How do you talk about your child with friends, family etc?

[Intergalactic]

Hi, relatively new here and still figuring things out. My son (24) was recently diagnosed with BPD, though of course he's been exhibiting all of the associated behaviors for a long time.  As he's gotten older, my DH and I have struggled with how to discuss his "situation" with others, especially with parents of "neurotypical" kids who seem to always want to talk about how great their kids are doing etc.

To be clear, we are not ashamed of him in any way - we just want to protect his privacy (he's not even aware of the diagnosis yet, as I explained in a previous post), and avoid getting into long conversations about him with people who either don't know him well or who we feel won't get it.  Our typical response for the past few years, ever since he left college, has been that he dropped out of school and is "finding himself"  (both are true statements) --  and hope that people take the hint that we don't want to discuss it.  This is getting harder as he gets older.  We are having dinner tonight with old friends who are visiting from out of town, and I am really stressed about how to handle this conversation with them, as their kids are pretty perfect in every way, and they are definitely the kind of people who will want to talk about their kids all night... .  The added complication is that most people who know our son also know that he has a genius-level IQ, went to an ivy league school on full scholarship, and was (to outside appearances) on a trajectory for incredible success.  So it's hard to explain how he ended up working part-time as a bouncer in a bar without getting into his mental health issues. We've definitely distanced ourselves from people who have been judgmental or who have refused to let the subject go.  But I'm anxious about the dinner tonight with people we haven't seen in ages, and what I will say when they ask "how is (DS)?"

How do others deal with this? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Intergalactic.

Your problem is one that most of us share.  It is indeed hard at times to sit with a group of parents/grandparents and listen to them tell stories that we can't.  I can take so much of that and then usually I just excuse myself.

I think your comment, when asked about your son... ."finding himself"... .is just fine.  You are not obligated to go into any/all details of your/his life unless that is something you feel comfortable in doing... .and seems this is a topic you would rather not expand upon... .so don't.  Your comment can show that you are accepting of him and getting on with life.

So, Intergalactic, glad you are with us.  Life with our "special" children is indeed a roller coaster ride.  I have my days!  Just when I think I have all under control and I am handling my situation-in-life... .I hit a bump.  My recovery period, though, is not as long as it used to be.

I hope you enjoy that dinner tonight with your old friends.  You have a a history with them... .so many other shared experiences you can remember together, rehashing and enjoying.  Getting into less-than-happy topics can soon put a damper on what should be a joyous occasion.

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hi Intergalactic

I don’t talk about my son to certain people, simply because I’d have to go through all the details and they probably wouldn’t understand anyway. The people who I want to know, know. So, for instance, if someone says “How’s your son?” I will reply “He’s fine, thank you” or something very similar, just keep it brief and simple and then I will usually change the subject or put it back to them and make them or their family the subject. Most times it works, they don’t usually realise that I’ve switched the focus from me onto them. If they do persist asking questions I give the shortest answers I possibly can and they usually get the message that I don’t want to talk about it.

Or you could quite simply just say “I don’t want to talk about that at the moment”. Don’t let anyone pressurise you into discussing what you don’t want to.

I hope you have a very pleasant evening and enjoy your dinner, let us know how it goes x

[No-One]

. . .  The added complication is that most people who know our son also know that he has a genius-level IQ, went to an ivy league school on full scholarship, and was (to outside appearances) on a trajectory for incredible success.  So it's hard to explain how he ended up working part-time as a bouncer in a bar without getting into his mental health issues. We've definitely distanced ourselves from people who have been judgmental or who have refused to let the subject go.  But I'm anxious about the dinner tonight with people we haven't seen in ages, and what I will say when they ask "how is (DS)?"

I'm so sorry about the situation with your son. Both Huat and Feeling Better gave you good advice on how to deal with questions.  It could be helpful to decide on what your brief response will be in advance and be prepared for how you will respond to both those who drop the subject easily and those who don't. That way, you will be less anxious. 

You don't have to let them know where he works or if he has plans to finish his education.  Something nonspecific like this might work, "He's looking at all his options right now.  I don't know what his plans are/will be".  As far as employment goes, perhaps you could say he is doing some "temp" work and you aren't sure what his current assignment is, as it varies.

Does your son excel (a genius) in something specific? (i.e. math, tech, science, etc.). 

From what I've read/heard, people with high IQ's struggle with mental health issues and/or emotional intelligence (EQ versus IQ). Geniuses tend to be portrayed on TV as being quirky, socially dysfunctional and possessing various mental health issue (s). 

The TV show "Scorpion" depicts what seems to be the medial's stereotype of a genius.  If you haven't watched the show, you might try viewing it from the first season, via Netflix or some other media.

You might find the article in the quote below to be interesting.  If you look beyond what might be TV's stereotypical depiction, some people will relate to having encountered a "genius" in real life, who fits the description to some degree.

If you look at television shows featuring a genius you very quickly see a pattern emerge. Hugh Laurie's TV-doctor, House, is a medical genius but struggles with severe depression as well as a messiah complex. Sherlock Holmes can solve any case, but has many addictions and may just be a sociopath. Countless TV shows, films, and books all peddle the idea that highly intelligent people are prone to mental illness.

However, the stereotype of tortured genius may now have gained some more scientific backing to it, after a new study has found that people with high IQs are more at risk of developing mental illness than the rest of the population.

The study, published in Science Direct, looked at Mensa members with an IQ of over 130 and found that “those with high intelligence are at significantly greater risk for the examined psychological disorders and physiological diseases.”

The study found that anxiety disorders were particularly prevalent amongst the 3,715 members of American Mensa they surveyed. Of these members, 20 percent had a diagnosed anxiety disorder, much higher than in the general population, where just over 10 percent are diagnosed with anxiety disorders.

The study suggested that due to increased levels of awareness experienced by people with higher IQs, they react more to stimulus from the environment, creating a hyper brain/hyper body scenario, where they display a hyperactive central nervous system.

Tiny stimuli, such as a clothing tag brushing against you or a strange sound can even "trigger a low level, chronic stress response which then activates a hyper body response,” Dr. Nicole Tetreault, co-author of the study, told Thriveworks, which could explain why people with high IQs are more likely to suffer a heightened state of anxiety.

“Unique intensities and over-excitabilities [... ] can be at once both remarkable and disabling on many levels,” the authors wrote in the study. “A significant portion of these individuals are suffering on a daily basis as a result of their unique emotional and physical over-excitabilities."

The authors stressed that their study showed correlation and not causation, and called for further investigation into this at-risk sector of the population, and more focus on the mental health of people with high levels of intelligence.

"Intelligence research most often focuses on the flashes of lightning seen in this rare population, however in order to serve this group of individuals fully we must not neglect to acknowledge the rumbles of thunder that follow in the wake of their brilliance," they conclude.

[Intergalactic]

Thank you all so much.  The info you posted, No-one, was really interesting.  I never associated his anxiety (off the charts at times) with his high level of intelligence, at least not in the way suggested in that article.  His abilities and interests were principally in math and science (especially computers and engineering), but I don't know if he'll ever go back to that.  He seems to have lost interest in all of that after he fell apart in college.

Anyhow, we had the dinner last night and of course the question was asked -- "how's (son) doing?" I don't think I handled it well (said way too much, when I should have just said "he's fine, figuring stuff out) but at least I ended the discussion and we moved on to other subjects.  Other than that, it was nice to reconnect with old friends... .