Absolutely gobsmacked

[Depression = 72% of members]

As you all may know, my ex uBPD, came back on Saturday, after 8 weeks of no contact, after she changed her number.
Her initial message, was about how her daughter had secured a place at uni, it was my loss, and not to respond. We have had 4 days of the usual circular arguments, where she would give no reason as to why she broke contact. During the course of the 'conversation' she accused me, of stalking, and being unable to stay away, I did mention, that it was her that broke contact with the message about her daughter, she asked what I was going on about, so I sent her the message.
She went berserk, and denied she sent it, and that somehow, I had managed to send it myself, and how dare I bring her daughters name, into the conversation.
I was gobsmacked when she came back, but that just left me speechless. I have ceased all contact, and will change my number again. How can you get your head around such blatant lies.
Now I Know, i am truly dealing with a maniac.

[Pencil sketch]

As you all may know, my ex uBPD, came back on Saturday, after 8 weeks of no contact, after she changed her number.
Her initial message, was about how her daughter had secured a place at uni, it was my loss, and not to respond. We have had 4 days of the usual circular arguments, where she would give no reason as to why she broke contact. During the course of the 'conversation' she accused me, of stalking, and being unable to stay away, I did mention, that it was her that broke contact with the message about her daughter, she asked what I was going on about, so I sent her the message.
She went berserk, and denied she sent it, and that somehow, I had managed to send it myself, and how dare I bring her daughters name, into the conversation.
I was gobsmacked when she came back, but that just left me speechless. I have ceased all contact, and will change my number again. How can you get your head around such blatant lies.
Now I Know, i am truly dealing with a maniac.

[Pencil sketch]

I advise, any of you out there, who want to reconnect with your partners, or want them to reach out, stop.
It really isn't worth it, you are just left, feeling more confused than before, my anxiety has returned, and I am a nervous wreck, every time my phone goes off, I panic, even though I know, she can't get in touch.
As it's been mentioned, we have to condition ourselves, and create a feeling of indifference, she was wrong to reestablish communication, but I have to look at why I allowed her to manipulate me again.
This really is about us.
We are the focus.

[Mutt]

Hi Pencil sketch,

I have several years of emails that are just like you described with going back and forth. Your post makes me remember of the anxiety and walking on eggshells feelings. My ex was a SAHM and sometimes we’d fight through email I didn’t want to return home after work. It felt like I was going to step in a landline when I stepped foot inside the door.

We have an entire article on JADE and i agree with you it’s not worth it. Since I stopped JADE’ing I don’t have those negative feelings associated with it. Dont Justify Argue Defend Explain. You should see the messages I send to her today I honoré 90% of them and when I respond I respond back with one or two lines and I don’t repeat myself I say things once.

If my ex thinks that the sky is green I used to JADE and try to explain to her that it’s a fact that the sky is blue. She’s entitled to her reality is as real to her as my reality is to me. I won’t be able to convince her otherwise BPD is a serious mental illness I accept that it’s the nature of the disorder. Here’s a link to JADE.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks mutt, i will have a look. I lost my ___ with her, the frustration was just overwhelming, and I wish I knew about jade.
I feel, this is it, and there is no 'glimmer' of hope that she will reach out. It really is like facing insanity, and I never want to go there again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Slowly, my heart is catching up with my head, it's figured out it needs to protect itself.
I was always afraid of her telling me, she doesn't love me anymore, but when I asked her, and she said she didn't, I felt relief, tinged with a little sadness, perhaps it's what I needed to hear.

[Mutt]

I think that you’ll hear from her again because if you argue like that it telegraphs that you’re emotionally attached. Work on detaching and now is a good time to stop JADE’ing.

It’s OK to get frustrated, I got frustrated too at my ex what I have that she doesn’t have is impulse control, emotional self regulation and the ability to change if I put my mind to it.

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks again mutt, unfortunately, I didn't display any of those qualities, and unleashed my frustration, naturally, she called me this crazy one, and for a split second, I really thought I was.
I can't let this stop my recovery, and remember, the true sign of madness, is repeating the same process, and hope it will get better.

[SlyQQ]

You were right the first time pencil just forget about it

[Harley Quinn]

It's good to have these experiences as they hold lessons for us.  It sounds like you've come to realise that allowing yourself to get drawn in wasn't good for you and this is a positive you can take forwards.  Also, Mutt gives good advice on JADEing.  Boy do I wish I'd learned that one a lot sooner within my r/s!  A lot of stress could have been saved for myself.  So I'd suggest that these things are sent to try us and learn from them we must in order to break the cycles.  

Don't beat yourself up for your response to her.  As Mutt says, the frustrations you feel are natural and OK to have.  What we can gain from such an experience is an awareness of how to manage those types of frustrations more effectively for ourselves and that is a bonus.  :)ust yourself off and tuck it under your belt.  What we learn now can be helpful to us in the future.  You're far less likely to do the same thing if this happens again, so it's just part of the process.

Love and light x

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks, and I am looking on it as a new experience. It's also made me realise, she hasn't changed, and has no intention to, I recognise my part in this, and want to make those changes, not just where she is concerend, but also for my own personal growth.
I am glimpsing how recovery and peace is obtained, the scales are slowly starting to tip in my favour.
It was 3 days of relentless abuse, deflecting, denial, and lies.
I am not going to put myself in the firing line again.
This site, really has saved me, we don't always hear what we want to hear, but not all medicine tastes good.

[Pencil sketch]

Just another question, it has been puzzling Me.
Each and every time this happens, she comes back, but will then accuse me of not being able to stay away, I just found that very confusing.

[SummerStorm]

Just another question, it has been puzzling Me.
Each and every time this happens, she comes back, but will then accuse me of not being able to stay away, I just found that very confusing.

To me, this sounds like projection. 

[donkey2016]

Hello,

Yes, it seems impossible to have any normal "ex-relationship" with a BPD person. It makes it very difficult if you have any practical things to deal with and it must be really difficult for those who have children with a BPD person. I feel still controlled by my ex boyfriend (who I suspect has BPD) even though we hardly have contact. I 'm starting to accept to be completely non-contact with him. I didn't block him on the phone - no point of doing that since he masks his number or calls form another phone. I just got used to not picking up when it's an unknown caller id.

Yesterday he called me 6 times in a row with that unknown caller id. Finally I picked up - I thought it might be him but thought after 2 weeks of no contact it might be someone else and urgent. It was him and he wanted to talk about something he had that I thought I wanted to have. Suddenly so urgent. I told him I didn't have time to talk and hung up. Then I got this very nasty text message from him. Feeling sad and down - didn't even realize until now how much this kind of abuse affects me. I'm considering now to change my phone number.

The advice not to JADE is very good. I also remember that  someone posted about a special technic to communicate which is without emotion and engagement - don't remember now what it was called. Just not to give them anything to discuss further. It might have been Harley Quinn who posted that.

donkey2016

[FindingMe2011]

Thanks, and I am looking on it as a new experience. It's also made me realise, she hasn't changed, and has no intention to, I recognise my part in this, and want to make those changes, not just where she is concerend, but also for my own personal growth.

Lessons has a topic of the 10 myths... .Probably had to read these a million times, before it sunk in... .call me hard headed... .when we finally start to see our part, and seek personal growth, without judgement, its where the true healing begins  

Just another question, it has been puzzling Me.
Each and every time this happens, she comes back, but will then accuse me of not being able to stay away, I just found that very confusing.

Makes complete sense... .2 hurt individuals... .JADE ing each other... .Hanging on words, instead of believing actions, can take its toll... .and keeps the dysfunction, moving right along... .the only way off, is, as the victim ... .I wish u well, PEACE

[Harley Quinn]

  donkey2016, could it have been BIFF? (Brief, informative, friendly, firm).  There's more on this Here.  It's particularly good for those who must maintain some level of communication with their ex partner due to having children or financial ties, for example.  I've used it as a way to set a boundary on myself regards communication with my ex partner who is the father of my son.  He has many traits of NPD.  It helps me to prevent myself from being drawn into conversations that don't serve me.

Love and light x

[donkey2016]

Thanks Harley Quinn, yes, that's what I meant BIFF. I found that really useful. Not sure though how you can answer in a BIFF way to abusive emails. Maybe better just to ignore if you don't have children together. Or try to ignore... I got another one of those yesterday. Feeling down and also scared.
donkey2016