18 Months later...(following up on my post from September 2016)

[chapter100]

Hello all,

This is an abbreviated version of what I posted in September of 2016:

My (now ex) girlfriend and I have been dating for two years.  During that time, she has disappeared on me several times - lasting from a few weeks to several months.  These disappearances have always been incredibly stressful for me: the first one resulted in a psychiatric hospitalization of several days.  Since early January our relationship has been long distance as she needed to relocate to the other side of the country for work.

For most of this year we have been discussing my move to join her (not living together, but in the same city.)  I anticipated some panic about this on her part and perhaps another disappearance.  Instead she informed me a couple weeks before my move that she had slept with a male friend, has developed "feelings" as a result of the infidelity, now needs to "see where this goes", and implored me to cancel my move.  I've already given up my apartment and sold nearly everything I own in anticipation of moving.  Presently I am sleeping in the guest room of a friend, unsure of what to do or where to go. 

from:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298858.0

Six weeks after I posted this she left the other man and we reconciled.  I moved across the country to be with her in January 2017.  By June we were talking about marriage plans.  Then, in July, I broke my leg in two places.  This seemed to cause her to become increasingly cold and distant to me and by September she started suggesting I date other people, which I had no interest in doing and told her so - and that her suggesting it was incredibly painful.  Over the course of the summer she also started drinking and smoking pot heavily again, after giving both up earlier in the year. 

In late October, out of the blue, we had a long conversation initiated by her about how much she wanted things to "be the way they used to be."  That triggered a reconciliation of a few weeks.  During that time we had a meaningful discussion of her infidelity.  She told me she only dated her cheating partner after her infidelity out of guilt - the idea being that if the cheating resulted in a relationship that somehow it would be less bad.  This led to her telling me how "broken" she felt and that she's convinced she hurts everyone she cares about (including her cheating partner.  She wanted to talk to him about everything that happened and give him "closure" since she just disappeared on him without warning or explanation).  A couple days later she decided that I would be better off if she "stayed out of my life" so she "could no longer hurt me." 

Until last week we've had no contact for two months at her insistence.  She texted me on my birthday offering birthday wishes and asking about the progress of my healing broken leg.  A few days later she texted again asking if I still lived at the same address (a silly question as she knew my lease is not up nor did I have any desire to move) because she wanted to pay me back money I "loaned" her (I did not loan her money although I did pay her rent one month, paid her gym membership for half a year, etc.) and added some details about what she's been doing at work and plans to travel out of the country soon.  It was extremely stressful getting these messages - having her contact me repeatedly but not offering any hope about a reconciliation has been incredibly painful.  And after doing a little social media investigation, I strongly suspect that she's making her planned trip with her cheating partner.

In the past when she's disappeared on me she's reconnected with past boyfriends until she returned.  Now that we've both moved, that pool of people is no longer accessible - but her cheating partner is: even though she at one point considered him extremely manipulative and only, as I mentioned earlier, dated him because of "guilt."

Having to face up to the idea that now for the fifth time she has disappeared on me with little warning and that on top of her she's reconnected with someone I despise leaves me feeling humiliated and broken.  Especially after I moved across the country to be with her and really don't know anyone where I live other than her.  As a result I have been drinking too much, and my therapist has me on both an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant, neither of which seem to be sufficient when I really need them to be.

At this point I feel like the only thing I can do to prevent being so deeply hurt from now on is to cut off all contact with everyone permanently.  I work from home and live in a city where I know no one - it would not be practically difficult for me to opt out of all social interaction completely.  Even after all this pain I want her back, although at present I have to accept that the most important person in my life has made the exact decisions that cause me the most possible pain.

I'd welcome any comments.  I know many here have at least broadly similar experiences.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi chapter100,

I am so sorry to hear how much pain you've been dealing with - both physically and emotionally. I had a friend years ago who became a zen priest and I remember he did some work at one point on "his resistances"... .Basically, he'd push himself do things he saw he had resistances in order to open himself up more fully to life. Drawing on that example, I want to ask that instead of going with this tendency you are having towards isolating yourself what might happen if you worked on this and instead put a lot of effort in putting yourself out there... .Meeting new people, doing new things, going into new spaces, just simply doing things you think "you" don't do. Does that sound interesting or like too much?

What brings you the most happiness in life? Is it possible to do more of whatever that might be right now?

 

wishing you happiness, pearl.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, chapter100

your story sounds incredibly tough and unfair, I'm really sorry.

To tell you the truth, I sometimes kind of wish I could have time outs in my RS. I can't focus on myself when everyday I got rage and verbal abuse thrown at me. On top of being responsible for sustaining the family. So maybe you can take all this as time to focus on yourself.

I know it's too easy to say that, and so hard to do it.

I also think often that I want to cut all contact with humanity if this RS goes bad. I'm so tired of trying, I don't want anyone to have the power to hurt me again, I don't want anyone to have expectations on me, that I could or could not meet. I think it's a side effect of trying so hard to being loved by a such unstable person.

My therapist used to tell me: Go out and have a beer with a friend! And I didn't feel like doing that at all. I felt like watching TV and crawl in a fetal position and cry. But when I took her advice, it did pay off. Even for those of us that don't seek social interaction, and we think we don't enjoy it... .Even us we get some kind of energy out of it.

At the very least, keep posting, we listen, and you take some load of your back.

Take care, brother.

[chapter100]

I also think often that I want to cut all contact with humanity if this RS goes bad. I'm so tired of trying, I don't want anyone to have the power to hurt me again, I don't want anyone to have expectations on me, that I could or could not meet. I think it's a side effect of trying so hard to being loved by a such unstable person.

My therapist used to tell me: Go out and have a beer with a friend! And I didn't feel like doing that at all. I felt like watching TV and crawl in a fetal position and cry. But when I took her advice, it did pay off. Even for those of us that don't seek social interaction, and we think we don't enjoy it... .Even us we get some kind of energy out of it.

This is the same advice I am getting from my therapist: join a book club, volunteer somewhere, do anything that gets me out in the world.  I have zero interest in doing this - I'm an introvert and quite happy alone when things are good, attempting to "go out into the world" in a city where I know no one is not something I'm going to do.  I don't think it's possible for me to trust anyone now, and I am certainly not going to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable enough to let anyone get close to me.  I guess what I am hoping for is to somehow get to the point where a life devoid of human interaction is tolerable, because the other options aren't in any way appealing.

[pearlsw]

Hi chapter100,

I'm an introvert too so I can get what you are saying... .but going too far in that direction can be really unhealthy. I've often done things in groups, but I am not really close to anyone in the group, just around people. Sometimes that is enough. Going out can also mean, going to play or a movie. You are still alone, but around others a bit. Maybe you just one or two good friends? Please be careful with total social isolation. I know we introverts can idealize that state a bit, but it can lead us to missing out on things that could potentially bring us some joy. Just something to consider.

warmly, pearl.

[chapter100]

Hi chapter100,

I'm an introvert too so I can get what you are saying... .but going too far in that direction can be really unhealthy. I've often done things in groups, but I am not really close to anyone in the group, just around people. Sometimes that is enough. Going out can also mean, going to play or a movie. You are still alone, but around others a bit. Maybe you just one or two good friends? Please be careful with total social isolation. I know we introverts can idealize that state a bit, but it can lead us to missing out on things that could potentially bring us some joy. Just something to consider.

warmly, pearl.

At this point I am becoming increasingly agoraphobic so any outside activity is getting harder and harder.  I am just so devastated by this most recent reversal of fortune that I can't bring myself to do anything like you're suggesting.  Thanks for the thoughts though.

[JoeBPD81]

This too shall pass.

After my divorce I rented a dark basement studio,with no heating, 2 minute walk from my work, ugly as heck... .I didn't care for anything. i didn't even get internet or land phone.  I had friends that kept calling and I pushed them away until they stopped calling. I get it.

The thing is, the deeper you dig yourself a hole, the harder it will be to climb back up. Now you are unmotivated, and it is understandable, so you don't do things, you get more and more depressed and depression invites negative thoughts and negative prospects (hopelessness) and negative conclusions to any idea. It feeds itself and tends to give itself the reason. It's a trap. To get out of the trap you'll need to do something you don't feel like doing.

It doesn't have to be today,it doesn't have to be big. But don't let it close doors for you. The more you give it, the more it asks from you.

Today you deserve to mourn, but it doesn't mean you are going to feel like this forever. You deserve better.

Do something nice for yourself. Sometimes just taking a shower with a shower gel that smells nice, wearing clothes that you like... .Those small things have a lot of power to start helping you feel better. You have the power to do it.

One thought that helped me is that we are born with nothing.  And from nothing we built our life. Anytime in life we can go back to having nothing, or thinking we have nothing. And that moment has the potential to start all kind of wonderful things. 

I crave being alone now, but I think I would enjoy it. I would do many things, and eventually I would see my friends again,I think they'll forgive me and they would listen to my story.

Lick your wounds, but don't disappear, my friend. You had really back luck, but you didn't create it, you didn't deserve it. You are still yourself, don't let other person steal a part of yourself. Reclaim your life. It is yours.