Dealing with my Daughter-in-law w/BPD

[Elielou]

Hello,
I've never been part of an online group, so this is new for me.  My daughter-in-law was diagnosed with Bi polar in her college years.  She has been married to my son who is in the Coast Guard and is away at sea for 9 months out of the year (3 months out, 3 months home) for six years.  She has a daughter (six years old) from a previous relationship.  My DIL began a relationship with my son while she was pregnant, and he was with her for the birth of her child and has been ever since.  They married when her daughter was 2.  My son maintains a very close and loving relationship with his step-daughter.  He considers her his daughter. I have loved her from the start!  She is my granddaughter, and she is precious beyond words!  The biological father is involved less so but does have visitation though he lives in another state.  Over the years this has required my gd to travel great distances for extended stays with him.  She resisted at first but seems to have adjusted to the schedule.  She sees him roughly a total of 4 months out of the year.  Her biological father loves her and cares for her as best he can with the help of his parents.

My daughter-in-law is very good about staying on her medications and works with a Psychiatrist to make sure that her meds are updated if needed.  I've read many of the posts here and consider myself lucky that overall I have a good relationship with my DIL (though I feel at times I walk on eggshells).  I live in PA, and they live in VA.  We speak often on the phone, and I visit when I can.  They visit me here for holidays and occasional long weekends.  The issues I'm concerned about would take much space and time to list here, so I'm going to start with some questions:
Is it a common trait for those diagnosed with BPD (and on meds) to be very bad (VERY BAD) at housekeeping and to neglect their own personal hygiene?
Is it common for those diagnosed with BPD (and on meds) to tell stories, embellish facts and most always have a generally negative outlook on life and situations?
Is it common that they thrive on conflict and drama?
How do I approach her?  Do I take her to task for the stories and untruths?  Do I confront her when I see behaviors or attitudes that are unhealthy?
I have spoken out many times about issues that concern me, and she is always agreeable... .however, nothing ever changes.  My son has a seemingly good relationship with her, but it has only gotten better since he is deployed for several months out of the year.
Thank you for any input!  I've just now started to investigate this disorder and want to do everything I can to maintain a loving, healthy relationship with my DIL.

[Turkish]

Hello Elielou,

Bi-Polar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder are two different things.  What's confusing is that a patient may have both,  or BPD may be misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar.

DIFFERENCES|COMORBIDITY: Borderline PD and BiPolar Disorder

Depression is also a common co-morbid Dx on which patients are medicated.

That being said,  we can support you here,  regardless of the Dx.

Meds can help regulate mood swings, but they typically won't alter personalities. Does her hygiene endanger your gd? This trait,  while it might be bothersome, may be something beyond which you can change. In know it was with my mother.  She sees things as she sees them.

That you said your r/s got better once your son deployed is interesting. Does she rage or have innapropriate anger issues?

T

[Notwendy]

Bi polar and BPD can co-exist, and also have overlapping behaviors so the tools on this board can be helpful to you.

To try to answer your questions, first, you are very fortunate to have a good relationship with your DIL and be close to your grandchild. PwBPD are very sensitive to criticism, or even perceived criticism. One of the concerns of people here who are connected to someone with BPD is to not walk on eggshells or tolerate being treated poorly in a situation where confrontation can result in drama. It isn't that we should not address things but how to do it and what to confront.

I can try to answer your questions from personal experience with a BPD mother.

If your DIL has behaviors that do not affect you, I personally would not confront her. Poor hygiene isn't pleasant but it is her body and her clothing. I don't think that is a common behavior with BPD, but it is with depression. If there are financial issues someone may not be able to afford hygiene products, laundry, or clothing. It might also be a result of her medicine making her feel sluggish or drowsy.

There could be some childhood issues affecting housekeeping. My mother is very invested in her appearance and the appearance of her home, so hygiene is not an issue. In fact, it is the opposite. She would be extremely angry if we tossed a towel on the floor or left a toy out. My own hygiene is good, but my house is more "lived in" than hers. I just didn't want to have rules like that in mine.

Yes to your second question- embellishing stories, taking a victim perspective. I think that is part of the disorder and don't think I can really accomplish anything by confronting.

Yes to conflict and drama. I try not to participate.

IMHO- I think you are in a very good place with her right now, and so long as she isn't being abusive to you. Consider not confronting her about her behaviors. It is great that she is under medical care and compliant with her medicine. This may be the best she can do at the moment. You don't want her to feel embarrassed or not up to your standards.

With your son gone a lot, she is basically a single mother in her day to day life and this can be stressful for any mother, and she has a mental illness on top of that. Maybe she is too tired to take a shower or clean the home sometimes, but if she loves her daughter and cares for her, then she makes that a priority. She may also be sad and lonely when she misses your son. Without confronting her, perhaps you can be of support in other ways- when they visit, do the grandchild's laundry ( if your DIL is OK with that), send them home with some frozen home cooked meals for later, and while this may be too personal but maybe not- an girls outing for haircuts/manicures for all three of you might help with the hygiene and also be a fun outing.

[Elielou]

Ok, I'm trying to navigate this message system and would like to reply to the two very helpful posts I received in response to my original message. Thank you Wendy and Turkish!

I'm not sure if my DIL was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD... .right?) but definitely Bi Polar.  My sister who is a therapist and has known my DIL since she came into our family suspects BPD too.

I'll give you the latest example of how her illness has affected my life.  While my son is deployed, her symptoms tend to escalate.  She has been hospitalized twice in the last 12 months because of "breakdowns" while he is away.  The first episode occurred after her medications were slightly changed as she was introducing hormone treatment while working with a fertility Dr.  (She wants desperately to get pregnant again).  This required my son to fly home from Panama to be with her... .this has been the only incident where my son left his ship to be with her during her breakdown.  She has great support from her parents who live a state away and are always willing to travel to be with her during her difficult times.  If her medications are "off" in any way, she becomes depressed and delusional. (hearing voices).  Once her meds are adjusted, she is much better.  Though I've observed her sluggish and emotionless while the medicine and proper dosage/combination is beginning to work.  I've urged her not to mess with meds anytime my son is away, yet she has repeatedly done this. For this last deployment, I thought it would be a good idea to plan a vacation with my DIL, my gd and some of my family to give her something positive and fun to look forward to during the time that my son is away.  I booked the flights well in advance and booked the accommodations, and we all were looking forward to it. About a month ago she started to report that her work was giving her a hard time about taking vacation days now that they had snow in VA, and she had to take more time off to care for my gd while her school was closed.  The other day she called to tell me a truancy officer made a home inspection because of reports from the school that my gd had missed 5 days already this year, so now she says if my gd takes anymore time off, she will be fined and taken to court (I question some of this information but remained calm and supportive on the phone).  There goes the trip for her and my gd, and this was completely preventable!  I worry that my DIL isolates herself and has not established a support network in her community.  She has ONE friend that I'm aware of... .a friend from work.  She has a good job but says she is always on the verge of being fired because of time taken off.  During one of the snow days, she called my ex (who also lives in another state) to ask him to drive 7 hours to watch his gd so she could go to work.  My ex has a much more flexible work schedule than I do, and my DIL knows he adores his gd... .though he has never warmed up to my/his DIL and they have had a few conflicts... .nothing too serious. 
Regarding the cancelled trip, I was going to sit down and write a letter to my DIL putting all my thoughts out there about this and other issues that arise particularly while my son is away.  I then thought I would reach out to my son, but there is not a thing he can do while serving on the ship, and I don't want to burden him with this just now.  I did not write the letter to her but posted here instead.  I'm torn about confronting her about anything as I worry she will have a breakdown.  You say her personality can not change.  But, can people with Bipolar/BPD learn better coping skills if they make the effort?  Do they even recognize that they need to make changes for themselves?  How can I help her without seeming to criticize?  The sad thing is, increasingly I am finding it hard to like her and to find any positive aspect of her personality.  I feel terrible, guilty and sad to say that.

[Elielou]

And I want to mention too that while my son and DIL are not wealthy, they have sufficient money to buy hygiene products/cleaning products.  Interestingly, they have a wide variety of cleaning products and equipment in their home, but never seem to use them.  My son shares the blame for this, and I have confronted him many times about the dirty house, piled up laundry etc.  He resists talking about it with me and basically suggests I mind my own business. Neither he or my DIL were raised like this, so I'm completely puzzled by how they live.  I suspect he has learned to "choose his battles" wisely with his wife.  My son is very immaculate in his dress for work and his own personal hygiene.

[Notwendy]

Hi Ellielou-

I am going to say this in the kindest way- say this because I wish someone had said this to me when I got concerned about my father's well being ( he was ill )and didn't think my mother was caring for him the way I thought she should be caring for him: Back off- or risk losing the relationship you have with your DIL, and then that will include your son and gd.

You are in a good place right now. But if you get into her issues- on hygiene, on how she takes her medication, and how her behavior affects your life, you are IMHO taking a risk- because it is her body, her healthy and it seems your son has chosen her- and knows about her issues and he chooses her anyway- the way she is. If it bothers him, it is his problem to deal with.

She may have poor hygiene, but your son chose to make a baby with her so he must not mind it that much.

Your son went along with fertility treatments- he is committed to her, wants to build a family with her and he must love her- hygiene or not.

Her issues affected your life as one missed vacation- which probably cost some money and was stressful, but your well being does not depend on her taking a vacation with you. If her actions were in some way a threat to your health, or safety, by all means, take action, but this missed vacation will inconveniencing you, did not cause you serious harm.

Yes, your gd missed out, but she isn't harmed by missing a vacation. She also isn't harmed by dirty clothing or not taking a bath. I agree it is yukky, I take a shower daily and do my laundry, but people vary in their tolerance for feeling dirty.

It is sad that DIL isolates herself and doesn't have many friends, but her social life is her social life. To be honest, it was not easy for me to get out and do many fun things with friends when my children were little. They kept me busy. Your DIL is single parenting all by herself- yes she has a husband but he isn't there to help her. She may not have the energy to socialize.

IMHO do not write that letter. Your feelings about the trip are not forever- you can feel angry and then forgive or make up but someone with BPD may not. The letter is forever. My BPD mother has kept every letter I wrote my parents  ( in college- no e mail then) and also every e mail I sent my father. If you can imagine- I am middle age now and she takes them out to remind me about the typical college angst I had as if they are happening today. An email I wrote my father upset about something was put away in a file, and taken out as proof that I was somehow a terrible daughter. My BPD mother catalogs memories back to the time I threw up as a toddler ( on purpose as she puts it) or would not share a toy with my sibling ( as evidence of what an terrible child I was). The trip was an inconvenience, but a letter will make it a permanent object that will serve to confirm her feelings if she gets upset over it.

Can people with Bipolar/BPD learn better coping skills if they make the effort?  Yes but likely only if they choose to seek out professional help to do so.


Do they even recognize that they need to make changes for themselves?  It depends, sometimes yes, sometimes no, and they may or may not be capable of that.

How can I help her without seeming to criticize?  You can assist her if she asks you to, but too much advice or intervening can feel invalidating to her.

The sad thing is, increasingly I am finding it hard to like her and to find any positive aspect of her personality.
It is good that you recognize your feelings. You may not like her, but she is married to your son and is the mother of you gd- is there a way you can still be in their lives without feeling resentful?

  I feel terrible, guilty and sad to say that. It is sad. I am not comfortable spending a lot of time with my mother, but she was connected to my father and I loved him. I didn't want to be a doormat or enabler, but I also didn't know the skills on this board about how to navigate a relationship with her and with him. I don't regret standing up for myself, but there were ways I could have done it better. I try to learn ways to maintain a relationship with her that is both respectful and with emotional boundaries




I think it is great you are posting. There is a lot of wisdom on this board. Your post is great- even though it generated a "don't do that" reply from me.

If you read the posts from mothers with BPD DIL, the separation usually began with the mother speaking up and the DIL getting angry. It cost them their relationship with their sons and grandchildren. So- the fact that you still have one is a very good place to start learning the tools for maintaining that relationship.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Ellielou

I agree wholeheartedly with Notwendy, you could run the risk of alienating your family if you aren’t able to accept their choices.

My daughter tolerated a lot from her MIL but the final straw came when my daughter was expecting their second child. It was at the birthday party of my (and hers) grandson’s first birthday. First grandchild for both of us too. She passed a terrible comment about my daughter as she was leaving because she and FIL hadn’t liked the way the party was held.

Instead of letting the dust settle, they proceeded to send vicious emails to both me and my SIL, stating amongst other things, that they had never liked my daughter.

The outcome of that was that SIL (her son) went n/c with both of them. They have never seen their second grandchild. This was nearly nine years ago. IMO that is a hefty price to pay, and for what?

Do you feel that you could take on board learning new skills to help you to communicate better with your DIL to improve your relationship with her?

[Notwendy]

Me too. Being critical of BPD mom resulted in her painting me black to my father. She took victim perspective and insisted he take "her side". The cost was my relationship with my father, a hefty price to pay for expressing concern. I know you mean well - so did I . Your concerns are valid and mine were too. Unfortunately  well meaning attempts can result in things like this. When I share my experience it is I hope that others navigate this without these consequences.

[Elielou]

Thank you, Notwendy and feelingbetter!
I will take your advice and not send the letter to either my DIL or my son.  Your comment "a letter will make it a permanent object that will serve to confirm her feelings if she gets upset over it." gave me pause.  I assure you, if she can find a way to become upset about something, she will.  I commend my son for the way he is committed to her and my gd, and I must follow his lead and always try to approach her with an attitude of love, care and some understanding. I am absolutely willing to learn everything about this illness so I can improve how I communicate with her... .and respond to her.  This is my start.
It sounds like you both have been through so much heartache, yet you speak of this illness with much kindness and wisdom.  THANK YOU!

[Feeling Better]

Ellielou

I am so touched by your reply.

quote
I commend my son for the way he is committed to her and my gd, and I must follow his lead and always try to approach her with an attitude of love, care and some understanding. I am absolutely willing to learn everything about this illness so I can improve how I communicate with her... .and respond to her.  This is my start.

I am so happy for you that you have responded in such a positive way, only good can come from it.

Keep posting along your journey and remember that we are all here to help and support you. You might also like to look in on the ‘Son or Daughter with BPD’ board and pick up some insight there.

To new beginnings! x

[Notwendy]

Thanks for your kind words Ellilou-  I wish you all the best. You are welcome to post here with any questions along the way.