Strength and clairty seeping in now...

[dumpsterdog]

Im starting to have brief moments of clarity where i read and re read my story on these boards... and i am able to take emotions out of the mix and just look at the words i've written... .and i can have hours sometimes almost a whole day where im able to channel my anger and say " you are so lucky to be away from thjis ... let her go... the guy who pulled her away from you will get what he deserves ,, and i deserve better ... ."

then someimte i just start crying, out of sorry , adn and gratitude for God " delivering me from evil " at the same time... .this is heavy stuff.

I started out with no contact in hope she would recycle me... .now im thinking maybe I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT HER NONSENSE

And the interesting thing, i just had a mjor injury and its possible i will get a setllement large enought ot never have to work again and to have an awesome life woind whatever i want with whimever i want where i want and when i want... .and som,etimes i want to tell her that so she will recycle me... .but then i'm like ... NO... NO... NO... .DONT EVEN TELL HER YOU IDIOT... .justmove on. and enjoy whats left of your life.

[stixx44]

I understand you perfectly... .going through the same thing myself.  She reached out to me twice since November.  I was just cordial, although I would love for it to work out with her.

Last contact was Happy New Year from her.  I have not contacted ever.  I want to, but every new day is a day away from the insanity.  I am committed to keeping NC. 

Stay strong... .you can do it day by day. 

[pearlsw]

Hi dumpsterdog,

When you have that urge to contact her what is that you do to stop yourself? Inner thoughts, things you repeat in your head, hanging out with friends, etc.?

Glad to hear that writing about this is helping so much!

curious, pearl.

[dumpsterdog]

its hard ... .sometimes i just cant stop myself... .i just got baack hiome frfom the hospital, where my mom was admitted tonight for chest pains... and naturalyy i thought of " vixen "... .and called her and just leftr a message saying i was thinking of her and hoped she was doing ok... .i'm torn between totally abondoning here... ( apprently here worst fear )... and trying to stay in touch minimally to let her know i do really care... .its a catch 22 damned either way it seems... lots of praying that we can both be healed... .