Rollercoaster ride:Need advice on ' contract to live home'

[struggling2letgo]

Hi there,

Well, since I last posted, I have permitted my daughter to come home and sleep in the basement ( not reenter her old room)

I wanted to know if anyone has set up a written contract, so to speak, with specific boundaries for their BPD family member.

She is terrified to live alone. I am terrified to live with her, but she was having panic attacks when alone, and would smash her head against the wall or with her fists to try to knock herself out/ reset the panic= not really sure ... .

I find this so hard- I love her , but I cannot live with her and remain healthy.

I am thinking of sitting with her this coming weekend to discuss the 'low bar boundaries based on my values ( I read the family connections tools)

If anyone has done this, and had success- I would so appreciate your advice. I know all BPD people are unique , but maybe YOU did something that worked.

Thanks so much

S2let go

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DaughterofBPDmum]

  Struggling2letgo
Oh, I really don't know what to say, I can only talk about my experience with my BPD mum, and moving out from her house has helped me a lot, but here things are different since your daughter is suffering from panic, it is great that you are trying to help her, it must be very hard to have a child with BPD traits, at least, is she taking meds for the panic attacks? Maybe check that she actually takes the pills?

Is she going to T?

I think that younger generations are more used to psychologists, but BPD people tend not to like T.

As for the contract, I am trying to think about what my mom would do, she is not a person who can keep her word, and she wouldn't mind breaking the contract, but I don't know your daughter. Can you talk to her doctors?

I hope someone with more experience answers this post soon and more importantly I hope that she gets better soon and your relationship gets better.

I have felt terrified of being alone while I underwent major depression and my dad, brother, and boyfriend were very supportive and sometimes took turns, so I can understand that in a way, I don't think I've had panic attacks, but I was afraid of being alone because my negative thoughts would creep in, I would cry nonstop and I couldn't be alone with myself, my heartbeat started speeding, and just by having dad, brother or boyfriend around, I got a little better. I spent months without seeing friends or acquaintances, but that's what depression is like, you tend to avoid people. Be patient with her in that respect, I have even felt safe next to my mum while depressed, I think it is to do with the fact that it is someone you know and not a stranger.

Sending you a warm hug,
DofBPDM

[Huat]

Hi Struggling2letgo

I've read your past posts and in one you mentioned about having a counsellor for yourself.  Is that still the case?   Number 1 is that you have to look after yourself and having that kind of support would be so important.

I think the idea of a Contract is a good idea.  It may work... .it may not... .but you are certainly not losing anything by trying.  Maybe your daughter has to see expectations down in writing.

I'm sure a lot of thought went into making the decision to let her come back into the house.  I think it was wise move on your part to not let her go back into her old room.

So now... .babysteps.  Bottom line is that only you can make decisions regarding what to do with your daughter but I hope you keep posting and using this forum as a sounding board as you move forward.  We are here to support each other.

Here is a ((HUG) from one Mom to another.

Huat

[bluek9]

Hi Struggling2letgo, Bluek9 here. My BPD D had lived with me until she was 16 then I made use of adult foster care homes. I simply had to do something for my own sanity. Then at age 20 she had to come home, it was not the ideal situation. My daughter has very low executive functioning. I'm all about having healthy boundaries, she has none. What worked for us was to sit down and talk about own perspective of how we thought we wanted things to go. Needless to say nothing we talked about was on the same page. Over the years I have found that working on compromise with her helps a lot. It took us about a month to hammer out a contract of agreement. Yes it was a painful process. My daughter is very impulsive and one of her activities was to bring home strangers. For the life of her she just could not understand why I didn't trust any and everyone. I'm going AHHH strangers in my home and my space. The agreement ended up being that she could bring someone to our house on the following conditions: she had to know them for at least 2 weeks, first and last name, she had to share this information with me, there had to be a set time for this coming over-when I would be there, and there had to be a set time for departure. May sound complicated and time consuming but it gave me some leverage to help her think decisions through, and it gave her the knowledge that I cared enough to listen to her.
    There was another brief time for 1 year that she did not live with me, right after she had her son. She left the state and was homeless on the streets for that year with the baby. I also left the state and went home to Oregon. She make contact and wanted to come home. I told her yes, all I could think of was my grandsons well being. When she got here we sat down and started hammering out boundaries and agreements again. We spent a really wild year of things being horrible. I'm mom and I'm always in for the long haul! We did finally come to agreement, and yes it is in writing, she often needs to look at it just to know that I'm not making things up or changing things to suite myself.
     I'm so sorry that you have to feel terrified to live with your daughter, I completely understand when mine is violent she is vey scary. Remember SELF CARE is everything. Find yourself things that comfort you. Find yourself a counselor, read, go for a walk, treat yourself to a manicure, anything! Keep coming back here, keep learning. This board has been a life saver for me. Huat has been a great support for me. I hope this helps you.