Feeling lonely again.

[Shedd]

Hi guys.  

So before I met my ex I was a really happy person.  Always looking with my glass completely full even though I've had a lot of issues in my life.  

While I have learned a great deal about myself from my ex (which I am greatful for).  I have also come to find that I am no longer the passionate person I used to be about being in a relationship. After m a n y failed attempts at trying to be with another since my ex I have just been left feeling empty. I never really clicked with anyone because any red flag I saw. I ran. I don't feel like I have chemistry with anyone. I mean, needless to say I haven't been trying that hard to look nor have I had a great living/work situation to be able to date, but that's how I feel.

I feel as though there's a whole in my heart that will never be filled because she took it all.  I gave all my love, and all my devotion to someone who just threw it back in my face.  

I've gotten better with my attitude around people.  I used to snap at people when they didn't deserve it and get in fights more easily.  Lately, I've just been numb so I've been able to control that desire to lash out.  Plus I'm like 98% over my ex now.  I would never want to go back to that.  I often think about it, and I think it's just more the longing of what we had in the beginning.  I could never let myself go through that again.  

I feel like I want people's attention so badly, but I never get it so I just shut down. That's something she did to me.  When I wanted her attention the most she would leave or block me on social media, or her phone, but when she needed me you're darn right I had to be at her beckon call in an instant.  I would do that for her, but even then I don't think she liked that I catered to her every need. lmao talk about a mind F***.

I just am having this overwhelming sense of emptiness.  

[Mutt]

Hi Shedd,

You’ll find someone that will love you for you. I wonder if you’re hyper vigilant when you spot red flags? Do you give people ample chance and let them into your world?

[FindingMe2011]

So before I met my ex I was a really happy person.  Always looking with my glass completely full even though I've had a lot of issues in my life. 

You use the term "had", as if you have resolved your life issues... .You refer to being happy before ex ?... .she doesnt determine your happiness, unless you give her this power, right?... .So is she 100% of blame for r/s?  Maybe 50 % is more appropriate ? It is your past issues, that landed you with pwBPD... .And yes BPD helped rip the band aids, you spent a lifetime placing, over your trauma... .work on your shortcomings... .this is where the true healing is... .

While I have learned a great deal about myself from my ex (which I am greatful for).  I have also come to find that I am no longer the passionate person I used to be about being in a relationship 

it appears that at least some of what your reading, is attempting to sink in... .(should shed a little light on how we lie to ourselves, and how, true change, is tough)... .when this new info, which is undeniable, is digested, it spurs a little mental growth... .Now the fantasy, is harder to go along with... .For BPD, its business as usual... .wash, rinse, repeat... .the illness is winning

After m a n y failed attempts at trying to be with another since my ex I have just been left feeling empty. I never really clicked with anyone because any red flag I saw. I ran. I don't feel like I have chemistry with anyone. I mean, needless to say I haven't been trying that hard to look nor have I had a great living/work situation to be able to date, but that's how I feel

somewhat contradicting... .is it many attempts, or havent been trying? regardless, listen to your self... .its not ready... .its an attempt to fill a void, with just anyone, not really fair to the other, and along the same lines, as BPD... .the more distractions you put in front of yourself... .the less you will be able to help yourself... .but this is what you have spent a lifetime doing... .putting others in front of yourself

I feel as though there's a whole in my heart that will never be filled because she took it all.  I gave all my love, and all my devotion to someone who just threw it back in my face.   

BPD says the same about you... .Doesnt make either one RIGHT... .just different... .can u accept this?

Plus I'm like 98% over my ex now.  I would never want to go back to that.

Your own words dont say this? You are making great strides, but understand u spent a lifetime getting here, and although the pain is great, there is no magic pill, it takes hard work, probably work that you can never imagine... .In the end, it was the greatest accomplishment of my life... .Its a process that doesnt need a time table... .Your expecting too much, and most likely setting yourself up, for disappointment

I feel like I want people's attention so badly, but I never get it so I just shut down. That's something she did to me

Pawning this off on her, will not serve you well... .Others dont have the power to make u feel a certain way, if your healthy... .Asking BPD to be emotionally responsible for you, will result in tragedy, EVERYTIME

When I wanted her attention the most she would leave or block me on social media, or her phone, but when she needed me you're darn right I had to be at her beckon call in an instant.  I would do that for her, but even then I don't think she liked that I catered to her every need. lmao talk about a mind F***.

Whether u realize it, or not, this is how the r/s, has ALWAYS been, a push and pull classic... .So at some point (b/c its humanly unsustainable) when you were no longer able to be emotionally responsible. You demanded change... .Can u see how BPD, might just say the same for you?

I just am having this overwhelming sense of emptiness. 

This hole needs to be filled by you, not just somebody, or a deja vu moment awaits... .Myself and others understand your pain,, your on the right path, I wish u well PEACE

[ColdSummer]

Hey Shedd,

I hear you mate. It's a legitimate trauma, falling in love with someone that completely, only to realise slowly that something was terribly wrong.

You refer to having issues before the relationship - you were happy despite them, I totally get it, but perhaps the issues were dormant, and you had some defenses up that aren't there now? There were things you needed to sort through, but didn't fully realise (you also mentioned having learned a lot about yourself in the relationship)?

For me, and I gather most people here, the beginning was largely so wonderful because your partner made you feel okay about having this shadowy part of yourself, they totally accepted you and made you feel so completely loved. But after a time, she began to rage at you and belittle you for these same issues. It's a huge betrayal (even if not intended). It feels like actual hell.

Worse, in the aftermath, it's so hard to find a way to trust yourself again, let alone another person.

But we are still living, so we need to figure out a way to cope that will suit us better than feeling empty for the decades we have left.

I think that comes with understanding that your ex-partner was right the first time. Those parts of yourself that lay deep and you didn't like, they are okay. She can't tell you that anymore, and maybe no one else will in quite the all-encompassing way she did (although hopefully someone will). But moving on and being that really happy person again will look like you loving those parts of yourself the same way she did. So when you do fall in love again, being vulnerable won't be so scary. Nor will other people's red flags - because if those flags are indicative of something deeper and hurtful, unlike last time, you'll be able to see them and walk away unharmed.