My mom has BPD. I have depression,anxiety and inability to find matching partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

She has trapped me since childhood with saying demeaning things for me. She was telling me I am her reason for not getting married,  I am a bad person like my dad,  not worthy of having a family. When I made friends she called me a lesbian.  When I was trying to explain that she hurted me she called me crazy. That if I will go and live with my father I would become a drug addict and prostitute. She kept me emprissoned with so many ways. I left when I was 19 and passed the test to enter University. BUT WAS VERY SAD AND HAD FRIENDS BUT FEELING LONELY. I never told anyone what I suffer in my family. Because the truth is that my dad had had a relationship with his sisters daughter,  and his brothers child has been killed from drug dealing.So I thought I was a trash. That Noone would want me with this family. Always sad and lonely and empty inside,  with many people to hung out. I finished University and moved to London to do a Masters.  I hoped that there people wouldn't care about my family and would accept me for who I am. She was so against me moving to London to do a masters. I didn't even asked her for a penny. I payed everything by myself.  I was happy for a period but felt very lonely again very soon. After 3 years I was home for holidays because I was not feeling well emotionaly,  and she had problems with her husband. We argued and she told me to leave the house again. As she would often tell me since my grandfather died since my 14 years of age. I went to a friend for a month and then I got my first panic attack. They called her and took me to hospital.  I was trembling and thought that my mind was a woven pull-over and that it's thread was unwrapping,  and that I was getting crazy. She kept me home and I asked to go to a therapist. She paid for three months. After that I had started getting sickness payment from my work. I told her I need to stay home and that i have the money to cover my expenses and therapy. But she asked me to leave. I went back to London. I had a boyfriend who was gambling and smoking weed. I had friends but they had been tired of me being sad,  before I got seek. I only saw them once a month any ways. London is huge. I never told them I got sick. Didn't want to bother them any more. So the only one I had was him. I smoked weed with him since he wasn't listening to my begging and was bringing it home. I was working and him also.  I tried so hard to get well but no psychologist was actually helping me. Finally after 4 years I was getting worse and worse,  and she was not getting along with her husband so she asked me to come back. I refused and refused but I was getting worse and worse. So I came back in 2010. I was looking for job but the deep financial crisis started in Greece.  And my mom preferred to by a new car with paying 10.000euroes in total plus her old car,  instead of giving me money to go to a psychiatrist. She was also getting my grandmothers pension. But she was using the money to make the house look like a reach man's house. Eventually I was so bad she paid for a psychiatrist for 1.5 years. But the psychiatrist revealed so much about the damage she has done to me,  and was still doing,  that she stopped me, 4 years ago. One year ago I got a more permanent job. Since September I can afford therapy. But my dear psychiatrist passed away last December,  at the age of 46. My new psychoanalist,  like the old one,  says,  that the reason why I can't get away from her,  is because I have a deep since of fear,  that she and her mom,  and my dad,  put deeply inside of me. PLEASE HELP ME DO THAT... .I M IN DESPERATION AFTER ALL THIS EFFORT THAT I VE DONE TO STILL BE TRUPPED IN HER 'SPELLS'. I m 40 years old and can't fight any more,  I VE been fighting since I was a child,  and always failed to feel happiness and have a normal life.

[Stressnlonelines]

She has trapped me since childhood with saying demeaning things for me. She was telling me I am her reason for not getting married,  I am a bad person like my dad,  not worthy of having a family. When I made friends she called me a lesbian.  When I was trying to explain that she hurted me she called me crazy. That if I will go and live with my father I would become a drug addict and prostitute. She kept me emprissoned with so many ways. I left when I was 19 and passed the test to enter University. BUT WAS VERY SAD AND HAD FRIENDS BUT FEELING LONELY. I never told anyone what I suffer in my family. Because the truth is that my dad had had a relationship with his sisters daughter,  and his brothers child has been killed from drug dealing.So I thought I was a trash. That Noone would want me with this family. Always sad and lonely and empty inside,  with many people to hung out. I finished University and moved to London to do a Masters.  I hoped that there people wouldn't care about my family and would accept me for who I am. She was so against me moving to London to do a masters. I didn't even asked her for a penny. I payed everything by myself.  I was happy for a period but felt very lonely again very soon. After 3 years I was home for holidays because I was not feeling well emotionaly,  and she had problems with her husband. We argued and she told me to leave the house again. As she would often tell me since my grandfather died since my 14 years of age. I went to a friend for a month and then I got my first panic attack. They called her and took me to hospital.  I was trembling and thought that my mind was a woven pull-over and that it's thread was unwrapping,  and that I was getting crazy. She kept me home and I asked to go to a therapist. She paid for three months. After that I had started getting sickness payment from my work. I told her I need to stay home and that i have the money to cover my expenses and therapy. But she asked me to leave. I went back to London. I had a boyfriend who was gambling and smoking weed. I had friends but they had been tired of me being sad,  before I got seek. I only saw them once a month any ways. London is huge. I never told them I got sick. Didn't want to bother them any more. So the only one I had was him. I smoked weed with him since he wasn't listening to my begging and was bringing it home. I was working and him also.  I tried so hard to get well but no psychologist was actually helping me. Finally after 4 years I was getting worse and worse,  and she was not getting along with her husband so she asked me to come back. I refused and refused but I was getting worse and worse. So I came back in 2010. I was looking for job but the deep financial crisis started in Greece.  And my mom preferred to by a new car with paying 10.000euroes in total plus her old car,  instead of giving me money to go to a psychiatrist. She was also getting my grandmothers pension. But she was using the money to make the house look like a reach man's house. Eventually I was so bad she paid for a psychiatrist for 1.5 years. But the psychiatrist revealed so much about the damage she has done to me,  and was still doing,  that she stopped me, 4 years ago. One year ago I got a more permanent job. Since September I can afford therapy. But my dear psychiatrist passed away last December,  at the age of 46. My new psychoanalist,  like the old one,  says,  that the reason why I can't get away from her,  is because I have a deep since of fear,  that she and her mom,  and my dad,  put deeply inside of me. PLEASE HELP ME DO THAT... .I M IN DESPERATION AFTER ALL THIS EFFORT THAT I VE DONE TO STILL BE TRUPPED IN HER 'SPELLS'. I m 40 years old and can't fight any more,  I VE been fighting since I was a child,  and always failed to feel happiness and have a normal life.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Stressnlonelines,

I am so sorry you are struggling in this way. If it give you hope, you sound like me when I first landed on this forum. Like you, I felt hopeless and could not see any progress, despite throwing everything at it. But what I failed to pick up, was my progress was two steps forward and one back. Such small steps I failed to notice each one. But my Uni friends and I always meet up twice a year like clockwork. And they helpfully pointed out my progress  “He’s getting fatter.” but also the positive stuff “Those stretchy trousers are nice”. I did tell them about the BPD thing, but they said it was so alien to them, they didn’t know what to say, but paid for my therapy. My BPD never gave me a penny of financial help, despite having the money . The fact your BPD didn’t help financially is not personal.

This forum was great for people “getting it” folk on here understand what we’ve been through and want to help. It is healing to get validation of your childhood experiences. Post as often as you see fit. What area would you like to start with ?

You mentioned you understandably feel very alone, well count this forum as  friend. You have described some enormous challenges in your post, a difficult family to be brought up in, a difficulty economic climate in Grease, poor health and anxiety. Considering how much you’ve been through you should be proud of surviving all that. Also you managed to get a degree and a Masters, not many achieve that, so all stuff to be proud off. I forget who said this but “If you learn to be friends with yourself, then you are never alone.”

We children of BPD are taught to serve our BPD, put ourselves last. You point out yourself your BPD systematically destroyed your self esteem as a way of manipulating you. So you must manipulate things back to the norm, where you are good to yourself, put yourself first, build your own self esteem. You studied a Masters in London,  which is where the elite in the world studied (I got my Master there also, so... ). So that’s an achievement.

But in short, having been through what you’ve been through, you deserve a medal for not becoming a class A drug addict or ending up homeless.  You achieved, and you should be proud of that. A few tips from my therapist on building self esteem.

1) List all the things you are proud off, so you can read it when you’re down, to remind yourself of your achievements. I claim Greece winning Euro 2004 as a personal achievement (how did that happen?)
2) Treat yourself every day, to make yourself feel special.
3) Every morning look in the mirror and compliment yourself, like “I have a British Masters and I’m not as fat as Happy Chappy.” Welcome to the forum, and you are not alone. There are 75 thousand members, you are part of the BPD family. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.    

[Kwamina]

Hi Stressnlonelines

I would like to join HappyChappy in welcoming you here  You definitely have been through a lot indeed. Getting through all of that isn't easy but in spite of everything, you did survive and that says a lot about your character Many of us children of BPD parents find ourselves struggling with certain issues in our adult lives. You are definitely not alone here. Surviving is the first and in many ways also the most crucial step, all the steps after that are only possible if you first were able to survive and you have done that. You have given yourself a chance and can now work on your healing.

I am glad you are getting help for your issues, sorry to hear though that your psychiatrist passed away. I can imagine that must also have been difficult for you. Fortunately you do have a new psychoanalist now, how is that working out so far?

But the psychiatrist revealed so much about the damage she has done to me,  and was still doing... .

What do you consider the most profound damage she has done to you? In what ways do you feel affected by her now in your adult life?

You studied a Masters in London,  which is where the elite in the world studied (I got my Master there also, so... ). So that’s an achievement.

See, you're in special company!

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot