I remarried and had three more children... but...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,
After going through an excruciating break-up with what I am now sure is a BPD partner I've spent many years wondering what the hell happened. We'd been together for 10 years, seven of which married and had two children.
I am glad to finally discover that I am not the only one struggling with the aftereffects.
I remarried and had three more children and cut off all communication with my BPD ex-wife. Because of this I also did not speak to the oldest two for a long time. Fortunately contact has been restored and is now so good that my first two children (boys) joined us for two holiday trips.
The reason I am writing this is that though the two eldest accept the fact that I do not want to see or have any kind of contact with their mother, it does not make life easier.
Before I can think about contact though I have to do something about my emotions. For example: I ran into her in a supermarket about two years ago and at first I could look at her rather calmly but after a few times she came up to me clearly intending to start a conversation. The memories of what she had put me through came up and got me so angry that I'm surprised that the blaze from my eyes didn't scorch the floor. She did not say anything, looked as if she was about to cry and disappeared. To my own surprise I discovered that I also feel sorry for her and that the old desire to "help" still isn't dead.
How do I handle this?

[RMJJ]

Hi,
After going through an excruciating break-up with what I am now sure is a BPD partner I've spent many years wondering what the hell happened. We'd been together for 10 years, seven of which married and had two children.
I am glad to finally discover that I am not the only one struggling with the aftereffects.
I remarried and had three more children and cut off all communication with my BPD ex-wife. Because of this I also did not speak to the oldest two for a long time. Fortunately contact has been restored and is now so good that my first two children (boys) joined us for two holiday trips.
The reason I am writing this is that though the two eldest accept the fact that I do not want to see or have any kind of contact with their mother, it does not make life easier.
Before I can think about contact though I have to do something about my emotions. For example: I ran into her in a supermarket about two years ago and at first I could look at her rather calmly but after a few times she came up to me clearly intending to start a conversation. The memories of what she had put me through came up and got me so angry that I'm surprised that the blaze from my eyes didn't scorch the floor. She did not say anything, looked as if she was about to cry and disappeared. To my own surprise I discovered that I also feel sorry for her and that the old desire to "help" still isn't dead.
How do I handle this?

[steelwork]

Hi RMJJ, and welcome--or as they like to say around here:

 

Would you like to say more about the relationship and how it ended?

10 years is a long time. What did you do to process the relationship after it was over?

What was it like for you, being out of contact with your children? How has it been reuniting? It sounds like you feel things are going well with them, but then... .

The reason I am writing this is that though the two eldest accept the fact that I do not want to see or have any kind of contact with their mother, it does not make life easier.

what is "it"? The fact that you don't want contact with their mother? Is it your relationship with your older two kids that is stressed, or is it YOUR LIFE independent of the kids that feels stressed?

The scene you describe in the supermarket gives me the sense that you have a lot of unresolved conflict. Maybe... .anger is a way of offsetting the feeling of wanting to help her?

Telling more of your story might be a way to bring out some more details about your emotions.

[Turkish]

This seems like a deep pain for you even now... .what happened all those years ago?

[AnuDay]

This is an interesting story... .also a common scenario.  We need more details on you and her.  Glad you were able to move on successfully.  Good luck patching up stuff with your other children.