Introduction

[ArtemisGardens]

Hello, everyone.
 
I am an adult (28yo) only child of a BPD single mother. Exhausted and out of ideas, I came here to find individuals like me, living in close proximity with a BPD family member. There are so many questions that I would like to ask other adult children of BPD parents   -which I will do in another thread.

Please be patient with me, as this is my first message board. Recently I realized I need help and entered into therapy. A huge chunk of my anxiety comes from the interactions I have with my BPD/mom, which is why I am here. From talking it out, I realized that I have inherited a few inappropriate traits from my mother. My worst fear is becoming my mother. That being said: You are now all my "people" and if I ever say anything even slightly offensive-please call me out on it.

Wishing that all of us grow stronger together -  

-ArtemisGardens  

[Insom]

 

There are so many questions that I would like to ask other adult children of BPD parents.

Welcome, ArtemisGardens.  What would you like to ask?  Is there a specific situation you need help navigating or just stuff in general?

[Mutt]

Hi ArtemisGardens,

 

I’d like join Insom and welcome you to the family. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. Have you had a chance to look at our lessons on the right side of the board  |--->That’s a good starting point. I look forward to reading your posts.

[strength_love]

Hi, glad you are reaching out. I'm new here too, but I've already found it hugely helpful to me. I hope you find it helpful too. 

[Turkish]

I'm an only child as well. 

What kinds of traits do you think you inherited given you grew up in such a dynamic?

T

[Living Life]

I was so afraid of becoming my mother, that I chose to not have children. I had no role model for good parenting; having friends with loving mothers and 'normal' families graphically displayed how dysfunctional my own family was. Since the mother is usually the prime care giver to the children, I decided early on that I just couldn't do it; I refused to carry on the dysfunction into another generation. Fortunately, it was not an issue for my DH. We are now retired, and I absolutely made the correct decision all those years ago.

Fortunately the drama with my mother ended with her eventual passing at the age of 97+; unfortunately the drama has been passed on to my brother. I had to deal with her crazy and being hurtful, but I don't have to deal with him, so we are now NC.

I wish I had found this board before she passed; I would have had much better skills to deal with a lifetime of her rage. ArtemisGardens, you are now in a good place and can find some answers to your questions which will help in your relationship with your mother. Good luck.

[ArtemisGardens]

My therapist keeps telling me that I need to set boundaries with my mother. How do I do that? People say that like it is a simple thing to do. Not with my  BPD mother.

Here is my latest attempt that backfired:
Recently I had made plans to meet up and resume limited contact with my mother. The plans were made on Monday and the get together was supposed to be on a Saturday at noon. My plan was to meet and talk over lunch at a restaurant that I do not frequent. (I chose that restaurant because if she blows up at me there, I do not have to go there again. Her behavior has got to the point that I cannot go out with her to places that I enjoy going.)

Anyway, the meeting never happened.

Almost as soon as we made plans to meet on Saturday, she kept interjecting other plans before that meeting. Like she wanted to go to the movies on Tuesday, and then she wanted us to go out to eat with her friend (that I do not care for) and her daughter on Friday, then to a play on Saturday. The whole time I kept telling her "no, I think it is best for us to talk before we attend social events together." She kept giving me fake apologies and promising me "gifts" if I would just take her out before Saturday. I told her that I felt like she was not interested in having a real conversation with me by making all these other plans. Friday morning I got an angry email from her telling me that I had "disrespected her" and I had somehow replied to the previous email about the dinner plans with her friend "too late". I blew up in my response. This is the bad trait I get from her. I got a bit too harsh. I responded the way she would have responded to herself. I told her that she does not care about me or our relationship. I told her not to contact me with anymore fake apologies just so she does not have to go out alone because she doesn't have any friends, etc... .

She alone makes me this mad. She keeps on and on at me until I blow up like she does. I don't like doing that. It sickens me every time she makes me sink to her level.


I have had her blocked on my phone for about 5 weeks now. This morning she sent me an email telling me to unblock her on my phone so she can call me. ---I should also add that she has put my grandmother in the middle of this. She has told my grandmother that she has "swine flu" and made herself out to be in pitiful condition. I do not believe one bit of it. She lies to my grandmother, her mother, all the time.--- Last night my grandmother called me with a grocery list for my mother. I did not buy them or take anything over to her. According to my aunt, my mother is not really sick with any flu. This is all just a manipulation to get me to come running back to my mother.

(The running to "save" or take care of one another is all one sided. In the beginning of January, I legitimately got E. coli from a bad restaurant. I was so sick, I thought I was going to die. I had my SO drive me to the hospital ER only to find out that they did not take my insurance, so we came back home because we cannot afford a huge ER bill. My mother, who is a nurse, was told by my aunt that I was this sick. My mother made no attempt to contact me or send me food or medicine.)

What do I do next? I do not want to talk to her. I am still angry at her. I do not want to be put in a position where I become the bad guy either.

[Insom]

I know how hard this stuff is!  It's great to hear you're in therapy and it's great you're reaching out here.

Almost as soon as we made plans to meet on Saturday, she kept interjecting other plans before that meeting. Like she wanted to go to the movies on Tuesday, and then she wanted us to go out to eat with her friend (that I do not care for) and her daughter on Friday, then to a play on Saturday. The whole time I kept telling her "no, I think it is best for us to talk before we attend social events together."

It sounds like you have something important you want to say to your mom.  What's your history with her as far as being able to talk about important stuff goes?  Have you been successful in the past with this?

[ArtemisGardens]

I really want to outline to her how her behavior has changed for the worse in the last 2 years. My goal is to get her to go to therapy or to a doctor for medication. She has always had BPD but before it was manageable on anti-depressants. She quit the anti depressants and has been abusing prescription pain killers, over eating, and shopping way too much in the last 24 months. I think those combined with her disorder are just toxic in every way. I want to help her so bad, but I feel paralyzed when she uses abusive speech towards me. 

[Insom]

I think those combined with her disorder are just toxic in every way. I want to help her so bad, but I feel paralyzed when she uses abusive speech towards me.

I hear you!  It's so frustrating to see a problem that you want to help fix, but to also feel thwarted and abused.  One of the things I personally struggle with is understanding what is mine to worry about in my relationships with the difficult people in my life.  What am I responsible for?  And what is beyond my control?

How is your therapy going?  Have you been able to address the subject of your mom yet?

[ArtemisGardens]

How is your therapy going?  Have you been able to address the subject of your mom yet?

It is going well. I talk about my mother about 50% of every single session. I plan to continue my therapy.

[Insom]

Oh, good!  It can be hard to find a therapist who feels like a good fit so I'm glad that's going well.

What do I do next? I do not want to talk to her. I am still angry at her. I do not want to be put in a position where I become the bad guy either.

Good question!

Are you in a position where you can take some time to sort out your thoughts before responding?  Or do you feel you need to respond right away?

[CollectedChaos]

Welcome!

Almost as soon as we made plans to meet on Saturday, she kept interjecting other plans before that meeting.

Ah, yes... .I know this behavior well!  I think they sense that the topic of discussion at that particular meeting won't be very fun for them, so they do anything in their power to find another way to see you sooner so they can have a chance to lay on the charm so that not fun talk that is planned for later will no longer be needed and disappear.  It's sad, if you think about it - it's such a high level of desperation to hang onto something that they themselves are pushing away by acting as they do.  And then when they don't get what they want, they resort to essentially a tantrum.  I've been in very similar situations over the years.  I would have done exactly what you did by just telling her no, that you believe you two need to talk before you make other plans.  And I'm certain it would end the same way, with my mom being upset.  Unfortunately, there's nothing you could have done about that.  You did what you should have done, you set the boundary that you needed to speak with her about something important and wouldn't be making other plans with her until that happened. 

What I would suggest for the future is instead of fighting back when she comes to you upset about your boundary, push away.  Continue to repeat the same line that you need to talk to her and won't make other plans before then.  When she ramps up her anger and accuses you of things like being disrespectful, just don't respond at all.  If you do feel that you need to respond, give yourself some time to calm down from it.  Responding calmly will not only make you feel better, but will ensure she doesn't have new fuel to use against you in future arguments.  What a pwBPD wants is attention (to feel they are loved and are not being abandoned), essentially - and each time you blow up at her, even though it's negative attention, it's still giving her what she feels she needs, while simultaneously destroying you.  Stepping away when tensions are high and not responding (at least not right away - could be days later even) gives you the time to care for yourself and your feelings and also ensures you aren't doing something that she wants at the expense of your sanity.  It's hard to do - they definitely know how to push all the right buttons to get a response.  This was the hardest thing for me to do.  I felt obligated to respond immediately even if that response was laced with emotion and was only feeding the fire.  Being able to step back now and assess what is being said and calm down before responding (and now that I am NC I don't respond at all - also hard) has been so helpful to me.

You also said that you don't want to talk to her right now.  So don't!  Follow your instincts here, even if your upbringing has conditioned you to feel bad about doing so.  If you don't want to talk to her, that could be a sign that you need a little space.  Practice some self-care and give yourself that time 

[strength_love]

it's such a high level of desperation to hang onto something that they themselves are pushing away by acting as they do.

So well said.