Calling all parents - lets jump in together here, get to know each other

[wendydarling]

Hello everyone 

I've been reading your great threads, posts, support you are gifting each other and thought hey let's have a topic we can all jump into, get to know each other, as I have personally learnt right here with bpdfamily parents forming relationships has seen me  through my darkest of days and gifted me the learning and answers to my unique situation, we search.

Let's talk oxygen

You'll have seen this as you read through lessons and posts, when we fly on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs us to put our oxygen mask on first, before helping others.  Why is this an important rule for ensuring survival?  Because if we run out of oxygen, we can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask.

This is an important metaphor for those of us who run around taking care of everything and everyone else except ourselves.

If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can experience burnout, stress, fatigue, reduced mental effectiveness, health problems, anxiety, frustration, inability to sleep.  Been there, got the badge!

Sounds simple and we know it is not as we work hard to keep our balance today, tomorrow,... .

Here we go, let's share what oxygen has, is working right now for us? Think long, wide, breadth, deep. Anything goes!

Here is my first share.

When my 29DD was in cycle of that darn emergency room, the greatest relief I found was lying on my lounge floor and just keeping still for 10 or so minutes, feeling my body sink into the floor, focusing on the relief of my body, emptying my mind. Such a little thing made a huge difference for me at that time. I still practice this when I arrive home from work, it's part of my self care routine 

Who is next?

Reminder anything goes! 

WDx 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Ok WDx, here goes, thanks for the invitation. Bluek9 here. I first learnt self care in recovery 28 years ago. The most important lesson was not to let myself get into HALT. That stands for H:hungry, A:angry, L:lonley, T:tired. May sound silly, you think everybody knows when they are one of these things right? Yeah well try being a parent to a BPD child. I found myself a lot of times working so hard to manage life in general I wasn't paying attention to my own needs. Just take 10 seconds and think about each of these factors, break them down. I read so often in the posts that parents are expressing at least one of these things.
    In 2005 desperate for help for my stress I found the Silva mind method. Well known and practiced all over the world. It gave me the foundation for meditation. Same concept as the oxygen mask, yourself first. Now every night after the hassles of the day I lay in bed in the peace and quiet, sink into the comfort and go inside to my quiet place. This usually takes me a good 15 minutes to just let the thoughts come full bore, I look at each one and then release it. I don't need to relive it or work through it, or solve it, it simply is. After the release there is peace, serenity and calm. When I'm done I tell myself the day was what it is, tomorrow is another day. If I think I didn't get something right today, I have tomorrow to work on it again or change my approach.
    Hope that's what you were looking for. I love the sharing that goes on here, it helps so much. There is no way any one of us can come up with all the answers. Here there are always ideas, options and hope. I'll be interested to keep up on all the posts to this thread.

[MomMae]

What a great thread, wendydarling! I love what you and bluek9 do to help take care of yourselves!  What came to mind for me was a little less deep, .  Really rather simplistic, actually, but it worked for me and my husband when things were at their worst with our daughter and we really just needed to push it from our minds.

You did say anything goes, Wendy! 

We played a card/board game called Double Fives.  It uses just enough brain power that you do not have time to think of other things, but not so much that you are drained, or just don't have the energy to contemplate playing.  Each game only lasts about 15 minutes... .Some days when we just did not have the gumption to do anything else, we would play it over and over for hours.

It worked for us.  We spent time together, knowing we were both of the same mindset... .but it stopped us from ruminating on the situation endlessly and pointlessly, something that serves no purpose and is just emotionally exhausting. 

We still play that game a lot.  It is therapeutic for us, and I am ever so glad it was there for us when we needed it

[Feeling Better]

Walking with my dog!

I walk my dog anyway, but whenever I am experiencing difficult and emotional feelings, I find it to be especially beneficial, I just walk and walk and walk. Whilst I am walking I am processing all those thoughts whirring about inside my head. It helps me to put things back into perspective and I have a great companion while I’m doing it. I usually return home in a much calmer and happier frame of mind. Not a quick fix I know, but it works for me and I love it.

Another thing I do is a tai chi and qigong class once a week, I feel really relaxed after doing the qigong and I sometimes practice it at home too, but what I need to do is get into the habit of doing it everyday, just ten minutes is enough to do the trick x

[kayletta]

My husband and I go to the range together and shoot. We'll even do things like play battleship with a .45. The simple friendly competition is enough to provide mental clarity and putting bullets through 3/4" squares takes a lot of focus. The whole world flows away and its just that colored dot on the paper and the sights on the gun.

We also take the weekly half hour while our younger daughter is at voice lessons to just be together. We don't talk about the problems during this time... .its our connection time. It's about us. We wander the mall, talk about silly stuff, and get Jamba juice smoothies for everyone when we leave to pick the kid up.

For myself, I read a lot. I'm (un)lucky enough to have a long commute to work, so I read on the bus every single weekday. I also indulge in video games when I get the chance, which isn't often, but I take the minutes I can get.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Anything goes? Well, okay then! 

I like to play MMO (massively multiplayer online) games with my boyfriend and friends, particularly when I feel stressed. I don't know if it's good or healthy or what. It's a bit of an escape and I enjoy it and I make sure it doesn't interfere with my life. I've read stories of some people becoming addicted to them so I watch out for that. I find it cathartic, actually. I find the soundtrack to be soothing and therapeutic too.

[Yepanotherone]

Mine has to be the most embarrassing in the list so far  

I watch the Bravo channel ... .mind numbing tv . Nothing like it ! I watch ALL the programs on there , but my very favs are The Real housewives And Vanderpump Rules . I’ll also watch The Batchelor , it’s my favorite guilty pleasure   All accompanied by a good old session of Candycrush  

[Merlot]

Hi Wendy Darling 

Great idea to hear what others do!

I'm all the way with "Feelingbetter" below, walking is fabulous :-).  I have a beautiful 5km walk along the ocean that I do very regularly, it's quiet time to process thoughts.

I also play my piano and go to a few gym sessions each week.  Great for making molehills out of mountains :-)

[Huat]

Great topic to get started here, Wendydarling!   Self-care!

I'm one of the more "weathered" or "battle-scarred" Mom's participating on/in this forum.  The journey my husband and I have travelled with our now 51-year-old, uBPD daughter has been a long one... .fraught with many tears... .much anguish... .but, thankfully, interspersed with periods of "normality."  (Then again... .what is "normal"?)  Can't tell you the number of times her BPD behaviours exploded to the surface... .broadsiding us.  Can't tell you the number of times our (now 55+ year) marriage was put to the test.  I, her Mom, am her nemesis... .not her Dad, her "hero."  Get the picture?

Ever heard/read the line... ."with age comes wisdom"?  I would like to think that is the case with me... .a slow, slow learner, though!  Oh well... .I am learning to accept what is... .IS... .and deal with it accordingly... .as best I can.  How liberating that has been for me.  Once I started to understand that concept, I was able to move on and find the time to look after ME.  I like to use the word "compartmentalize"... .the daughter I will always love (but not always like!) is in one compartment and a work-in-progress. 

Other compartments?  Well... .I find places where I can volunteer... .I read... .I walk... .I work on "mindfulness" (you can Google that)... .I dabble with meditation.  Yadda, yadda... .whatever! More works-in-progress.  Gee!  Life can be a "good busy" when getting filled with other things.

While I feel ill-equipped to pass along any suggestions as to how another parent should deal with their child, I feel my mission is to convey to those parents the need to look after themselves - not exhaust all their energies on their child. 

I can't sing the praises of this forum enough.  An important part of the healing is knowing that you are not alone in your problems.  Don't you hate it when you hear someone say, "I know how you feel!"?  Yeah, right!  There they sit with a latte in their hands... .more than likely childless, too!  Well, that ain't the case here!

Onward and upward! 

Huat   ; )

[Daisy123]

Wendy- what an important post. As others have said, it is so easy to get lost in the chaos created by BPD. Well I did the opposite, I didn’t take care of myself and ended up really sick. I have bipolar disorder and because I didn’t take care- I went into a mania and plunged into a year long dark depression becoming suicidal and homocidal. Depression has a fantastic way of lying to you. Well last year I heard the evil lies of depression. I had thoughts of killing my self and my BPDd. I thought this was the only way to be free of the madness. I sought an intensive outpatient program and had to take a leave from work. In the IOP, I learned a number of ways to alter the brain chemistry. When overwhelmed with those horrific thoughts, I’d find the most difficult pattern in an adult coloring book and color. It took concentration and therefore a vacation from a nightmarish monkey mind. My husband will turn on music and make me dance, I’ll sit on the back porch, look up at the sky and breathe. I met a group of people in IOP. We see each other regularly, check in and just do silly things when one of us gets low. We’ll find a park and lay in the grass and just watch the clouds. This is a strange one- when I’m overwhelmed with all of my BPDd19 I’ll bake. Lastly, my husband and I will find a funny movie to watch, just to escape.

[1hope]

Wendydarling,
This thread is fantastic!  Thanks for starting it!

After many years of stress and worrying, I have finally started to look after myself.  My husband and I now enjoy time outside together... .biking, kayaking, and walking along the lake (when the weather is nice).  I go to the gym twice a week to work out (sometimes it's to literally "work out" my feelings and frustration). 

We go to counselling for ourselves, although our DD19 no longer goes.  It helps us work through issues, concerns, and helps us realize that we have a "new normal".

I have been exploring mindfulness too.  When I am stressed, I take time, acknowledge my feelings, and let them go.  I listen to calm music on YouTube or Spotify before I go to sleep.  I make time each night to read, as I have always found that to be relaxing. It helps me sleep better.

Another thing I do is check in here.  I find such comfort in knowing I'm not alone! 

Lastly, I find the Serenity prayer grounds me:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
It reminds me that I can only do so much... .my DD needs to make the choice to change when she is ready.  All I can to is accept this, and be there for her.  ❤️

1hope

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yat4]

Whew! I am very new to this diagnosis, but not to the disease. I wish I had known a long time ago and I would have put my oxygen mask on much sooner! This past year has taken me and my husband to the edge of the cliff. After I found out, I have done my best to set boundaries and avoid the FOG, but it hasn't been without repercussions.  We are still weathering the storm, but watching it from a distance instead of sitting in the middle of it.
I have started really trying to be in the now, practicing mindfulness. There is so much pleasure all around if you pay attention. Warm sun, rustling leaves, happy dogs chewing bones, tails thumping. I have also started Tai Chi. It's harder than it looks! Thank you all for being here for support!