My BPD mother passed away

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello
My mother passed away at age 78 . The last 10 years- after the death of my father- were a nightmare... still I never gave up to stand by her side. I only found out recently (post mortem) she suffered from BPD. I now have to give this a place. I understand much more what happened. Even now I still find letters from her blaming me and my ex for all kinds of possible things or denigrating me and my ex. One of the reasons my husband and I divorced is the immense pressure she has put on our family. I understand it was beyond herself but I felt that I never had support somewhere. Nobody understood that at times I hated my mother. Fortunately she was a good grandmother although my children ( now18 and 21) have suffered because of her rage against many people... esp care givers. I would like to hear what I can do to place all this in a good context.
Thanks

[Xuxa]

Hello
My mother passed away at age 78 . The last 10 years- after the death of my father- were a nightmare... still I never gave up to stand by her side. I only found out recently (post mortem) she suffered from BPD. I now have to give this a place. I understand much more what happened. Even now I still find letters from her blaming me and my ex for all kinds of possible things or denigrating me and my ex. One of the reasons my husband and I divorced is the immense pressure she has put on our family. I understand it was beyond herself but I felt that I never had support somewhere. Nobody understood that at times I hated my mother. Fortunately she was a good grandmother although my children ( now18 and 21) have suffered because of her rage against many people... esp care givers. I would like to hear what I can do to place all this in a good context.
Thanks

[Panda39]

Hi Xuna,

  Welcome  

Full disclosure, I'm not the child of a BPD Parent, I'm here because my significant other has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and they share 2 daughters who I try to support.

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mother    and yes having a BPD Family member is full of conflicting emotions.  My feelings towards my SO's ex have ranged from anger to compassion, I can only imagine how much deeper those kinds feelings go when it's your mom.  I observe this type of thing in my SO's daughters when it comes to their mom.


When reading your post it sounded like learning about BPD was new to you, so I thought I'd give you a couple reading suggestions about BPD if you're interested.  It helped me a great deal when I first found out about BPD to get a good understanding of what it is so I hit my local library.

Below are two that I thought were good... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder : A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

Also, check out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information just click on what resonates with you.

Greiving is hard no matter what, take care of you   

I'm glad you've found us this is a great place for support and understanding we all get it.  I know other members with more direct experiences that relate to yours will be along soon but I did want to touch base and give you a welcome.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Xuxa]

Thanks for the empathy and the suggested reading. Indeed, everything is quite new to me. I start a process of understanding and mourning... .Step by step... .
All the support I can get is welcome...

[Turkish]

Hi Xuxa,

I'd like to join Panda39 in welcoming you here.

Finding things like the letters sound tough. I helped one of my friends clear out his mother's house after her passing and we found things we (he) wished we'd not found.  She was likely BPD and/or schizophrenic.

Why,  may I ask, did you hate your mother? No one will judge you here for your feelings. What pain did she cause you? How did your kids suffer?

T

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Xuxa,

Welcome to our family.   I'm sorry about the loss of your mom, but even that's a hard thing, I know, or it can be. 

I only found out recently (post mortem) she suffered from BPD. I now have to give this a place.

Good for you for seeking to find and understand the truth. You are on a journey! We are here to go with you, and I am walking right along with you because my mom was also uBPD. There was one day when I opened up a box that contained a bunch of old letters from my mom, and I began reading. I wish I hadn't. On one hand I found validation that she really was unstable and inappropriate towards me. On the other, they were triggering, and I could not go any further. My T told me there was no obligation to read them ever again. How freeing! You have that same freedom to make the choice that is best for you. What do you think you will do with the letters for now?

Here is a link to a book review that you might find helpful as you start this journey:

Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother

What do you feel may be some of the effects upon you that you can put your finger on so far?

 
Wools

[Xuxa]

Hello Woolspinner,

When I found out my mum had BPD after her death, I felt
1) relieved that I finally can understand what happened all those years
2) overwhelmed since
  a) I now understand how much she suffered all these years esp the last ten years after the death of my father. She sometimes mentioned that she did not want to behave so nasty towards people... .I used to be very tired when she told this because I thaugt that she was able to prevent aggressive/emotional outbursts towards different kinds of people
   b) I can not help wondering how my life would have looked differently if I would not have had a BPD mother; I now have the impression I have sacrified a big part of my life to trying to cope with her behaviour or the consequences :I tolerate a lot from people even if they misbehave towards me; it is difficult for me to draw the line; it is hard to know who I am exactly : my mother often denigrated me or bullied me in front of other people so I held back... .I have no intention to live in the past; I will not reread her letters and will not take them personnally, so it is not so much about "she is not right" but rather "how can I change my behaviours that I have learnt as a child"... .
   c) I am wondering whether my kids can be affected. My daugther (21 yrs) sometimes feels depressed and instable; she was wondering whether she could have inherited the BPD.

I know, many thoughts... .

[zachira]

First, I want to give you my condolences for such a painful loss.  I am sad that you had a mother who mistreated you, and did not give you the love and respect that every child, even an adult child, deserves. My mother who has BPD just turned 98, and I dread her death because I know I will be sad about the finality of never having a loving mother, and all the painful memories. Sometimes the best way to grieve and heal is to set aside some times and dates to think about how this loss has affected you. This way you do not bottle up your feelings, and over time hopefully will feel better. I have been in therapy for several years now because I feel it is the one place I can talk about  how my relationship with my mother affects me, and I often find that friends and family are well treated by mom, and they never see how badly she treats her children in private.

[Woolspinner2000]

Xuxa,

Thank you for your response. From the things you shared, I'd definitely recommend that you take a look at the book I suggested. I've read it, and I think you'll be able to relate to the feelings the author shares from her personal life.

All those things you shared are so applicable to the members here. You put it quite succinctly. Take your time on this journey. Post your thoughts and questions here, share with us the challenges you face. It is all a part of the journey, and we will go on it with you.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

I read the Missing book Wools recommended in Reply#4. I recommend it as well. 

Hello Woolspinner,

When I found out my mum had BPD after her death, I felt
2) overwhelmed since
  a) I now understand how much she suffered all these years esp the last ten years after the death of my father. She sometimes mentioned that she did not want to behave so nasty towards people... .I used to be very tired when she told this because I thaugt that she was able to prevent aggressive/emotional outbursts towards different kinds of people

This is a common question that members struggle with on all of the boards here.  I would sum it up like,  "if you can help it,  why don't you? And why do you single me out for abuse behind closed doors?"

I once asked my ex, "what goes through your mind when you are angry or raging?" She replied,  "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" Oy vey, what do you do with that?

The Duluth Model of domestic abuse offers that abusers can help it and that abuse is a choice. As a child, of any age,  the question becomes,  "you chose to have me.  Why do you treat me so?" What do you think?

b) I can not help wondering how my life would have looked differently if I would not have had a BPD mother; I now have the impression I have sacrified a big part of my life to trying to cope with her behaviour or the consequences :I tolerate a lot from people even if they misbehave towards me; it is difficult for me to draw the line; it is hard to know who I am exactly :

"Enmeshment" is a pathological term (I hear the voice of my therapist in my head saying "not everything needs to be pathologized".

Struggling with differentiation of self is a common struggle for children of pwBPD,  however.  In my early 40s, my mother was still sending me signals that I hadn't done much in life.  Are was still talking about me going to nursing school to be a nurse like her,  even though she did nothing but complain about nursing as long as I could remember.  Why would she want me to be like her? The paralle side of that are parents who constantly denigrate their offspring. Both have to do with them not us.

   I have no intention to live in the past; I will not reread her letters and will not take them personnally, so it is not so much about "she is not right" but rather "how can I change my behaviours that I have learnt as a child"... .

This is great. Go Xuxa! 

 c) I am wondering whether my kids can be affected. My daugther (21 yrs) sometimes feels depressed and instable; she was wondering whether she could have inherited the BPD.

This is another common feeling by some members here.  My son, 8, is diagnosed with Level 1 autism,  what they used to call Asperger's.  He's emotionally sensitive and lives in his head a lot.  We take what we are given,  and though there can be bio factors,  we aren't machines. The validation tools in the lessons at the top of the board can help (they work on anybody). I never wanted kids due to a physical genetic condition that I have. I didn't want to pass it on and to have my kids suffer like I did.  However,  I was given what I was given,  and being aware,  I can be there for them instead of them being alone like I was.