Initiating contact myself after he broke up and period of NC?

[blooming]

Hi everyone,

I am mostly active on the Detaching from... .forum, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to detach yet so that's why I decided to post something here too.

My ex (uBPD) and I broke up for the third and (it seems like) final time in the beginning of january. We had a stable relationship for a year, then he broke up with me for the first time and then two months of uncertainty started. After the first break up he contacted me twice (of which the second time ended in a huge fight in which he said he never wanted to see me again and that I was a stupid b*tch and things like that, although I really don't think I did anything wrong) and then suddenly he wanted to try again. We tried again for two weeks before he broke up with me again. Then two weeks of NC followed and then he initiated contact again. At first just to get me in his bed, but he gave that up when he realised I wasn't into that. Then he suddenly wanted to try again (saying it would be hard but he didn't see the harm in trying). We tried again for three weeks, of which the first week was amazing and then I went on holiday and he started detaching again. He broke up with me again at the end of those three weeks and that was at the beginning of january. I haven't heard from him since. I did send him a postcard about three days after our break-up thanking him for everything and wishing him the very best and saying how I hoped we wouldn't be out of eachothers lives completely and that I'd always be there for him. He never replied to that.

So now it's been a month no contact and I just can't get him out of my head. I keep blaming myself for all the mistakes I made and I would give everything to have him in my arms again. I know he's probably already with another though, because that's the way he is. I keep thinking of whether or not I should contact him, but I just have no idea how he'll react to this. Will he be nice? Will he want me back? Or will he ignore me? Or get angry at me for no reason? Or will he be pissed at me because I applied for a  board year at the rowing association we were both a member of, but which he hated at the end and of which he always got really annoyed and angry if I did anything there? Because he'll hate it that I'd want to spent an entire year running that way. It's the perfect reason for him to paint me black forever, whereas before he didn't really have a reason. I'm quite scared of his reaction, I want him to think of me as a good person. He's just so unpredictable, I really don't know.

Have you ever initiated contact yourself (after a long period of no contact) and did it work out?

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[Alprofit]

From my own personal experience my exes have always resurfaced once I decided I was over it. And that's not just exclusive to my ex uBPD. It's just with her it's an actual cycle... .on steroids. What I do when me & my ex uBPD are on a break and I think I'm starting to miss her, I just sit down and write every foul thing she's ever said or done to me. That always snaps me out of whatever longing I thought was welling up inside me. Think of it as a staring contest. First person to blink loses. With relationships, the first person to initiate contact concedes their power to other. At least that's how I see it.

[blooming]

From my own personal experience my exes have always resurfaced once I decided I was over it. And that's not just exclusive to my ex uBPD. It's just with her it's an actual cycle... .on steroids. What I do when me & my ex uBPD are on a break and I think I'm starting to miss her, I just sit down and write every foul thing she's ever said or done to me. That always snaps me out of whatever longing I thought was welling up inside me. Think of it as a staring contest. First person to blink loses. With relationships, the first person to initiate contact concedes their power to other. At least that's how I see it.

But a month no contact is a very very long time, I really think he must be over me now and found a good replacement. Because both the times before this he came back a lot earlier. The first time he came back he knew I was definitely not over it because I had begged him to come back in the two conversations we had in those two weeks. The second time I think he did think I was getting over him, because I was in a much better place then. And I think I already blinked right? By sending him that postcard which he ignored?

[Alprofit]

All I can say is that it gets easier and better with the more time that passes when doing NC. From my experience, all my exes that ever resurfaced did it as soon as I started hanging and having fun again. It's like they have a sixth sense. If he does have a replacement, they're going to eventually suffer too. Guaranteed.

[EdR]

Hi Blooming!

So we meet again here   
Like I said: I am struggling as well. I can rationally be of help, but emotionally I really DO understand your struggles. 100% However from that POV my help is very limited...

Maybe my thread can be of use. It is somewhat similar. Could be a starting point for further questions here?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320563.0

[blooming]

All I can say is that it gets easier and better with the more time that passes when doing NC. From my experience, all my exes that ever resurfaced did it as soon as I started hanging and having fun again. It's like they have a sixth sense. If he does have a replacement, they're going to eventually suffer too. Guaranteed.

Yeah I guess it gets easier, it's just that I would love to hear from him and to know how he's doing. And maybe having contact and realising he really isn't interested in me anymore will help me let go? I don't know. Because I'm noticing that I'm not able to let go.

[blooming]

Hi Blooming!

So we meet again here   
Like I said: I am struggling as well. I can rationally be of help, but emotionally I really DO understand your struggles. 100% However from that POV my help is very limited...

Maybe my thread can be of use. It is somewhat similar. Could be a starting point for further questions here?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320563.0

Haha hi EdR! I read your thread! I would love to be able to have low contact with my ex too. It's just that I, like you, don't know if that is possible in a normal way. I'm just scared for what he will do when I contact him. Because I'm not sure I could handle him being angry at mean right now.

[Alprofit]

Yeah I guess it gets easier, it's just that I would love to hear from him and to know how he's doing. And maybe having contact and realising he really isn't interested in me anymore will help me let go? I don't know. Because I'm noticing that I'm not able to let go.

Relationships with BPDs are intense and can be very very very overwhelming. When my pwBPD decides to up and leave now I breathe a sigh of relief. It's actually a reprieve from being inundated and consumed by the relationship. The number of times I've been recycled is actually greater than the amount of time we've been together. No sense in being overwhelmed in both his presence and absence.

[Jeffree]

blooming,

In my saner moments I tend to see my life on a long timeline where I can better see that I have generally not been able to have what I want when I want it. Some things I have already had and might not have again. Other things I am working toward having. And other things it would take a miracle to have.

A month can seem like a really long time of NC, but in the grander scheme of things it can be hardly any time at all.

Perhaps you will have everything you want with this person, just not now and apparently not on your schedule.

Make the most of every moment of your life the best you can because you never know what may happen.

J

[blooming]

blooming,

In my saner moments I tend to see my life on a long timeline where I can better see that I have generally not been able to have what I want when I want it. Some things I have already had and might not have again. Other things I am working toward having. And other things it would take a miracle to have.

A month can seem like a really long time of NC, but in the grander scheme of things it can be hardly any time at all.

Perhaps you will have everything you want with this person, just not now and apparently not on your schedule.

Make the most of every moment of your life the best you can because you never know what may happen.

J

Jeffree, your comments are always so enlightening. I wish I could think like you. You always say what I would want to feel like. I wish I could live in the moment and just let everything be and accept what the future will bring. It's just so hard to let go. To let go of our relationship and of him. It hurts so much to think that he has already moved on and isn't struggling like I am. Oh, what I would give to hold him in my arms again...

[EdR]

Hi Blooming!

Well, tbh we are in a different position here. So we can give you the advice we probably struggle ourselves with to implement correctly in our own situation.

For the pwBPD feelings=fact. For us NONs it is not. So that causes this odd and hard discrepancy between our rational thoughts and our feelings... .

[blooming]

Hi Blooming!

Well, tbh we are in a different position here. So we can give you the advice we probably struggle ourselves with to implement correctly in our own situation.

For the pwBPD feelings=fact. For us NONs it is not. So that causes this odd and hard discrepancy between our rational thoughts and our feelings... .

What do you mean exactly by feelings being fact for persons with BPD?

[EdR]

What do you mean exactly by feelings being fact for persons with BPD?

That's probably one of the main characteristics of the illness.

Let's say for some reason the pwBPD doesn't like you as much anymore. From that moment you will have become a different person for the pwBPD. You'll be almost the evil one. All your past experiences together will be seen in a different light to fit this new feeling. And this feeling has thus become a fact.

It ties in with their black and white thinking and thus the changes from idealisation to devaluation.

Some changed feeling for you, will change the   notion of you in its entirety.

[blooming]

That's probably one of the main characteristics of the illness.

Let's say for some reason the pwBPD doesn't like you as much anymore. From that moment you will have become a different person for the pwBPD. You'll be almost the evil one. All your past experiences together will be seen in a different light to fit this new feeling. And this feeling has thus become a fact.

It ties in with their black and white thinking and thus the changes from idealisation to devaluation.

Some changed feeling for you, will change the   notion of you in its entirety.

Oh yeah I understand! That makes sense, I guess that's what happened with me and my ex. But he didn't really understand it himself either? Do BPD's normally understand their switch in behaviour? Because he said he didn't want to be around me anymore and was irritated by me a lot, but he didn't understand why he was feeling that because I did nothing wrong. (He said that when he had a very clear mind, because he has blamed me of ruining everything  and doing loads of things wrong in the relationship in the weeks before that conversation)

[EdR]

Oh yeah I understand! That makes sense, I guess that's what happened with me and my ex. But he didn't really understand it himself either? Do BPD's normally understand their switch in behaviour? Because he said he didn't want to be around me anymore and was irritated by me a lot, but he didn't understand why he was feeling that because I did nothing wrong. (He said that when he had a very clear mind, because he has blamed me of ruining everything  and doing loads of things wrong in the relationship in the weeks before that conversation)

Normally (without extensive therapy) they do not.
To them their feelings are facts. So it is not THEY who are changing... .it is all because of you. You became the evil one, it is all your fault. "why don't you understand?"

In reality you didn't change at all, or maybe made a very minor remark which triggered this enormous emotional shift and their distorted thoughts.