Older sister, uBPD, I was her target of abuse

[starkdragon76]

I like the idea of merely acknowledging the presence of my thoughts and feelings instead of running from one thought to the next. In a weird way, it seems that all my thoughts and feelings are really asking for one thing: validation.  For some reason, it really calms me and gets me to the source of what is going on in my mind.  What really helps is that I am not as reactive to the events in my life because it gives me the opportunity to process.

I wanted to reply to a post here, but admittedly have already forgot the name of the person I'm replying to. Here is the quoted text:

I like the idea of merely acknowledging the presence of my thoughts and feelings instead of running from one thought to the next. In a weird way, it seems that all my thoughts and feelings are really asking for one thing: validation

Wow! YES! This is me in totality. I am not sure if I am BPD; however, growing up with my older sister who was uBPD, I was usually her target to abuse. When trying to garner some level of protection from her what I called "evil" ways, my parents and others would dismiss my claims of being hurt or constantly abused by her behavors and actions. As such, I've come to realize that a main trigger for me is when I feel dismissed or my points/opinions/feelings are passed over. It definitely does help to have that realization for sure.

It's so difficult to pull yourself out of the habit of falling into your emotions during high stress times after triggered. Mindfulness is a great tool, but like any useful tool, it takes practice for this to become reflexive and easier to use. I look forward to further reading and learning!

[Skip]

Is your sister in your day to day life, now? How is that going?

 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Starkdragon76! 

I like the thoughts you shared and they point to mindfulness so well. I agree that it is quite helpful to set with our thoughts for a bit, to slow down and begin to connect with the feelings that are hiding there. Are you able to figure out what you are feeling when dismissal triggers you?

 
Wools

[starkdragon76]

Hi Woolspinner2000

Hmmm... .that's an interesting question to ponder I have to admit. I feel a bit desperate if I am honest, and I believe that desperate feeling derives from that fear of abandonment. The way my sister bullied me, it was so very effective and brutal. She would call me names like Ugly, Stupid and then would say things like our parents would never love someone as ugly and stupid as I was, etc. Now, a normal household, I've figured out, the parents would then intercede and remind the children of the rules within the house, respect of one another and personal boundaries. Yet, within my childhood home, such rules were known, but enforced rather intermittently. So, there were sometimes I would have that support from both the rules and then my parents stating how what my sister stated wasn't true, etc. Then there were times when-Wow, this is just terrible for me to divulge because it definitely triggers my emotions-there were times when my parents would even partake in the bullying behaviors. When I was crying from what was being done to me, they would often poke fun at me by cupping their hands and then telling me, "Fill my hands up with those crocodile tears." or tell me how much of a baby or tattle teller I was and that I should learn how to take up for myself. Then there were times when my sister would hit me or push me and when I took the route of taking up for myself and retaliated, my parents would then see doing that and believe I was the agressor and I'd receive the spanking, further confusing me as to when it was the right time to take up for myself or to tattle. Such behavior just continued to further damage my entire sense of self. As a result, I've spent most of my life trying to find my true identity because I was so busy just trying to survive as a child that I never focused on what I liked, wanted or really needed. Its so incredibly sad when I think about this and it's even more sad to think that I helped, at least on some level, instill the same messed up thought patterns and feelings in my own child. It is breaking my heart realizing it all so yea, I get how folks can truly feel hurt and dejected by those suffering from BPD. Yet, make no bones about it, once it's realized, there is extreme pain, hurt and devastation that follows.

[Pina colada]

Starkdragon76 I feel so bad for what you endured growing up.  I too have an older, sister dBPD with NPD traits and my childhood was very challenging as well.  How sad when your parents don't stick up for you but join in the bullying.  My parents didn't join but did nothing to protect me.  it is so confusing as a younger sibling when the one person, an older sibling should "take care" or at least be kind to us betrays us.  As kids we didn't know they were mentally ill but as adults we must never forget this.  I understand the search for identity and am wondering if you are in therapy?  Mindfulness helps too!  I am sorry your parents failed to "validate" your feelings toward your sister.  I too am wondering if you are in contact with her?  I am now, once again no contact with old sister and my life now is so much calmer.  I also got the validation of other relatives that she is "off" and I should be happy we are not in touch.  Let us know... .

[starkdragon76]

Hi Pinacolada

I have teetered back and forth between NC and LC because she's so up and down with her own treatment. When she's in therapy and on her meds, we can have decent conversations but not for long before we are at one another's throats. Currently, she's not going to therapy nor is she on her meds-so she's in a continued psychotic break at the moment. She's an addict and self medicates with Meth and heroine. It's sad too because she has three boys, two of them are adults and the youngest one is just barely 8. The oldest boys suffered immensely because she would just abandon them at some family members house for months, sometimes years at a time. They all have different fathers so the oldest was finally taken from her when he was 10 by his paternal grandparents. The middle one, he suffered the worst as he was often shuffled around a bit between family memebers. I had taken care of him myself for a year and a half when he was 12. She was in an one abusive relationship after another and when her middle son was with her, he would often get caught up in the violence and have bruises or marks on him from her boyfriend's damn abusive behaviors. It was incredibly sad and traumatic to witness. It hurts me still to this day to think about the experiences that poor boy had to endure.
After the November episode, I've also been NC with my mother and other siblings. I'm taking the time to focus and work on me now a days. With the current stresses of my husband having a chronic and debilitating illness, I have to get myself better so I can be the best support and caregiver my husband needs at this time. I am beginning therapy this week (tomorrow actually) and I've been experiencing a wide range of emotions as I journal all I want to talk about with my therapist. Its really scary for me because although I know what to expect, there are some things I'd rather not really deal with but know that I must in order to truly heal. It still doesn't make this any easier and I'm so glad I stumbled upon this site as just within the three and a half days i've been active, I've already learned so very much. Thanks to all of you! I will let you all know how things go Friday!

[Deb]

Hi Starkdragon,
I am sorry you have had these experiences. My sister did much the same that yours did to me. She was so sneaky, she rarely got caught. She even tried to drown me twice and then "rescued" me! SO you are not alone. I finally came to the decision that for my own safety and well being I needed to go NC. It's been 20 years for me. If you decided to stay LC, or VLC, that's ok. It's up to you to decided what you want to do. If you do decided to maintain some kind of connection, please learn some of the tools that have helped others. Set good boundaries. Learn all you can about BPD and NPD. I have found the book "Controlling People" to be eye opening.  The author doesn't even speak about mental illness, but the things she said made me understand why my dBPD sister (and a liot of ex friends) behaved the way she does. And the number one thing: Take good care of YOU.