I let go of my BPD ex. I'm so lost.

[Whoad]

I let go of my BPD ex... Monday a week ago. Made the decision to remove the items for my life. It was hard with little girls stuff, and reading her diary entry on kids diary. I knew I meant a great deal.

But I’m lost. I have hard time now and sensitive to let’s say. My emotional state is fragile. During the last couple years. I had a good freind become a great freind. I was there for her in her crises. In turn she was there for me, and was insightful.

During the last 9 months I sensed I was being treated like a boyfreind, doing the boyfreind things. Going shopping for clothes with her, helping her make life’s little choices, eating together, cooking together occasionally. She had surgery and I was the one watching over her in her home.

I was confused to say the least because I felt she liked me, maybe a bit more. But she would make comments about guys, etc... I would at times also make comments about gals, and she would chastise my choice... in a joking way.

Well one day recently I stood my ground, boundary placement, told her how I felt and that I take kindly, be subjected to hearing about the boy who makes her food, and gives her a discount.  I am jealous - I know it. She likely did too. And for the better term we connected- but she is guarded emotionally.  This is agonizing slow.

I know we love each other.  There is actions by me the times I am with her, being kind, loving, patient with her.  She reciprocates some of it. But then at times she is “off” like helping her down off a high counter she was more than willing to let me help her down.  But then the next day... nothing like don’t touch me... ( as we all know that hurts, because it feels like being discarded, devalued)  The whatever we call this is so new I am afraid and lost to say hey why do you this, because I have all these signals being crossed. It’s like I want a to have a relationship- no I don’t... ughhhh

We get along, and as you all well know moving someone is stressful. I was never stressed this past week, except these inconsistencies. She stated this was the most stress free move she ever had. We hugged she said thank you so much, I told her it was honor that I let helped her move. She was then wierded out., I began feeling discarded, and now used. She ushered me out the door, and then I told her I care a lot for you and please don’t treat me like something you leave around.

I texted her shortly after ... seemed it was normal.  But yesterday not phone call, not a text... nada.  She is not quick on text reply’s to anyone. Maybe it’s that generation...

I feel used. That I was led along to be a mule. But she has never done this to me before in the previous move to here. I and several friends moved her here.
I also feel discarded. I find myself, going nuts thinking did I miss the abuse train. She has baggage as well a victim of an assault and being cheated on, and the last 2 yr boyfreind ( ghosted her). I was there for her. When my exBPD got married I cried in her arms.

So I’m confused as hell trying to not overthink, be a detective, be pushy, clingy, etc... I like this girl a whole hell of a lot. I want the communication to flow. I think she is scared the ex will be allowed back... ( she will not no matter what), but she is afraid to get close as well because I am very nice guy, loving to those I deeply care about, and likely not like any boyfreind she has had. I am giving her space, if she has feelings and needs to sort them. My freind whom has had ex with BPD, and now in healthy relationship. Stated it is thing we are not used too. That that the new relationship will be slow, and time is what is needed. His partner said she was the same way. Put him off and not talk to him, because she didn’t want to be hurt, she said she tested him, to see his if he was real, not just out for a hookup.  It took a few months. It was reassuring but my self doubt is eating me.

I’m lost as to how to handle myself and not project my fears and insecurities about being devalued and discarded... this is not BPD thing anymore and I am wounded and know it...

I am reading the workshop skills. But my head is spinning... any advice that has helped you folks that is not in the workshop... I know I have to heal... I am doing it...

[Meili]

The thing that helped me the most was to accept the pain that I felt and just allowed myself to feel it without trying to control it. At the same time, I also sought out new experiences and tried new things. These weren't just "keep busy" things either. I started trying things that I've wanted to do for about 40 years.

The grieving process is slow. Things take time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Whoad,  Fill us in a little.  You let go of your BPDx a week ago, but you have also been seeing someone else for the last nine months, which started as a friendship but now is something more?  Do I have that right?  One week is a relatively short time in which to heal if you just "let go" of your pwBPD.  How long were you in a BPD r/s?  I suggest you try to let things unfold naturally with your new friend.  Maybe it will turn into something meaningful, or maybe not, and either outcome is OK, from my point of view.  If your emotional state is fragile, maybe you might consider taking some time out from dating?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Whoad]

Meili:

My journey begins by eliminating every trace of good memory or bad from my home. I am changing my life, removing my life pre and present life with her. I have today sent the only package she will get.

I’m going to do new things, and look for interests and startup interests I let pass by...

Lucky Jim:

The friendship was there 8 years ago, just activity buds...

The friendship, which was Ok we do things together, but since my separation from my exBPD and her then getting married—it  has changed- we are closer. I was asked to be included more in my freinds decisions, and activities in life- almost like boyfreind, ( which is confusing) - she has spoken to her mom about me and my now ex...

I am healing, it will be a process- I’m no hurry to get hitched or anything, I need me time, and explore my own feeling as to what happened to me.

My BPD relationship was 8 yrs total as of this month. I had dreams of her since I was 11... never met face to face till 2010-  She was married when we met but separated. I tried for years to secure her divorce but always an excuse. So 6 great years, where I did not see the signs, just what I thought were quirks. No ST, no nastiness... but the last two two episodes, a stressor, a devaluation, a run away with ST, threat of marriage to another, social media manipulation, and then one return to home 2.5 months. This last episode, she got divorced after meeting him a month. Then she got married one week after her divorce was final... she has not returned it been since late June and I have now said “ I’m done”, her marriage hurt the most, I was so in love still wanted her to get help - but action that killed my soul.i realize it is all punishment, for whatever she FELT was wronged . it took me awhile to come to terms, to remove hope.

My freind has helped- she has  been patient not pushed, not told me to let her go. But in her own way she became closer to me. Trust is building. I’m trying very hard to just let it flow not push. it so hard because BPD is so immediate... the work was done - we just fall in love, they know us, and feed us that we desire most... I soo get that! But that’s bad...

My gut feeling with “ A”is to see where it goes. She is hurt from the relationship she was last in, she was ghosted aka ST... prior to that another relationship, and before that a long term that included him cheating on her and possible assault in the worst way. So she has some things she is working through. I am patient not in a hurry, communication will be key, and has to be clear. I am great guy... I don’t feel like dating, I rather see where we lead each other. I would like to see it work... we shall see...

Funny thing. We (she ) had to run errands, she offered to drop me off at my car, I said I was fine hanging with her. She parked in front of my ex’s previous employer. She goes oh sorry I know you don’t like these people... I said I don’t care, what they say to who. It’s done it over I fear nothing they say will bother me, because I will not let them back in my life. She smiled and told me to come with her.

[Meili]

That's great to hear Whoad!

What kinds of things do you have planned?

[Skip]

I’m lost as to how to handle myself and not project my fears and insecurities about being devalued and discarded... this is not BPD thing anymore and I am wounded and know it...

I am reading the workshop skills. But my head is spinning... any advice that has helped you folks that is not in the workshop... I know I have to heal... I am doing it...

Hi Whoad. Glad to see you posting. Please hang in there and work this!

Before you put your heart into this new relationship, I think you should take some time and do some unpacking of your own stuff. This women sounds patient and not demanding and sounds like she will be cool to just be activity buds and that is a great thing to have.  You need a stable life to stand on and sort this last relationship out.

Your relationship with your ex might have been a rebound relationship - those are as confusing as hell. Your attraction to this new lady may also be the same.

It sounds like she knows that and the risks. Do you think this is going on?

[Whoad]

Hi Whoad. Glad to see you posting. Please hang in there and work this!

Before you put your heart into this new relationship, I think you should take some time and do some unpacking of your own stuff. This women sounds patient and not demanding and sounds like she will be cool to just be activity buds and that is a great thing to have.  You need a stable life to stand on and sort this last relationship out.

Your relationship with your ex might have been a rebound relationship - those are as confusing as hell. Your attraction to this new lady may also be the same.

It sounds like she knows that and the risks. Do you think this is going on?

I might agree with you Skip, my marriage was failing, and I  then met my BPD ex... the  other (now) girl knew my wife  as well.  But yes, we started out —I thought slow but it bloomed and then it took me 9 months for a divorce from my wife... I realize know what had happened... so yes likely rebound with BPD ex. Several months after that I moved my ex BPD in kids in tow... rescuer...

I am now trying to unpack my life... I am making changes, clearing my old lives out of my life... things I don’t use, or remind me...

Which goes to baggage to unpack, well> why was I attracted— failing marriage, settled for freindship that was ok but safe... needs of love, sex, and lack ability to have kids... caused the downward progression. ( major gender health issues on her, and I got to the point we couldn’t and can’t have kids.) so doomed... (m in law said that was why) ( feel out of love)

I was attracted to 1- the dreams I had of this woman, since I was 11... lucid dreams, filled with love.
2- it was so easy, I didn’t have to work - she got me, I read her thoughts/ she read mine... we literally finished sentences within days of meeting.
3- i was in love. Hard. Recurring dreams and so real, and she would have exact dreams. ( I tested her more than once)
4- sex. Holy crap...
5- excitement all those years no complacency.
6- we worked together so well, like two peas in a pod... we did great things for others- with little credit to us.
7- i definitely thought we are meant to be together forever.

I am hoping this not this same with my freind. I worry, about rebound, attracting another PD. She is not seems, pushing the envelope, we are becoming closer, I feel.

I have heard “I love you” escape her mouth. ( it was not freind love you) But we both love each other as freinds .

I am afraid to go tell her the same  yet, I really do like her and I think about her most of the day. I am letting my actions speak.

However her being a millennial, is confusing due to her lack text communications, however when together we are talking... I send message and don’t get response maybe for hours... that drives me nut... but she does it her mom and freinds as well.

I do believe she knows the risks. I think that is what she is cautious.  She is aware and seen the instances of BPD attacks at her... and my sharing of the crap I was dealt. She seemed yesterday to be happy I didn’t care if my ex’s bosses saw me with her, it bothered me in the past and  she recognized it. She was cool.  She has had sound advice.

I told her yesterday how much I had got done eliminating the stuff out of my life, she then seemed sad I would have it done before she could help me... she genuinely wants to help me... so I am backing down from that fury of disposal. I want her to help me, I want to spend time with her. I know we need our time apart to heal. Her from whatever wounds... me to accept that it happened, and to love me and what know what I do want...

I want someone to love me the same as I love me. To accept my flaws, quirks, strengths as a whole being whom deserves the best from others.  I give them my love without expectations of return of buy in... I don’t want to calculate if this then that. Screw that stuff.

I like getting to know this woman, cooking an occasional meal. Eating out... hanging out. (M generation) . There is no dating it seems... I like doing stuff and she likes to travel, so maybe new things is Airbnb or rock climbing. Our activities in new locations, etc...

To Meili:  I have actually gone to sport events, participating and then stuck around talked, drank a little bit and went home when I wanted... not worried about what crap happened while I was away. ( I was a loner show up and then leave)

I thought recently about river kayaking.-  I think LOL

There is two instances that being a 1 car family was not good, but... my freind and I took the opportunity to get together for and meet up, drop off cars for shuttles, and the do our thing, each time these trips happened a ER visit happened at home with the kids, and my freinds were utilized for transport... it sucked I felt bad. This won’t be happening again, and maybe our trips will produce more time.
 
So one day at time...

[Whoad]

Wow... I was reading the board on distorted thinking. Oh boy... I see several of these in me right now.

I am self aware, and will work these out... I need to realize that yes, I am so definitely flawed after this as well.

I identified labeling, mental filter, over generalization, and jumping to conclusions- clearly.

It is actually twofold. My life changed dramatically last year in April... and that event couple with the actions of my ExBPD... really set the tone.

Those events have these distortions in two parts of my life... I see it and now can work on it. Son of ... .got work to do on me...



On positive note. My gal freind  came to get me when my car acted up - 60 mile round trip —1st person I called... though my mood was somber

[Whoad]

Well, I have my house almost cleaned out of the belongings. The belongings aren’t the bigger deal... except her daughters

But. It was sending the legal, photos, her cats ashes, and thing that I knew were important. I had tracking put on, and know when it was picked up. When the text came in from USPS, I was profoundly sad, and started balling, for about an hour- I was sad, relieved but so sad. It hurt me. I know I truly loved her with all my being, when my dad died when I was young I was sad... but this sad is different.

I also found the house key, she was never coming back. The games the thoughts, the manipulation online, etc... were all tactics to what end.

I am remodeling my bathroom... that is new. I have removed the sheetrock and will be doing a cedar install. Then I will paint the bathroom a nice off white... should be nice, and relatively cheap... (I used to work construction 25 yrs ago... )

[Meili]

Yeah man, the sadness is profound. I found the crying to be cathartic and when all of the stuff was finally gone, a sense of cleansing after the sadness started to go away. (It took me over 1.5 years to bring myself to delete her emails and pictures). Do you have any feeling of renewal yet?

It's great that you are remodeling the bathroom. I've done my fair share of remodeling. Bathrooms were always a pain for me though. Hopefully, it will go smoothly for you.

What's after the remodel?

[Whoad]

Yeah man, the sadness is profound. I found the crying to be cathartic and when all of the stuff was finally gone, a sense of cleansing after the sadness started to go away. Do you have any feeling of renewal yet?

No not yet... I feel like the ball has yet drop. She is clever like velociraptor. But, maybe out of sight —out of mind...

What's after the remodel?i am not sure, my pottery wheel needs some work, and I need to throw

[Meili]

What are you worried that she might do?

We have an Advisor here who likes to do art, including pottery, as a creative and therapeutic outlet. I have taken to photography and videography as mine. I think that your getting back into pottery is an awesome idea. When was the last time that you did it?

[Whoad]

What are you worried that she might do?

We have an Advisor here who likes to do art, including pottery, as a creative and therapeutic outlet. I have taken to photography and videography as mine. I think that your getting back into pottery is an awesome idea. When was the last time that you did it?

What do all BPD do... smear, stalk, harass, charm, etc... she did quite a number on me before she left. I have her blocked or removed on social media I have...

A couple months ago... made a few pots, I’m waiting to get new flywheel, ( my centers are not center, a wonk in the flywheel is causing out of balance issues) and then work on some more mugs, pitchers, yarn bowls... amazingly I found rubber alphabet stamps in her crafts, I will use them to get a bit creative. 

The bathroom is done, and I love it... just needs that paint- no artistic endeavors there. LOL

[Zen606]

I have 3 months of NC under my belt and in general I feel great about it. However sometimes, feelings of missing the bp trait ex creep in and I miss him. I accept these feelings and just feel them, then they pass. Sometimes I need to look at the whole picture, of the red flags I saw all along that I did not pay attention to because it felt so good to be treated so well in general. Once I see the whole picture I get grounded. One day there will not be a need to look at the whole picture any more!
Zen606

[Zen606]

Hi Whoad,
Pottery can be so relaxing and therapeutic. So important to have something that we can plunge into not just when we are recovering from a relationship such as you describe, or the one I experienced,
but always because these interests give meaningfulness and purpose to our lives. They are like companions through life. I embroider art pieces, have been for years, and its not only relaxing, I do some of my best thinking while doing this.
Zen606 

[Bo123]

I'm confused about this new girl, but support you in keeping active.  Maybe I missed it but are you seeing a T?  If not NOW is the time to do it, they can keep you on track and have you work on things you may have buried but not realized and it's better to deal with them and not have them appear again.  Good Luck.

[Whoad]

Yes, have been swing my T, since the first episode the other episode in 16. He stated I had better grasp of BPD and the effects it has had on me.

Our last visit, he stated that, overall, our visits would decrease, maybe 1 every three months. He never encouraged nor discouraged my wishes for the relationship. He simply listened , provided insights I may have missed.

My issues now, are not treating possible romantic interests like they have a PD. I am aware, and step back and evaluate what I am seeing and saying. It will be the hardest journey.

It’s me time.

The new girl, she is nice, kind, I will see where it goes. I like her a lot, I know she likes me, but I sense a fear of being hurt so she is cautious.  My actions have been clear, and she is having a hard time accepting nice freind type gestures, like giving her a piece of counter remnant  to complete a project. She got upset, was happy but didn’t understand what I would do that.  (She gave me the measurement to look for while buying my bathroom remodel material, so I bought a apiece. It’s not like I made her project. She said she didn’t know what to say... I told her say “thank you”.

 Apparently she does not like people doing things for her.

[Skip]

she is having a hard time accepting nice friend type gestures, like giving her a piece of counter remnant  to complete a project. She got upset, was happy but didn’t understand what I would do that... .

Whoad, you are getting a lot of signals from her that you on not on the same page. It's easy to not be on the same page when we are fresh out of an emotional relationship. It was just a few weeks ago you were burning a candle for your ex and her children... .

She said she didn’t know what to say... I told her say “thank you”.  Apparently she does not like people me doing things for her.

You, and I say this with much respect, sound to be on the rebound and pouring a lot of your unrequited love for your ex in the new girls direction... .it's easy to do... .it usually doesn't end well. Why do I think rebound? Look at the title of this thread 

Can you tell what she responds well too and what she doesn't respond well to?

[Whoad]

Whoad, you are getting a lot of signals from her that you on not on the same page. It's easy to not be on the same page when we are fresh out of an emotional relationship. It was just a few weeks ago you were burning a candle for your ex and her children... .

You, and I say this with much respect, sound to be on the rebound and pouring a lot of your unrequited love for your ex in the new girls direction... .it's easy to do... .it usually doesn't end well. Why do I think rebound? Look at the title of this thread 

Can you tell what she responds well too and what she doesn't respond well to?

Yup that’s why I have backed away... I no longer go to her house, and I don’t initiate any text. I am being polite and friendly, I felt too that I misinterpreted some signals. I have not seen her since Saturday. 

If she wants something more, it will be her move, if not then I guess it’s not meant to be... I’m not going to play signals.

I’m being cautious as well...

The remnant, I don’t get, she was mad it was bought, but know she wants to include me in the construction of her project. I will help but not do it for her.

No I can’t tell, what she responds too.

 I know that she does not like is  when people do something nice for her. She never lets anyone take care of dinner, lunch. She won’t let people give her things and she demands they be paid for the gesture.  A pair boots given to her for instance that didn’t fit her freind  after a body change, she was insistent that she pay for them. She pissed the freind off. She got over it, but it is odd.

She does not know how to let it go.  I have done nice things in the past for her, and never had a response like the last, we usually split or shared cost, gas, food, or I take care of now and you take care of later or vice versa. The dynamic is changed.IMO

 Regardless she will always be my freind, she knows a lot of secrets of mine and vice versa.

[Whoad]

Well just a month out. I am angry. Angry at myself for letting myself being duped... angry at her, for doing what she did. I know she has a disorder, she may even know. Will I forgive her, eventually, will I forget what she did to me. NO.

I am so used to a relationship that was just snap snap, as BPD do. Now I feel almost crippled inside trying to navigate any relationship, I’m trying to recognize the “needs” I was looking for vs “wants”. However I have recognized, love...

Love is being there for someone without any expectations  of being paid emotionally. Love is kind, and love has very visible actions,  not sex, but emotionally being there for another, and it can be freinds with freinds or more, or just being kind to others.

I do not want to see my ex ever again, nor hear from her. I pained in the past for contact after silent treatment. But I never want to be abused ever again. I will not be abused ever again.

I have become a co-director of a foundation and moving onto things that are not related in any way, to my past were she was involved. I miss the kids. But they are not mine, and I know that I did the very best for them. A stable healthy loving home.

I am working hard to be patient now, take things slowly. I fret that I may never find “her”. Or that I might have and I will screw it up. I know I am great guy, with my own faults, but I’m loyal, loving, and dependable.  There is someone out there. But I have days that being alone sucks but ok. I also have days, where I go why bother.

I never thought I would be hurt as bad as I was. This last year is the worst part of my life, is so many ways. Loss of job due to the affairs of others, and dBPD female using her threats of exposure to her lovers wife and girlfriends and political humiliation. To my ex, whom I know is a different DBPD, and runs her nightmare  in her own sick way. I was brutalized by bosses, my love, and all that entails.

I hope that changes for my life are incoming, and signs provide hope. I have begun to waiver; I want judges to do the right thing, I want my attorney to get the ball rolling in other fronts. I want my dignity and reputation back. I want those who hurt me for their own selfish interest and fears to be held accountable for the wrongs they caused me.  I don’t know if God has those plans for me.

But each day it moves forward is hope. Every day that a setback occurs despair begins to set in. I have no idea how I kept up this much. Who knows. 

My T says I’m doing great. So that is good.  At least I’m not in padded cell or taking any medications. I don’t drink, or smoke. So I am strong and resilient.

  LOL anyways that is update for those that have kept an eye on me.

[Skip]

Well just a month out.

When did you guys split. When did she get married?

[Whoad]

When did you guys split. When did she get married?

She left in June of last year, but played the coming back, keep me on the hook till November, then she got her divorce form her ex... which I had offered so many times to do... then married her new within a week...

The. She began trying to keep touch with me asking for property like she had done in the previous episode.

I wish I never met her. Raising the kids, teaching them, being a father figure... that I will never forget... that was good for them and me. She I loved with all my heart... and now I never want hear her voice again. I never want to see her face.

She killed a part of me... a part I never will get back. 

She has marred my thought processes of relationships... I am happier now without them. But the angry, it’s as deep as the Love was. I understand it’s disorder, that they feel love on extreme and hate as well. I know all I ever want to know about BPD...

I will never let her back in my life... no email,no phone, nada... to this day from June, she has refused to let anyone in her family except her dad and grandma see pics, or talk to kids... she alienated her entire mothers side of the family.

Poor kids... but I’m done... there is not a thing in the world she could ever say or do, that would make me communicate... afraid of rejection and abandonment... well she did me worse. She  did both in my darkest hours, darkest months, darkest part of my life... so to her “kick rocks” ( I have a wider vulgar vocab- but I’m civilized guy) .

I am so angry... I did right for me finally. No fixing that relationship... funny thing, if she left because I had lost my job, and now I am on the cusp of getting hired in my “retirement job”. 6yr plan came early... but I’m not her abuse target.

[Skip]

What has become of her personal property?

[Whoad]

What has become of her personal property?

Salvation Army for all of their clothes. Her hobby activities, so many things, given away to folks to use, donated to 4h. I put a investment collection of toys in a box for her daughter, it’s in storage if she (daughter) ever contacts me in future. Her mother personal items, such babykeepsakes, cat ashes, her uniform for her service and legal documents, and couple heirloom items were shipped at my expense. Ie jewelry etc...

No note, no explanation. Just shipped. Blocked on social media, I am attached to.

Things I bought I have sold, kids bikes and her bikes will be sold. When the weather warms.

[heartandwhole]

How are you doing Whoad?