Shame and fear keeping him from returning? Need advice please

[Nwish]

Hi everyone - I have some other posts about how my ex BF suddenly left our relationship just when things were settling down and how he had not devalued me (in the typical way of hate and contact cut off). He kept contact with me through his entire “distraction” rebound relationship and kept saying how he ruined things for us. Once he became single again, we talked and I think he tried to offer me reasons but his logic was all over the place and then he just said he only loves me as a friend (contradicting his words and behaviors from just weeks before). I’m not sure if he felt invalidated by me not begging or jumping back in. I was and still am very kind and supportive but I have not reached out other than a “hi” every couple weeks.

I don’t want to be in denial that maybe he doesn’t feel anything right now, but I can’t help but feel like it’s shame and fear on his part that is not allowing him to move forward with me. He doesn’t ask for his things back, doesn’t ask for no contact, doesn’t ask anything of me, keeps dates on a shared calendar.

He was reaching out and now will not text unless I initiate. Could shame and fear keep him from ever coming back? I don’t want to chase him or engage if he really is wanting something else. He went through a divorce to be with me and knows he has an endless void and that a partner is not the answer to his happiness (at least he says he knows).  I get a lot of advice to move forward and he will come to me if/when he is ready or wants anything. I just can’t help but feel like his self esteem is so low that he will never Re-engage out of fear or thinking he’s hurt me too much. Any advice?

I’m not sitting around waiting, but I’d hate to think he feels abandoned by me when really I’m just trying to work on myself and not chase him.

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[RandomName]

Hi Nwish - I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and thank you for sharing. I felt much of the same at a couple points with my recently split ex, including currently - but it was left contentiously and we have been no contact for 6 weeks today. We first met a long time, with many years apart before entering into a romantic relationship, and of that time period she said to me (once we started dating) "why didn't you look for me?" So I know both that temptation and potential regret of not acting: "if I don't do it no one will."

I'm new to this site so I'm sure others will have better advice, but since you're in contact and clearly want to make this work again, have you considered relaying to him essentially your last line of your post here? "I still care about you. I’d hate to think that you may feel I'm not interested or am not willing to make this work. I'm trying to focus on myself... .but if you are open, then so am I -- we'd have to meet halfway though."

I hope you find some clarity. Best of luck.

[Nwish]

Thank You for he reply, RandomName!

It’s harder because he wanted a friendship and says that I’m his only real friend, but still won’t reach out or ask to do anything.