Tired and confused

[Frankee]

I appreciate all the responses.  Reece, I am glad to hear you are moving forward.  It gives me hope that I can as well.  I still love him... The messed up side of me that always believed he had the possibility to change.  I see now that there was no way things were ever going to get better if I had stayed. 

I still struggle with holding steady on the reasons why I left.  Some days I have the what the heck thought and feeling overwhelmed.   I'm not young and this idea of starting all over again becomes a bit much.  The panic of wanting to go back, knowing I can't.  The three day trip here left me with a lot of doubt and still does.

I got medical approved so now I can get setup with a counselor.  I've been keeping my mind occupied with getting everything in order for starting life here.  Trying to constantly reassure myself I made the right decision.  Been reading up on pages online about being strong, staying motivated, surviving abusive relationships, anything to help me make it through the day.  I know once I start seeing a counselor, I can start the healing process. 

I saw a girl come in the other day with a black eye and a busted up phone.  It took me back to the times he smashed my phones and then beat the crap out of me in the hotel room and gave me a shiner.  Then the girl crying in the next room.  Speaking Spanish but I knew why she was crying, same reasons I cry.   It's everywhere.  My heart goes out to these women because I was them at one time or another.  It's a process.  One step at a time.

[formflier]

  It's a process.  One step at a time.

Yes! 

Starting over is a big deal... .much easier to digest as just taking a step, then another.

A big step was getting your medical done!  Nice work. 

Next... .try out a counselor.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I still love my husband too. That's what hurts the most. I still wish he would change, could change. I am not young either. I turned 40 a few months ago. Two weeks before I left, actually. I think it was a turning point for me. I am sick of the drama and chaos. Too old to play childish mind games. Old enough to know better. I would not want one of my children to be treated like I allowed myself to be treated.
Maybe I will always love him. I think I will. It would be easier if I could hate him, or maybe just be indifferent. I think sometimes other people expect that I should feel that way. But my emotions don't fit neatly into someone else's box. I hate feeling like I have to measure up to the expectations of people who never experienced my situation. That is one reason I like this site.
One day at a time. Sometimes I have to break the day up into minutes at a time. I can get overwhelmed quickly, especially with decisions and questions about the future. I have never been on my own before, especially with a child. It is scary to think that I am the only one my son has to rely on to take care of him. But maybe that's how it was already. I really was alone. The relationship I had revolved completely around my uBPDh. There was no room for me, for how I felt or what I needed or wanted. All of that was irrelevant. To even suggest that I had needs or wants or rights, like a normal person, only resulted in him telling me that I was selfish, immature, crazy, even narcissistic

[Radcliff]

Hi Frankee, glad you are making progress.  Getting medical taken care of must be a relief.  Thanks for the update!

WW