Heartbroken and in pain

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello
My daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD
she has been an extremely difficult person since starting college
and has been so disruptive whenever she is home
she is 20 years old almost 21
she has alienated her Father and her brother who is 14
She is so abusive toward me and I am so hurt
I tried to be the best most loving mom, I know I spoiled her, typical immigrant trying to give the first American child all the opportunities
I cannot believe I am in this place with her and it is dragging me down

[irishlg2000]

Hello
My daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD
she has been an extremely difficult person since starting college
and has been so disruptive whenever she is home
she is 20 years old almost 21
she has alienated her Father and her brother who is 14
She is so abusive toward me and I am so hurt
I tried to be the best most loving mom, I know I spoiled her, typical immigrant trying to give the first American child all the opportunities
I cannot believe I am in this place with her and it is dragging me down

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Irishlg2000

I’m glad you’ve found us. My DS got dx at 24 following a crisis in Cali - he’s got dual citizenship. It was devastating to him and he was extremely scared that there was never going to be any hope for him. I joined this forum and it literally changed my family. Like you, my husband and younger sibling were alienated and my own relationship with my DS was more than strained!  You’ll find very similar stories here.

Nearly three years forwards we are in a very different place now. I read up on BPD and learnt better ways of communicating. I used to have a lot to say and my DS just wouldn’t listen. We were in a whirlwind of reactions to each other and it was so difficult, exhausting and emotions ran high. I had to change my approach to break the cycle. It started here (top right hand side of this page).

I’m sorry you’re feeling very hurt by your daughters comments to you. It’s tough. Do you tend to use text or call ?  What’s going on with her ?

LP

[irishlg2000]

Gosh... .I am so grateful that you replied, anyone replying, I am trying to find out what is going on. I had a less than happy childhood, and I wanted to be sure my children never felt the way I had. I know I overcompensated. I love this kid and I am all that is left standing around her, but she is costing me so much in relationships, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I won't have the relationship I dreamed of my whole life, with my little girl, I am grieving that and trying to cope with the relationship I actually have, it is a minefield.
She just went back to school, she spends Xmas with me and we made it through, she was only home at school one week and attack, she has cut me off from all social media phone etc.
she will be 21 in March and I won't be able to share that.
How can I stay sane
My own PTSD makes it so much more painful as I wanted to be the mom I didn't have and I have failed
I read that BPD is caused by the childhood environment

[Huat]

Aw Irishlg2000, stop beating yourself up!  You need to be good to yourself!  You have done the best you could with your daughter, given the circumstances of your life, and you will continue to do so.  As you learn, you will do differently.  You are a Mom!

As for "BPD is caused by the childhood environment"... .yes we are all results of childhood environment but there is also the nature we were born with... .our own, unique set of genes.  When your daughter was born, she was not born with an empty slate that you alone could fashion into what you wanted as her future.  We are all a combination of nature/nuture and there are so many variables.  Some get the luck-of-the-draw... .others... .well... .(sigh!).

I, too, came from a dysfunctional family... .alcoholic (not abusive) father and a mother who walked away from the family when I was in my early teens.  I, too, know that I overcompensated with my children... .wanting to make sure their home life did not mimic mine.  With that said, my husband and I just celebrated 55 years of marriage.  We gave our children a stable, loving home.  They, indeed, were luckier than a lot of their friends.

So... .today we are in yet another period of n/c with our daughter and our precious, precious grandchildren (now 25/27) to whom we were surrogate parents because of all the drama surrounding their mother over the years.  Could I write volumes!

I have not been a single parent but it has been me, not her father, who has always been my daughter's target... .her scapegoat... .but... .the person she ran to when the chips were down.   I weathered through many years of heartache, self-pity - the pain so great at times that I contemplated suicide.  My mother ran away... .my daughter ran away.  What was so bad about me that that had to happen?  Yep, poor ME!

Well, Irishlg2000, thankfully the bottom I hit was not the bottom I have just written about.  At a really low point, a counsellor told me, "You are sh-- on your daughter's shoes!"   Harsh words to hear but words that needed saying. Today I admit to having a bit of a hole in my heart and there some stabs of pain.  I am a Mom!... .but I have learned to live MY life.  I have learned to "compartmentalize"... ."section off"... .enjoy the other different aspects of my life.  My daughter will always be in that separate, little compartment... .never forgotten and always love... .a work-in-progress. 

So... .a lot will boil down to attitude... .YOUR attitude... .shedding the role of victim and empowering yourself by doing your homework (so much info on this forum) on how to make changes.  Not an easy task for sure... .but can be done.  Remember, your daughter is capable of making choices... .and so are you.  Any change you make will certainly snap her to attention.

So good to have you here, Irishlg2000.   While we sometimes cry on each other's shoulders, we also learn to dry our tears and carry on... .to better days.  Hope you keep posting.

Huat   ; )