A recent event has caused my mother to become unglued and it's horrible

[hammeredNail]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to introduce myself to all of you. I was/am desperate to find a place where I can both vent and learn how to deal my BPD mother. While I would really prefer a face to face support group, I figured this would be a good start. My mother has never officially been diagnosed with BPD. But after years of being witness too and being the brunt of her madness I did my research and discovered she is almost a text book case of BPD. When I first discovered this about three years ago I wept for an entire day. For the first time I could put a name to what I had been experiencing. And most importantly, I was finally vindicated that I wasnt the crazy one! Something I always instinctively knew. My mother is now 82. I am her only child. A son. And it has virtually just been myself having to deal with her since I was ten years old. When my father could finally take no more and threw in the towel. A recent event has caused her to become particularly unglued and she is making my life a living Hell. To the point where as soon as the phone rings in the morning I get physically sick to my stomach. Because I know its her, and I know that whats on the other end of that line is going to be horrible. Its like being forced to open a door every morning to a vicious pit bull that you KNOW is going to attack you. It has gotten much worse as of late as she has essentially alienated everyone she knows. Any "friends" or family that still kept in contact with her are dying off. So now her need for validation isnt being filled by anyone anymore. So I have become the lone target. Anyway, I look forward to getting to know all of you and hopefully learn some new things as well as being able for me to talk about my experiences. I have so much I need to get off my chest. Thanks all.

[heartandwhole]

Hi hammeredNail,



Welcome to the community! I'm very sorry to hear that things have gotten so difficult with your mother. That is so stressful to deal with.

You've found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand. The site also has tons of tools and resources that can help you and your relationship.

What usually triggers your mother to become hostile toward you?

Do you have other family and/or friends whom you can confide in about this?

Keep writing. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[hammeredNail]

Hi hammeredNail,



Welcome to the community! I'm very sorry to hear that things have gotten so difficult with your mother. That is so stressful to deal with.

You've found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand. The site also has tons of tools and resources that can help you and your relationship.

What usually triggers your mother to become hostile toward you?

Do you have other family and/or friends whom you can confide in about this?

Keep writing. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

Hi. Thanks so much for the welcome. The trigger? Disagreeing with her about quite literally anything. I learned long ago as a child that to keep the peace I would just have to nod and agree no matter how irrational she was being. She recently self-sabotaged herself (Something she is a master at) and is in full blown martyr mode. Even worse than she usually is. She loves going on the attack first thing in the morning so she can ruin your day and make you feel as crappy as she is. She also knows im not a morning person and cant think clearly until ive been up for about an hour. So for the last two weeks or so the phone rings at 9am like clockwork. I pick up the phone and right from the jump its all negative, negative, negative. "Life sucks, people suck, youre father is a ass (theyve been divorced 40 years), everyones against me, they should be in awe of me after what ive been through. I am an incredibly strong woman. Why dont people see that? If only I had money everything would change and id be happy, etc."

Then its a trip down memory lane about all the people who have ever wronged her. The same tales that I have heard a million times before. Then finally its on to me. So, how are you doing? If I answer 'great!' Im lying. You see, she can read minds. If I answer im feeling crappy. Then its rub salt in the wounds time by reminding me of all the problems I face. Be they financial, professional or personal. Like I dont know what my own problems are. Then comes the criticism and guilt trip. 'If you had only done as I said none of this would ever have happened. You need to do X,Y and Z and if you dont you will be sorry.' Then I inform her I am a 50 year old man in charge of my own destiny for the one billionth time and that I didn't ask for her advice. And that I will fall or stand on my own choices. Then comes long the long drawn out sigh followed by, "Okay. Whatever. Youre just like your father. I really worry. I dont know whats going to become of you? You have no money, no future. You havent even given me any grandkids." 

Thats when I finally snapped. She was intentionally pushing my buttons. I yelled at her and told her to stop trying to pick a fight with me! And do you know what her reply was? "Why?" Thats when I hung up on her. That was two days ago. How do you deal with someone like that? Its sadistic!

As for friends and family to talk too about this? No. Not really. Its my own fault however. I am naturally an introvert. And I tend to self isolate as I have trust and fear issues when it comes to making and having relationships. Gee. I wonder why? Its something I am really trying to work on. Im trying to find a good therapist right now to help me with that. Sorry for the long drawn out response. But writing about this was actually quite helpful. I needed to get that off my chest.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome HammeredNail! 

I'd like to join Heartandwhole in welcoming you to our family. I'm also really glad you shared about the struggle with your mom. I cannot imagine picking up the phone every morning and hearing that! That would give anyone indigestion! Have you thought about any options such as turning the ringer off and only answering every other day for starters? Do you feel that you would pay for that infraction any more than you already do when you answer each day?

Keep looking for a T to help you, one who is experienced in dealing with BPD, and please keep sharing with us!

 
Wools

[hammeredNail]

Welcome HammeredNail!  

I'd like to join Heartandwhole in welcoming you to our family. I'm also really glad you shared about the struggle with your mom. I cannot imagine picking up the phone every morning and hearing that! That would give anyone indigestion! Have you thought about any options such as turning the ringer off and only answering every other day for starters? Do you feel that you would pay for that infraction any more than you already do when you answer each day?

Keep looking for a T to help you, one who is experienced in dealing with BPD, and please keep sharing with us!

 
Wools

Hi Wools,

           Thanks for the welcome. Even not picking up the phone with her can be tricky proposition. Ive done that before and the next thing I knew the police were knocking at my door. They said they got a call from my mother to do a welfare check as she thought I might be hurt or dead! I explained to them the situation with her and sadly it was nothing new to them. They said it happens all the time. Besides being humiliating to me, do you see the message she was sending? Im in control! I can get to you even if you dont pick up the phone! So even if I don't answer the phone I have to either text or email her that very day to say that im alive and well. Otherwise my landlord or the cops may come knocking on my door.

I finally spoke with her again this morning and she was as meek as a lamb. She asked me if I was "calm today"? Haha. She said she had a wonderful day yesterday and went to the museum and slept like a baby! She's probably lying but again, what message does that send to me? I infromed her that I cant tolerate her constant negativity. But I also used some of the tools I have learned and tried speaking to her about it in a calm detached manner, and came off as empathetic to her sadness and told her that she needs help.  I got her to admit that she has a personality disorder. Most likely BPD. Of course she immediately said "Shrinks are crap and a waste of money and im not taking any drugs." Told her I agree. Those things tend not to work with BPD. Said she might be better off with a behavioral type of approach. She reluctantly agreed. Of course I will have to do all the research and make the phone calls to set it up. Honestly I dont know if I should bother. She might go a couple of times until it gets too painful and then quit with the excuse that its too expensive or its all BS.

Here's is the narcissistic kicker. After ALL of this, she asked me if I would drive her to the new casino next week and hang out with her? Haha. I told her we will have to see. That I'm still quite upset with her and that I have been trembling the whole time I have been speaking with her. Her Answer? Okay. Well you call me when you are feeling stronger, and then she snorted. As if to suggest I was just a weak panty waste or something. I said ma, thats the wrong answer. You should be asking yourself why is it my own son is trembling on the phone while speaking with me? Her answer? Well, youve got problems. Yeah. Ive got problems alright. SMH.

[Panda39]

... .Even not picking up the phone with her can be tricky proposition. Ive done that before and the next thing I knew the police were knocking at my door. They said they got a call from my mother to do a welfare check as she thought I might be hurt or dead! I explained to them the situation with her and sadly it was nothing new to them. They said it happens all the time... .Besides being humiliating to me, do you see the message she was sending? Im in control! I can get to you even if you dont pick up the phone! So even if I don't answer the phone I have to either text or email her that very day to say that im alive and well. Otherwise my landlord or the cops may come knocking on my door.

FOG... .Fear, Obligation, Guilt or emotional blackmail that is what the above behavior is... .you don't do what I want you to do, I will do something you are afraid of... .I will embarrass you.

More on FOG:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

What would you do if you weren't afraid?  What might you be able to do to push through that fear?  Could you maybe talk with your landlord and your local police in advance of not answering the phone for example?

I'm going to be a bit blunt here, your mom does not have control over you unless you give her that power.  You control whether or not you pick up the phone.

Panda39

[hammeredNail]

FOG... .Fear, Obligation, Guilt or emotional blackmail that is what the above behavior is... .you don't do what I want you to do, I will do something you are afraid of... .I will embarrass you.

More on FOG:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

What would you do if you weren't afraid?  What might you be able to do to push through that fear?  Could you maybe talk with your landlord and your local police in advance of not answering the phone for example?

I'm going to be a bit blunt here, your mom does not have control over you unless you give her that power.  You control whether or not you pick up the phone.

Panda39

Panda39,

Thanks so much. This is exaclty the type of feedback I was looking for!

[heartandwhole]

I agree with Panda39. When I read about the police coming to check on you, I wondered how many times it would take before they started telling your mom not to call them?

I also Woolspinner2000 asks a good question. Because maybe you don’t want to cut off your mom completely, but you can say, for example, that you won’t answer the phone or call before 9am, or you’ll have a weekly phone call on Wednesday’s only to catch up?

I know it’s so much easier said than done. I really do. But if you give yourself time to think about what works for you, then you can communicate that in a way that leaves you feeling right about how you’ve taken care of yourself, while still doing your best to keep whatever level of relationship you want with your mom.

heartandwhole

[GaGrl]

I also Woolspinner2000 asks a good question. Because maybe you don’t want to cut off your mom completely, but you can say, for example, that you won’t answer the phone or call before 9am, or you’ll have a weekly phone call on Wednesday’s only to catch up?


heartandwhole

My mom isn't personality-disordered, but her stepmother was uNPD/BPD and was a jealous, cruel woman with an exterior to society and friends that masked her behavior at home.  My mom, having lost her own mother at four years old, spent her life from 6 years to her marriage picking up "fleas" from her stepmom.

All that said to explain why I have had to maintain some boundaries with my mom regarding the frequency of phone calls and how much I tell her about my inner and outer life.

We talk about three times a week, about 30 minutes each call, just to catch up.  If there is something out of the ordinary, she calls.

I never really expressed a boundary to her -- it's the way we've operated since I moved out of my parents' house.  I just make sure to proactively call about half the time, and I end the calls saying, "Well, I'll talk to you sometime this weekend," or "Call me when you have the results of that test."

She is going to be living with us when we retire next year (she is 91!), and frankly, the boundaries might need to strengthen a bit.

[Merike65]

Welcome HammeredNail.

   Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Everyone one this thread has made great suggestions.

   One thing I've done to avoid the anxiety-producing phone calls is to just use texting when possible. Not saying it'll completely solve the problem--I had really bad fight via text with my mom last weekend--but it does help prevent some of the miseries of the hostile phone calls. My mom lives alone and I'm the only surviving child so I can't go NC. However, I can get an idea of what kind of mood she's in via text. If it's a bad one, I don't call. And I know that she's alive.

Hang in there.

Merike