Husband's anger, yelling, and poor communication—could it be BPD?

[Marie1971]

Hello All.  I am a 46 year-old professional who is re-married.  My current husband of 5 years (been together 10) has been increasingly challenging over the past 3-4 years.  I am uncertain if he has BPD, NPD, or is just a verbally abusive person.  He seems to lack the kind of remorse I would expect after an explosion of anger and horrible name calling.  He quickly blames others, especially me.  He is a physician, a very smart man, and I really thought because he was a highly educated professional he would have, what I call, "common sense" with regards to fair communication and learning from mistakes (we all make them).  However, he can't seem to stick with any communication rules. He repeats the same problem behaviors (especially yelling at me when he perceives me as having a "tone" of voice he doesn't like). , pouts like a child, and when we fight, he talks to other people horribly about me - including his BPD mother!  Anyway, I'm here to get opinions on some of the behaviors I see in him, and get some help on how to handle it.  It is so very very hard.

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[DaddyBear77]

Hi Marie1971 - welcome to our family 

Yeah, I am seeing some really challenging things in what you describe. I am so sorry you’re going through this. When basic rules of good communication can’t be established, it’s so hard to form a solid trusting relationship.

What kinds of behaviors are you seeing that you have questions about? The verbal stuff? Other stuff?

[Marie1971]

(I hope hitting "reply" at the top of the string allows me to reply to the last message? This is a reply to DaddyBear)

Ahh, behaviors.
* Explosive anger - large reactions to small problems including screaming at me when he perceives my "tone of voice" to be "snappy" or "nasty".
* Inability to step back his anger - during an anger episode, often via text, he will say awful, awful things, such as "you are a nasty ___, and that's an understatement... .you are gross... .a pathetic excuse for a wife... .disgusting, etc".  What really astounds me is that he is TYPING these words OUT, and I would think his frontal lobe would kick in and stop his fingers, as this is not as impulsive as verbally blurting. 
* Immediately blaming others - for example, if he cant find something, he immediately asks me where it is in an accusing tone.  He gets very angry when he can't find something, sometimes going to his computer to re-order the item before thoroughly looking.  Often, I find the item when I look and often in obvious places.  This makes him more angry, "Oh, you think Im stupid, I did look, you think your so great, don't "gloat"... etc".  Also, he blames his anger outbursts on me (if You didn't ______, then I wouldn't _______)
* Says "sorry" but never acts sorry - I discovered he deleted all pictures of me off his Instagram page.  I've discovered him texting other women about me.  He knows he has hurt me, will say "sorry" most often when I prompt him... "why haven't you said sorry to me yet?", but will usually add this tag-line - "You want me to grovel, you want me on my knees, well I'm NOT doing that".  He gets very irritated if I want to talk about something he did that hurt me.
*Talks about himself most of this time - although he may do the perfunctory "How was your day?", our conversations aren't really reciprocal.  Often, it is him telling me how a patient complimented him, how he correctly diagnosed a difficult condition, how he got a writing assignment, etc. in long-form.  I've spoken to him several times about his "monologues" and he gets very angry.  More often than not, he now calls people after he gets home from work to give them the monologues.  He is on the phone for several hours each night.  He tells me he is "lonely" and wants to talk to people who are "interested in him". 
*Cannot stick to the topic when I want to talk about something he has recently done or said to me - he claims "we NEVER talk about YOU"... ."you think you are PERFECT"... .and he brings up past fights and instances of my mistakes (for which I've apologized for) to counter my point.  I even set up one night a week that he can talk to me about MY issues and I promise not to bring up any issues I have with him.  On these nights he says, "I'm not going to say anything... .I'm not falling into THAT trap".
*Sets up lose-lose situations - gets angry about something, when I offer to give him what he wants, he refuses to accept my offer saying "I'm not falling into that trap", "you'll punish me later".
*Often tells me people don't like me - recently he tells me his parents don't like me.  Recently he told me his parents just invited HIM over, and I wasn't invited.  His mother ended up telling me this notion was "ridiculous" and of course I was invited over.  He tells me his mom is just "backpeddling" because she was "caught" excluding me.  I don't know who to believe.

That's all for now. Thanks for listening

[DaddyBear77]

Your reply came through perfectly, Marie1971. When you reply it posts a new message in a thread and now we can all see it and respond 

Wow, yeah, these are all traits that we see frequently here. In fact, each of these are experiences I’ve had in my own relationship. It’s almost like there’s a bottomless well that we throw all our love and energy in to, but it never ever fills up. And every so often there’s a burst of rejection that makes very little sense.

The very first thing I’d suggest is reading through this article (click here). I hope this will help you see you’re not alone. More importantly, I hope it will help you see that it’s likely you can take some steps to improve things.

Of the things you outlined (which, by the way, even one of them would be a really hard thing to live with, but together it’s very overwhelming!) - which of these things would you say needs the most immediate attention? The anger? The blaming? The put downs with other people and family members?

[pearlsw]

Hi Marie1971,

While I have not experienced all you have described... .I certainly do feel like I am in the same boat as you. I have a highly educated "h" who is also quite difficult and shares some though not all of these behaviors. The tools here can make a difference. They may or may not help your life be something you can live with, but they do give you a chance to sort that out and it is always good to learn communication skills. You may be surprised how much just learning to validate his feelings and not JADE can do. (Those are terms you'll see around here a lot and can learn more about on this board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0)

wishing you well, pearl.

[Marie1971]

Thank you for your kind responses. I am feeling relieved already to have found people to talk to who can validate my feelings. Sometimes, as I’m sure you know, I feel I am going crazy, because reality is so warped when I have difficult interactions with him.  Now, I’m always suspecting he’ll manipulate me in some way, and my trust in him (and I fear love for him) is fading. Losing that sense of safety, that someone’s has my back. Just as you said, I HAVE indeed poured all of myself, and all I can give (and forgive) into this relationship that does not feel rewarding, but more so punishing.

My “priority” would likely be diffuse anger and the unfair blaming.

[pearlsw]

Hi Marie1971,

Just so I am clear, you are hoping that he'd be less angry and not blame you so much?

This is Stop Accusations and Blaming: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0

There are so many ways to touch on Anger I'm just gonna share the overall board link and ask you to take a look: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0;sort=subject

Anger is one that responds well to not feeding into it. My "h" drives me nuts at times because he uses basically every poor communication tool I can imagine - interrupting, not listening, escalating, throwing the kitchen sink at you. Even when he goes silent his facial expressions are so scary and I'm left to wonder if he is just storing up more ammo for his next battle. It is not easy.

I am lucky in that I don't get a lot of blame, well, I do, but not on a regular day. He is really mostly difficult under stress and he is not good at all at managing stress. I try to make a peaceful, loving home for him/us... .but there is no way to avoid stress so... .hard times do come.

Oh yes dear, you are not alone! There is hope though, it takes a lot of relearning about relationships and a willingness to try and keep trying - if it is something you are up for.  

What does he express anger about? How do you respond to it?

wishing you well, pearl.