Grew up with narcissist mother—feel lonely, sad, and useless.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I am looking for community out there, somewhere. I am reading the Narcissist's Nightmare book and it extols the virtues of discussing our predicament. I have tried counseling, but have not found someone who understands this weird mindset that I have become due to... .a lifetime of a very difficult, selfish, covertly narcissistic mother, now team tagged by my attorney sister. Anyway, a couple of years ago I figured out how perfectly Mummy fit the covert narcissist description and everything fell into place. Even my engineer husband who rarely thinks of psychology saw it and was amazed! All this is good news essentially, the problem is I am lonely and blunted, sad and feel useless. The joy that I used to be is gone and I'm not sure where to get help. I am no longer myself.

[Georgesand]

Hi, I am looking for community out there, somewhere. I am reading the Narcissist's Nightmare book and it extols the virtues of discussing our predicament. I have tried counseling, but have not found someone who understands this weird mindset that I have become due to... .a lifetime of a very difficult, selfish, covertly narcissistic mother, now team tagged by my attorney sister. Anyway, a couple of years ago I figured out how perfectly Mummy fit the covert narcissist description and everything fell into place. Even my engineer husband who rarely thinks of psychology saw it and was amazed! All this is good news essentially, the problem is I am lonely and blunted, sad and feel useless. The joy that I used to be is gone and I'm not sure where to get help. I am no longer myself.

[Turkish]

Hi Georgesand,



What kinds of things are you dealing with regarding your mother and sister? How did the book describe your situation?

T

[HappyChappy]

Hey Georgesand,

I’m not surprised you feel deflated if you were brought up by a Narcassist. But the good news is realisation is the first step to your recovery. Knowledge is power. I found validation from this website helped me immensely.

My brother is a Covert Narcassist. The behaviour that helped me diagnose him, was that he would always give gifts that insulted people. Really cheap, second hand stuff that he knew you didn’t want.  So what behaviour do struggle most with ?
 

[strength_love]

I recommend the book Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T Behary. It helped me a lot in dealing with a NPD family member. I also seem to get a lot out of the Inner Integration YouTube channel, which deals with healing from narcissistic abuse.

Hang in there, it does get better!

[Georgesand]

Thank you for the supporting words. I am especially grateful for the reading recommendations. Also, thanks for asking more about my predicament. After my 2 kids were born I realized that I could never have treated my children the way I was treated. At that time, with 2 adorable babies, I was in her "good graces." So, I tried not to focus too much on things, but as the boys grew up and were no longer adorable, I was excluded from the family, spoken badly about, triangulated. She would call my husband, state that she and I were "not speaking" in order to get information about the boys. Little did I know that we were not speaking. She had just spent the previous evening dining with us-all very civilly. Cognitive Dissonance caused me to lie in bed, pulling my hair out trying to understand her. I began thinking too about my childhood. She was very, very withholding. At about 10, I disobeyed her and she punished me by literally ignoring me for a full 2 weeks, not looking at me when I spoke to her, not speaking a single word.  Thinking back on this was a strong clue that she was not a very good mother.  I knew that I could not ignore my child for longer than a few minutes.

I was never good enough, thin enough, smart enough. I was a ballerina and became an Ivy League grad and medical student, all, I'm afraid to please her. She did not support ballet. In fact she filled me with such self doubt that I self-sabotaged. Anyway, I have been low contact now for about 1 year. This has helped me, but I am very isolated. I work from home and only really see my kids and husband. I have joined a few meetups but they/I am not consistent enough to help heal what so many years have done. We had to see my mom and sister this Christmas. I handled it pretty well, so I guess that's progress. I kept it brief but when we announced that we had to get back my sister looked stunned. She followed up by mailing me 2 photos of my best friend  that she took when she went through all my belongings at my parents' house. It was a weird passive aggressive act that says "I control those things that you love." And she keeps sending me these weird greeting cards. I could go on forever about things and sometimes when they are written some may seem minor, but it is the sum of the incidents that create the damage.

Finally, the #Metoo movement brings up some very bad memories. When I was 14, spending the night at my best friend's house, her brother molested me while I slept. I was petrified with my legs glued together. After he left, his brother came in and did the same thing. I told my friend in the morning and she said "No way." I did not tell my mother. Years later I asked my mother if she ever thought anything bad happened to me at my friend's house and she said, well she had the idea that something must have but she didn't want to delve into it. Now that I have kids, I know when something has happened to them at school. It is inconceivable that she did not ask me to open up. But to do that would have made her look bad.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Georgesand,

I am so sorry you had to go through all that. The brother’s experience must have been terrifying, kinda suggest they also had personality disorders. I guess progress is you now at least understand all this was not you, it was their bad, their mental illnesses at play. Have you worked thought that experience yet ? You mentioned you struggled to find a Therapist that understood, I spoke with dozens on the phone before finding one that seems to understand. Ironically, she was not an expert in NPD, but just felt warm and like the mother I never had. Would it be worth having another search ?

My brother is a covert Narcissist, and he gets tremendously jealous, was your mother jealous? A covert narcissist tends to sabotage the lives of those that make them jealous.  It is well hidden, i.e. covert and their approach is subtle, as you have evidenced. For example the thing with taking the photos from your personal positions, spooky. The weird greeting cards, my bro was similar. He would give very cheap presents that you would never want, always ensuring the 10 pence price sticker was still on. At the time we though he was just being cheap, but having read up, this is a known covert narcissist thing, all designed to insult. Did your mother do something similar ?

As my bro targeted me, I have been NC for some time, he needs some personal information in order to work his many cons. He’s attempted to get me kicked out of my home and job on multiple times. I only twigged when I took an employer to court. The guy he conned resigned out of embarrassment.

Maybe we could set up a super secret, covert narcissist, resistance group ? You mentioned a few times about your mother getting information, if you limit the info she has, this would slow down the manipulation. So what aspect of your healing process do you want to focus on first ?