflict and would likely make everything a HUGE battle.

Anyway, what do you do to maintain your own peace and sanity when your SD is raging at your SO? The energy she brings to our house feels downright toxic and overwhelming. I feel like there's only so much I can do since she's not my daughter. And how do you support him?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi BonusMom

Its great you have caught this at age 7, if I'm reading correctly!  Even if your SO's ex will not agree to therapy, I think there is a lot you can do in your family setting using the tools here and in other books and videos about the subject.  I would start by practicing the skills, probably starting with SET for the rages, and see if you can improve her behavior gradually while she is with you.  Establishing patterns now that she cannot succeed in controlling you, combined with strong validation, I think will be a really positive influence in her life.

Please post and let us know if you think these tools are helpful, I also look in addition for books and videos by Marsha Lineham.  Would love to hear how you are getting on!