Best way to break up with a BPD? (question and some venting)

[Thalassa]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, has been reading this forum for a couple of weeks and it has been very helpful.

I think my girfriend has BPD. The idealization, the splitting, the mood swings are all there.
I thought about HPD also, she can be really theatrical, but her emotions don't seem shallow to me.

How do I break up with her and not hurt her more that is absolutely necessary?
With a non I would have just tell her the news, thank her for everything, let her vent and than go no contact. Do I need to do anything else (except to be ready for charming)?

She is an amazing and talented person, and I know that she loves me and means well, but I just can't do this anymore.
I wish I had found about BPD two or three years ago, while I was willing to work on our relationship. Sadly, at that time I thought that I was the only one causing problems.  
Now I can't even bring myself to read any detailed communication advice. I don't want to put any more effort into this.

We are both bisexual girls, if it matters. Neither of us has children, we don't live together.

We've been dating for 3 years. The first few months were amazing (the 'honemoon' phase), and then the mood swings started.

I always do something to offend her, no matter how hard I try not to (when offended she either cries a lot, or uses poetic emotional language, e.g. "it's like you are sticking black needles into me". i don't know which is worse). And if I don't do anything wrong at the moment, she keeps reminding me how I offended her half a year ago and she "still hasn't recovered". Next day she says that I treat her better than anyone else ever had. In two hours she gets offended again.

She doesn't like some of the moods I can be in. She feels "as if I'm dying inside", so she throws a tantrum so I would snap out of it. She is very spiritual and believes that it is possible to die inside and that most of the people around her have already done so. I still can't label this as completely wrong (maybe I actually am dying inside? but tantrums are clearly not the way to fix it). I feel crazy just for mentioning it.  But she is so talented and enjoys life so much when she is in a good mood. Maybe she is right in some way.

She doesn't let me sleep sometimes because we have to discuss our relationship.

Sex life is strange.
She always talks about how she wants me, but I don't feel that it's genuine (and she stops me when I try to do something to her except cuddling. I have to be on the receiving end). I believe that it was genuine during the honeymoon and then deteriorated (or maybe I was blind).
So I withdraw now most of the time and say I just want to cuddle. She doesn't seem to mind.

She has a blog in which she writes how wrong everyone around is (she usually has a point, though I always wonder why does she stay around those people), how magnificent she is and what a caring and loving person she is.
I fell like she describes the person she wants to be, not the actual state of things.
For example, she goes on and on about how she likes to cook for the loved ones. Do i need to say that when I come over, I always cook, because she is "tired".
(for some reason it really offends me. it shouldn't be a big deal, but it still offends me. everyone around thinks how lucky I am to be with her)

For the last year and a half she started saying that we should break up (about once a month). At first I tried to tell her that I don't want to and I love her, which lead to hours of explaining how awfully had I offended her, how hopeless I am and how she can't live with this.
Now I just reply "okay", she cries, leaves, returns in 5 minutes (or I try to leave and she stops me) and we are able to talk normally after that. It is still unnerving.
Last time she also said that nobody else would ever date me and that I'm hopeless and I think it was the last straw for me. I can't stay in this relationship and still respect myself.

I guess I've stayed till now beacuse I felt that I could magically fix it and she will again become this caring wonderful person I met (not going to happen).
And because I felt that I was the 'broken' one.
Sometimes I still feel as if I am the abuser here (and she is just reacting normally).  And if I could just fix myself, everything will become better.

However, I'm not strong enough to fix anything, it seems.
My health suffers (every single doctor I visited told me to reduce stress), I have quite a few grey hair now (I'm 28! I shouldn't have them yet!), my career is in pieces. I need to worry about myself.

So... .
How do I end this while hurting her as little as possible?
(I don't think I have Stockholm syndrome, but maybe I do  )
Most articles I find online are about getting out at any cost.

[pearlsw]

Hi Thalassa,

This is a good question... .I've been asking this myself and am glad you put it out there. Hopefully others will come along and offer their ideas... .

I often wonder what would happen if I just said "yes" to one of his breakup threats.

What are your fears around this?

wishing you well, pearl.

[schwing]

Hi Thalassa,

I'll try to answer your question.  Although my most serious BPD relationship ended very badly for me, in the years after that primary BPD relationship I dated a few other partners who I suspected of having BPD and I'll share what I've learned that might help you with your situation.

How do I break up with her and not hurt her more that is absolutely necessary?
With a non I would have just tell her the news, thank her for everything, let her vent and than go no contact. Do I need to do anything else (except to be ready for charming)?

If you are more concerned with hurting your BPD loved one more than you yourself will get hurt, then I think the best way to end the relationship is to allow your BPD loved one the opportunity to be the one who ends it.  And by this I mean, allow your BPD loved one to engage in a new relationship before you do.

If you have already decided to disengage from your BPD loved one, chances are she will already sense it intuitively and will either be looking for a new relationship, or will try to draw you in further.  Either way there will be a downside.

Even if she is seeking a new relationship, she will still require you to demonstrate your commitment to her.  Because the BPD fear is not of being alone, but of being left first (i.e. abandoned).  One means by which you can "encourage" your BPD loved one to seek attentions elsewhere is to bore them in your relationship.  Make yourself unavailable.  Excuses might include, choosing work priorities over interpersonal priorities.  For me, in one case I found that I was emotionally unavailable and communicated that I needed to be alone to deal with the aftermath of past relationships.  I would insist that this is what I needed, but neither did I shut myself away from my BPD loved one when she really needed to be with me.

This strategy is difficult because it means you are not being honest to your BPD loved one about your intentions.  It may also mean that you will be dishonest from time to time when you make yourself less (but not completely un-) available to your BPD loved one.  It will mean that you will take the brunt of their criticism and pleas which will be justified and persuasive.

When your BPD loved one tries to draw you in, then you will need to fight with your own ambivalence which must be there if you choose this route.  You still love her enough not to want to hurt her.  And I guarantee you that she will highlight that guilt in order to draw you in.  And you will run the risk that she will find how what it would take to get you to fully re-enage with her back into this relationship.

I always do something to offend her, no matter how hard I try not to (when offended she either cries a lot, or uses poetic emotional language, e.g. "it's like you are sticking black needles into me". i don't know which is worse). And if I don't do anything wrong at the moment, she keeps reminding me how I offended her half a year ago and she "still hasn't recovered". Next day she says that I treat her better than anyone else ever had. In two hours she gets offended again.

Also, you may need to find a way of dealing with all the interactions that make your relationship excruciating.  :)on't get caught in a position where you feel trapped with her.  :)on't let her into your place because there will be times when she will not honor any requests to leave.  You need to be the one who can physically leave any situation you are with her if/when it goes badly.

This is a lot of effort to have to spend in order to exit a relationship.

And chances are in the end, she will still be hurt by you because she will re-imagine your relationship as one in which you hurt her.  So I think it may be impossible to try to end the relationship without any kind of hard feelings either from her or from you.  I don't think that she will appreciate any effort you take to try to minimize her hurt.  On the contrary, I think she will take any effort you take against you and blame you regardlessly.

I think this is why most people recommend a quick and sure termination of a BPD relationship.  As painful as that is, chances are it is less painful than any attempt at an alternative.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Thalassa]

Thank you for the answer, Schwing!

I think completely painless breakups are rare even between two nons, so I don't expect that.
But one can try and make it less painful and easier to heal.

I don't think she will actively cheat until our life becomes absolute hell.
But she has already become closer with some of her friends (she has a little fanclub of sorts after I disengaged, so maybe it will help her.

You have given me a lot to think about.
As much as I love her, I'm not ready for such heroic sacrifice. :D And, knowing myself, it will be hard to avoid re-engaging.
Quick termination it is then.

Is it better (for her) to break the news during "nice" period or after the quarrel? Or doesn't matter?
I know I would be devastated breaking up after the quarrel I started.

[Thalassa]

I often wonder what would happen if I just said "yes" to one of his breakup threats.

What are your fears around this?
 

I can't speak for every BPD, but the chances are he would immediately withdraw it. 
Though I was scared to death the first time I did it (I need to be ready to let go to say something like this).
 
My main fears are
1. spending another two or three years with disordered person just to find out it still didn't work out (surprise!)
2. finding out I am the broken one and she was fine all along
A bit contradictory, I know.

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome Thalassa  

You've certainly come to the right place to be understood and also to find reliable information minus the all too common urban myths that are out there elsewhere.  What you've been experiencing sounds tough on you and I can relate to how you're describing things in your relationship, as will many here.  Behaviour like this can certainly take it's toll on a partner.  I'd imagine you must be feeling quite drained physically and emotionally by what you've had going on.  :)o you have supportive friends/family/a therapist?  It helps to build a support network around yourself as you plan to exit a r/s like this, because despite the fact you're choosing to end it, (as I did), you will still find yourself with mixed emotions about it and a lot to work through afterwards.  We can help with that.  

There is an archived article here which is a guide on how to leave a BPD r/s which you may decide to take a look at, just to see if you can mine anything useful for yourself.  As has been said, no way is going to be easy or pain free for either of you, but with all the information to hand perhaps it is possible to make it somewhat less difficult.   You can access the article here: Leaving a partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

I hope this is helpful in allowing you to consider all of your options.  Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Love and light x

[Aiko]

It will be incredibly difficult. I can only share my experience. I was firm in the breakup, matter of fact, direct. Not after a row, but normal time.  And she still may not undersrand or want to listen and may blame you for everything, and will beg you to keep trying and dismiss her past behavior as trivial and if "you really loved me you will find a way to make this work".She may be extremely emotional beyond description, and yes you even need to be prepared for blackmail,threats, and threats of suicide.  It may even take you multiple times to move through the breakup and makeup cycle if this is the first time.  And after break up day expect a couple days of absolute hate towards you. It is like no other breakup I've ever been through, and like no other healing and recovery I have ever been through.
Good luck, read all you can.  It is extremely exhausting but from the sounds of what you are experiencing it will be worth it somehow.

[Lady Itone]

Great question. I'm a 45 yr old bisexual woman who continuously fails to end things totally with a 31 yr old lesbian pwBPD. I love her but can only handle her in small doses. My last serious attempt at low contact ended up with her going psychotic and having to go to the hospital. Now we've kind of settled on having less of a relationship, she moved a few hours away, and I encourage her to date other people.

You will probably have to break up with her more than once. Imagine the worst reaction she might have then prepare yourself for it. I applaud your compassion towards her as well as yourself.

[valet]

I don't think that there's a best way necessarily. It depends on lot on the dynamic you've already established in the relationship.

Just be honest with your decision and stand firm in it while trying to avoid getting sucked into any theatrics. Chances are you know your partner better than any of us do, so you'll have to take a leap of faith and trust in yourself.

[schwing]

Is it better (for her) to break the news during "nice" period or after the quarrel? Or doesn't matter?

If it happens during a "nice" period, it may be a good initial response but I would expect a massive distortion campaign later.  The key is whether or not you are there to witness and bear the brunt of it.

IMHO, it won't manner in the sense that eventually she will respond to you as though you were the one who betrayed/abandoned her until she no longer focuses on you, at which point you will practically cease to exist to her until/unless she wants something from you.

My main fears are
1. spending another two or three years with disordered person just to find out it still didn't work out (surprise!)
2. finding out I am the broken one and she was fine all along
A bit contradictory, I know.

re:1 unless the disordered person is committed to recovery for their own good, this is going to happen.

re:2 why can't you both be broken, but in different ways?  And "broken" perhaps isn't the best of words.  Both of you can have issues.  It just so happens that those issues are compatible to a degree and for a duration.  She clearly has her issues.  And this relationship you've had with her has given you some insight into your own, which is a good thing. 

It is up to you what you do with that insight.

Don't ignore it though, otherwise you may continue to find similarly "compatible" partners.

Best wishes,

Schwing