Breakup Threats -- How Do You Deal With Them?

[AgileElephant]

Hey Skip, I do like the idea of a hard line approach, but am having difficulty seeing how to apply it in certain situations.  For Step 3 as you've outlined it above, let's assume you've got a stay-at-home mom with BPD who is threatening a domestic violence restraining order, and the member works, so can't take care of the kids after school, so it's hard to ask the stay-at-home pwBPD to move out.  Hmmm... .and let's further toughen the situation by saying that the member wanted to try to work on the relationship, and was not willing at the time to follow through on a divorce.  Speaking purely hypothetically of course   If the member's behavior were to say, "I don't want that, I believe we can make it, but I can't stop you." for every divorce threat from #1 through #441, how might he do better?  Hypothetically.

RC

Dear God this is pretty much my exact situation. Endless threats, endless rage. And a kid with her own issues in the middle.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[IWantToLive]

I have dealt with wedding ring throwing for my entire marriage but now it has been removed since Jul17. 

Same here. The wedding ring was thrown so many times and one day when the diamond came off the ring, since then there is no wedding ring. Many times she cribs that I don't get her a wedding ring. Multiple times I have taken her to shops as well (didn't bring myself as she always complained about the original one how she didn't like it) but every time for some excuse or other she refused purchasing. She knows she herself is refusing but for all practical purposes, I am not getting her one.

[IWantToLive]

I agree with this idea that it basically crumbles the relationship down to nothing. How often did you hear them? And over what ostensibly?

I've felt like at times the longest my relationship "lasts" is one week... .the maximum was up to one and half months last year. So, that does not feel like a serious, long-term relationship to me. Ever. It feels like a temp job. I've found it extremely difficult to bond because of it. Do others notice this too? For me this basically set up a horrible pattern. One I may no longer have the energy to resist. It has simply done too much damage. And no matter how I try to contain it the energy of it is enormous and just keeps seeping into and damaging other parts of my life.

For example, I had shielded my family from it. Now that it is seeping out it has damaged even bigger swaths of my life - really hurt things for me with my family that I can never repair and ironically damaging my ability to leave him as he's demanded many times of me out of his "pain".

Every bit of what you have mentioned here is my story too. With 2 kids, I have never been able to muster courage to tell my BPD wife to go ahead and get divorce filed. I too have seen papers. Spoken to lawyers but when it comes to execution time, she backs off. She once got me sign divorce papers by hiding my passport when I was about to travel for an international trip.

I am now no more passionate about my relationship. Wish I had experienced all this before kids happened.

[Enabler]

Recently due to the emotional detachment by W I have started "just doing it for me (and the kids)". Where once I was running around attempting to salve W's stresses (of which there were numerous) I now have a lot of time on my hands to achieve the things I want to do... .

Enabler - The kids and I are doing XYZ this afternoon, fancy coming
Wife - No
Enabler - Fine, see you later, I prepared diner and it's in the oven, nothing for you to do... .laters! 

I'm pretty sure it bugs the hell out of her that I can function without her say so. I'm also planning on doing non-divorce focussed things like getting D9's bedroom desk, delayed due to being unsure whether a desk would be able to fit into a new smaller house post divorce. Blinds for D7 delayed due to "what's the point if we're selling the house in divorce". I'm not having my life put on hold any longer.

[lighthouse9]

This thread has been great but tough to read, thank you everyone for contributing and RC for starting it off.

I'm either at the beginning of the breakup threats or this one time is for real - time will tell. My wife said she wanted a divorce, somewhat out of left field, in the beginning of January and has since moved out. I've asked for a therapeutic separation and for her to take some time and do some counseling before making a final decision. At first, she seemed on board, then she started screaming at me for not doing what she wanted (giving her a divorce). I did what a lot of you have done: Said that this isn't something I want, said that I desire and believe in reconciliation with time, therapy, and distance, and said that if she wants a divorce so badly then she can visit a lawyer and get the paperwork started. I haven't heard anything about the d word since then (this was a few weeks ago), but time will tell.

She came over yesterday to pick up some stuff she left at the house and didn't bring it up at all. I know full well that she could see a lawyer at any point and end things, and I know not to read into her friendliness and calm right now. But, if I weren't reading our situation within the lens of BPD I'd certainly be confused by someone who was demanding a divorce and then dropped all talk of it, while not saying anything like "hey, I'm going to take my time with this" or "maybe we'll revisit this after some space." Thanks to this board, I can see that it is possible that this is the beginning of a pattern, which gives me a better understanding of how to act, protect myself, and stop the bleed.

Again, could be wrong and could be served papers tomorrow (and wouldn't put it past her), but for now I'm letting this ambiguous space play out and I've made my intentions and boundaries clear.

Also, for the record - d-bombing is a brilliant phrase, and as awful as it is, it makes me laugh a little to think of it that way. I can just picture my spouse throwing a big empty cartoon d-bomb at me and me catching it like it's a volleyball or something. That image is at least a little bit comical. Hope I didn't offend anyone by finding humor in all of this.

[Tired_Dad]

Recently due to the emotional detachment by W I have started "just doing it for me (and the kids)". Where once I was running around attempting to salve W's stresses (of which there were numerous) I now have a lot of time on my hands to achieve the things I want to do... .

Enabler - The kids and I are doing XYZ this afternoon, fancy coming
Wife - No
Enabler - Fine, see you later, I prepared diner and it's in the oven, nothing for you to do... .laters! 

I'm pretty sure it bugs the hell out of her that I can function without her say so. I'm also planning on doing non-divorce focussed things like getting D9's bedroom desk, delayed due to being unsure whether a desk would be able to fit into a new smaller house post divorce. Blinds for D7 delayed due to "what's the point if we're selling the house in divorce". I'm not having my life put on hold any longer.

This rings so true for me and is so similar to what I am going through now.

For whatever reason is in her head my wife is unable to just say yes when asked if she wants to join us, or eat, or if she want's anything at the store while we are out. Yet will rage for hours that we don't include her, prepare food for her (she's vegetarian and anorexic so food is a minefield on its own), or that we don't buy things for her.

I have found that I let her storm pass. That I have no space for it anymore in my life and I will not allow her to use conflict to maintain a "connection" with me.

We recently had a slight thaw where she has now returned to sleeping in bed (on top of the covers, but baby steps for now) and had two knights in a row of intimacy (one night even imitated by her) however, that has now flipped and it is the marriage is no good, no one respects me, you just want me for sex, we don't have a marriage, why do you wear your ring since it is just for show/a lie /etc. continuing on with her waking up hours after us, showering and leaving to then rage at us for not asking her where she is going (when normally she rages if we ask where she is going) then returning to the isolation of the upstairs bedroom.

I guess my point is that it comes down to the overarching inability to take accountability or responsibility for their own choices and actions. Threatening divorce without action is like every other empty promise or intent in their lives from their promise to love us, leave us, find someone else, get a job, keep a job or kill themselves. To me the prevalent trait is the inability to follow through or be stable with anything, including divorce.

[Tired_Dad]

This thread has been great but tough to read, thank you everyone for contributing and RC for starting it off.

I'm either at the beginning of the breakup threats or this one time is for real - time will tell. My wife said she wanted a divorce, somewhat out of left field, in the beginning of January and has since moved out.

If you have not yet consulted a lawyer do so. Depending on what you locality is her leaving may give you significant leverage during a divorce. Make sure that you keep a journal, meet her in open places, have the GPS of your phone record where you are as it is very possible that she could claim abuse. Keep all texts and emails... .everything. It may sound ridiculously paranoid but if she is tearing you down behind your back to her friends and family she to what she believes is abusive it can set the stage for many legal problems for you.

Be strong, stand for what you need and take a close look inward to see if you really need her in your life or if you only want her in your life.

[Enabler]

It may sound ridiculously paranoid but if she is tearing you down behind your back to her friends and family she to what she believes is abusive it can set the stage for many legal problems for you.

Threatening divorce but not following through with it IS ABUSE.

Yes, we could leave, but so could the man/woman threatened with physical harm.

[lighthouse9]

Thanks all - I've talked to a lawyer and have what I need documented. Her leverage is low and I'm prepared to end it if things take a turn in the wrong direction. We've already divided our assets and have everything written out, and there wasn't much to divide. Bases covered, but I appreciate the concern.

She can tear me down all she wants behind my back, but the people that would believe it are not credible, and the ones who are credible both know better and will not want to get involved. Similar story here - I haven't torn her down to others and have been careful in the way I talk about it.

I don't agree with the statement that threatening divorce but not following through with it is abuse. If it's a tactic to manipulate someone, then sure, it is a form of emotional abuse, as is any other manipulative tactic. A lot of people get to the point where they think divorce is the only way out, and then with some time realize there's another solution. Not defending anyone's partner or mine who has threatened divorce, but given that I'm at the first threat, I'm prone to take this one seriously and protect myself accordingly, while still stating what I desire (reconciliation) and the terms upon which it is possible.

[Enabler]

Small JADE here but I meant in reference to our pwBPD who regularly threaten divorce in what seems like an attempt to gain obedience or instill pain fear and chaos.