I was lost in a 15 year marriage, I have been found

[Loving Warrior]

I have been lost for merely 15 years! Got married around 20s, gorgeous woman, brilliant fluent in languages, sophisticated and so much more. Constant issues, bickering, fighting when going places, long drives, even staying home on sundays. I have always thought it was normal, thought this was my life, thought this was healthy. Was apart of a group for years not understanding why things couldn't get better between my ex and myself. Wondering why I could be so successful in other areas of my life but kept failing in this area. Holding on to the relationship, do to how it would look, what I thought I was loosing, concerned more with material things like a home, rather than being Happy inside!

Thank Heaven my only 1 child has shown a light on my life and the dynamic of my ex and me. It has gotten to the point where I will Father our child the way I want to, on my watch wether the ex likes it or not. Nothing has ever been right, always to blame, when coming home from work never know what I am walking into, constant hypocrisy, blame, assumptions, criticism and so so much more. My running joke to my ex was "I am evening blamed for your bowel movements and I don't feed you, don't make your food and sure as heck don't digest you food so why would I be blamed for how they come out".

 I have years of stories, years of pain, years of frustration wanting to make something work when in reality it is what it is! I am thankful to a family member for leading me here and am glad to meet people who understand me, who have went thru or are going thru the same thing. Separation has started, divorce is just around the bend and there is no going back, "let's let it all go in the wind because this is no way to live a life"

 I have wanted mediation, wanted to co-parent our child together wanted to be peaceful and there is nothing but noise all the time from the ex! The way I look at it with our child is they either see our dynamic and at 8 our child is looking at me saying, "what do you really know Dad, how can I trust you Mom doesn't" , or our child is 15 and want's to go to a movie and mom says oh let them go and I say No they go with friends" and I end up being the bad guy I already see that and they are already 7 years old. At least alone our child will see sane household and see not sane house hold 50% of the tine. They will see me not judging people, loving people, excepting people... .oh wait thought that was in marriage... .well not in mine for decade and a half, habing friends around, laughing, adventure, teaching our child that there are no problems only solutions, not freaking out, problem solving and so so so much more. I am looking for others in my situation.

 I have read about a couple men in similar situations of 15 years and are hunkering down and staying in it for the kids or so it seems. I give you much praise and respect and we all need to do what we need to do. Trusting my gut in the last year has never felt so good and I won't go back to any other way. I have been informed that need to become a professional in dealing with this because I will be coparenting a child for many more years and need to learn to survive, not get pulled in, hold my ground no matter the threats, stay strong, stay encouraged and let 99% of the noise and drama just go out of my life and thru my life when it is going on.

 I can't and won't let it stick anymore. It has been weighing me down for years! I look forward to being a encouragement to others since I am going thru the divorce process, will share what I know with others, would also like some guidance on interacting on a daily basis with ex as we Co parent and really want to find MYSELF again. Any suggestions there would be greatly appreciated. Look forward to sharing, learning and growing as a person I am Proud to be!

[clytie]

Hello Loving Warrior,
I know how you feel. I am so sorry. I had been with my BPD ex for 21 years (14- year-marriage). We have a son (7). We got divorced last September.

Our r/s was full of hot-cold games, he constantly blamed me for everything and abused me. Then I started to react and everything went crazy.

I have been keeping no contact to heal and get rid of his influence on me. I have learned that he told many lies, cheated on me several times. What is worse when I learned all of these, his reaction was more abusive. He said I was a bad woman, bad mother and deserved all of them. He still sees his last affair. He thinks he has found his soulmate this time and madly in love. He has even opened an instagram account for her and declares his love for her and his indifference for me. This is so painful. My No Contact also makes him more brutal against me. Then, he has stopped trying to communicate with me and when he want to share sth about our son, he texts my mother.

We arrange the dates when he can see our son. He sees him every two weeks during the weekend. I never talk about him to my son. I let my son call his father whenever he wants to. I try not to think about what they do when they are together. I dont do co-parenting, but parallel parenting. And it really works for now.

Our entire life was full blaming, humiliation and chaos but I couldn't realize it clearly until I went NC. I thought he loved me more than anything and he would be honest no matter what. It is very very painful to realize that I have lived an illusion for 21 years. But I am less stressful and more peaceful right now. Although I miss him and feel sorry, I have started the realize that  I can use my capacity more now. This journey tells me that I should love myself and share my life with people  who respects me. I also should be a good role model for my son. He should learn people have boundaries and we should respect them.

Good luck with your  new life. Best wishes

Clytie

[Go]

I think us 'hard timers' (22 years before we split and 5 kids) get it, particularly with hanging in for the kids and perhaps to a very unrealistic dream of a one day happy family.   We SO know what it is like to suffer through years of 'things being far from perfect'.  In fact utterly terrible bordering on living in hell many days.   It speaks much to your tenacity and above all deep backbone and kindness, to keep a BPD partner in your life for so long and might I say out of trouble, to others and themselves, particularly offspring.

Since my wife has split, ran away with another fellow, sadly a repeat performance of earlier efforts, she has just gone down hill at a rate of knots that would make your head spin.  Her new partner is not nourishing to her in the least, perhaps other than her all important ego.  She is currently on meds for off the chart blood pressure, is overweight, teeth gone, just in a terrible mess and continuing to go down hill.  If it was not such a trajedy of epic proportions, it would make for a very entertaining read if one were into horror publishing that is.

Fortunately the children are with me entirely and now have been for heading on 4 years.  They are different people entirely now, relaxed, sense of humor, loving kind, considerate and most importantly good friends with each other.   My divorce is very much underway.  I have taken on a professional university trained and 20 year experienced counsellor this week.  I am moving on at last... .for good... .I think after 26 years I am well and truly ready for learning to be me, then in time with some better skills than round 1, perhaps someone nice and sane.

On the terrible flip side, if I could, I admit I would have her back warts and all in a heartbeat.  But now I couldn't not for my kids sake.  They deserve so much more and better in their lives.  Being in love with trouble is just crazy, it makes utterly zero sense, but the impossible dream and false images of loveliness that one paints of another is ridiculous, but very real in ones mind, fired up by just the smallest kindness, know matter how rare, let alone something akin to genuine intimacy... .so very motivating none the less.  I guess being lonely too, really turns up the intensity.  My life is that as I have to work hard to get my kids through university now, but I think it will be worth it come 5 years from now and looking back at what has been achieved.  My wife would have thrown them all out the door, which was above all the straw that broke the camels back... .aside from the affair that is LOL not.  Heavens (light comes on) that is how they do it, never thought of that before... .first they take a fairly well balanced kind, caring person and progressively isolate you from your core support structure of healthy friends, then wear you down, until you are, where I was 3 weeks ago, one of my very lowest points ever, but having to face the reality of not being ever able to rescue this person.  Venus and Mars... .lets just say Mercury and Pluto shall we.

My first visit is on Thursday with my pysch. to begin working on my dodgy wiring, then with some things rerouted in my brain and able to at last communicate with my heart, let go for good and learn new techniques for dealing with driving myself to be my very very best, without it being for just someone I adore in my life, the reason for life itself.  I loved my wife very much.  There I said it... .loved.  I have not said that in 26 years.  I have been faithful and good and surely I have learnt to be patient as one of my friends said, surely the most patient person I have ever met. 
It has taken a while, but just getting over some very hurtful revelations of late... .well it is overdue that I let go once and for all.   All this now so very much on the nose and an utter embarrassment to my poor kids.  I feel so bad I married someone that could hurt them so badly.  3 out of 5 don't speak to her anymore and the 2 others have now backed down to very cursory efforts at best, border line monosyllabic in answering text messages from her.

Sadly my ex just does not get it... .perhaps never will.   She has gravitated to who she has become a deeply self serving, self centred now not just too often BPD, but pretty much full on narcissist, but still meets the BPD criteria because she just has no deep cognitive clue of the pain she inflicts on all around her, she is now truly toxic, as much to herself as to others. 

I mourn for her.  I find myself reaching out, when I should just say, you are truly disgusting and walk away, or now me finding middle ground, not judging, but simply forgiving and closing this door, reboot and reprogramming myself to step away forever. 

So that is how it goes... .if you take that route.  I was very lucky I ended up with my kids, many don't.  I do know what you can do, for both yourself and your partner.  Like you we keep trying new and innovative ways and occasionally succeed in spades at least for a while.  For your own self, then try to be a principle centred person and cling to higher values, when you feel you are being pulled off centre and retain high moral ground (but redouble your kindness, as you will just seem like you are bing arrogant)  Remember you are dealing with a 5 year olds ego here, very literally.  The slightest thing can have her crying inside but outside she will be a full woman sized tantrum.  Above all try to extend love and kindness, even when it is not deserved.  Try to maintain friendships with others, couples is the best... .which can help to build healthy examples into her life of how relationships should be and being competitive might bring out some positives. 

Maintain lots of intimacy, back rubs, foot rubs, feet up on the couch during a movie.  Date weekly and little surprises to work their magic as they will for anyone with a heart.  BPD often have huge hearts, they just take a bit of finding on occasion.  Both before and after intimacy, put in quality time before and after if you get my drift.  This will make a lot of difference. 

Good luck and be strong.  Counselling can be a two edged sword.  In my wifes case she found a quack (not professionally trained) and he did way more harm than good.  Try to find someone that specialises in BPD.  The investment (if you can possible afford it) may make all the difference.  Couples counselling too may be a way to ease into this also.   State that it is not fault identification, but learning techniques for a better way to communicate. 

I greatly respect your deep dedication, as many of us here do.  My prayers and sincere wishes.  I hope my spectrum of things, will shead some light onto your complex but very beautiful yet deeply complex love.  Post when things get too much and you will get replies.  There may be some gems of knowledge in there for you, that will make each day a little better.  You can feel great about who you are, whether you hold firm or whether you walk away.  Neither is wrong. Looking back on my life of 26 years, I can only say I am proud of my efforts, deeply proud of the young man I once was, who desperately wanted to escape, but redoubled his efforts year after year and I am now blessed with 5 gorgeous kids who are healthy and loving.  I think despite the challenges they have faced, they are wiser, certainly kinder and very understanding in a way I was not for many years.  For that reason, I am now deeply grateful for my ex BPD who brought out much that is of value in my character and I would hope with each year now, learn to apply those hard won characteristics to greater and better tasks in others lives and in doing find again my centre also and regain full joy in my life. 
Regards,
Go

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LW, Like Go, I'm a "hard timer" and spent 16 years married to my BPDxW.  I lost myself for a while there, so I can relate to your experience.  I forgot who I was, which was not fun.  Now I'm back on my path, which is a relief.  These days, I strive to be authentic after years of pretending in my marriage.

LuckyJim

[Speck]

 

I am so sorry that you have tasted this kind of pain.  It truly sucks.

You do seem to seem to be looking at things with eyes wide open, and that is very good.

After my uBPDw left me this last time, I came to the conclusion that divorce is the only answer to getting off the roller coaster.  We have been together for 10 total years, married for 8 years, and she left me 4 times.  That's just bad math... .

I, too, wished for a loving wife with whom to share the end of my days, but that dream died over and over and over.  I tried so hard to make her happy and to provide a safe and loving home for her and our kid, but my efforts were never enough, and her efforts were nonexistent.

My uBPDw just rode the gravy train until her internal buzzer went off, and now she's gone again onto her next shiny object, like a raccoon on crack.  So... .since her vows were meaningless, and since she has no capacity for fostering a deep, mature love reserved for long-time life partners, the only thing a sensible person can do at this juncture is Let Her Go.

You're in the right place, friend.  Welcome!

-Speck

[Go]

Oh, Speck, you have soo made my day. (note a little lower down the page)  I was so happy today but at the same time somewhat in the pits again.  What complex feelings.   Took my youngest to start college today and it was just me.  It was always me even 10 years ago, whether it was taking to ballet my little and progressively bigger girl or BB training or weekend games for my son or pretty much anything... .it was always just me.  She would get hideous, if she had to drive one of the kids (even half way and meet me) just because I was caught up at work, actually trying to feed everyone as one does.

Never the less, sent photos to my ex BPD/w soon to be VERY ex wife.  It was a fitting moment to conclude our relationship in some ways. 
She did have her odd shining moments... .and thought she should get some joy from all this despite being 10,000 miles away from any responsibility, but particularly again took pity,  since she has been very sick of late, so foolish me allowing myself to get sucked into this bottomless vacuum. Still totally my fault.  Got to stop now and just walk away, once and for all.  No more emails to her.

Me always trying to save someone that runs away from responsibility faster than an emu with a kangaroo dog on its tail.  Well this old hound is now about done with that.  Lonely is tough, but has to be faced down, as really I have been deeply lonely for 26 years now, not being able to relate to somebody that just abuses continuously despite my very best efforts.   My 1st counselling session tomorrow.
Oh this WILL be very interesting indeed, though perhaps not rocket science, but rather hoping to glean some very useful techniques to get the head back in control of the heart for once.  No can't have her back... .she is a massive disaster.  The kids are so much better off and I will be too. 

Can't believe I am still here after over 3 years since she left.  I guess 3 years of patent lies from her, has not helped, and more recently at least all the new hell is now fully out in the open.  Now I can fully implement damage control.  I still shake my head, how far some people can go. 

I spoke to a lovely lady today who is now VERY single.  She said her ex Mother in law used to allow her son to swap cars with her, so he could go and date other women.  Wow!  Aiding and abetting low.  Then he used to come home and physically beat on her.  What utter scum.  We are clearly not the only ones to have truly suffered it seems.  Some of us here have no doubt received our share of scars too, in their multitude of forms.  At least here we are safe, understood and can pause to regain our strength and with it the determination to let go and move on.  Thank you all for what you share, so openly and honestly.  It gives me more determination and more strength to finally Go, 
Regards Go.   

So love what you said about "Raccoon on Crack".  Talk about quotable quotes.
We have these things called Tasmanian Devils here, chew through solid bone with ease and always walking along grumbling and appear intensely angry about something and get into a fight at seconds notice.  Remind you of anybody at all?  Yeah, that was mine too.  That and would not take logical advice.  Absolute walking disaster.  Walked into a brick wall again... .who is responsible for always moving that wall in front of me.  Ended up chewing away too much flesh and bone off this kindly zookeeper.   Tis enough.  No more.
Regards to everyone here... .you are all a great bunch... .thanks for all you share.
Go

[JasonBreed]

If it weren't for the fact that you were in a 15 year marriage, instead of 30 years like me, I would believe that I had written this.  But last night, the final act.  I crossed the bridge and declared my freedom.  I will blow that sucker up now... .no going back.

Strength to you!  I get strength as well from your post and all the others that have responded.  Life is to valuable to not be happy.

[Speck]

We have these things called Tasmanian Devils here, chew through solid bone with ease and always walking along grumbling and appear intensely angry about something and get into a fight at seconds notice.

Tasmanian Devil = Raccoon on Meth.


-Speck