Ready to move to Learning - I hope

[BeagleGirl]

Hi.  I've been thinking for the past week about posting here; trying on the idea that I'm no longer conflicted or tolerating and I've pretty much detached.  My legal separation should be final some time in the next week and I've pretty much come to terms with accepting the marriage is over and petitioning to have the separation converted to a divorce after the 90 day waiting period my state requires has passed.

Regardless of the legal formalities, I know that this relationship has "failed".  I have not yet closed every door to my dBPDh, but know that we would be starting from square one (more like negative 10) and would have to build an entirely new relationship.  I don't see much hope of that happening, and I'm no longer focusing my efforts on being prepared for that option. 

I've already learned a lot in the past year about being alone.  I met my husband at 14, so even though I am an independent and capable woman, I have never been alone before.  I've made it through the months of desperately needing to fill the emptiness with activity.  I've stubbornly proved to myself the Google is the only "man" I need to tell me how to load new string in a weed wacker, install under cabinet lighting, winterize my home, etc.  I've become much more comfortable with and even come to enjoy the silence of an empty home.  I've faced the decline of my dad's health, the sullen anger of a teenage son, the rejection of "friends" and family, and a host of other heartbreaks without a companion's shoulder to cry on. 

Now I'm taking inventory and asking "what should I be learning now?".  Sometimes it feels like you have no choice but to face a life lesson, but that doesn't mean you're going to learn.  I want to look at the challenges I'm facing and do my best to learn from them.  Fortunately, I have a good counselor and some good friends who are good at encouraging me and pointing out paths that I should probably explore.  I'm also challenged by what I read here.

One of my current challenges is forming "muscle memory" on something that feels unnatural.  My natural response when I feel ignored/rejected/hurt is to try to figure out what is wrong with or lacking in me that caused that person to ignore/reject/hurt me.  I then go into what my counselor calls "over functioning" mode.  I strive to do/be more so that I can earn the "love" that I feel is being withheld.  I have LOTS of practice with this... .first with my dad, then 27 years with dBPDh (starting at age 14) with plenty of peripheral relationships with friends and family along the way.  What I've started to learn is to step back and ask "Is this really saying something about me (usually something along the lines of "I'm not enough", or is it really just saying something about the person who is hurting me.  Is it really mine to fix?" 

This is one of those lessons that hasn't yet made it from my head to my heart.  When the legal separation papers came back signed, my gut reaction was "He doesn't want me because I'm not enough".  I was able to transition to thinking "He isn't willing to do what is necessary to have a relationship I will accept", but my heart still aches and that feeling of "not enough" keeps bubbling up.  I long for the days when I've healed/learned enough to really understand what love looks like and to seek that rather than approval.

My counselor told me her rule about dating today.  Obviously dating is out of the question while I'm still married, and I want to "heal" before jumping into a new relationship, but she knows me well enough to define "healing" in a way that I will have a hard time getting around.  She says that she doesn't want me to consider dating until I know what I'm worth without anyone telling me.  I don't know if any of you are struck by the difficulty of getting to that place, but it seems a long, long way from where I am now.  It almost feels like a catch-22.  I've needed a "mirror" (relationship) to see my self worth in for what seems like my whole life.  And the mirrors I've spent the most time with have been broken and warped.  It seems so much easier to just go get better mirrors.    But I'm realizing that until I know what I really look like, I won't be able to recognize a "mirror" as being broken or distorted. 

So how do I figure out "what I look like"?  My faith says that only the God who formed me truly knows me and can be a reliable "mirror".  Too bad He and I aren't on the best of terms right now. 

So those are my thoughts for today.  Anyone else walking a similar path?

[TurbanCowboy]

I just separated after 10 years from my BPD wife. Part of me misses the companionship and would like to fill that void, but a bigger part knows I need to focus on myself for a while and my son. It would not be healthy for me to get involved with another woman right now and I’m pretty sure I would not attract the right woman 1 month into a separation.

My wife is already involved with another man and he’s not healthy or mature emotionally.

[Turkish]

Speaking of mirrors is interesting.  My Christian counselor told me about Moses seeing the face of God,  and then told me about how crucial healthy mirroring was as a parent to our children when they are young.  Maybe you lacked that... .I had it,  distorted, with a BPD mother.  Thus, I carried the script into adulthood.  And it is a script.

I will tell my kids,  "I want to tell you a secret... ." they lean in,  "I love you," I whisper into their ears. They coo and hug and kiss me.  Love, not idealization,  covers a lot of sins. Let's call those over emotionally charged words in the moment.   When strong emotions subside, we mirror each other.  Mirroring the bad stuff in the heat of battle leads to... .bad stuff, as we all know.  

"Love is not self seeking... ." it does not give to get.  That goes for both parties in the r/s.

[Skip]

The dating world is not for the insecure, for sure. You most definitely want to get on firm ground.

The thing I've focused on is learning how to read people (in all walks of life), assess, create a relationship that works but is safe.

This was challenging. 

[MeandThee29]

Regardless of the legal formalities, I know that this relationship has "failed".  I have not yet closed every door to my dBPDh, but know that we would be starting from square one (more like negative 10) and would have to build an entirely new relationship.  I don't see much hope of that happening, and I'm no longer focusing my efforts on being prepared for that option. 

One of my current challenges is forming "muscle memory" on something that feels unnatural.  My natural response when I feel ignored/rejected/hurt is to try to figure out what is wrong with or lacking in me that caused that person to ignore/reject/hurt me.  I then go into what my counselor calls "over functioning" mode.  I strive to do/be more so that I can earn the "love" that I feel is being withheld.  I have LOTS of practice with this... .first with my dad, then 27 years with dBPDh (starting at age 14) with plenty of peripheral relationships with friends and family along the way.  What I've started to learn is to step back and ask "Is this really saying something about me (usually something along the lines of "I'm not enough", or is it really just saying something about the person who is hurting me.  Is it really mine to fix?" 

This is one of those lessons that hasn't yet made it from my head to my heart.  When the legal separation papers came back signed, my gut reaction was "He doesn't want me because I'm not enough".  I was able to transition to thinking "He isn't willing to do what is necessary to have a relationship I will accept", but my heart still aches and that feeling of "not enough" keeps bubbling up.  I long for the days when I've healed/learned enough to really understand what love looks like and to seek that rather than approval.

So those are my thoughts for today.  Anyone else walking a similar path?

Yes, very similar. I take the negatives related to him personally most of the time. My counsellor compares it to an elevator. I'm waiting for a blow most of the time, and when it comes, I zip to the top.

As an example, mine invited me and my college kid to visit and see the sights on her spring break. This really bugged me because we barely communicate, and she hasn't communicated with him since the fall. How dare he? How could he be so insensitive? Then I wondered if I hadn't been strong enough or had shown too much willingness.

Nope. I had to stop it. He has few boundaries. It's all about him and his desire to reconcile with no effort on his part so he looks good. He's been telling his family that he has no idea why I don't want anything to do with him. Not my fault, let it go.

[BeagleGirl]

Speaking of mirrors is interesting.  My Christian counselor told me about Moses seeing the face of God,  and then told me about how crucial healthy mirroring was as a parent to our children when they are young.  Maybe you lacked that... .I had it,  distorted, with a BPD mother.  Thus, I carried the script into adulthood.  And it is a script.

This is another aspect of what I've been learning in the past year, but your post just opened up a new thought for me.

I have come to realize that love got mixed up in my mind pretty early on.  I knew that my dad "loved" me because I would overhear him bragging on me - my grades, the poetry contest I won, how smart I was - to other people.  "Love" became something you earn if you are excellent, so I excelled.  When dad wasn't "loving" me, I must need to try harder.  Even at age 13/14 I was coming to realize that I didn't know why I was doing anything.  Was I such a good student because that's who I was, or because I was trying desperately to get my dad's attention and "love"?

Now to the new thought - I was mirroring my dad's own beliefs about how you earn "love".  He has always sought approval and "love" by giving to and serving others.  Much of the reason he wasn't around to notice and love me was because he was so busy trying to be what everyone else wanted him to be.  One of the saddest memories I have is watching the young men that my dad mentored stand up at his retirement party and share how he had been their father when they had no father, then looking at my youngest brother who was battling numerous addictions and know that he hadn't had a father because ours was too busy being a father to someone else's kid.  At the time I fully recognized how much of an impact that had on my brother, but it's taken years for me to realize that I was "broken" by that too, just in a more socially acceptable way.

I "married my dad".  I found a man who has an extreme need to find his identity in the approval of others.  It was a perfect pairing, because I had already learned that the best way to earn "love" was to be perfect and to fill every gap left by the one you desired love from.  He's financially irresponsible - GREAT.  I can earn his love by making tons of money and cleaning up the debt he leaves behind.  He's not interested in spending time with me and our kids - GREAT.  I can literally follow him around at work with a kid strapped to my back.  He's not great at parenting - GREAT.  I can be supermom.  He's addicted to porn - GREAT.  I can redirect his sexual energy to me, as an acceptable object that won't inspire the guilt he suffers from.  

So that's how I have defined myself.  I am an excellent daughter because I'm smart and responsible and "perfect".  I'm an excellent wife because I earn lots of money, hold our family together, am supermom, and am an acceptable outlet for my husband's sexual needs.  I've defined my worth by what I do, what I can offer.  And that leaves a giant hole of longing for someone who can see me and love me for who I am, not just what I can do for them.

It's not like I haven't had that from some people in my life.  I have had some good "mirrors" that more accurately reflected who I am.   I'd say that I do, on some level, know who I am because of my faith.  I've spent enough time sitting in God's lap to have an idea of how He sees me.  

I think that's how I've managed (I hope) to leave my sons with a different script.  I SEE them.  I LOVE them.  Yes, they are both exceptional boys and give me plenty to brag about, but I delight in who they are more than what they do, and I let them know that.  They know (I hope, because I tell them regularly) that they may disappoint me, but that doesn't mean that I love them any less.  They had all the snuggles and giggles and loving care I could squeeze into them when they were younger.  Now that they are both taller than me, we have shifted to punches and "tackles" that are more "manly acceptable" forms of physical affection and I'm starting to nudge and encourage them to spread their wings with the full confidence that they are amazing men who will soar.  

I talked to S14 about some behavior issues he's having at school last night.  He's failing Bible.  Worse yet, he's treating the teacher disrespectfully.  I hope that what he heard from me was "I love you.  I don't want you to suffer the consequences of your actions, but you are becoming a man and I'm giving you the responsibility for fixing this.  I'm here to help.  I want to help.  I want to be your safety net and sounding board and biggest supporter, but not your savior.  Come to me with what you need from me.  I'll be checking in.  Now end of lecture and let's enjoy some time together."  

I was thinking "I wonder how that conversation will come across in his therapist's office in 20 years when he's trying to figure out how my parenting screwed him up" and am now giggling because he has a counseling appointment to night, so he won't have to wait 20 years.  

So there are times when I feel like I know what love looks like.  There are times when I feel like I'm learning to own my worth (and my warts) in a less distorted way.  I'm starting to realize that it's not just potential mates that I fear and distrust; it's myself.  I'm afraid that I will accept less than what I am worth again.  I'm afraid that I will choose or create a man who doesn't have to love me.  I'm afraid I will keep playing out the same script because I don't really know anything else.  Then comes what I see as the catch-22.  I know there's lots of work that I can do on my own, but doesn't there come a point when the learning has to be done in the context of a relationship?  It sometimes feels like learning to play the piano on a paper keyboard.  I can learn where I should be putting my fingers, but without hearing the sour notes and feeling the resistance of real keys, can I really know if I can achieve anything resembling music?  

I guess that's what my other relationships are for.  I'm learning in my parenting how to allow someone else to take responsibility for their actions.  I'm learning in my friendships how to give and receive honest reflections of both the good and bad that are in everyone in a safe and loving manner.  I'm learning from my relationship with my dad how to love someone who is "damaged" without trying to fix them.  

Thanks for "listening" to my rambles.

[pearlsw]

Hi BeagleGirl,

Thanks for these really thoughtful posts. While my life experience feels a bit different, I can easily say I was taken in and you have given me a lot to think about. (You have so much to offer, I hope you keep up posting and engaging with others here by the way!)

I want to ask, given all you are seeing and understanding about yourself and how you relate to others, do you think as you begin to possibly start dating again... .What will you be looking for or asking to help you find the kind of partner that works best for you?

For example, I know if I were to look again the other person having highly developed communication skills would be very high on my list of "must-haves" in a new partner. What would you want?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[BeagleGirl]

I want to ask, given all you are seeing and understanding about yourself and how you relate to others, do you think as you begin to possibly start dating again... .What will you be looking for or asking to help you find the kind of partner that works best for you?

Thanks Pearl.  I've been thinking about making a list for a while, but felt it was premature.  As of yesterday, I don't think it is.  dBPDh is now dBPDstbxh.  I've been strongly considering divorce but have been deflecting a final decision until our legal separation was in place for 90 days - basically giving my husband 90 more days to do something to demonstrate that he still wants to be my husband.  Yesterday he offered to come by to sign a document I needed for the refinance of our (now my) house and he asked what my thoughts were on the length of the legal separation.  It was basically a conversation opener for him to express to me that he feels he's done all he can to save our marriage and he's willing to divorce.  Oh, and would I be willing to leave our church so he will not feel as awkward continuing to attend there.

I include that last part because I see it as a bit of a gift.  I was somewhat blindsided by his willingness to accept divorce, largely because it has financial repercussions for him.  After our conversation yesterday I am left with two gifts - the ability to honestly say that WE have decided to move forward with divorce and the private knowledge that he is still operating from a place where his need for comfort supersedes his care for me - AKA "nothing has changed".  There were other indicators of that in our conversation.  He's still expecting me to take on his responsibilities and care for his needs/desires.  Sadly, I'm still a bit too willing to comply.  I'm at least getting better at recognizing this and deferring my answer to his requests rather than "caving" in the moment.

With that tangent out of the way... .

I think I'm still in a mind frame of defining what I want in a relationship partner largely as a contrast to what I just left.  I will feel a bit more comfortable when I have a bit more perspective on what was annoying vs toxic about dBPDstbxh.  That said - here goes:

Physical - I've recently realized that I have a "type".  I'm generally attracted to men who are 6' or taller and have a build that would probably be described as "lanky".  Well groomed.  Closet probably has equal parts button down tops and slacks and jeans and t-shirts.  There's also something about the eyes of most of the men I've been attracted to that I'm not quite able to put into words.  Physical appearance isn't a big deal to me, except that I recognize that most attraction starts there, and physical appearance can also be an indicator of some of the personality traits I value.

A good friend of mine says that I need a college professor.  I think that would be a good profession for my ideal man.  I want someone who enjoys learning and is able to articulate what they know and believe (knowing the difference between fact and opinion is also important).  I want someone who enjoys sparring on an intellectual level and is well matched to me, which means he has to be a good sport about losing about half the time.  Not all of the sparring will be serious.  I want a man who can match wits and wittiness with me.

I want a man who is confident enough in what he believes to live out those beliefs but humble enough to not require others to hold to or live out those same beliefs.  He should know what are "non-negotiables" and what he can leave open for difference of opinion or even influence of his own opinion. 

I want a man who has hobbies he is passionate about but I want him to be able to keep them in the perspective of "hobby" and not allow them to become obsessions. 

I want a man who can point to a decent number of friendships that he's maintained over a long period of time.  I want to know that he has two or three close friendships that know the best and worst of him, where he is comfortable giving and receiving accountability and feedback.  I want those friends to feel comfortable saying to him ":)ude - that BeagleGirl has some issues.  You need to slow down." or ":)ude - that BeagleGirl is the best thing since sliced bread.  You had better step up your game so you can be worthy of her."

I want a man who is generous with his time, money, and himself but knows how to set appropriate boundaries in those areas.  I want a man whose compassion requires action but who is judicious in that action.

I want a man who enjoys physical activities more than I do and is able to prod and encourage me to be more active.

This is getting to be quite the list so I'm going to stop (or pause) here and tell you about an experience that puts words to one aspect I long for.

A few weeks ago I was standing in my kitchen.  I had just boiled water in my glass kettle.  The morning sunlight was streaming through the kitchen window and bouncing off the tiny bubbles still floating in the kettle.  It was beautiful and, quite literally, brought sparkle to my morning.  As I stood and enjoyed that beauty I had a deep longing to have someone else to share that with.  I wanted someone who might not have noticed that little bit of beauty on their own, but who would not only see the beautiful picture I could point out to them, but would also see the beauty of having ME in their life to see and share those things with them.

That longing is for a person who will delight in me.  They won't NEED me.  They will WANT me.  They will know the cost of having me and be glad to pay it.  On some level I know that they will be getting a great deal, but I acknowledge that I am far too quick to sell myself too cheaply.  I need to REALLY learn to pass on low-ball offers, and to do that I need to have a better understanding of my worth.  That's what my counselor is pushing me to do before getting into another relationship.

The good news - I have valued myself above the offer my dBPDstbxh has extended for the past 27 years.  I've refused that offer and he has now withdrawn his offer.  That leaves me open for better offers. 

So this is a thought that will be continued.  I think I want to write up the other side of the "Personal ad" I've started.  I need to start putting some words around what I have to offer someone else (other than seeing sparkles in a tea kettle).

 

[pearlsw]

Wow BeagleGirl,

That was an amazing description of a partner! I just fell for a guy that had a beard! And later one with a nice laugh! hahahahahahhahaa.  Clearly I didn't put nearly enough thought into such an important decision!

It's really fascinating to hear someone speak about this in such a poignant and poetic way... .I could picture those sparkles!

It's amazing how fast things can change... .it sounds like you are in a really good head space though! Do you think imagining things like this, laying it out like this helps make it something that you'll be able to realize? How soon would you start?

Oh, and did you see this poll by Skip on (the related topic of) Rebound Relationships (not saying you are doing this, just something to think about)? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319736.0 Please take a look and see what ya think!

[BeagleGirl]

I'm grinning right now because I have spent a fair amount of time since my counselor told me I needed to know my worth before I would be ready for a new relationship thinking ":)oes the same hold true for a casual fling?" 

I have been open about this in other posts, but it's been a while, so I'll recap here. 

I had an affair about 4 years ago.  It is the greatest regret of my life.  It's taken a long time, but I can now say that, as wrong as that relationship was, I did learn a lot from it.  One of the things I learned was that a man could choose me and treat me with gentleness and respect.  (I do see the irony in using the word "respect" in the context of a man who would dishonor his wife, himself, and me by entering into an affair, but that's the word I feel best fits his treatment of me).  Some of the qualities that I describe in my ideal man I know I want because I saw them and loved them in my affair partner.  Some of the qualities I listed could be used to describe dBPDstbxh (though they tend to be the ones that have built in caveats "x but also y".  Some are qualities that I have seen in men that I have close friendships with. 

I think that I have a pretty good idea of what I'm looking for.  What I'm not sure of is whether I would throw 90% of my requirements out the window if there was a man who was "promising".  I'm not confident that I would hold him accountable for treating me with the love and respect that I deserve.  I THINK I might be getting there, but if I were to enter into a relationship I can see myself either glossing over the warning signs and pouring myself out into this new man the way I have with dBPDstbxh (unfair to me) or being so scared of being hurt again that I am constantly withholding and testing (unfair to him). 

One of the other threads on this board is about fear of being alone.  I haven't posted there, but I read through and thought about it.  It hasn't always been the case, but I am pretty confident that I don't fear being alone.  I DEFINITELY don't fear it more than I fear being hurt again.  Maybe that will change as the freshness of the pain I've endured in this relationship fades, but I hope not.  I hope that I have learned from this, and from the affair that I had that there are worse fates than being alone.

[I Am Redeemed]

"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us (so much that He died for us). For I am convinced (and continue to be convinced--beyond any doubt) that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the (unlimited) love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
-Romans 8:37-39

Been studying on God's love for me. Somehow, I can accept that He loves everyone, but processing that He loves me personally is not easy. I also learned at an early age that love was conditional on my performance, and have spent the last 40 years trying to be what everyone needed or wanted me to be in order to gain love, value, etc. I took a personality assessment for my business leadership class; not surprisingly I scored in the "conscientious/perfectionist" range, meaning I determine my as well as others' value based on performance, with rigid adherence to details.
I heard on the Christian radio station the other day that Beth Moore did an experiment during one of her teachings. She had 30 women in the audience, and she asked them to each turn to the woman to the right and say "God loves me!"
When the women turned to each other, they all said "God loves YOU!" It seems that for a lot of people, accepting God's unconditional love for others is easier than accepting it personally.
I can't even begin to imagine dating someone else. I am still in "detach" mode. I have never been on my own before, in my 40 years of living, and I don't even begin to pretend to know who I am if not my husband's wife. I have started a habit of confessing out loud every day that I am the righteousness of God in Christ, and that God loves me, because I am trying to become secure in that knowledge alone, regardless of the human r/s I may or may not have.
God bless you BG. I laughed out loud at your description of Google being the only "man" you need. I also find myself doing that. It's embarrassing to have to Google "how to check coolant in your car." But hey, who cares? God loves me anyway.
He loves you too.

[Bo123]

Church, what you have to offer, moving to the learning site I think is a good idea.  Having a 4 year affair and always trying to please you dad WILL affect your children.  T is a must if your not already in it, consider it a boost in the direction your moving rather than a set back.  Family systems theories and cheating are a bad combination that does carry on the shoulders of the children.  Get T if not for yourself but your own admittance of what your childhood did to you that you don't want to pass on to your kids.  The affair is a tangled web that I have ever seen anyone fix by themselves. T,T,T.  Best of luck and I do believe you are ready for this board.

[BeagleGirl]

Having a 4 year affair and always trying to please you dad WILL affect your children.  T is a must if your not already in it, consider it a boost in the direction your moving rather than a set back.  Family systems theories and cheating are a bad combination that does carry on the shoulders of the children.  Get T if not for yourself but your own admittance of what your childhood did to you that you don't want to pass on to your kids.  The affair is a tangled web that I have ever seen anyone fix by themselves. T,T,T.  Best of luck and I do believe you are ready for this board.

Thanks. A couple quick points of clarification so you don’t have to go back and read old posts to know more of my story-
My affair only lasted 6 weeks and occurred just under 4 years ago. Not that the relative brevity  it any more justifiable or less destructive, just wanted to be a bit clearer on the timeline.

I did enter into therapy immediately after ending the affair and confessing it to my husband.  Initially the therapy was focused around repairing our marriage but I eventually made the decision to do individual therapy about 18 months ago. 

To my knowledge, my sons don’t know anything about my affair. They know that their parents went through a rough time about 4 years ago and sought out counseling and worked very hard to make the marriage better. That’s not to say that they haven’t picked up on some things and won’t still face challenges and consequences because of my choices and the impact they had on their dad and our marriage.

I’m definitely learning more about how deeply rooted my issues are as I better understand how I play out some of the same patterns that I started following in my childhood, specifically with my dad. I’m hoping that understanding will lead to true change, but I know it’s going to be a long process. 


Now for a quick update-

It’s been a really busy week at work (traveling between two countries in 3 time zones is going to catch up with me eventually) and was capped off today with another discussion with stbxh about logistics around finalizing our legal separation and, from there, our divorce. We also needed to talk about the behavior issues that are recurring with S14. Right after that discussion I got the email from my lawyer saying that the judge signed off on the separation agreement. I’m still processing (or avoiding processing), so I’ll write more later.

BG

[BeagleGirl]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

I'm not sure why it is so hard for me to live out that quote.  Yet another thing to explore about myself. 

That quote is on my mind because I feel like dBPDstbxh keeps showing me who he is but I continue to struggle with hoping that he will magically change and be the man that I thought he was or that I could help him become. 

I've also been thinking about something he said on Friday.  "We both did all we could to save the marriage."  I don't think that's true for either of us.  I definitely know that there was more I could have done to save the marriage.  I chose not to because I didn't want to continue in the kind of marriage we had formed.  I could have saved that marriage by going back to the patterns we had formed.  I could have had a slightly different marriage by going back and "fighting the good fight" with the tools I learned about boundaries and not JADEing, and SET, etc.  What I couldn't have was a marriage where we were partners in building and maintaining a better relationship... .unless he was willing to step up.  So I chose not to save the marriage.  I chose to step back and see what he was willing to do to save the marriage.  I believe that he did all he was willing to do to save the marriage.  I don't believe he did all he was capable of. 

So I guess we both did all we were willing to do to save the marriage.  Not as nice to say when you're trying to explain why the marriage failed.  I think we both would rather say it was impossible to save the marriage than to admit that we chose ourselves over the marriage, but I know that is much closer to the truth, at least for me.

And now I'm finally coming to terms with who he has been showing me he is.  I'm finally starting to believe his actions over my hopes. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  I'd love to hear any insights you have into what I've said - for myself or for yourself. 

BG

[Jeffree]

I know that this relationship has "failed"

It sounds to me as though your relationship reached its natural conclusion, as opposed to "failed."

My natural response when I feel ignored/rejected/hurt is to try to figure out what is wrong with or lacking in me that caused that person to ignore/reject/hurt me.

Ooof, I know this one inside and out. What I have found that has helped me with this is a little thing The Four Agreements states as "don't take things personally." These things almost never have anything to do with us and aren't about us. Give it a try looking at these things this way. It's not a cop out. Very often it is the truth, and helps us feel lighter to boot.

So how do I figure out "what I look like"?

The only way I've been able to even begin to understand this is by getting in touch with what makes me happiest and what I have always gravitated to as my interests. Then I look at what has diverted me away from these things and how I can get back to having them be a bigger part of my life than I have been letting them be.

I will continue to chip away at your posts and help the best I can.

 
J

[Bo123]

BG--Thanks for the clarification, this has been a long thread.  It seems you are in the middle of the storm right now and there is no escape.  I always say a T and a Dr visit for whatever symptoms you have, even simple anxiety of mild adjustment disorder with depressed mood, cheap solutions are available.  I would not want to be in your situation as it's very tough but you have to take care of yourself 1st before you can think clearly and make good decisions. Life is tough.  We can't   control all of it. Control what you can one step at a time.  We can wish all day long about "if only" but that gets us no where.  You are moving ahead, don't stop.