Is your partner diagnosed? How have they responded? A somewhat amusing story...

[BasementDweller]

My partner was diagnosed many years ago when he was having a lot of difficulties in life due to what he thought was simply "anger management" issues, due to his BPD mom's treatment of him -  she was violent and verbally and psychologically abusive as well, all througout his childhood.

He went into therapy, and after some tests and a psychological assessment, he was also diagnosed with BPD. I did not know him yet, as this was quite some years ago. He completed a course of therapy and considered himself "cured" - but he didn't really accept the BPD diagnosis, because he hated to think he had "turned out like his mother", and also thought that because she beat her children and he doesn't, that he couldn't have BPD.

When things began to get rough in our relationship, the subject came up, and I dared to tell him that I suspected he did in fact have BPD, as he was disregulating all over the place, and he fit all of the criteria except one: Self mutilation.

He wasn't pleased, but decided to go voluntarily to a therapist for a consultation. After chatting with her for two visits, her never running any tests, and possibly with him also being on "good behavior", she told him he didn't show any signs of BPD. He came home and proudly announced that he did not have BPD, and was "fine". After he got this assurance, he never went back to see this particular person again.

I said nothing about that, but asked him if he agreed that we had some serious conflict resolution issues in our relationship, and might benefit from couples' counseling. He agreed to this, so we made an appointment to start EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy, for those not familiar.)

When I made the appointment, I included in the email that my partner had previously been diagnosed with BPD, and may deny that, or be difficult or resistant to therapy. (He tried to back out before the first appointment, but ended up going, and now really enjoys the sessions.)

The therapist emailed back and told me that he would be happy to meet with us, but that BPD can be very difficult to work with, because of those reasons - sometimes the patients are in denial, or are too emotionally labile to be able to respond well to therapy. He said that he was not at all opposed to seeing him, but if he became aggressive, violent, or overly disruptive, he would not be able to continue to see him and would have to refer him elsewhere, possibly the authorities if violence was involved.

I agreed.

The very first session, he walked in, sat down, and immediately announced that we were there because he has BPD and cannot control himself.   

I nearly fell over.

The T handled it like a champ, and said, "Let's not focus on labels. We'll just address the emotional difficulties, how about that?" That went over very well and he's been responding very well to the counseling.

Whew!

My jaw nearly dropped to the floor when he blurted out about the BPD. I guess he finally realized that recognizing it was the first step to getting help? He has had some emotional breakdowns in the sessions, but not really rude or abusive. Mostly feeling shame and sadness over some things that have happened, but expressing relief that he can start addressing this.

How were other people's experiences with this? How did you handle it if they responded poorly to the diagnosis? Has anyone had good experiences with "atypical" therapy for people with BPD? (Like EFT, or other types that are not the first line treatments for BPD?)

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[pearlsw]

Hi BasementDweller,

Wow! How considerate and helpful of you to share this story with us. My "h" goes back and forth over whether he agrees he has BPD traits and wants to get help for it. I am hoping to find out soon whether he is going to get some help with this. We'll see... .I can my relationship busting apart this year if something big isn't done. I do all I can, but it just may not be enough.

Are you feeling hopeful that the therapy can make a difference? Have you noticed any changes so far? What is your partner's attitude in general towards the therapy and it is hard to maintain that approach?

thanks again, pearl.

[Beren2016]

Hi.

it sounds like your partner has made good progress in acknowledging that, it sounds like something he was struggling to accept for a long time.

My girlfriend, who has BPD, was the total opposite. she struggles alot with a lack of identity and in her early therapy the diagnosis was important to her as it gave her a "label" and helped her with having some form of concrete thing she could say was personally "her"   

[BasementDweller]

Hi, pearl! The changes have been positive, and rather quick. I think may partner reached a point in his life where his happiness and trying to save it became more important to him than just "sweeping the issu under the rug". He's lost a lot, and alienated a lot of people in his life due to his emotional dysregulation, and I believe he reached a point where he was ready to reverse that trend. He is doing well in the sessions, and his emotional state and conflict resolution abilities have dramatically improved already. I know there is still work to be done, but it's a good start! We haven't been bickering for over a month now, and I have been really applying the validation tools, and avoiding JADE - and that has helped a lot as well. How have things been for you lately?


Hi, beren! I think your girlfriend's reaction isn't uncommon. Sometimes it can be a strange sort of comfort to have a name to attach to all the struggles you have been having, and a reason for them. Just knowing what has been causing the problems, and having something to address. A lot of people might also feel some relief knowing they weren't just "being difficult" - but there is a genuine reason for their dysregulation. How is she doing with the therapy now?
 

[flourdust]

I'm glad that went much better than expected!

My experience ... .and a cautionary note for you ... .is to be wary of his instability.

At the next appointment, he might declare he doesn't have BPD.

Or he had BPD, but it's cured.

Or you have BPD.

Or he has BPD, and because it's an illness, he's not responsible for his actions, and you are the one who needs to change.

And so on.

It's like the weather. Right now, you have a favorable wind. Use it to sail for safe harbor, but be aware the wind could change, or a storm could come up... .

[BasementDweller]

Hi, flourdust!

Oh, worry not, hahaha... .I have all those things in the back of my mind. I'm well aware that there is a lot of work to be done, and a lot of old traumas to grapple with, but I am happy (cautiously optimistic, perhaps) about the current positive changes. Baby steps!

But I know that there could be any manner of unpredictable events looming on the horizon. 

Apologies for all the typos in my last post. I really wish this board had a built in spell check. I'm a terrible typist, and can appear illiterate if I type too fast... .