My own reactions to an adult daughter with possible BPD

[Wearyworn]

I find myself just crying when my daughter becomes irrational and angry. She is a very successful professional, however, is abusive, manipulative and blames/disparages cruelly any small or large slight she perceives from others. She especially accuses me of not loving her as much as her siblings, siding with them, etc. etc. All my children are adults, very responsible and independent, including her. My children's father died at 38, they we all very young, the oldest was 10, this daughter was 8 and my youngest was 2. It was very traumatic for all, as my husband died of cancer. This daughter has all the characteristics of BPD, with abandonment being the huge issue. My problem is not being able to have any type of "genuine" interaction with her without just becoming an emotional crybaby. I am so sad for her, but it does neither me nor her any good. In fact, she seems empowered and is even more verbally abusive if I become upset and emotional during one of her tirades. What can I do differently in order to keep my tears in check?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Wearyworn and welcome to a place where you can pour out your heart... .get support from those who really have walked in similar shoes... .and then pass that support unto others.

After reading your post, there is no doubt in my mind that you are a woman-of-courage.  To have been left a widow with 3 young children to raise is a momentous task.  To be able to write... ."all my children are adults, very responsible and independent" tells me that you did your job well.

So, this one daughter is left with "issues" and you are her easy target because you comply and react... .fueling her fire.  Bottom line, Wearyworn, you can't change what she is doing... .but... .you can change what you are doing... .the ONLY way your relationship with her can be readjusted.  How to do it takes work and it is a gradual process as you learn the "tricks-of-the-trade"... .and what better way to find them is to look to the right .  You need to get that "empowerment" you write about... .for yourself.

I, too, am a Mom to a daughter who has become more and more verbally abusive.  I, too, have cried... .and cried... .and cried. (Actually, I have felt more sorry for myself than for her.)   My valid excuse for taking as much as I did over so many years was the fact she is the mother of my only 2 grandchildren.  Well, the grandchildren are grown.  My turning point came when she yelled 2 of her foulest words yet to me.   A door closed (but a window has been left open) and a corner was turned.  Believe me, I work on sustaining that feeling of empowerment and, thankfully, I am not the person I was.

I know I haven't been able to give you any answers, Wearyworn.  While all of us here share in the fact that we are dealing with offspring who have BPD behaviours, all our stories are different.  What I hope to have given you, though, is a nudge to move forward.  One of my favourites to the right is... ."If your current approach is not working - change it."  You have that power.

Hope to hear more from you, Wearyworn.   Keep sharing with us.

Huat

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there Wearymum  , I’m so very sorry you are being hurt and torn in this way . I too have been brought to tears many a Time by my daughter . It wasnt just what she would say , it would be how she said it and then the behaviors that followed as if she didn’t give a damn .

I learned that crying in front of her was not a good thing . It gave her more power and made me feel weak and useless . Sometimes I just wouldn’t be able to stop myself though , I found myself being particularly emotional during family therapy sessions , and when the tears started it would be difficult to stop them and reign myself in . Like opening the floodgates . The therapist would turn to my DD and would ask how she felt about me being upset and my DD would roll her eyes and remain Stoney faced . My DD very much views tears as a sign of weakness .

My emotions would often get the better of me  when feeling tired and just burned out . You get so worn down by these BPD kids of ours and it’s just exhausting both mentally and physically. Feeling emotionally depleted .

I found that leaving the discussion before i reacted ( either with tears or anger !) worked well . Just turn around and physically leave the area , saying I can’t talk about this right now because I’m going to get upset and that won’t help either is us “ . Also , it’s so very important to place priority on looking after yourself first and foremost wearymom . If you are less tired , less weary , have other things to focus on in life that give you confidence and  pleasure , then you will feel emotionally stronger within yourself to keep your emotions from running away with you .

We are right there with you 

[bluek9]

Hi Wearyworn, Bluek9 here. I too have an adult daughter with BPD (35) I hear you about the weary and worn and the reactions to your daughter. I'm new here to the board about two weeks. If I my share with you, just being here in this space has helped so much. Here you will find support, comfort, ideas and most of all validation in your feelings no matter what they are. I totally agree with Huat and Yepanotherone. First and foremost needs to be your self care. I figured out years ago about not letting my daughter see my emotions, as you said all it did was encourage her to be even more cruel and empower her in her behavior. I'm sorry for the many, many tears you have shed, it can be so painful to a mothers heart to feel such things come from our own children.
      For me I found in all the information on this sight and the books I've been reading one small step that appeared to easy enough for me to implement immediately: S.E.T. You use it in responding to the person with BPD. It means support, empathy and truth. At first it was challenging because I found myself having to stop the conversation so I could think about my response. You can find out more by checking out the tools to left. It is possible to be supportive without condoning the bad behavior.
     My daughter has pummeled me with "I hate you, all her life". She has been blaming me for leaving her father who was extremely physically abusive. She was only 3 at the time and the situation was if he killed me then he would have my children, so I got out.
      Take care of you, learn more tools, keep coming back here. Life with BPD is grinding, find a way to keep yourself charged up. When we become tired out and worn down it is easy to be hurt, manipulated and taken advantage of. I hope to hear from you again.