Just some words for those still hurting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just wanted to come by and give some leaning from my experience and hope its helps anyone who might be reading.

I remember my exBPD used to say " Everything happens for a reason" ," I'm very close to being perfect" and " I make the best decision for the best outcome". Most of the time she tooted her own horn and I admit, I also would give little ego boosters to her self esteem as well. I gave this person so much energy but paled in comparison to what I was receiving from her. I gave her power that she fed off of. I started believing that she could do no wrong. I was starting to believe she was perfect. I believed that she makes the best decisions and anything that she did was right. I apologized for things I knew were her fault but convinced myself I was the person who was at fault. How could I blame this perfect person who makes my life so happy?The trauma bond was intoxicating. When she discarded me for the person she was cheating on me with she said " Everything happens for a reason". I took this as my punishment for lashing out at her and telling her the truth about herself that I was holding back for so long. All of her projections, manipulations, lies and gas lighting had reached its boiling point in my head. Her job was done. She made want to abandon her and her pushing me away was all I could take. I had to leave. I took physical abuse and still wanted her back. The pain was unbearable. After getting myself back to being well I see everything in a different light with clear eyes.
Her statements have different meanings to me. "Everything happens for a reason"means exactly what it says. I have the power now and it means that it took this person with BPD to make me discover I had co dependency issues. Without going through this, I would have never gotten back my self esteem and worked on me. Just because things seem well, deep down inside we have issues that we all need to address. This encounter was meant to be teaching and growth lesson. Get your strength and become the stronger version of yourself.

She said " I'm close to being perfect". No one says these things to a partner. If my partner is " close " to being perfect, then what am I? A partnership is not one person being always right or the person who doesn't have faults. It is easy to blame someone else and put someone one down to make oneself look perfect. Having a blind eye to the mirror of reality is what this phrase means to me. Or having to look at a mirror with a mask on is always better than to take it off to see ones true self.

Last is " I make the best decision for the best outcome". The best outcome was achieved. I'm no longer with a person who I could be with naturally. I shouldn't have to compromise who I am to the point I feel drained. Compromise is a part of life but when it becomes damaging to yourself esteem it is time to step away. She needed someone who I couldn't be. I was the square peg trying to fit in the round hole. We are toxic for each other. No matter how many good times I had with the person, it can't erase how I felt when i was with them. The lows would have only gotten worse. I don't care if her new boyfriend lasts longer than I did. I don't care if she is the happiest she has ever been with her new interest. She deserves to be happy but so do I. I'm free and it feels natural. Having the ability to make your own self happy is one of the most underrated gifts you can give yourself. Other trivial things don't matter because the best outcome was made and my self esteem is back. Make yourself the priority.

Trust yourself. Trust the process of healing. Take your time. Never let someone script your happiness. You are the director of your well being.

[Cire155]

Just wanted to come by and give some leaning from my experience and hope its helps anyone who might be reading.

I remember my exBPD used to say " Everything happens for a reason" ," I'm very close to being perfect" and " I make the best decision for the best outcome". Most of the time she tooted her own horn and I admit, I also would give little ego boosters to her self esteem as well. I gave this person so much energy but paled in comparison to what I was receiving from her. I gave her power that she fed off of. I started believing that she could do no wrong. I was starting to believe she was perfect. I believed that she makes the best decisions and anything that she did was right. I apologized for things I knew were her fault but convinced myself I was the person who was at fault. How could I blame this perfect person who makes my life so happy?The trauma bond was intoxicating. When she discarded me for the person she was cheating on me with she said " Everything happens for a reason". I took this as my punishment for lashing out at her and telling her the truth about herself that I was holding back for so long. All of her projections, manipulations, lies and gas lighting had reached its boiling point in my head. Her job was done. She made want to abandon her and her pushing me away was all I could take. I had to leave. I took physical abuse and still wanted her back. The pain was unbearable. After getting myself back to being well I see everything in a different light with clear eyes.
Her statements have different meanings to me. "Everything happens for a reason"means exactly what it says. I have the power now and it means that it took this person with BPD to make me discover I had co dependency issues. Without going through this, I would have never gotten back my self esteem and worked on me. Just because things seem well, deep down inside we have issues that we all need to address. This encounter was meant to be teaching and growth lesson. Get your strength and become the stronger version of yourself.

She said " I'm close to being perfect". No one says these things to a partner. If my partner is " close " to being perfect, then what am I? A partnership is not one person being always right or the person who doesn't have faults. It is easy to blame someone else and put someone one down to make oneself look perfect. Having a blind eye to the mirror of reality is what this phrase means to me. Or having to look at a mirror with a mask on is always better than to take it off to see ones true self.

Last is " I make the best decision for the best outcome". The best outcome was achieved. I'm no longer with a person who I could be with naturally. I shouldn't have to compromise who I am to the point I feel drained. Compromise is a part of life but when it becomes damaging to yourself esteem it is time to step away. She needed someone who I couldn't be. I was the square peg trying to fit in the round hole. We are toxic for each other. No matter how many good times I had with the person, it can't erase how I felt when i was with them. The lows would have only gotten worse. I don't care if her new boyfriend lasts longer than I did. I don't care if she is the happiest she has ever been with her new interest. She deserves to be happy but so do I. I'm free and it feels natural. Having the ability to make your own self happy is one of the most underrated gifts you can give yourself. Other trivial things don't matter because the best outcome was made and my self esteem is back. Make yourself the priority.

Trust yourself. Trust the process of healing. Take your time. Never let someone script your happiness. You are the director of your well being.

[Skip]

You sound like you're making progress!  How long has it been now? 4 months?

The trauma bond was intoxicating.

What was the trauma bond about?

[Jeffree]

" Everything happens for a reason"


LOL! This was a biggie for my STBx. Granted, she used it as an emotional buffer to not take responsibility for her actions in the present, since those "reasons" can take quite a long time to realize, but it is a fairly reasonable saying when applied properly.

For instance, in and around the recent passing of my Dad, my STBx was offering me condolences that I did not accept from her due to her lousy attitude toward him after he had visited us some years ago. It was common for her to refer to him as an idiot to me, his son. Her offering condolences had become quite contentious, given that she was only doing it to prove to herself that she is the great person she has been trying to convince me of.

I wasn't buying it and made that abundantly clear. HOWEVER, what I did thank her for was being so crappy to me as to drive me out of the house on many a weekend and affording me the good luck of spending all that time with my dad that I wouldn't have spent with him if ours was a harmonious home.

Predictably her response was, "Everything happens for a reason."

I couldn't really take issue with that, because it was certainly one of the few silver linings of my marriage to her. Yet, once again, she preferred to not accept just how awful she was to me as to make leaving my own home and driving 3 hours away preferable to being anywhere near her.

J

[Cire155]

You sound like you're making progress!  How long has it been now? 4 months?

What was the trauma bond about?

Yes it has been 4 months. The trauma bond was the push pull relationship. I was always thinking what I was doing wrong. She would push me away and I would pull her back. I was addicted to this cycle of trying to please her. Each time we got back together the relationship got stronger. She would close up for the smallest of things. She would shame me for things that didn't make sense. It was an emotionally abusive cycle. I would be left wondering what I was doing wrong. I couldn't win but when everything settled we would be better than before.

[Cire155]

" Everything happens for a reason"


LOL! This was a biggie for my STBx. Granted, she used it as an emotional buffer to not take responsibility for her actions in the present, since those "reasons" can take quite a long time to realize, but it is a fairly reasonable saying when applied properly.

For instance, in and around the recent passing of my Dad, my STBx was offering me condolences that I did not accept from her due to her lousy attitude toward him after he had visited us some years ago. It was common for her to refer to him as an idiot to me, his son. Her offering condolences had become quite contentious, given that she was only doing it to prove to herself that she is the great person she has been trying to convince me of.

I wasn't buying it and made that abundantly clear. HOWEVER, what I did thank her for was being so crappy to me as to drive me out of the house on many a weekend and affording me the good luck of spending all that time with my dad that I wouldn't have spent with him if ours was a harmonious home.

Predictably her response was, "Everything happens for a reason."

I couldn't really take issue with that, because it was certainly one of the few silver linings of my marriage to her. Yet, once again, she preferred to not accept just how awful she was to me as to make leaving my own home and driving 3 hours away preferable to being anywhere near her.

J

Congrats to you for seeing through her fake intentions. Glad you got to see your Dad and spend time with him. Everything happens for a reason

[happendtome]

Yes, everything happens for a reason. That was also my ex-s favorite and another one was "no regrets".
To be honest, for me these have become just some forms of excuses.

[heartandwhole]

Trust yourself. Trust the process of healing. Take your time. Never let someone script your happiness. You are the director of your well being.

Wise words, Cire155, thank you for sharing.

How have you improved your ability to trust yourself and your decisions? I think a lot of us on these boards could benefit from your experiences.

Since my relationship with pwBPD, a part of me is afraid that I'll make a crappy decision again, and I just don't want to go through something similar, not even for a day. I know that's unrealistic, but it has to do with trusting that I can handle whatever comes my way. I know I can handle it, but I don't want to put myself in that position in the first place.  

heartandwhole

[Cire155]

Wise words, Cire155, thank you for sharing.

How have you improved your ability to trust yourself and your decisions? I think a lot of us on these boards could benefit from your experiences.

Since my relationship with pwBPD, a part of me is afraid that I'll make a crappy decision again, and I just don't want to go through something similar, not even for a day. I know that's unrealistic, but it has to do with trusting that I can handle whatever comes my way. I know I can handle it, but I don't want to put myself in that position in the first place.  

heartandwhole

I still second guess some decisions I make while dating. The thing is I want to take my time. I'm seeing someone now and it feels natural. Talking to a therapist helped because I had to accept a new way of looking at my ideal significant other. I wanted that excitement and spice and those were the people I didn't need but only thought I did because of my childhood problems that were never addressed. My co-dependency made me the perfect doormat. I was always trying to please and give, give, and give. Accepting what a normal relationship should feel like takes some second guessing and doubt at first. I think its normal and we all will have that in the back of our minds. I'm totally comfortable with being vulnerable to someone again. I think we all have the PTSD from the pwBPD and we have a heightened awareness of what to avoid.