My uBPD and uOCD stbx wife won't accept that it's over between us

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

So I took the plunge a week ago and decided to leave my marriage to my uBPD and uOCD wife. She's been emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I had my last straw when she decided to place more ultimatums than I can handle and also when she tried to pull a knife on herself (I'm assuming to get my attention). Anything that triggered her OCD also triggered her rage and life become unbearable because I was always walking on much more fragile eggshells. I pretended to leave for work one morning and left without telling her that I wasn't coming back. I did leave a message with her parents to let them know what was going on and why I'm leaving and not coming back. I decided to implement NC (not realizing what I did was more of a "silent treatment" than NC) by blocking her number, not contacting her and just trying to move on. My rationale was that she had been abusive in the past and I was worried that it was going to escalate into  violence on her part (which has happened before)  if I had to face her directly and tell her I was leaving. I realized now that maybe I should have handled it a different way and just face her anyways since I could have walked away if things got out of hand. 


Anyways, a lot of her ultimatums where basically "if you don't do "x", then I will (pick one: divorce you, run away, hurt myself)." Anyways, I got an email last night from her parents asking if I could just call her or email her and let her know that I was safe and to give her some closure because they don't know how to handle her freak out of me suddenly leaving. Apparently, she found out where I was staying (which is 500 miles away from her at the moment) and was preparing to leave to drive down to where I am because she wanted to talk to me. 


So I broke NC and called her to explain that I left because I wanted to end the relationship and that I was not coming back. That I've had enough of her behavior and that I've asked numerous times for her to get help and she refused (basically she tells me to shut up every time I mention therapy and then gives me an ultimatum). So how did she take it? She seems to not want to accept it's the end between us. She's delusional because she writes off our past arguments and her ultimatums (ie. her wanting to run away or get a divorce) as nothing/joking with me. She talks about how we've been together for a long time and that she was sorry for all she did to me and that she'll do right by me and get into therapy and get better. I know what she's saying isn't true (aka I call bull o it). I feel like I have 2 options at this point. 


1) Just implement NC again. I tried to give her closure and she doesn't seem to accept that I'm not coming back. It shouldn't be my problem anymore and I shouldn't care. 


2) Come back, it seems like everyone's lives would be at peace. The reason I say this is because her parents can't seem to handle her irrational behavior and seemed relieved when I told them I may come back. 


I really don't want to pick option 2, but I'm not sure what to do at this point. I just seems easier for me to just go NC and not care anymore. Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

[lost6891]

Hi,

So I took the plunge a week ago and decided to leave my marriage to my uBPD and uOCD wife. She's been emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I had my last straw when she decided to place more ultimatums than I can handle and also when she tried to pull a knife on herself (I'm assuming to get my attention). Anything that triggered her OCD also triggered her rage and life become unbearable because I was always walking on much more fragile eggshells. I pretended to leave for work one morning and left without telling her that I wasn't coming back. I did leave a message with her parents to let them know what was going on and why I'm leaving and not coming back. I decided to implement NC (not realizing what I did was more of a "silent treatment" than NC) by blocking her number, not contacting her and just trying to move on. My rationale was that she had been abusive in the past and I was worried that it was going to escalate into  violence on her part (which has happened before)  if I had to face her directly and tell her I was leaving. I realized now that maybe I should have handled it a different way and just face her anyways since I could have walked away if things got out of hand. 


Anyways, a lot of her ultimatums where basically "if you don't do "x", then I will (pick one: divorce you, run away, hurt myself)." Anyways, I got an email last night from her parents asking if I could just call her or email her and let her know that I was safe and to give her some closure because they don't know how to handle her freak out of me suddenly leaving. Apparently, she found out where I was staying (which is 500 miles away from her at the moment) and was preparing to leave to drive down to where I am because she wanted to talk to me. 


So I broke NC and called her to explain that I left because I wanted to end the relationship and that I was not coming back. That I've had enough of her behavior and that I've asked numerous times for her to get help and she refused (basically she tells me to shut up every time I mention therapy and then gives me an ultimatum). So how did she take it? She seems to not want to accept it's the end between us. She's delusional because she writes off our past arguments and her ultimatums (ie. her wanting to run away or get a divorce) as nothing/joking with me. She talks about how we've been together for a long time and that she was sorry for all she did to me and that she'll do right by me and get into therapy and get better. I know what she's saying isn't true (aka I call bull o it). I feel like I have 2 options at this point. 


1) Just implement NC again. I tried to give her closure and she doesn't seem to accept that I'm not coming back. It shouldn't be my problem anymore and I shouldn't care. 


2) Come back, it seems like everyone's lives would be at peace. The reason I say this is because her parents can't seem to handle her irrational behavior and seemed relieved when I told them I may come back. 


I really don't want to pick option 2, but I'm not sure what to do at this point. I just seems easier for me to just go NC and not care anymore. Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

[Lucky Jim]

2) Come back, it seems like everyone's lives would be at peace. The reason I say this is because her parents can't seem to handle her irrational behavior and seemed relieved when I told them I may come back. 

Hey lost6891, It sounds like you are trying to please everyone but yourself.  I suggest you focus on whether the marriage is right for you, rather than on what your marriage may mean to others.  As to option #1, NC is a tool to help you to detach, but is not a hard and fast rule.  Let me ask you two questions that might prove helpful:  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi lost6891,

What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?

I agree with Lucky Jim only you know if you're truly done with your marriage or not, I understand that it's a complex decision, regardless of what others outside of your marriage looking in say, you and you're wife are the ones in the r/s. You can't force her to take therapy, it's her choice to go or not to go, she can blameshift but that still doesn't change the fact that she needs help.

A pwBPD will usually get help when they've hit their rock bottom and rock bottom is different for everyone. Who knows maybe this event is the catalyst for change? Her parents don't seem interested in helping her if they're contacting you. You've explained to them what your intentions are and I'm going to suspect that you were clear that you were not going back.

You might want to go NC with the family too for now, I'm sure that others can relate with your situation if a pwBPD are left they don't accept the fact that the r/s is over and will keep trying, I feel bad for those members. If the pwBPD has left you usually you're split black and you don't hear from them as painful as it feels it has to be harder when you're trying to heal and your expwBPD won't accept that it's over.

Your wife has a serious mental illness, in that context her behaviour makes sense a pwBPD fear being alone, she's an adult and she has a responsibility to help herself a pwBPD have dependency issues and are dependent on others for things that they should really take care of themselves. You were her fixer and helper at one time, it enables her dependency. If you go back how are things going to change? Are you willing to be the one that's going to have to change for your marriage?

We can't tell you what to do we can listen and give you feedback and as Lucky Jim said listen to your needs, there's judgement here if you go back but you have a right to be happy in this life.