I am not sure if i want to talk to him now

[xyz-Girl]

Sorry for the length of this post guys,

My ex who is pwBPD contacted me last night  around 1 am asking me if I was ok. This was after 3 days of NC. I was actually writing him an email and then stopped because I was getting emotional and then immediately afterwards he texted me so i got suspicious about him reading my emails, maybe I had left opened my email on his computer? not sure. Regardless, I replied and said I was doing well and if he had read my emails. He denied it and said he wouldn't do that. I also asked, if he is doing ok? He said he is sad, he misses me, but he thinks breaking up is the best for us. We broke up because he wanted to go open in our relationship and i refused. I said that I was sad too, that he broke my heart and that i don't understand when he thought he could have other people and have me on the side at the same time. He said he hasn't being with anyone but part of the reason he has being so certain about breaking up with me, is because of how i think about things, and that reinforced that I wasn't rational enough for him and that I might have had other guys already and that's ok that he only wants my happiness.

So now, he confessed that the reason behind him wanting an open relationship is not because he cannot handle the long distance relationship but now he is questioning our compatibility? Which is new to me. I asked "what did that mean? all the not being rational enough for him comment" and that i haven't being with anyone and that I need him to be 100% honest about why he wanted to break up with me. He replied with a " I want to be with you but I have no idea when you will be next June. I am scarred, Sorry"

Now, I am super confused because I thought i was getting to the real reason of why he wanted to break up with me, but now he is saying that he doesn't want to but he is scared? or scarred? I said, you can call me if you want, i mean this was getting too confusing thru text, what did you mean then about me being not rational enough?. He did not call me and replied to me after 25 minutes. He replied saying "You can be really unrational" - i mean what does that mean? he is just repeating himself and not answering my question right? as of why does he think that?, I said is that all you have to say? he replied with a " well, you asked what that means?". I followed with a "I asked you what YOU mean by that" "What is not rational enough to be with YOU". He immediately replied by saying "LOL you are trying to put me down. Why do you try and drag people down?. and I went blank, because he is again going nonsense and twisting everything i said but I tried to be patient and I proceed by saying" I did not such thing, I am asking that because you were the one that said I wasnt rational enough for you and that is why you were certain you wanted to break up with me" I asked him again to be honest and clear with me. He followed with a" I am always honest and clear, I strive to be that way". I was getting so frustated about how bad this conversation was going, I was getting no answers and just shallow conversation at 1 am. I hold it in and asked again if he was going to answer my question that I just wanted to know why that's all, that he shouldn't feel bad to say what he feels.

After 15 minutes, he hasn't replied to me yet, I got frustated and texted him again saying how I think he is playing games with me, that I am sad that he does not appreciate me, that he has no respect for me or our relationship bc he left me talking by myself twice already, when he was the one that contacted me. That i hope he find what he is looking for and that he should send me the return shipping label of the valentine's present he sent me on the mail bc i didn't want it. He completely ignored everything i said about how i felt and only replied saying" the gist is yours, i hope you like it, please share your reaction, i think you will really like it". like what the ___?

I replied the next morning saying " no, i dont want it and asked him to please mail me all the stuff i have at his place and i will venmo him back for it and his time". He never replied. I went back and finished the letter i was writting him, like a good bye letter saying that he really ___ed it up with me and i don't trust him anymore and wish him the best, again i asked him to please send my stuff back to me. He replied to that by saying that he need to process my letter and read it carefully but he needs to meet his parents now and we should talk on the phone the next day. i never repied to that. I am not sure if i want to talk to him now. I don't know what he wants from me. he only contacted me last night to tell me he was sad and know if i was sad but yes we are still not together. what is going on? Wow! HE IS CALLING ME RN!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

I think it would really help to focus right now on bring the emotional level down... .slow down... .calm down. The high anxiety and immediate need to resolve or understand is working against resolving anything here.

Talk a run. Go to a zoo. Do something to unwind.

Working through your situation will happen best in small exchanges. Let him pace it. Do your best to end the conversation with something upbeat so that are positive vibes for the next meeting.

I also wouldn't worry to much about why he is backing off... .he probably doesn't know... .he just reacting to feelings.

What do you think?

[dazed_n_confused]

It's so frustrating when they can't just be honest about their feelings. If you want to get back together, Skip's advice is right on. Consider carefully if you want to put yourself through it though.

[xyz-Girl]

I think it would really help to focus right now on bring the emotional level down... .slow down... .calm down. The high anxiety and immediate need to resolve or understand is working against resolving anything here.

Talk a run. Go to a zoo. Do something to unwind.

Working through your situation will happen best in small exchanges. Let him pace it. Do your best to end the conversation with something upbeat so that are positive vibes for the next meeting.

I also wouldn't worry to much about why he is backing off... .he probably doesn't know... .he just reacting to feelings.

What do you think?

thank you,

i think that is smart but after we talked he really made me feel bad and now i am very emotional and very fearful about losing him. He decided not to have any more contact but this time hurts even more. He canceled his flight to come visit this weekend, maybe that is why it feels like that. I am just trying to be strong but i feel worse.

[xyz-Girl]

Hello,

So i had the most exhausting conversation with my ex who is a pwBPD. long story short, he was saying that I have issues that I need to fix, that he loves me but pretty much it is all my fault bc I react a lot to his comments and ways. That i have some mental issues that I need to figure out because i am in denial and make excuses. That he has been on treatment for years and he is awesome  and he is emotionally stable. He often says i put him down but that is not true, i don't do that or at least I don't try to. I am very susceptible of what he says because he is a very smart person that has being on treatment for a long time now, and when he says this stuff really makes me question my sanity. Is this normal for pwBPD to do? or should I really try to seek therapy and a diagnosis. I am currently with a therapist just to talk about my personal stuff and have a different insight but she has never mention anything to me about having mental issues.

[Skip]

So i had the most exhausting conversation with my ex... .

Hey xyz-Girl,

The number one mistake people make when trying to recover a relationship is to over-peruse. This is what you are doing now and it is making matters worse. Clearly it is not working for you. Many don't get this until it is too late.

Why not try something different.

He's talking to you. The important thing is to not chase and listen when he talks with out JADE.

Have you read about JADE here? Id not, let me know and I get you a link.

Be strong. That's what this needs. We'll walk with you!

[xyz-Girl]

Hey xyz-Girl,

The number one mistake people make when trying to recover a relationship is to over-peruse. This is what you are doing now and it is making matters worse. Clearly it is not working for you. Many don't get this until it is too late.

Why not try something different.

He's talking to you. The important thing is to not chase and listen when he talks with out JADE.

Have you read about JADE here? Id not, let me know and I get you a link.

Be strong. That's what this needs. We'll walk with you!

No, I haven't! please send me the link, I would really appreciate it

Thank you

[Skip]

Check this out:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Let me know what you think.

[xyz-Girl]

Check this out:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Let me know what you think.

Thank you so much for the link! It was very helpful and an eye opener. That is exactly what is happening to me and my exBPDbf. I guess, i read this too late. In my situation, I have to pretend that i am irrational? that I have mental health issues, "let it go", just so i stop the endless confrontation that him and I can have? They would never admit they are not seeing it right right? Him would often say everyone is wrong, and everyone has issues but him, just cause he is being on therapy for years but i don't know 100% about it. Would this ever get better? It is very exhausting for people to deal with this type of conflict, even if it is once in awhile. I feel i can let go of things more often than not, but there are some topics that I can't, like it are ridiculous to just let go of my principles and rational situations. How sad is to love someone that will never cooperate with the relationship?

[Skip]

He tells you that stuff because it sets you off, or he is set off, not because he truly believes it. This is a game people play.

If I said you were a pink dinosaur and you said "no" and I insisted, what would that mean? I'm messing with you, I'm intoxicated, I'm diverting you, or I actually think you are a pink dinosaur?