All I ever wanted to do was protect my sister, but I secretly resent her, too

[TrolleyDollie90]

My younger sister has BPD. I’ve been pushing for my parents to have it looked into for years as I’ve watched her spiral out of control for years. Well a psychiatrist finally diagnosed it along with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Im 10 years older than she is so I’m silently embarrassed by how much I resent her: for ruining family events, for saying horrible hurtful things to my parents, for going so far off the rails I’ve had to call out of work to be available to put out her fires, for stealing credit cards or even pawning family items. I travel for work, but have been out for a month living at home because of a ligament injury, giving me a front row seat to all of her issues. And lately, it feels like someone is constantly standing on my chest blocking my windpipe. A part of me just wants to move away and not return for at least a year. The other part of me would feel incredibly guilty if she were to start self harming again or follow through on her threats of suicide while I was away. I consider myself to be calm and level headed; I couldn’t work in my industry If I wasn’t... .and I hate the person I become when I let her get under my skin even if I silently become her. There’s something wrong, and I’m tired of people telling me that she’s just an entitled teenager and to give it time. But at the same time, I hate for people to think that I don’t love her. Because I do. Everyone in my family is adopted, but that has never stopped me from loving all my siblings. She’s my baby sister, and all I ever wanted to do was protect her from the moment I met her. But she just turned 18, and I’m afraid it will only get worse now that she’s legally an adult.

[Mutt]

Hi TrolleyDollie,



I can see how stressfû it would be when a sibling is difficulty’s family gatherings and Isis also SI ( suicidal ideation ) it feels like your constantly walking on eggshells and as you know it’s not a phase that you grow out of. A personality is a part of your identity it’s complex and if you ask yourself how easy it would be to change its not.

It helps to talk to others that are in similar  situations as you that can offer you guidance and support. It’s hard for anyone that hasn’t experienced what it’s like to have a family member with BPD to get it. Most people want to try to understand and help, it’s like divorce if you haven’t gone through the experience it’s hard to empathize.

I suggest reading as much as you can about the disorder to understand the reason why she acts the way that she does - you’ll find out that it’s not personal, learn to depersonalize the behaviours and become indifferent to them you neither like it or hate it. Do you find time for self care when your job demands travelling? What are your hobbies? How many siblings do you have? It helps to talk 

[Pina colada]

I am sorry you are dealing with a BPD sister.  Many here have similar issues and it is not easy.  It helps to have a place to vent and much support for your plight.  I resent my sister whom did much of what you mention but I remind myself she is sick and unhappy.  Her behavior is so off the charts erratic that one never knows what to expect... .She cut me off a month ago for a silly reason that I will write about when I have more time.  I am much more peaceful without her!  I agree with reading as knowledge is power.  Good luck and keep posting!

[Panda39]

My younger sister has BPD. I’ve been pushing for my parents to have it looked into for years as I’ve watched her spiral out of control for years. Well a psychiatrist finally diagnosed it along with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Im 10 years older than she is so I’m silently embarrassed by how much I resent her: for ruining family events, for saying horrible hurtful things to my parents, for going so far off the rails I’ve had to call out of work to be available to put out her fires, for stealing credit cards or even pawning family items.

Hi TrolleyDollie,

Based on what you've said above I think it is completely natural to feel resentful... .her behaviors are intruding into your life.

I travel for work, but have been out for a month living at home because of a ligament injury, giving me a front row seat to all of her issues. And lately, it feels like someone is constantly standing on my chest blocking my windpipe.

Clearly this is your body telling you something.  How much longer do you need to stay there?  That level of stress can't be helpful to your recovery.  I know you are concerned about your sister, but to use the airplane analogy... .when the oxygen masks come down you put yours on first because you are unable to help anyone else if you are passed out... .you can not help anyone until you have recovered from your injury, it is reasonable and okay to focus on yourself at this time.     Take care of you. 

A part of me just wants to move away and not return for at least a year. The other part of me would feel incredibly guilty if she were to start self harming again or follow through on her threats of suicide while I was away.

I know you love and care for your baby sister, but how is the above your responsibility?  What is your sister responsible for?

It sounds like your sister has a history of suicide threats, what has been your family's reaction?

There’s something wrong, and I’m tired of people telling me that she’s just an entitled teenager and to give it time.

Above is common, most people either don't see the problems at all because they are displayed to those closest to the person with BPD or people see the dysfunction through the lens of their own experience and most people have not experienced mental illness up close in a family member.  It can be very invalidating when someone can't see your perspective.  I promise you everyone on this site has seen what you see and know it's not just a phase.

Take Care,
Panda39

[jnssbc202]

My younger sister has BPD. I’ve been pushing for my parents to have it looked into for years as I’ve watched her spiral out of control for years.

Hi! I'm new here, too. I also have a younger sister with BPD. I, too, have been pushing my parents to look into my sister's BPD. My mom is finally trying to get her to go to therapy, but she refuses. I think she needs more than therapy at this point, but I think it would be better than nothing. It's a lot of pressure to feel like you have to be the one to open your parents' eyes - to be the one who sees that this is not normal. It's no wonder that you feel like someone is standing on your windpipe. I feel that way sometimes, too. The responses to your post remind me, too, that I need to take care of myself.

The other part of me would feel incredibly guilty if she were to start self harming again or follow through on her threats of suicide while I was away. I consider myself to be calm and level headed; I couldn’t work in my industry If I wasn’t... .and I hate the person I become when I let her get under my skin even if I silently become her. There’s something wrong, and I’m tired of people telling me that she’s just an entitled teenager and to give it time. But at the same time, I hate for people to think that I don’t love her. Because I do.

When I was in college and 5-hr from my BPDsis, I thought that it was my fault that she wasn't getting better, or at least I felt guilt about it. I moved closer to home just to be close to her. I almost didn't pursue a graduate degree because I'd have to move to another state. Sometimes I think that my BPDsis "got worse" because I moved, but if I can step back I realize that that's not the case. Whether I was around or not, she was in and out of BPD/depression/anxiety/eating disorders. It was only within the last few months that I finally realized that I didn't cause this and I can't cure this. Your sister is 18. Like my BPDsis, she is responsible for her own health. I am not at all saying that you shouldn't support her. I just mean that she has to take responsibility, too.

I also empathize with you about people saying to give it time. Over the past 20+ years since my sister got diagnosed, my parents always blamed something else (it's the pressure of school, its her mediation, its her pregnancy). They're having a hard time realizing that it's something much deeper. I think it's because they don't want to admit that anything is "wrong" with their child - it would mean that they'd question themselves as parents.

I got the chills when I read "I hate the person I become when I let her get under my skin even if I silently become her." I feel the same way when that happens to me.

I hope that my response helped you feel a little less alone.