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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Is it hard for pwBPD to stay in a long distance relationship?  (Read 753 times)
xyz-Girl
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« on: February 08, 2018, 09:36:01 PM »

Hello,

I have being reading a lot about the BPD behavior on relationships, and what not. My situation is complicated because my BPDexbf and I had a long distance relationship for the most part, and he broke up with me last week. What i want to know is that how hard is for BPD people stay in a long distance relationship? We did it for most of our relationship, like 7 months, and after May, my graduations, i was going to try to move closer, nothing is set yet, bc i have not found a job but he knows i want him, i want to be with him and i have been trying to find a job closer to him. He decided to end this now, just 3 months i possibly get to move closer, what is his deal? Should I think this is part of his BPD or simply he is just not interested anymore and is making excuses to break up with me?

My mind tells me he just consciously dumped me, but my heart wants to believe he is acting out of his BPD. What do you guys think? I am not doing anything to get back together for now, but i would really want to have some type of clarity since i don't even know what is going on anymore.
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 10:36:49 PM »

No it is almost a best case scenario, if your not worried about cheating or anything.


( it alleviates the push pull, because they don't see you as often, they still get jealous of course, and if they cheat, you will get blamed ( so it is best not to press them in this area) and they might run before you find out, but on balance... )
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xyz-Girl
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2018, 07:49:56 PM »

No it is almost a best case scenario, if your not worried about cheating or anything.


( it alleviates the push pull, because they don't see you as often, they still get jealous of course, and if they cheat, you will get blamed ( so it is best not to press them in this area) and they might run before you find out, but on balance... )

So he sent me a text saying he didn't want to be with anyone right now and that he only needed some time to see what feelings are still there. I know he is still going out on dates, he had one 2 days after breaking up - he confessed it to me on sunday. Now, on valentine's day he is out on another date after he sent me that text. I just don't know what to think now. Do you think he is just not in love anymore and looking for a replacement, and if he does will not contact me again? I am so confused about all his behavior, after he sent me that text i felt he still loved me, and he just needed time for himself, now i think he just wants to mess around with other girls and idk if i should even wait for him anymore. Any advice on this pattern? if it is even a behavioral pattern?
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2018, 08:16:56 PM »

Truth,


one, they are scared of you, the closer they get to you the more scared they become, because they know in their soul you will leave them ( regardless of anything )

two, you can't fix this, he can understand it on a notional but never on an emotional level,

three , they are always trying to fool themselves the perfect person exists and will be forever searching

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xyz-Girl
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« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2018, 08:28:33 PM »

Truth,


one, they are scared of you, the closer they get to you the more scared they become, because they know in their soul you will leave them ( regardless of anything )

two, you can't fix this, he can understand it on a notional but never on an emotional level,



So regardless of what he feels, or I feel, he will just move on. I wonder what would he do if he finds out i am moving on with my life too, dating other guys and not waiting for him any longer. Would he consider anyway going back with me?
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2018, 08:42:22 PM »

Re cycling is part of the search, he will know he's been unfair and will try again,once his current avenues dry up, ( if they do)

you can wait to be recycled , dumped and tried again if you want,

you may even learn to juggle things so on balance you remain the best option

but it will always be dodgy.
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xyz-Girl
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« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2018, 09:07:04 PM »

Re cycling is part of the search, he will know he's been unfair and will try again,once his current avenues dry up, ( if they do)

you can wait to be recycled , dumped and tried again if you want,

you may even learn to juggle things so on balance you remain the best option

but it will always be dodgy.

thank you for replying, It is hard to accept that there is no hope with them, you would think that they could get better, he is under treatment and he wants to get better, he's been working on it since we met, but idk how much he was aware of his symptoms after he was diagnosed. It just makes me sad to think that this is the best I can have with him, which is not even close to good you know. He is so shady... .
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2018, 09:20:05 PM »

It is really not there fault,

M Linehan the founder of DBT and also BPD herself,

it did not seem, could manage a long term romantic relationship, though she has an adopted daughter,

it places them under a lot of emotional stress, and heightens the chance of them dysregulating which can be bad, so they try and stay in there safety zone, it is being able to deal with this that  is tricky
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xyz-Girl
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« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2018, 09:28:46 PM »

It is really not there fault,

M Linehan the founder of DBT and also BPD herself,

it did not seem, could manage a long term romantic relationship, though she has an adopted daughter,

it places them under a lot of emotional stress, and heightens the chance of them dysregulating which can be bad, so they try and stay in there safety zone, it is being able to deal with this that  is tricky

I understand it is not their fault to feel the way they feel. But what about dating another girl after 2 days of breaking up with me, when he was talking about marriage and children with me?... .I can only think that is concious right? he knows what he is doing there, and then lies about it. I am trying to draw a line between BPD behavior and he doesnt love me anymore, just move on. Not sure if that is possible :/
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2018, 10:25:26 PM »

Love is a funny word when used with BPD, there ability to "love" has been damaged.

They are dealing with an irreconcilable grief, from their core abandonment issues,

this locks them into bouncing between the first four stages of grief,, denial, bargaining anger and deppresion

without ever being able to reach acceptance and resolution , the final stage.

They use their bargaining and denial to fabricate a person who they believe will never let them down

and so in their way, love that idol, eventually something will happen, maybe as small as a facial twitch,

if they are really invested, and it all comes crashing down ( often unleashing their anger ) , a house of cards if you will.

The saddest thing is in their heart they all know it will collapse sometime, but they start again, often

straight away.
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xyz-Girl
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« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2018, 10:44:41 PM »

Love is a funny word when used with BPD, there ability to "love" has been damaged.

They are dealing with an irreconcilable grief, from their core abandonment issues,

this locks them into bouncing between the first four stages of grief,, denial, bargaining anger and deppresion

without ever being able to reach acceptance and resolution , the final stage.

They use their bargaining and denial to fabricate a person who they believe will never let them down

and so in their way, love that idol, eventually something will happen, maybe as small as a facial twitch,

if they are really invested, and it all comes crashing down , a house of cards if you will.

The saddest thing is in their heart they all know it will collapse sometime, but they start again, often

straight away.

It makes sense, the way you are explaining it, and many do, i have noticed, is that seems that they look into their relationships to fill that void, but it is only temporal. Eventually, they know it will collapse bc they know they have issues right? i mean for a 30 year old guy, he has to know his pattern. they often have had a lot of relationships to it. I am guessing, your advice would be to let it go? Let him go... .seems this is a battle that no matter how long it takes, I will never get to win or even achieve a peace state.
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2018, 10:54:50 PM »

On a day to day basis you can win,

not long term,

My ex was BPD, and I have brought up my two step daughters ( one who sadly also had BPD)

and son (with her ) basically by myself.

A lot of damage was done to them, from their mother, and I feel she could have stepped bak from many of the way way over the top things she did, My solid advice and i doubt few people would disagree with this, as the boards will attest, don't have children with some who has BPD ( i was unaware  my ex had BPD at the time and the pregnancy ( on my part ) was accidental)
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xyz-Girl
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« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2018, 09:32:14 AM »

On a day to day basis you can win,

not long term,

My ex was BPD, and I have brought up my two step daughters ( one who sadly also had BPD)

and son (with her ) basically by myself.

A lot of damage was done to them, from their mother, and I feel she could have stepped bak from many of the way way over the top things she did, My solid advice and i doubt few people would disagree with this, as the boards will attest, don't have children with some who has BPD ( i was unaware  my ex had BPD at the time and the pregnancy ( on my part ) was accidental)


Thank you for your advice SlyQQ, was your ex ever diagnosed? or she was unaware of her condition as well? See  that is something scary for me too, I know he has being working on getting better for a long time but was only about a year ago that he got diagnosed with BPD. We never had major issues, i must admit my personality also triggers him, i am not the best at communicating either, and because of my culture, i am a bit too much sometimes. he has always being patient and even taught me to express myself better, but sometime trying to reason with him is just a waste of time. I am still confuse of his actions, i wouldn't want to let him go bc of how invested i have been in our relationship and he is a good guy, i know that, he is not out of control but he is so weird  i sent him a text last night wishing him a happy valentine's day saying that i missed him. He did not replied to it, i wasn't expecting him to, or maybe I was? anyway, because we were a LDR we had a shared calendar, specifically made for the both of us. I just noticed he added on that calendar a dinner with some girl. Like what are his intentions? he is so confusing. I am getting tired of this, it's being a week tho, almost two weeks so idk how much longer i can do this for him, for the relationship. I am currently focusing all of energy and time into learning about BPD and specially in men. I want to understand better... .I got very depressed when everything happened and I even got sick. I definitely need some time for myself to
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2018, 10:53:12 PM »

Was mis diagnosed with bi polar at one stage ( it was what she told me but she may well have had a BPD diagnosis and not told me) she knew though and so does SD,

Can't add much you seem to have to decide yourself now,

The single biggest thing that can help them is accepting they are "crazy" and deciding not to act on those impulses, but everything goes out the window if they break, and it can take a while to get back on track.
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xyz-Girl
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« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2018, 09:49:48 AM »

Was mis diagnosed with bi polar at one stage ( it was what she told me but she may well have had a BPD diagnosis and not told me) she knew though and so does SD,

Can't add much you seem to have to decide yourself now,

The single biggest thing that can help them is accepting they are "crazy" and deciding not to act on those impulses, but everything goes out the window if they break, and it can take a while to get back on track.

Well, I am not sure what to think or do. At the moment, i am taking my time, we still text each other but he seems distant. He will never admit he is crazy, but he knows he gets this horrible feelings, this is the first he has acted bad about them, if that is what has happened. He also said that he didn't mean to add that dinner on to our calendar, which is with his brother's wife, who i have met. I have stopped thinking about his every action tho. Have to find myself doing other stuff. I has been harder bc i got sick and very weak so he was kinda all i was thinking of, and missing him even more.
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« Reply #15 on: February 19, 2018, 03:24:21 PM »

My mind tells me he just consciously dumped me, but my heart wants to believe he is acting out of his BPD.

BPD is a set of personality traits, style, and world view. it colors actions, thoughts, and feelings, though it is part of the equation, not the entirety of it.

hard to get our minds around, i know. whats important to differentiate is that its not a sort of episode, where BPD takes over the mind and brain, and a little bit later the person is "back to normal". BPD is about perceptions, which are often times distorted, where feelings rule.

if you want to reconcile the relationship, its a good idea to post on the Bettering board. the Detaching board involves members working through the stages of grief, so the advice you get will center around that.

long distance relationships are one of many different kinds of obstacles in any relationship. how they will play out depends much more on the two parties involved (you and he), the circumstances, the level of commitment both have, etc.

it sounds like what he wants to do is play the field, so to speak, and not be in a committed relationship. long distance relationships can lend themselves to that, but if one party is more committed than the other, it can crush and burn.

I wonder what would he do if he finds out i am moving on with my life too, dating other guys and not waiting for him any longer. Would he consider anyway going back with me?

the advice for detaching, or the advice for reconciling look similar, but depend on your goals. bottom line, you dont want to put your life on hold for him either way. if you feel ready to take steps toward moving on, and/or dating, do it. it also happens to be the case that strength and independence are attractive to anyone, so its something to strive for, whether you want to detach or reconcile. right now, you are chasing him a bit, and it may be pushing him away. if you want to detach, then its only going to make you feel worse. if you want to reconcile, its a counter productive strategy.
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« Reply #16 on: February 22, 2018, 01:18:44 AM »

Re cycling is part of the search, he will know he's been unfair and will try again,once his current avenues dry up, ( if they do)

you can wait to be recycled , dumped and tried again if you want,

you may even learn to juggle things so on balance you remain the best option

but it will always be dodgy.

This is going on my fridge.
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