I apologized after 2 weeks of No Contact

[savreina]

I broke N.C. after almost 2 weeks & apologized for the harsh things I said... I didn’t get a response which is fine, I didn’t apologize for her to forgive me necessarily but In my mind I apologized so I could forgive myself for allowing her to take me out of my character. I just hope she doesn’t think I’m weak because I’m not. I did what I felt was right

[Pencil sketch]

Hi saverina, I think alot of us struggle with this, this is the whole paradox, their behaviour drives alot of us to the edge, and we behave in ways, that are totally alien to many of us, when, in reality, it should be them. I did the same, several times, but of course, she twists it around, saying it's shallow, and insincere, which starts the whole process off again.
They know, they are wrong, but don't have the emotional  capacity to recognise it, so it's just projected.
I did read something, that resonated, the pain we are experiencing as a result of the demise of our relationships, is the pain they are trying to avoid.
This is so very hard, but I wouldn't wanr to live behind a shield of denial all my life.
You did the right thing.

[savreina]

I really do hope that one day she realizes her faults in all of this. She realized before so she has to have the capability of it this time. I know she’s hurt by what I said but I’m also hurt by her behavior. It’s a lose lose situation honestly.

[Lucky Jim]

their behaviour drives alot of us to the edge, and we behave in ways, that are totally alien to many of us,

Sad but true, Pencil sketch.  During my marriage to my BPDxW, I behaved in ways that were out of character for me.  The interesting thing is, I left those inappropriate behaviors behind upon separating from my BPDxW.  Now I'm back to my normal, calm self and have been in subsequent relationships with no incidents of acting out.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Pencil Sketch, they can absolutely drive someone to the edge and sometimes over it. Some people don’t make it out of these relationships, sadly. The whole spectrum of the disorder and the whole spectrum of nons is amazing in a dark sense. Who meets who, and how everything plays out.

[Lucky Jim]

encil Sketch, they can absolutely drive someone to the edge and sometimes over it. Some people don’t make it out of these relationships, sadly.

Agree.  A BPD r/s can be a deep, dark well from which some fail to emerge.  Two kind friends and a family conducted an intervention on me that gave me the strength to leave my BPDxW.  They probably saved my life.  If that sounds melodramatic, it's not, because I was on a self-destructive path, as JNChell describes.

LJ

[JNChell]

I’m glad that they were there for you LJ. It’s reassuring to see you relate. Thanks.

[savreina]

Through everything that has happened I haven’t had anyone to confide in besides everyone on here. It’s like my “friends” don’t understand how one person has caused me so much trauma because they haven’t had contact with anyone who is borderline. It’s been so frustrating just dealing with all the pain & having to deal with it all alone in a sense. I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on my worst enemy, but I have a lot of faith that time really does heal wounds. I’ll be back to myself in no time & I won’t allow myself to be taken out of character again

[Harley Quinn]

It's good to hear this resolve savreina.  I hope that you have been able to release the guilt that you were feeling around the things you said, and have forgiven yourself now?  Forgiving ourselves for our mistakes can be a difficult thing to do, yet is important.  I hope that you found some peace in sending the message.

Love and light x

[JNChell]

savreina, yes, one of the most difficult aspects of this is not having anyone to talk to that really gets it. We’re here typing when we’d rather be curled up on a couch with a glass of wine explaining this stuff to our best friend, and having them understand where we’re coming from. Unless they’ve been there?... .I did describe some things to my best friend early after the breakup. He did acknowledge what I said by asking, “does she even know that she’s being abusive?”. Since then, I could tell that he didn’t want to hear it if I started to bring it up. His BIL has been a huge help. His stepmom was disordered, so he gets it. Our time for conversation is limited, though. Personally, face to face interactions mean so much more. Sometimes I don’t even want to type here because there is no bond on a screen. It does help, though. The pain, confusion and focus on your ex will start to lift the more that you focus on yourself. A bit of advice that I’ve gotten several times on here is to not allow myself to get stuck in any one stage of grief. Don’t get stuck, savreina. There’s too much life ahead of us to be spinning our tires in the mud. Feel the pain. Sit with it. Don’t think about it. Breathe, and let it pass. Be kind to yourself, savreina. I believe that you’re a sweet person that is hurting more than anyone close to you can understand. In retrospect, thank goodness they don’t get it. Know what I mean? If you can, start to shift your focus onto you, and gradually off of your ex. Become selfish in this. Put yourself first for a while. It doesn’t make you mean or insensitive. Love you. I hope you have a great weekend.

[lovenature]

Welcome to the family

The more you learn and the longer you remain NC the clearer things will become. It will be likely the most pain you will ever go through, but the gift is the chance to live a better way of life.

Take care of yourself.