I hide from others that I am still with him

[Perdita]

The isolation is really getting to me. I have no one to talk to.  I feel people either give up or, I hide from them that I am still with him (from close friends that don't live out here) due to being too ashamed to tell them.

Am I the only one hiding things from close friends and family?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cmjo]

 No you are not alone. Its a terrible feeling to be ashamed of being unhappy but being stuck and feeling helpless. So we prefer our friends and family not to know the real truth. Like the dysfunctional place we are in and powerless to make our lives better. I find people avoid mentioning him now, my father on the phone always only sends his love to our children. I dont get invited out by friends so much.

[isilme]

No - for many reasons we tend to keep quiet.

BPD tendencies include isolating us, and a bit of gaslighting, making us wonder if we really are to blame for everything, making us feel unworthy of good things, friendship or trust.  Taking things outside the relationship is treated as betrayal, it's taboo.  My BPD parents schooled me to LIE to school counselors and my teachers so CPS would not get called.  Any time they felt I was talking too much (not that a bruise was plainly visible) I got in trouble.  Anytime H accuses me of oversharing or making him look bad, I question if I really was overstepping things.

BPD is hard for anyone to understand unless they have lived on either side of it.  It's hard to understand how a person with such a great public persona can morph in private, or why we'd put up with it at all.  No one says "Yeah, I'm totally looking for that relationship where I get yelled at violently for cooking too many vegetables and it ruining about 24 hours of my life."  And yet here I am.  No one understands that it's usually a slow progression, a slippery slope where at first the anger seemed somewhat reasonable, and then you reach a place where you realize it's totally out of proportion, I can't be THAT mistaken about what I said/did, and this is not right.  A pwBPD does not immediately freak out on you showing the absolute worst they can muster.  Hell, almost 22 years in, I STILL find myself caught in the headlights at times when it happens. 

People, in general, are VERY uncomfortable with the phrase "mental illness".  If someone has a mental illness, we politely gloss over it, ignore it, pretend they don't exist.  Because we tend to lump ALL mental illness into being Ted Bundy.  I have chronic depression.  I have a mental illness.  I also have a form of PTSD.  I have a mental illness.  But if I said that, people would find a reason to walk away.  So, we keep quiet even when we discovered BPD exists and fits the stuff we are seeing.

Also, because people hate to talk about problems and but want to "fix" them, all we tend to hear is "leave".  And if that was where we were in our thought process, that would be fine, but most of us are too invested for a blithe" just leave them then."

And because of that attitude, we are often ashamed for putting up with things we know no one can understand and then we have the pwBPD eating away at our self-esteem. 

So, I come here, and "talk" to people who DO understand.

[isilme]

As a side note, though, I have been working on not allowing myself to be as isolated.  I have found I can get some of it off my chest in relaying a sanitized version of events - letting them know I had a fight, I was up late, had a bad morning, even maybe including the catalyst for the fight.  It helps me keep from "oversharing" but at the same time, not feel I am quite so alone about it. 

And I've found that stating H has anxiety issues is more easily understood by friends than BPD ever would be.  Find ways to communicate a bit, like I've said before, it's not the name of the condition that is important, but that you find ways to cope. 

Do you have anyone you can share even simple things with?  And test the waters about talking BPD slowly, like me saying  "H is really bad about black and white thinking when he's upset.  I will need to let him cool off a bit before mentioning your plans for a movie night, etc"?

[Perdita]

I find people avoid mentioning him now, my father on the phone always only sends his love to our children. I dont get invited out by friends so much.

That makes me sad too. I feel that my life isn't good enough for people close to me to want to be a part of it. I feel rejected by association.

[Perdita]

BPD is hard for anyone to understand unless they have lived on either side of it.  It's hard to understand how a person with such a great public persona can morph in private, or why we'd put up with it at all.  No one says "Yeah, I'm totally looking for that relationship where I get yelled at violently for cooking too many vegetables and it ruining about 24 hours of my life."  And yet here I am.  No one understands that it's usually a slow progression, a slippery slope where at first the anger seemed somewhat reasonable, and then you reach a place where you realize it's totally out of proportion, I can't be THAT mistaken about what I said/did, and this is not right.  A pwBPD does not immediately freak out on you showing the absolute worst they can muster.

... .
  I also have a form of PTSD.  I have a mental illness.  But if I said that, people would find a reason to walk away.  So, we keep quiet even when we discovered BPD exists and fits the stuff we are seeing.

Also, because people hate to talk about problems and but want to "fix" them, all we tend to hear is "leave".  And if that was where we were in our thought process, that would be fine, but most of us are too invested for a blithe" just leave them then."

That whole "just leave" thing gets to me too. It's one sure way to know that the  person has no understanding of our situation at all. You are right, they don't get that it is a gradual thing that slowly erodes away at our confidence and leaves us doubting ourselves even once we know about BPD. His public persona is that of a carefree joker. Nothing can be further from the truth.

[ortac77]

Hi Perdita

I think isolation is a common problem for those of us living with a pwBPD. It is wise to remember that it is both a complex and serious mental disorder and I know (for me) it took a long time to get my head around it. I think the isolation works at two levels:

Our BPD partner 'discourages' us from outside relationships seeing them as threatening or betrayal thus making us uncomfortable in getting too close to others whilst at the same time the stigma of mental illness and the attitudes of others can cause us to self isolate or at least keep quiet about the problem. This not least because whether it is right or not many people still find mental illness difficult to appreciate or understand.

I have found that it is important not to isolate, rather to seek to talk about the situation with friends/family and it took me a long time to gain the courage to do that, sure some say just 'walk away' some maybe do not want to listen but I have found that my good friends have started to appreciate that I love my partner and that it is not that simple. It is an illness and to be supportive we need to have someone/somewhere we can be listened to. These boards are one place, I have found therapy helps as well but I also realise that it is important that I balance my life with supportive people to whom I can turn.

It can be very difficult for others too appreciate the difference between a pwBPD's ability to sometimes publicly appear very different to the individual we live with in private, although to an extent I think we all have 'different faces' that we show in public to our private lives. With BPD it is a lot more extreme.

It has taken a long time but I think my partner does realise (most of the time) that this is not a threat to our relationship and in fact makes me more compassionate and understanding - perhaps as well it is no bad thing to help others understand that mental illness is common in our society?

Ortac

[Cmjo]

I have said the words BPD to quite a few friends and family, and realise that there is a complete resistance by anyone to thnk out of the box and make any effort to understand as it is somethng even they dont know about or realise it exists.

I would compare it to actually living on another planet, in another dimension!

But I am also very careful not to judge others for their lack of understanding, and I agree that using a description of severe anxiety is better. Also it is important that we dont completely hide it, with people that love us we should feel able to communicate at least that we feel down or sad. We dont have to go into the full details but dont Pretend its all OK.

I told my cousin yesterday that "it is what it is", She knows in a situation where we have teenage children to look after its a priority to keep living a calm existence where they have their needs met, I may be living quite a separate life from BPDh even though we live in the same house, but there is no alternative right now, and Im having counselling which reminds me I need to protect myself.

[Meili]

That makes me sad too. I feel that my life isn't good enough for people close to me to want to be a part of it. I feel rejected by association.

This statement struck me.

I think that I understand, but don't want to make any assumptions, so can you tell us why you feel that way?

[Perdita]

This statement struck me.

I think that I understand, but don't want to make any assumptions, so can you tell us why you feel that way?

Hi Meili,

What I meant is that people in my family have heard through a sibling (I believe as that is the only way) that my SO has issues.  Due to the fact that a relative I was very close to was in a very bad relationship that ended in her death, I feel that the small circle that were also close to her are even more reluctant to want to have anything to do with my life which includes my SO.  As a result, I too feel rejected and more isolated.  We never hang out with my family.  Never have.

[Panda39]

I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw, however I relate to this topic too because I was in a co-dependent marriage with an Alcoholic.

I tried to hide my life too.  The isolation happened gradually, my ex would use social occasions as a way to get drunk (because I wanted to avoid a scene I would not say anything - can we all say "enabling", he would get drunk and embarrass me.  So I quit doing social occasions as a couple, for example.

Things continued to deteriorate and I normalized a lot.  This bad thing would happen and I would be like okay that's not so bad I can deal with it... .his first DUI I was actually happy because I thought he would finally get that he had a problem... .but no.  Something else would happen and I would be like, I've dealt with xyz so I can deal with this too and so it went. 

I didn't tell my family or friends much about my "real life" they got the "happy, happy, joy, joy" version.  I was embarrassed by my ex, by the fact that I was still in this relationship when I clearly knew he was an alcoholic (I felt I couldn't leave financially), I felt trapped, I was trying to become invisible.  I gained weight, I grew my hair really long, wore glasses (not contacts) and I was hiding behind all of those things.  If I was invisible no one would ask too many questions. 

I was embarassed, trapped and didn't want to worry anyone.  The final stages of all of this took me down the path to depression and suicidal thoughts that I would never go through with because I would never leave my son alone with his father. I felt very alone and trapped. But who was trapping me?  Who was keeping me away from people? Who was keeping it all quiet?
 
I hit bottom and began doing things for me... .it was gradual... .I quit smoking, I started to loose weight, at the encouragement of a friend I began doing art again and participated in a craft fair.  I talked with a dear old friend that I hadn't spoken to in years and was reminded that I was loveable and loved. I began sharing more with my friends being honest about my situation, and sharing with my family too.  I was feeling lighter and I was becoming visible again. I was becoming myself, acting like myself, doing what I wanted, and discovering who the people where that loved me as I am flaws and all.  I began to think about leaving, planned, asked for a divorce and left my marriage. 

I'm not suggesting everyone leave but am suggesting you become visible and live your truth, stop hiding... .it took me way to long too figure that out almost 20 years, my hope is that it doesn't take any of you that long. If you come out of hiding you will discover who loves you for you and who is judging you.  Frankly, you don't need those judging people in your life, if people aren't supporting you let em go.

Who kept me trapped? Who pushed everyone away so I was alone? Who was hiding the truth about my life?  I WAS... .ME... .  Who is the one person we can control? Ourselves.  It is up to us to create the life we want. 

Panda39

[Tattered Heart]

I have found that it is important not to isolate, rather to seek to talk about the situation with friends/family and it took me a long time to gain the courage to do that, sure some say just 'walk away' some maybe do not want to listen but I have found that my good friends have started to appreciate that I love my partner and that it is not that simple. It is an illness and to be supportive we need to have someone/somewhere we can be listened to. These boards are one place, I have found therapy helps as well but I also realise that it is important that I balance my life with supportive people to whom I can turn.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so isolated. Is shunning a common occurrence in your family? Have any of them outright said "I cannot be around you when you are with him?"

I'd like to encourage you to consider ortac77's suggestion in being the one to reach out to others. It may feel like others are shunning you because you heard that someone told someone something, but until you try to initiate contact with them, it's only a feeling and not something that you know. For all you know they could be sititng at home thinking "Perdita never reaches out. She must want her privacy so I won't bother her."