Did I ask for this?

[Feeling Better]

I’m struggling to work through something that happened a couple of days ago, I’m feeling really confused and shell shocked and would appreciate thoughts from others to help me try and process this, as I am just stuck, have no idea what’s going on here.

Out walking with my mother the other day and out of the blue she tells me that someone said to her “someone is talking about you, but don’t worry, we still like you”. I said that I thought that sounded a bit weird and asked her whether she’d asked what was being said, to which she replied “I’m not bothered”. Then she said that she thought whoever it was, was probably telling people that she was going out with a womaniser. (Well, she has a man friend, he is married and seeing her behind his wife’s back. I have told her in the past that I didn’t think it was good that she was seeing a married man but I accepted that it was her decision and that it had nothing to do with me. However, recently when she was talking to me about him, I asked her whether he’d been unfaithful to his wife prior to him meeting her and she said that he had, three or four times, and I said that he sounded like a womaniser.) So, once she said “womaniser”, I asked her if she thought that it was me who was talking about her “oh no” she said, but I told her that I was the only one who had said womaniser and I had definitely not spoken to anybody about her. Still wondering where her initial statement came from, it makes no sense to me, and I’m wondering whether she made it up.

Then she started talking about adultery, telling me that she’d been forwarded an email from a mutual friend (about 3 years ago) that contained evidence that I was emailing a man behind my H’s back, and basically having an adulterous relationship and that I was just as bad as her! I’ll bet we’ve all received those kind of emails that get forwarded to all and sundry with jokes, pictures etc, but because she sees that I’d had it forwarded to me by a man (who incidentally is a family friend), she assumes that I am being unfaithful to my H! And it takes her 3 years to bring it up? My mind just boggles!

I wish I could say that it ended there but she still managed to bring up something that I’d done in November which she hadn’t liked. And then she said that after she’d heard me say something on Boxing Day, she decided to tell me something about my son who is uBPD and is n/c with me that she knew would hurt me.

She finally finished by saying “I’m glad I got that off my chest”

She knows how affected I have been by my son’s behaviour towards me and that I started therapy three weeks ago, she even asked me if I’d seen my counsellor before she started on me.

[Insom]

Hi, Feeling Better!

Yes, this DOES sound like a lot to work through.  I can relate very much to how confusing it can feel to wade through a lot of emotionally charged information.  Would it be fair to say you're feeling picked on by your mom?

[LeneLu]

I am so sorry to hear about your son.  That has to be one of the hardest BPD relationships to deal with.  However, it sounds like you mom has some BPD traits as well.  I don't know why, but BPDs seem to store up information for years.  Then they bring it up in a completely twisted and negative way to use it against you.  That is what I always find disturbing.  I am so shocked in the moment, I don't know how to defend myself against something that is so misconstrued.

One of my struggles is that I care too much what other people think.  That scenario of "someone is talking about you" would have sent me over the edge.  So, what I have been trying to do is not care about what people think (I mean, do you really "know" what they are thinking anyway?) You (and more importantly, your husband) know the truth.  Try to focus on that and your values.  This has helped me with the "gaslighting".  It's like, "yeah... .I wouldn't do that. If people want to believe it, I can't control it. They don't know me, or what is on my heart." 

[hammeredNail]

Im so sorry to hear that happened to you. My BPD mom loves dropping bombshells out of the blue  as well. Then proceeds to act like its nothing. She dropped one on me a couple of months ago that left me speechless. We were driving in my car talking about the whole #metoo thing which had just started to kick off. Thats when she says quite casually, "Oh. You know I was raped." I was like, What? When? Where? Who was it?. She says, "You might remember him? He took us out to the movies once when you were around 11 years old" I didnt remember. It could have been anyone to me. She had a slew of boyfriends coming and going during those years. She said,"Yeah. When we came home after the movies it was still early and you wanted to go downstairs and play with your friend Marc. While you were downstairs. Thats when he raped me." I was just gobsmacked! They love crash landing a plane right onto your chest and just let it burn. I think they are looking for your reaction more than anything else. Its like a never ending chess game.

[RDMaggie]

My mom isn't diagnosed with BPD, she isn't even the reason I initially came to board, but when I read stories on here that I can relate to and have experienced, I can't help but share.

My mom is the same way in "dropping bombs". It's disgusting the way she will inappropriately build up her delivery for maximum shock value. She's so predictable that I can often identify things ahead of time. Here's a classic tale from the Mom Vault:

My great aunt (no relation at all to my mother) was diagnosed with liver cancer and opted for no treatment. My great aunt wanted to deliver the news to me herself, and my mother proposed they do it the night of my nursing school graduation. I actually already knew about it since my mom has told me, and I told my mom I would happily meet the day before or the day after my graduation but that I was not going to have the meeting the DAY OF.  I didn't care if my mother thought it was selfish, I busted my ass and I was going to remember that night with happiness. My aunt didn't choose the day, she had no idea, only my mom did.

Fast forward 4 months, my mom called me out of the blue and said "Hey, do remember where Aunt Helen keeps her will?" --- there is no reason at all I would know that information, which was what tipped me off. I knew what she wanted, I knew she wanted me to ask "why?". So I didn't. I just said "no, I have no idea mom". She played around a little while longer before ending the call.

I turned to my husband and told him I believed my aunt was dead. He said "No. she would have told you. She wouldn't do that." I watched the obits and sure enough 3 days later she was listed. A couple weeks later my mom told my husband "By the way, Aunt Helen has been dead for three weeks, you and tell RDMaggie whenever you want, I didn't want to ruin her "happiness".

Such a peach, my mother.

[hammeredNail]

My mom isn't diagnosed with BPD, she isn't even the reason I initially came to board, but when I read stories on here that I can relate to and have experienced, I can't help but share.

My mom is the same way in "dropping bombs". It's disgusting the way she will inappropriately build up her delivery for maximum shock value. She's so predictable that I can often identify things ahead of time. Here's a classic tale from the Mom Vault:

My great aunt (no relation at all to my mother) was diagnosed with liver cancer and opted for no treatment. My great aunt wanted to deliver the news to me herself, and my mother proposed they do it the night of my nursing school graduation. I actually already knew about it since my mom has told me, and I told my mom I would happily meet the day before or the day after my graduation but that I was not going to have the meeting the DAY OF.  I didn't care if my mother thought it was selfish, I busted my ass and I was going to remember that night with happiness. My aunt didn't choose the day, she had no idea, only my mom did.

Fast forward 4 months, my mom called me out of the blue and said "Hey, do remember where Aunt Helen keeps her will?" --- there is no reason at all I would know that information, which was what tipped me off. I knew what she wanted, I knew she wanted me to ask "why?". So I didn't. I just said "no, I have no idea mom". She played around a little while longer before ending the call.

I turned to my husband and told him I believed my aunt was dead. He said "No. she would have told you. She wouldn't do that." I watched the obits and sure enough 3 days later she was listed. A couple weeks later my mom told my husband "By the way, Aunt Helen has been dead for three weeks, you and tell RDMaggie whenever you want, I didn't want to ruin her "happiness".

Such a peach, my mother.

"Mom Vault"! Hahaha. Sorry to laugh as its not a luaghing matter. But they can be so predictable as you stated. Yet they think you dont know what they are up too! Sometimes I just sit on the other end of the phone line and roll my eyes until my head hurts because I know whats coming. That she wanted to break the news to you on your graduation is classic. Gotta take you down a peg and on what is supposed to be a joyful day. Who knows why? Let you know your place, make it about her, or just plain control issues. Who knows? Sounds like you are at least onto her behavior. And thank God youve got a supportive partner.

The biggest bombshell mom ever dropped on me was when my parents were gettting divorced. My mom already knew my father wanted a divorce. The plan was that he had wanted to sit me down that one morning in 1977 (along with my mother) and have a calm, caring, rational discussion with me to tell me that he was leaving. And what the plan would be for all of us afertwards.  After all, telling a kid his family is about to be blown apart should be done as calmly and lovingly as possible right? Full disclosure. Dad's not a peach either. He's got his own issues. Anyway, mom couldnt let that loving, rational approach go forward right? No, no, no! That would be too easy. That would actually take MY feelings into account. No siree bob. This was going to be about two things. Her feelings. And making a pre-emptive strike while dad was gone. To make him look like a monster and her as the poor victim. So early the morning the news was to be broken, my dad had popped out to the grocery store to pick up some milk and coffee. This was moms big chance. So she entered my room where I was still sleeping and started violently shaking me. I woke up out of a lovely dream only to behold my mothers face. Twisted in anger, streaming with tears and raging like a banshee. She kept screaming over and over "He's leaving us! He's leaving us!" Notice. Leaving US! Not ME. But US! Like I played a part in his leaving! Well. Bombs away! Hit was right on target. Actually, that wasn't a bombshell. It was a nuclear detination dropped on a ten year old boy. Good times. Good times.

BY the way. The way she builds up her delivery for "maximum shock value" sounds very much like someone with Histrionic tendencies. Im no shrink. But it does sound very much like that.

[RDMaggie]

BY the way. The way she builds up her delivery for "maximum shock value" sounds very much like someone with Histrionic tendencies. Im no shrink. But it does sound very much like that.

What an awful way to receive news of your parents pending divorce, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, I can imagine it was devastating. Especially with the emphasis that he was also leaving YOU. Ugh.

My mom has her own issues. I have theories and I've discussed them before here. --- She has admitted to me before that she enjoys "bringing people down a notch" The way she words it is that people think life is a big game and they just get to be happy, she enjoys when something bad happens to knock them in the mud. It also translates into her complete inability to ever celebrate, look forward to, or be happy about anything.

One year (the first year I could afford to) I surprised her with a trip to Vegas, I wrapped the plane tickets up in multiple boxes. She finally got to them and when she saw them she said "I have one question? Who is going to watch my dogs?" ----- Not "Wow!" Or "Wowosh!" Or "Thank you!" Just instant concern, worry, and suggesting what would go wrong. That was before I had learned my lesson with her completely. I would never do anything that silly now.

[hammeredNail]

What an awful way to receive news of your parents pending divorce, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, I can imagine it was devastating. Especially with the emphasis that he was also leaving YOU. Ugh.

My mom has her own issues. I have theories and I've discussed them before here. --- She has admitted to me before that she enjoys "bringing people down a notch" The way she words it is that people think life is a big game and they just get to be happy, she enjoys when something bad happens to knock them in the mud. It also translates into her complete inability to ever celebrate, look forward to, or be happy about anything.

One year (the first year I could afford to) I surprised her with a trip to Vegas, I wrapped the plane tickets up in multiple boxes. She finally got to them and when she saw them she said "I have one question? Who is going to watch my dogs?" ----- Not "Wow!" Or "Wowosh!" Or "Thank you!" Just instant concern, worry, and suggesting what would go wrong. That was before I had learned my lesson with her completely. I would never do anything that silly now.

Again. Two more classics. The Vegas trip reaction? Totally classic. Nothings ever good enough. If you had two tickets in there for the dogs being able to stay at a kennel? She would have hated that as well. She would have been like, 'Who are these people at the kennel? I dont know them!' or 'Ive heard of them. Theyre cruel to animals.' Its a no win situation.  The other thing about her joy at taking people down? Very typical as well. There is a well know word for it in German. Its called Schadenfreude. It basically translates to 'Joy at other peoples suffering'. My mom has a big case of Schadenfreude as well.

I threw a surprise party for my mothers 80th birthday. Even though I thought she would love it  as all the attention was on her, she still got pissy with me about it. She lies and exaggerates so much, that it was work for her to keep track of what she said to whom. And maybe someone would say something to someone else and shed be caught out in a lie. Because its rare for all these people to be in the same room with each other at the same time. She wasnt prepared for who would be there. It was a surprise party after all. That gave ME a little bit of Schadenfreude! haha.

[Feeling Better]

Thanks everyone for sharing, you’ve really cheered me up, reading your posts, glad I’m not the only one!

quote Insom

Yes, this DOES sound like a lot to work through.  I can relate very much to how confusing it can feel to wade through a lot of emotionally charged information.  Would it be fair to say you're feeling picked on by your mom?


Insom, thanks for your reply, I think it’s more than feeling picked on, it feels more like she was seeking revenge, she’d obviously been sitting on it a while, and then of course once she’d taken me down a peg or two she carried on talking to me as though none of that had actually happened. She’s done similar things before but this one was the most absurd.

quote leenlou
I am so sorry to hear about your son.  That has to be one of the hardest BPD relationships to deal with.  However, it sounds like you mom has some BPD traits as well.  I don't know why, but BPDs seem to store up information for years.  Then they bring it up in a completely twisted and negative way to use it against you.  That is what I always find disturbing.  I am so shocked in the moment, I don't know how to defend myself against something that is so misconstrued.

Thank you leenlou for your kind words about my son. It is very hard and I certainly don’t need to have it made worse by my mothers behaviour. I’m not convinced that it is BPD traits that she has, but there is definitely something there that is not quite right. She can be very passive aggressive and she likes to get revenge if she thinks she has been wronged. It doesn’t take much for her to feel wronged!
Yes, I get what you say about feeling shocked and not knowing how to defend yourself, they know how to catch you off guard. I started off ok but ended up JADEing, I managed to stop though once I realised what I was doing.

Quote
One of my struggles is that I care too much what other people think. 

Me too! I wish sometimes that I just didn’t give a damn and you are right, as long as we know the truth, that is all that matters, as you say, we have no control over what others think.

quote hammeredNail
Im so sorry to hear that happened to you. My BPD mom loves dropping bombshells out of the blue  as well. Then proceeds to act like its nothing. She dropped one on me a couple of months ago that left me speechless. We were driving in my car talking about the whole #metoo thing which had just started to kick off. Thats when she says quite casually, "Oh. You know I was raped." I was like, What? When? Where? Who was it?. She says, "You might remember him? He took us out to the movies once when you were around 11 years old" I didnt remember. It could have been anyone to me. She had a slew of boyfriends coming and going during those years. She said,"Yeah. When we came home after the movies it was still early and you wanted to go downstairs and play with your friend Marc. While you were downstairs. Thats when he raped me." I was just gobsmacked! They love crash landing a plane right onto your chest and just let it burn. I think they are looking for your reaction more than anything else. Its like a never ending chess game.

Wow, that certainly was a bombshell, I don’t know how I would have dealt with that had it been me. At least it was about her rather than her having a go at you. It’s just amazing how they do it when it’s least expected!

quote RDMaggie
My mom is the same way in "dropping bombs". It's disgusting the way she will inappropriately build up her delivery for maximum shock value. She's so predictable that I can often identify things ahead of time. Here's a classic tale from the Mom Vault:

My great aunt (no relation at all to my mother) was diagnosed with liver cancer and opted for no treatment. My great aunt wanted to deliver the news to me herself, and my mother proposed they do it the night of my nursing school graduation. I actually already knew about it since my mom has told me, and I told my mom I would happily meet the day before or the day after my graduation but that I was not going to have the meeting the DAY OF.  I didn't care if my mother thought it was selfish, I busted my ass and I was going to remember that night with happiness. My aunt didn't choose the day, she had no idea, only my mom did.

Fast forward 4 months, my mom called me out of the blue and said "Hey, do remember where Aunt Helen keeps her will?" --- there is no reason at all I would know that information, which was what tipped me off. I knew what she wanted, I knew she wanted me to ask "why?". So I didn't. I just said "no, I have no idea mom". She played around a little while longer before ending the call.

I turned to my husband and told him I believed my aunt was dead. He said "No. she would have told you. She wouldn't do that." I watched the obits and sure enough 3 days later she was listed. A couple weeks later my mom told my husband "By the way, Aunt Helen has been dead for three weeks, you and tell RDMaggie whenever you want, I didn't want to ruin her "happiness".

What a great story RDMaggie, it brought a smile to my face, thanks so much for sharing. This is the thing, after a while you can sometimes see the funny side but at the time it’s no laughing matter. When I told my family about my mum I was asked why I hadn’t just laughed it off. I did try to initially but she was so determined to get a result and shock at what she was saying just took over.

Thanks again to all of you, I’ll try and post again tomorrow, I am in UK and it’s way past my bedtime x

[Notwendy]

Did I read this clearly- your mother is having an affair with a married man who is a womanizer and she then brings up something about you "being unfaithful" ?

If so, this sounds like classic projection. Often, someone with BPD will accuse someone else ( us) of doing the same thing they are doing. Sometimes what they say about us actually says more about them. They have difficulties managing their own uncomfortable feelings and may project them on to someone else.

My mother is rarely transparent with people and often flat out lies. I don't lie, but I don't tell her everything for my own privacy. Yet, she constantly assumes I am lying and hiding things from her. when I am not. Yet, she is the one who does this. Since she does it, she assumes I have too.

She also mirrors my wording and also things that I do. If I say something about myself, she can say the same thing about herself using the same words. I have told her something like " I was driving the kids to their activities" and then later she may say " When you were little and I was driving you to activities" and tell the same thing only as if she did it.

I think this kind of thing also has to do with poor boundaries. Your mother is having an affair with a married man. She assumes you are having an affair too. I don't know if it is accusation, or her not being sure what is her and what is you, or projecting her own uncomfortable feelings about what she is doing on to you.

[Feeling Better]

quote hammeredNail 
That she wanted to break the news to you on your graduation is classic. Gotta take you down a peg and on what is supposed to be a joyful day. Who knows why? Let you know your place, make it about her, or just plain control issues. Who knows?

I can relate to what you wrote here hammeredNail, they just need to keep you in your place, they seem to get some sort of sick satisfaction from it.

Don’t know whether anyone has come across this one:
My mum has hearing problems and has always refused to do anything about it. A few years ago a mutual friend told me that my mum had told her that she’d recently been fitted with a hearing aid but she didn’t want me to know. I’ve since come to realise that the reason she didn’t want me to know was because she was happy leaving me to think that she was hard of hearing, whilst she, in the meantime was listening in, hoping to pick up some ammunition that she could use against me at a later date! And she has!

[Feeling Better]

quote hammeredNail
The other thing about her joy at taking people down? Very typical as well. There is a well know word for it in German. Its called Schadenfreude. It basically translates to 'Joy at other peoples suffering'. My mom has a big case of Schadenfreude as well.

Thanks hammeredNail, this made me smile. My mum is German!

[Feeling Better]

Hi Notwendy

Thank you for your input.

Whilst processing what my mum had said to me, I came to think that maybe she was feeling some guilt over her own relationship with her man friend and was unable to deal with it and decided to offload onto me, even though she likes to tell me that she feels no guilt for anything that she has ever done in her life. So, yes, I think that you are probably spot on with your observation that she is projecting. To be honest, I can’t think, other than that, why she would do such a thing that would obviously hurt me. It just made me feel that she doesn’t know who I am at all. I am currently feeling that she has overstepped the mark this time. I have put up with her previous passive aggressive behaviour but this time, for me, she has crossed a line. I am trying to detach from her at the moment to protect myself. I also don’t like the fact that she is in touch with my uBPD son who is n/c with me. Given what she said to me, I dread to think what she is saying to my son, probably agreeing with him what sort of person I am and generally reinforcing his misplaced beliefs.

[Feeling Better]

Hi again Notwendy, I’ve just realised that I didn’t respond to this part of your post:

quote Notwendy
I think this kind of thing also has to do with poor boundaries. Your mother is having an affair with a married man. She assumes you are having an affair too. I don't know if it is accusation, or her not being sure what is her and what is you, or projecting her own uncomfortable feelings about what she is doing on to you.

In what way do you think this has to do with poor boundaries?