Feeling guilt over having had children

[Shadowcat]

I used to post here all the time. I haven't been here in a very long time, but I felt great help from this place in the past.

My mother has diagnosed BPD. My father is an enabler, my brother is just getting out of the FOG and has decided to distance himself from my mother. Growing up, he was always the golden child, and I was the scapegoat. I suffered physical abuse as a young child at the hands of my mother, when my father was on the road. It is very curious that the physical abuse stopped as soon as my father stopped doing long-distance truck driving - I have recently come to the conclusion that my mother always has to have someone in her life to pick on. When my father was gone, it was me. Once he came back, my mom turned her negativity to him. After he moved out, she turned on me again, then once I moved out, she turned it on my brother. Now that she lives alone, the one who suffers at her hands the most is her poor dog (not physical abuse, she's just constantly yelling at him).

I put my mother on a time-out for about six months five years ago, when she went completely nuts on my birthday. She publicly humiliated me at a restaurant (banging on the windows, flipping me off) because my family had planned a dinner for my birthday and she backed out. Because she backed out, she assumed we would all cancel. It was a power play; I refused to allow it to influence me and the psychotic break was the result.

I am LC with my mother. She is allowed contact with my children (to my surprise, she is actually very good with my kids, doesn't break any of my rules). It actually seems that because I am the only person in her life who has set firm, immovable boundaries, that she respects me to a degree. Of course, she tests them all the time but I remain consistent. I refuse to allow her to enmesh in my life - she knows as little as I feel comfortable sharing.

The problem now is that I am facing internal struggles of my own. I have three children - and two of them (the first and the third) were unplanned. Unfortunately, I am one of those people whose body seems to ignore birth control. Originally, when I married my husband, I didn't want kids. I know that I, myself, as the daughter of a BPD mother, am more likely to develop BPD or another psychiatric disorder myself. I also know that my children are predisposed, and I can't bear the idea of this cycle continuing - my grandmother has NPD, and her mother had psychiatric problems, too. My oldest son is already showing signs of impulsivity and difficulties with controlling his emotions. I'm terrified that I've doomed another generation to the misery of suffering with psychiatric problems. Of course, I don't abuse them like my mother abused me, but I must admit that at times I feel guilty for not stopping my (obviously flawed) genetic line.

Does anyone else struggle with these feelings?

[RDMaggie]

Hi there! And welcome back!

I am newer to the community, what brought me here was a longtime diagnosed BPD friend, but my own mother has significant issues which I've discussed in a different post.

My mother was mentally and emotionally abusive to me, things really escalated after the death of my father in 99. I am an only child and her parents died in the 70s/80s, she's estranged from her only sibling. In short (or long?) I'm all she had and all she has. Funny though that you mention she is good with your children, our situation is similar, she's great with my daughter, I've set firm boundaries. I think in our situation it's because her social skills are really poor and my daughter, being a child, doesn't understand that or care, she mostly adores my mother.

Anyway, again, in a slightly different situation but still relatable, my daughter has classic Autism. She's verbal and bright, she goes to an Autism specific school. After her diagnosis I realized that I am most likely on the spectrum myself, Aspergers is no longer a diagnosis, but I would have likely fit that criteria, same as my mother, same as my grandmother, same as my great aunt. Little research effort has gone into Autism presentation in females, but the conclusion I have personally come to is, it is very likely genetic in our situation.

Do I feel guilty? Not at all. I love my daughter, I'm an excellent parent, she's a wonderful person. Resources exist to help her achieve her highest functioning ability and live her happiest life.

The same is true for your children. You know what to look for, you are prepared to seek help when necessary and if needed. Clearly you are vigilant about monitoring their behavior and needs.

Enjoy your children, you have no reason to feel guilty (even if you sometimes do  )

[Shadowcat]

Thank you so much. Sometimes, it just hits me, like it did today when my son had an altercation at school. Of course, I adore my children and it's not like I wish I could send them back or anything, I just sometimes wonder if they are going to struggle extra hard in this world, like I have. I know there is a genetic correlation with BPD, but sometimes I also wonder if it's largely how they're brought up.

I try to look on the bright side and realize that what my husband says is true - if anything, we have a great instructions on how NOT to raise a child by observing what our parents did.

Thank you so much - encouragement is what I needed today.

[No-One]

Hi Shadowcat:
I'm sorry about your family struggles and the abuse you endured from your mom.  Good job with staying firm with your boundaries.

My oldest son is already showing signs of impulsivity and difficulties with controlling his emotions. I'm terrified that I've doomed another generation to the misery of suffering with psychiatric problems. Of course, I don't abuse them like my mother abused me, but I must admit that at times I feel guilty for not stopping my (obviously flawed) genetic line.

I can see how you might have some guilt, but there is no value added to spend too much time with guilt.   What's most important is not the hand you are dealt, but the way you play the hand.  I'm thinking that mental illness and bad behavior were just swept under the rug, through the generations of your mom's family.  Has your mom had any treatment for BPD (or any form of mental illness)?

You mention your grandma and her mother.  It's likely that your grandma's mom wasn't effectively treated for her mental disorder (s), as a result of fewer treatment options and the overall way people looked at mental disorders at that time.  Your grandma, might even have had the same situation. 

You aren't your mom, grandma or great grandma.  You are aware and have a desire for your children to be emotionally healthy.  That can help bring about a much better outcome with your children. 

Hopefully, you can get your son some help, so that you can find out more of what may be going on with him and so that he can learn coping skills and to manage his emotions.  You have a history of being good with setting boundaries with your mom.  You can use those skills to set boundaries for your son. 

How old is your son?  Has he been evaluated for a disorder?  ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc?  Learning coping skills can make a difference.  One view of BPD, is that the individual has one or more mental disorders that evolve over time to qualify for the label of BPD.  BPD rarely stands alone. 

I can understand your concern about your son's behavior.  It has to be hard to think that he might have the potential to behave like your mother.  You have an opportunity to approach possible mental health issues differently than your mom did.

[Shadowcat]

Thank you so much, No-one, for your reply. You are right - no one in this world is perfect and we all have things we struggle with. In a way, even though it hurts, I am very glad to be aware of the troubles my son faces. He is most likely ADHD, at least at this stage. I set hard boundaries for him but I must admit that he has mine and my husband's stubbornness genes . It may serve him well later in life if he learns to harness it. I know that stubbornness is what kept me from allowing my mother to mow me over emotionally.

I hit a low point yesterday, but it was a good thing. It gave me a chance to evaluate our situation and move towards something positive. I think that the guilt over having children comes from some of the comments of others - once, a family acquaintance said she was surprised I had kids after the childhood I had, which made me wonder if maybe I was too "broken" to raise a proper family. I myself suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, which I'm sure is rooted in my abuse from childhood. I always second guess myself, especially if someone makes an observation. I am working on believing my own mind more and more - it's a work in progress.

Thank you again everyone for the wonderful encouragement and advice.

[No-One]

He is most likely ADHD, at least at this stage. I set hard boundaries for him but I must admit that he has mine and my husband's stubbornness genes . It may serve him well later in life if he learns to harness it. I know that stubbornness is what kept me from allowing my mother to mow me over emotionally.

You are right.  If he can harness his ADHD tendencies, it can serve him well.  People with ADHD can be very creative.  You might want to check out the "Faster Than Normal" website: www.fasterthannormal.com

If you click around and explore the website, you can find free podcasts to listen to (subscribe to).  The focus is on people with ADHD sharing successes and how they manage things. You can hook up with the podcasts with a phone app.

[starkdragon76]

Wow Shadowcat, that is a lot to carry, but I can also relate. I continuously feel guilt for having my children, especially when I see them having to struggle with anything that has to do with traits from BPD. Its always difficult to see your child struggle in any way, but when you realize that struggle comes from the blood you share, that is a whole level of hurt that just takes the wind out of your sails.

I would say to not be so hard on yourself and honestly, your husband is correct, at the very least you know what NOT to do. My daughter most definitely has uBPD; and watching her life is literally like reliving my twenties. It pains me that I gave her some of those very same traits that fuels bad decision making and high anxiety. I have days that I feel so very guilty and then, she manages to do things which totally surprises me and I'm left beaming with such pride! I guess that's the aggravation that comes with being a parent, knowing that your kids definitely are a recreation of yourself. But that is such a beautiful thing and such a blessing. I would suggest you take it easy on yourself, find some time and just pamper yourself and not be so in your own head. May I also suggest a book which may help with how you can best protect yourself from such damaging thoughts? "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is such an empowering book which has definitely helped me better understand how to conquer not just my own damaging thoughs, but provide more of a better shield against other people's unsolicited thoughts/opinions.

[Turkish]

Shadowcat,

The precursors for BPD are maybe 60/40 nurture/nature. It sounds like you and your H have the nurture down 

I see differences in my two kids: S8, with level 1 autism (Asperger's) is a people pleaser is he going to end up in a r/s with someone like his mother?

D5 is steadfast and kind of a princess is she going to end up NPD?

We can't control predispositions of personality. We can,  however,  control how we interact with our kids: are we abusing or neglecting them? Are we making it worse?

It sounds like you and your H are making it better,  yes?

For what it's worth, I never wanted to have kids due to a genetic physical condition that I have.  I didn't want them to suffer severe bullying like I did,  more significant than the physical limitations.  S8 is clear by way of chromosomes.  D8 may have my condition a little,  her son will be like me.  I hope to stick around long enough to help them if it comes to that.  Not wanting to have kids was my personal choice until I was 38. I do, however,  love my kids to pieces.  I think you do,  too. Go with that.   

[Notwendy]

Hi Shadowcat-

Maybe I can shed some positivity about your children.  None of my BPD mother's children have BPD. This doesn't mean we don't have things to work on about ourselves, due to our background, but the outlook for us- in terms of behaviors is that we do not have BPD or the level of dysfunction my mother has.

Genetics isn't destiny, and it is also not controllable or predictable. Some children in BPD families may be more predisposed than others, and some not. There are parents on the parenting board who do not have BPD but their child does. We can't control that aspect. Whether or not a child will be predisposed genetically is not under our control. Some people may choose to not have children, but surely the incidence is not 100% and it is possible that a child will not have it.

Being a mother has been a significant part of my own emotional healing. I had the opportunity to be a different kind of mother to them and somehow this included my own inner child. I am their parent, not their peer, but in a way, this inner child got to experience a different childhood and grow up with them. Doing the things they liked to do with them, allowed my inner child to do them too. My kids laugh that their mom likes their cartoons and later their teen movies more than they did. I also experienced the parent- child bond from the other side- but it is a special bond.

Ironically, it was not my mother who was the greater influence on my behavior in relationships. It was my father- mostly positive influences but also enabling behaviors. I knew my mother was dysfunctional and perceived him as her victim. I didn't understand the impact of his enabling behavior until I brought that into my own marriage. Dealing with that helped me to also be a more effective parent. The bigger risk to my children in their future relationships was the possibility that I would role model enabling behaviors at home and also be an enabling parent. The good news was that these were behaviors I could work on.

I think we also get positive influences from both parents. Although we speak of the difficulties of having a BPD mother, I can attribute positive influences to her too. Good genes and positive behaviors are inherited too.

Genes are inherited but so are family patterns of behavior. When one person in the family has a disorder, the other family members can take on maladaptive behaviors to compensate for that. Families can act as a sort of system with balance between members. I can't control what is in genes but these patterns can be worked on.

IMHO, the best way to help your kids in their future relationships is to work on yourself- role model emotionally healthy behaviors and boundaries. I also think children have natural boundaries and we can reinforce them by validating their feelings.  PwBPD have difficulty dealing with their own feelings, so I don't think they teach children to manage their feelings well. As parents, we have many opportunities to teach our children to listen to their feelings. A child may come home from school upset about a squabble with a friend. It is our chance to sit with them and listen, teach them to trust their guts, and how to manage this situation appropriately- not be a bully but not be a doormat.

Your children are full of possibility and a chance to change the behavior patterns in your family tree for the better.